So stressed about Everything...

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ConfusedGal
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 11/14/2006 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi all
 
To top off limbo land and the "probable" MS and random torn ligaments in my hand and massive work stress, hubby came home yesterday in this totally bummed out mood. You know men... They say nothing is wrong and you just KNOW. He wouldnt tell me what was wrong saying he will be fine...Naturally I started worrying... Especially at this stage where I am a bit emotional after finding all that stuff out about the possible MS last week, this really bugged me. He is my support system right now since no one else knows, and I hate feeling distance between us right now... So I kept asking and he kept getting annoyed and saying it was nothing.

Finally we went to bed, and I asked him one last time and he still wouldnt say. I just burst into tears. It was stupid but I did. I have felt so darn fragile recently. And of course hubby got more annoyed as to why I was crying for no reason.  tried to explain I am so emotional right now and I hate feeling that gap with him and if there is something wrong, he needs to tell me...He still didnt and just went to sleep annoyed...

Woke up this morning and I said "I am sorry I overeacted and started crying. I have been messed up and that just stressed me out more after work yesterday. But I need to know cause it stresses me out more not knowing if there is something wrong." So finally he tells me he is just worried about me, and thinking about the future etc and is all messed up. Says its unfair we have been dealing with so much crap for so long. (Most of it was cause of my momster and her insane drama. A few months ago she took herself to the ER and started screaming "I WANTTT MYY DAUUGHTTERRRRR BACKKKKK!" for 15 minutes straight at the ER. The nurses all knew it was pure drama...That is only one incident.) I was hospitalized a few years ago just from a depressive breakdown cause of momster...Actually, it was 6 months after I got married.... So hubby and I have been through too much the last few years...So he was like "Why us? Why does all this bull happen to us?" Then he said he really missed his family in times like these and feels alone. (His folks live in INdia and he sees them maybe every 1-2 years.) Then he complained about life some and said "I never get to do what I want to do etc etc." Said he feels so unhealthy in our environment. I agree. I feel the same... Thats why a few months ago, we got a shot at moving to another state and didnt take it cause I didnt get a job right away...Was a dumb decision..I got a call from so many firms from that state after hubby turned down the job there...Also, please note no contact is not an option. I come from an INdian family where it is just unheard of...

What frightens me is this... i know hubby loves me, but the only time he is really into me is when we visit his family in India. He is truly HAPPY there and honestly, we havent had sex in over 4 months. We just dont!!! We are 27 and 33 and we dont have sex! But when we were in India, we had sex EVERY day we were there!!! He was SOOO into me! I dont know what it is... But I feel so undesired...And not to brag but I am an attractive woman. I have other guys check me out all the time... But my own husband has zero interest...

I am just so stressed over everything... I dont know if we will do Europe in Dec either as I was hoping. Its something I have ALWAYS wanted to do with hubby and this whole MS issue made me want to just do it NOW.  Hubby is ALSO WAYYYYY too stressed at work and doesnt know if he can take tthat much time off right now...Is life really supposed to be like this?? One thing that really bothered me when hubby was bummed was me thinking "Is he scared of spending the future with me if I have MS?" That wasnt it, but you start thinking this way a bit...So hubby is bummed with life. Actually I think he has been for a long time as have I... Its not even that we dont love each other...Its like, our environment just eats us up...

Also, he said "Well, what if you really have this thing?? What if you need help? You dont have the best relationship with your folks... Also, how will we tell everyone about this?" I was like RELAX... One thing I know for sure. My mom might drive me crazy and say things that hurt but in that situation, my folks would do ANYTHING to help me... And as for telling everyone, well, we will deal with it later. And I dont know 100% if I have it or if I will and we can be in limboland for a long time...

Sorry again...Just wanted to vent about all this.. I want to remain low stress right now, and I just cant seem to... And hubby is bugging me big time right now... SOmetimes I feel even though we love each other, maybe we just cant be happy together...I dont know...Its all scary. Do all marriages go through this?? We have been married 4 years...Too much stress....Thanks for reading such a long post...and hubby gets aggravated cause I seem to go thourgh so many "down phases" where I just get bummed...How will he handle it going forward if i really do have MS and go through these downs?? Its a big part of the disease for a lot of people right??
 
Sory again for loading all this on your guys....Thanks..
CG 


rhondab
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2146
   Posted 11/14/2006 11:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey ConfusedGal

Yes, i do think all (at least 99%) marriages go thru tough times like this. Maybe the circumstances differ, but still tough times. My husband is the only one in our family who works. He worries, like u'r husband, about the consequences of me being sick and it being something that could involve long term care for me. He worries that he's the only one carrying us all and what if he can't do it all? Well, u take things as they come. We have to. Right now neither of us has ms..u or me...and that limbo by itself is stressful. That stress impacts every part of u'r life together...EVERY PART. It's not a matter of his love for u or his attraction to u..but of his ability to set things aside for even a minute. I"m trying to say that if he feels unhappy for whatever reason it'll affect all aspects of u'r life together. It won't matter how much u love or are attracted to each other...it'll interfere. The first place to start is to sit down and openly discuss with u'r husband all that u've said here. U may have already, but if it's still bothering u both, then it's not resolved and u need to work together to do that. If i could give my opinion here, take the trip in Dec, but consider making it a trip home for him. If that's not an option, this decide between the two of u to just leave everything at home. U'r sickness, everything, and make this a new start. Focus on each other only. When u get down to it, the probs exist because u love each other and are worried. They exist because he misses his family and u'r worried about that for him. It all comes back to u two...and the very reason u'r together...u love each other.

On the mom thing....don't let that be a prob for u. I too have family probs and my mother is central to them. Unfortunately i don't spend much/any time with her. I realized early in my marriage that she was going to make probs if i let her. I CHOSE my husband and while i love my mother dearly, i can't ignore what she does or would do if i let her. That said, i purposely do not spend much time with her. I don't talk much on the phone with her. Not because my husband has a prob with her, but because of her own personality and willingness to do things against my marriage. Sometimes u just have to take a stand and sometimes those stands hurt a lot. In the end tho, the stand u take for u'r marriage and husband will be the tie that binds the two of u together. I truely hope things begin to get better for u. This time is so stressful and hard to get thru, but u'll make it and we'll help u all we can.

rhonda

uppitycats
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 2135
   Posted 11/14/2006 11:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, most marriages go through periods where both partners are way stressed, sometimes over the same issues, sometimes over separate issues.

Parental influence is always a challenge, and it sounds like there are cultural pressures there, too. I ended up breaking most ties with my mother, as her influence was like acid in me and my relationship. As Rhonda said, you and your husband are the main unit now...not family, no matter how supportive they might or might not be. You're an adult; you have to make decisions that well benefit your family unit (you, spouse), and indeed they may not include the family right now.

Men are indeed like that. Now you know. Sometimes it's better to just let it go, and eventually they'll get around to tell you what's bugging them. Nagging only leads to confrontations that aren't pleasant for anyone.

My husband and I committed to the institution of marriage, when we said "I do", 38 years ago. That is to say, we sometimes don't like each other, we sometimes yell at each other, or stop talking altogether. And there are times when we've privately wished the other person would "just go away!!" But we've always LOVED each other, and each have made the commitment to weather these small storms -- that seemed enormous when they were happening, but over 38 years, have been small indeed.

Hang in there. Keep the parents out of it. Love your husband, and be there for him, even while you need him there for you. It is stressful to be sure, but if you're committed to the relationship, it will stand the strain.

(And I know it's hard to believe, but people can go for months, even years, without sex...and still love each other, still be committed to each other, still stay in a relationship.... Sex is nice, but commitment and acceptance and tolerance are even better.)
...I am not a doctor, nor health professional, and don't pretend to be one, here.....


ConfusedGal
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 11/14/2006 11:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Rhondab
 
Thanks so much... about him taking the trip home... We did that last christmas also. Every one of our bigger vacations has been to India to visit his family. I understand this and that he misses his family. But on the other hand, sorry to sound selfish here, but what about the fact that I would like to take a vacation with me and him alone in a new environment to reconnect?? I have wanted to do that since the day we got married, and every trip is just india. And all our vacation time is gone every year. And honestly, I want my husband to be able to connect with me somewhere other than India... I dont want to feel like that is the only place he is attracted to me or connects with me and want to know it can be elsewhere too. If it cant be, there is a big problem because we are not moving there at any point soon... Sux for me to think my husband is only attracted to me in a different country for some reason. I realize he gets homesick. I do...But how is this my fault?? Should our marriage suffer because he gets homesick? Every good memory he has is from his trips to India with me. He has NEVER mentioned any other good memory with me elsewhere. What does that say??
 
I am so bummed about this... At this point, everything just feels too stressful...

rhondab
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2146
   Posted 11/14/2006 12:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey ConfusedGal

I totally understand what u'r saying. Where did u two meet? Maybe that'd be the place to return to? There had to be someplace other than India that was a good place for u? My husband is a 'mama's boy', tho he'd never admit it. We've always lived near his mother and i suppose we always will. Yes, that's been very challenging, but do-able. He's happiest when we're near his family. His whole family lives near us...literally our neighbors...except for his sister. The thing is he feels comfortable and secure there. We have moved away before for my job and he did all he could while there to find a way home. It's his comfort zone. He loves me and i know it. Did i sacrifice for him in living here all my life? Yes. I've gained a lot from it, but yes, i've sacrificed as well. There are things i'd rather do differently just for myself and in time i know i will get to do them, but the bigger pic is how the major decisions ...like where we live (or vacation)...affect our lives together. Maybe it's not that he's only happy with u when he's home in India, but rather he's happy period there and is more comfortable and expresses that to u then. If going home every year is causing a prob then consider splitting u'r vac time in two. Take half there and half in Europe. Make some accomodations for each other and work on it. Yes, a new environment is prob a good idea, but only if u both have a way of feeling good about the whole affair. If he feels he's doing this trip to Europe and begrudges it, then it'll be the same as if u never went, maybe worse. U won't connect like u'r looking for. In the end, the reconnect u'r looking for starts someplace other than a trip. It's in how u work together on this and offer sacrifice to each other. No, i'm not saying u should give in and go to India, but u should both discuss the options and ways of working out what u both want. Being open and honest about it all to each other...not hiding how u truely feel to save his feelings or u'rs. That only makes things worse. Consider what u said "Every good memory he has is from his trips to India with me." Focus on this..."from his trips to India WITH ME." That's a full volume!! There's is a lot to work with there...but the work isn't about the trip, it's about u and him. When u get down to it...all u will ever have...all u will ever experience...all u will ever enjoy...all that is because someone u love is/was with u in it. Attaining wealth or properties or any other thing is of no value if u don't have the one u love with u...and u'd give it all up for that one. So get back to that level and put the other stuff aside for now. I bet it won't be hard to reconnect.

rhonda

ConfusedGal
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 11/14/2006 2:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi,
 
Thanks again...I guess I am just in a rut right now with EVERYTHING. I also found out we cant even go anywhere except the UK cause hubby is not a US citizen so he needs the visa and the visa requires a letter from insurance saying he is covered abroad and they will take 15 business days to even send it, which means we cant get the visa OR book the package. So wont work out... :(  Unless we just do london. Which I love too. I am just such a mess...Between doc appts... (one this thursday and one next tuesday) work stress, marital stress etc, it all just stinks. :(

rhondab
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 2146
   Posted 11/14/2006 2:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey ConfusedGal

Well there u go!! Off to London!! :)) Prob solved and u get u'r vac too! Accept the parts u can do and enjoy them. There's no way anyone's feelings should be hurt over that vac and u'll still have time alone and away.

I know u'r stressed and rightly so. This is all so overwhelming...one thing at a time is enuf, but with all this thrown at u at once it can seem too much. Don't get discouraged. In time u'll be able to see the forest...instead of the trees and it'll be ok then. For now take it one thing, one day at a time. If u ever want to talk privately, email me. I'd be glad to help where i can.

rhonda
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