If your wife had the surgery due to Ulcerative Colitis then I can tell you quite honestly that "inside" she feels a lot better. Frequency is an issue but other than possible skin irritation, and a few months of recovery, there should be no pain involved. Emptying the pouch is as quick and easy as urinating.
Speaking from my own opinion, I think you are trying to hard to figure out how she feels and I don't think any of us can speak for her. Recovery is different for everyone. I think others have given you great advice, help out more with the kids, make sure she has the freedom to get plenty of rest (I napped every day for one full year after surgery), and either get hired help to do housework or pitch in and do it yourself.
Like others, I didn't want to talk about my surgery either. I had been sick for 2 years and all I wanted was to feel well again and focus on recovery. Recovery and adaptation will take about a year so be patient.
dx proctitis in 1987
dx UC in 1991, was stable until 1998
1998 started prednisone, asacol, pentasa, nortriptylene, ativan, 6MP, rowasa enemas and suppositories, hydrocortisone enemas, tried the SCD diet, being a vegetarian, omega 3s, flax, pranic healing, yoga, acupuncture, probiotics
2000 lost all my B-12 stores and became anemic
2001 opted for j-pouch surgery- now living life med-free