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Absbabs
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 9/11/2008 6:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Disclaimer:
mad   The following is a vent...
 
Every day, I don't know which is worse... the physical discomfort or the emotional pain. I feel like every day I'm handed a box full of every negative emotion and feeling of self-loathing/pity wrapped in a pretty bow with a card saying Merry Christmas... And the worst part is, every day is Christmas!
 
By the day my emotional state is becoming more and more deteriorated and erratic. The constant fatigue makes irritable and tired, the uncomfortable bloatedness makes me want to isolate myself and never be in human contact, the self-consciousness from the weight gain makes me depressed and paranoid. And three years ago, I don't even think I could have explained what any of these feelings felt like.
 
It's so frustrating that nobody I've met in the last three years has been able to meet the real me, and some of the people that were around before all my CI started don't really hang around me as much because my negativity has gotten to be too much and I always physically feel bad, and no matter how much I try I can't fake the smiles and good moodiness anymore. 
When I do genuinely smile, laugh, or have a good time.. I get the comments like, "Oh wow, she can smile." or "Oh look who decided to have fun for a change."
But what people don't understand is that the real me, the me I used to be, ALWAYS smiled, always laughed, and always had a good time. And up until three years ago, I was never depressed and was laid back about everything. The exact opposite of how I feel every day now.
 
I just wanna be the real me again and be able to show others the true me. That would be a true Christmas to me, the chance to get my life back, the chance to get me back. I just pray that I'm able to have my surgery in December like planned because I think it will be the greatest gift I could EVER get...

2much2bear
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 624
   Posted 9/11/2008 6:43 AM (GMT -6)   

yeah  Those are the exact same feelings i am also living with too - the complete awfulness of the situation and dispondency and that no one really understands.. shakehead it must be hard for you as if i remember, you are around 23???

i am so sorry your friends said those comments - that is not nice is it - young people just dont seem to understand illness unless they have been affected by it - ask them to remember a time when they had tummy ache and times it by 100% ongoing for three years plus not pooping....

you will get back to being you again - hang on in there....dont worry too much about people not knowing the real you - all that matters is that you will get better.....you will get back to being you again yeah xxkaren


1997: Diagnosed IBS
2003: Pelvic floor repair surgery
2006: STARR surgery for mucosal prolapse/Obstructive Defaecation Syndrome.  Also diagnosed with slow transit
2007: No difference. Had MRI scan showing a partial volvulus 
2007: Therefore surgeon recommended a sigmoid resection which resulted in immediate colonic inertia
2008: Now contemplating colectomy as I need to take up to 30 senna tablets daily for some kind of bowel movement (albeit not 'normal' or all at once).  In discomfort/pain most days.
 
Scared to have TC as told I could become incontinent - but looking to have surgery before end of year hopefully


Absbabs
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 9/11/2008 7:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I am 23.
 
And I shouldn't say all my friends.. On a positive note, it is helped me understand who my true friends are, because I do have the friends that have been an AMAZING support system and put up with all my rollercoastering, even if they end up on the receiving end of my unstability sometimes.. tongue
 
It's really new people that frustrates me. And I have met a slew of in the past couple of years. I graduated college last July and started my first full-time job after I graduated. So everybody I've met since I've started my professional career has never gotten to be around the real me.. I feel like I've gotten the persona of an ice-queen or atleast, just not the most personable person. Everyone I work with likes me and I like them, but they know when I act or look a certain way just to stand clear... And I HATE that any person feels like they have to be on pins and needles around me for anything.. And I'm scared it's going to end up damaging my professional career if I can't get this emotional rollercoaster in check... the irritibility this physical feeling makes me experience is just so intense and I can't seem to get around it..

2much2bear
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 624
   Posted 9/11/2008 7:51 AM (GMT -6)   
well done for graduating - what do you do?  it is amazing that you have come so far bearing in mind what you have to put up with....

1997: Diagnosed IBS
2003: Pelvic floor repair surgery
2006: STARR surgery for mucosal prolapse/Obstructive Defaecation Syndrome.  Also diagnosed with slow transit
2007: No difference. Had MRI scan showing a partial volvulus 
2007: Therefore surgeon recommended a sigmoid resection which resulted in immediate colonic inertia
2008: Now contemplating colectomy as I need to take up to 30 senna tablets daily for some kind of bowel movement (albeit not 'normal' or all at once).  In discomfort/pain most days.
 
Scared to have TC as told I could become incontinent - but looking to have surgery before end of year hopefully


Absbabs
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 9/11/2008 11:39 AM (GMT -6)   

Thank you. :-)

I do human resources for a manufacturing company... which makes my job 100% about people. Amazingly, I do well maintaining all my personal frustrations and outward persona on days when I feel especially bad when I'm working with operation personnel who I hire/train/look to me with questions.. But with my co-workers who don't report to me with anything, I have my moments where I slip and let my irritibility and physical frustrations show in my emotional state.

Thank you for responding to my vent, by the way. It is such a relief to talk to people who can relate to this madness, which is exactly how I see it..


Equestrian Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3115
   Posted 9/11/2008 12:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Absbabs--I can relate, I know when I was at my sickest, I had very little "patience" for people I worked with...I had to figure out how to stay positive with people during my hours at work...no matter who they were...and let my frustrations for the disease come out after I left. I trained new/existing employees for a major retail company and my actions could cause alot of problems, if I didn't keep them in check.

Have you talked to your doctor about your negative state of mind? If you don't mind me asking, why do you have to wait until December for surgery?

Just starting out after college is stressful enough not to mention doing it with a difficult disease...keep your chin up, stay possitive with everyone and let your guard down the second you walk out that door. Life post-surgery will be a new beginning:)

Absbabs
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 9/11/2008 1:52 PM (GMT -6)   
The December thing was a lot of different reasons...
 
Not only do I work, but I'm enrolled in graduate school right now, which I've already paid for.. So I'd hate to have all that money go down the drain and have to re-take courses I've already started. My classes end Dec. 10 for this semester, and that gives me about a month of no classes before the next semester starts, when I would like to continue taking classes.
 
Also, I live far away from any family and I don't get to see any of my family very often. Even over the holidays it's a very short visit. So, after my surgery I plan on going and staying at my moms during my recovery so she can help me with anything. Which would also put me around all my family for an extended visit over the Christmas holidays tongue .. which may be cheating the system a bit but I think it's a good plan. Plus, being the holidays it gives my mother, who also works, flexibility to be there for me.
 
But I meet with my surgeon next Friday to discuss specific dates, so hopefully it will work out.. I wish I could do the surgery sooner because I am absolutely miserable, but it just isn't practical... And I've gone three years, what's another three months?
 
But no, I haven't really discussed much about emotional stability with my surgeon. Besides my surgery, I don't figure there is much he can do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy blush   ... I just have a low tolerance for people here lately and I am more down than I've ever been before, but that's because I feel like dodo 24/7. But I know you all understand that.

2 RIS K
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 367
   Posted 9/12/2008 9:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Absbabs, that is exactly how I feel! I can relate 100% I almost cried when I read this because I could've written it! When I'm at work I have to "fake" it for my clients but when I'm not with my clients I do what I can to lay low and sit at my desk and not really talk to anyone. Sometimes my whole goal is to get through the day without talking to my coworkers. I am NOT in the mood to laugh and joke and be happy! I am miserable, my stomach hurts, nothing fits, and I feel like a big balloon is inside my stomach and it's going to pop any minute. Not only that but if one more person says I look tired I'm going to scream! That's why I can relate when you say you want to isolate yourself and not have human contact. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier.

I'm so tired of being the "sick one." I've had a lot of health problems in the last five years and I feel like everyone knows me as the sickie. My family moved here three years ago from another state so everyone we know has known me as having these problems. I've had surgery twice since we've been here. I am tired of having to tell my kids or my husband that I can't do anything with them because I need to lay down. I'm tired of spending my weekends on the couch or in the bathroom trying to go.

The worst part is that everyone asks, "How are you feeling?" What am I supposed to say? You know they are hoping you'll say you feel good or are feeling better, but what if you're not? Then you say the truth and they say "Oh, I'm so sorry" and they go on and on and then I feel guilty for not feeling better. Then I feel bad that I made them feel bad! How sick is that??
Amanda
35 years old
Chronic Lifetime Constipation
Diagnosed IBS - 1995
Rectal Prolapse - February 2007
Rectosigmoid Colectomy w/low anterior Anastomosis - 3/13/07
Diagnosed with Colonic Inertia - June 08
Scheduled for Total Colectomy - September 22, 2008
 
The whole world is at your feet; so paint your toenails Red!
 


Absbabs
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 9/12/2008 11:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Amanda-
Thank you so much for your post!!!
It makes me want to cry that people can truly relate to what it feels like to go through this physical and emotional trauma.
I am so sorry that you and most everyone else here has to experience this kind of misery. But atleast we know we aren't alone! :-)
 
The work thing has gotten to be such a complication, that I'm scared one day I'm gonna crack. I work in an open environment with 5 other people. They are always joking around and constantly happily talking about this and that, and that is just NOT what I want to be around when I'm having my bad days (which is most). I know they say to surround yourself with positivity when you're feeling low, but to be truthful.. I just want to wallow in my bed. These symptoms just make you so self-conscious and aggravated to be around groups of people. sad
 
And I totally relate to the "How are you feeling?" questions ... My 5 close co-workers (we have all gotten to be good friends) know I have these problems, and EVERY day I get the same "How're you feeling?" "You don't look like you feel well today." And half the time I just wanna say "Well no crap sherlock!" (But of course I never do). So them knowing is a blessing for the support but something that makes it worse at the same time because, like you said, I'm the sick on that gets pitied on all the time. Ugh.. And even though they support me, nobody REALLY understands unless they've been through it.

2 RIS K
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 367
   Posted 9/12/2008 1:16 PM (GMT -6)   
EXACTLY!! I work in an open area too, with 7 people and it's the same way. I missed work yesterday and today they all looked at me when I came in and asked "are you feeling better" Well, no I'm not but I didn't really think I had a choice today...could I really say that? I wanted to - SO BAD!

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that. I'm off to my pre-op appt. Wish me luck!

Oh by the way, I watched the surgery online. It is FREAKY!
Amanda
35 years old
Chronic Lifetime Constipation
Diagnosed IBS - 1995
Rectal Prolapse - February 2007
Rectosigmoid Colectomy w/low anterior Anastomosis - 3/13/07
Diagnosed with Colonic Inertia - June 08
Scheduled for Total Colectomy - September 22, 2008
 
The whole world is at your feet; so paint your toenails Red!
 


Absbabs
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 9/12/2008 1:29 PM (GMT -6)   

Hopefully we can stay tough and not give in to those temptations! smilewinkgrin

I wish you the BEST of luck!! You'll probably get a lot more questions/worries answered through the pre-op. Please share once you get back!!!

I wish I had known such a thing was on TV, I would have loved to have seen it.. Though, it probably would have freaked me out a tad!

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