MY BOYFRIEND HAS A COLOSTOMY BAG....

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Perseverance6666
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/2/2008 8:29 AM (GMT -6)   
I"ve known my boyfriend my entire life... We've dated two other times prior to this, but this time we've decided to go all the way....  I've always heard rumors that he had a colostomy, but I ignored them because I didn't think it was true!!!!  So lately we've been really, really spending alot of time together and getting to know one another..  One night while we were sleeping I realized that he still had the colostomy bag which didn't bother me I still felt the same way about him....  So during one of our sexual experiences there was blood at first I thought it was me, but after careful examination I knew that it wasn't me.  I didn't say anything to him, but it kept happening.....  So last night I asked him about it and his answer was "Maybe it came from my stomach" what the hell does that mean???  I didn't have the nerve to ask, but has anyone had blood during intercourse?????  Or know what could be causing it???

justjenjen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2003
Total Posts : 518
   Posted 10/2/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Does he remove the bag?? Stomas bleed fairly easily, it's not a lot of blood but it does happen just from changing or what not. If he removes the bag I'm sure it's just the stoma getting bumped during the activities.

Perseverance6666
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/2/2008 11:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the reply, but like I said we don't really talk about the bag, but I'm not sure if he takes it off during sex....  I mean I know he does alot of "stuff" he always go the bathroom before sex.... And I'm not sure what happens during that time...  Anyway one time we were having sex like (on the spot) there was alot of tissue & blood....  I was wondering where it came from then I was wondering if he was bleeding from his penis or if the blood as actually coming from the stuma.  I really love him, but I don't want to get some type of infection from mysterious blood.   We are trying to have a baby so should I tell my OBGYN about the bleeding or what????? I'm really confused about this whole situation.....

spongebabe2pants
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 10/2/2008 12:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Maybe you should sit down with him and have a conversation about it. I think it's great that you're interested in all of it and he should appreciate your concern and curiosity. If you're trying to start a family with this guy I think it's important to really understand each other, and knowing about his condition is part of it. I guess colostomies are different from ileostomies (which is what I have), so I'm a little confused as to how you could not see where the blood is coming from. Does he have an actual bag and he just takes it off during sex?
Ulcerative Colitis since December 2001 (age 15)
in remission for 6 months in 2002 followed by severely active disease
1st j-pouch surgery done on July 30, 2008


Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 10/2/2008 12:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm confused as well. Especially about the blood. Perhaps he irrigates (a daily enema of sorts) the colostomy everyday? If so this might be why he wasn't wearing an ostomy bag. But even if he took off the bag, there shouldn't have been blood, should there have been? I only had my ostomy for 2 months but I never saw blood. Occasionally I had output during the changing stage (before getting into the shower) but it was always just stool. Never blood.

I would gently suggest a quiet, heart to heart talk. Find a quiet moment when you won't be distracted and ask him to explain how he takes care of his colostomy.

Mary/Marsky

vette guy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 650
   Posted 10/2/2008 3:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm still trying to figure out why she's trying to start a family with her boyfriend after 2 dates!

Charlotte Gilman
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 10/2/2008 3:48 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't think she means they've been on two dates--I think she means they have dated during two other intervals of time.

I second the advice to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about it. If you're going to have a baby together, you're going to have to talk about things that are far touchier (and invariably the kid will supply you with bodily function experiences the likes of which you can only imagine!). You need the straight story.

praying4healing
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 739
   Posted 10/2/2008 5:31 PM (GMT -6)   
lol@ vette guy, theyv known eachother all their lives and are dating again seriously for the third time. i'd totally be with u if it were only two dates

but i do think that something to consider is the idea that u want to start a family with someone who's health ur unsure of. if ur trying to start a family i'd assume that u want to be together for a very long time. and if this is the case, this is a conversation that you should have anyway.

do u have a colostomy? do u wear a bag? what is the blood and tissue coming from? would u feel more comfortable wearing a bag or a cap while we're intimate? i dont mind.

so when u guys are intimate u dont look? not that thats unimaginable, im one that never liked to be looked at, especially now, and im not "doing the do" with n e one lol
25 y/o female- crohns disease since 14
Ileostomy pending-very worried
Tried asacol,pentasa,prednisone,remicade,6mp,azasan, no avail
Seatons placed
Worst year ever!

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear....."
Where does mine come from?!
 Temp Ileostomy performed 1/29/08
Still Adusting
 Healingwell.com has been my Godsend...Thank you


Allin
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 10/2/2008 9:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I used to have a colostomy bag, so I know about them from experience. I am very confused as to how you could possibly not know for sure if he had one, especially if you sleep in the same bed. When it farts it makes noises like actual farting. So that is one thing... unless you just thought he was really comfortable with you and just was farting. It also has a really really strong odor when releasing the contents so I am amazed you couldnever smell it when he emptied it before sex.

Basically I think that your best bet is to sit him down and have a conversation about it. I must be honest and say that it frightens me a little bit that you and he are considering having a baby together without having spoken of such things. These are very important things in life, and if you are as close as you must be after knowing eachother forever and being together for a long time off and on I surely hope that you can both have a mture conversation and that he can fill you in on every detail without feeling embarrassed. If not, then (and I hope you dont feel I am being mean) I would reconsider the taking things to the next level. You seem to love him very much and dont seem to mind about the colostomy so just tell him that and encourage him to not only be open with you but allow you to help him with the care of it. That is one of the best ways to learn. First hand. My suggestion, before jumping in to help out with a cleaning invest in a good pair of nose plugs and get some good medical strenght spray. Its no joke that it has a foul odor, but it is also not the end of the world.

sfgiantsjo
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 420
   Posted 10/2/2008 9:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you REALLY need to talk to him. I personally can't imagine being able to have sex with someone who has an ostomy of any kind and not know that they have one. But if you are sexually active with this guy, you should be absolutely POSITIVE of what is bleeding on or near you. Is he not using condoms so you get pregnant? If you having a child with him, you NEED to know what the deal is. Not trying to be harsh, but just giving my two cents.
If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
 
Jo - UC, total colectomy and ileostomy on August 24, 2007. Step 2 & ileosotmy switched to left side - May 27, 2008, and take down August 8, 2008. LIFE IS GOOD.


Shaz032
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1246
   Posted 10/3/2008 5:11 AM (GMT -6)   
There really should be no reason for blood and tissue from his colostomy regardless of whether he's wearing a bag or a stoma cap (if it's a stoma plug nothing can get through anyway)- anything from his colostomy will go into the bag (there should be no blood at all unless he's managed to knock it suddenly and then the bleeding stops pretty quickly anyway - the colostomy is made out of the same tissue as the inside of your mouth and you know how easily that bleeds... and stops bleeding). If he still has his rectum and anus, there might be mucous from that area (there shouldn't be blood unless he has active disease in his rectum), but usually it takes the person to really push it out to expel it (like a bowel movement type push) so I wouldn't have thought it would be from there.

I agree with the others. You need to talk to him esp if you're considering having a baby together. I would hope there will be no children until both of you can talk honestly and openly to each other about anything and everything (and that includes his colostomy and the reasons for it) otherwise you will be off to a bad start to what could otherwise, be a wonderful relationship.

Good luck.


I have had an ileostomy for 32 years now due to UC.
 
Moderator of the Ostomy Forum
_______________________________________________
 
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts of me are missing!

Post Edited (Shaz032) : 10/3/2008 5:16:15 AM (GMT-6)


Perseverance6666
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/3/2008 9:08 AM (GMT -6)   
First let me say Thank you to everyone for all your advice!!!!  Vette Guy-  I've known him entire life and we're dating for the third time and we already have one child together..... So I know you didn't read the entire post!!!!   Prayingforhealing-  I don't really look while we're having sex, but he wears a shirt while we're having sex and always has.   It doesn't really bother me, because he's always done it.   Allin- I mean he does make farting noises, but that doesn't bother me either....   sfgaintsjo- we're not using condoms because we're trying to have a baby.  
You're right and I should just talk to him about the situation, but I'm not sure how to approach the situation I mean having a colostomy bag is not the sexiest thing and I think he's'  been rejected alot because of it.....  But, it doesn't bother me.  I watched a utube presentation about cleaning, maintaing  and emptying a colostomy bag and I wasn't as freaked out as I thought I was going to be...... 
I love him with every fiber of my body & he's the man I decided to spend the rest of my life with so I do have to be able to discuss this thing that I'm uncomfortable with.... So we're going out to town this weekend and I'm going to take out just a little time to ask him about it....   THANKS BUNCHES EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! turn

Charlotte Gilman
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 100
   Posted 10/3/2008 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
In your shoes, I would approach it by saying: "Hey, I watched this YouTube video about stoma care and it was really interesting; can I ask you some questions about yours?"

Slice
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2004
Total Posts : 277
   Posted 10/3/2008 2:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Or maybe something like..." Hey, we're dating, already have a child. Maybe we should get to know each other"
Bagged in Aug '06
@ssless since Nov '07
" Love that dirty water...Boston you're my home"


vette guy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 650
   Posted 10/3/2008 7:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Slice said...
Or maybe something like..." Hey, we're dating, already have a child. Maybe we should get to know each other"

"What did you say your name was again?"

Allin
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 10/4/2008 2:01 AM (GMT -6)   
That is a great idea Perseverance. I am glad you are going to talk to him and I am glad you are taking the time to educate yourself about it. Let us know how it goes and if you have any other questions. Good Luck!
20 Yrs old. Female.
Short Bowel Syndrome due to many resections. Only 6 ft left.
Can't absorb nutrients, stay hydrated, keep energy.
Currently taking: Calcium, Vit C, Iron, Potassium, Creon, Prevacid, MCT Oil, TPN, Ultrase
Had 15 surgeries. 9 on stomach, others for shunts ect.
Have a Portacath. Had a Colostomy at age 12.


Perseverance6666
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/4/2008 8:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Vetteguy I'm trying to be as patient as possible with you, but you're making that task really difficult.....  Again we've known each our entire lives and when we dated the first time he didn't have the colostomy bag, but somewhere in between he got it!!!  It doesn't mean that I don't know him that just means that there's a part of his life that I don't know how to approach him about and I know he thinks if he tells me I might leave (even though I assured him otherwise).  It's a sensititve subject for both of us and the fact that you would make it a joke angers me because I came looking for support and answers not judgement, but that's neither here nor there!!!! 
 
Allin thanks for you kind words it really meant so much!!!!!!

Glad Bag
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 699
   Posted 10/7/2008 6:23 PM (GMT -6)   
i agree, while I know you have both been on this board a while, Slice and Vette guy, but perserverance6666 is trying to talk about this stuff openly here....let's not joke about it anymore...

intimacy issues are one of most serious aspects of the disease, that all of us deal with, whether we think about, or talk about it consciously or not...these are not issues that are easy for everyone to talk about...for many people, this message board may be the only place they feel they can talk about this stuff..

Of course, everyone on this board feels strongly about their differing feelings and opinions, especially regarding sexual relationships, religion, etc...therefore, we can all easily jump to conclusions.

Perserverance:

my only guess as to where the blood is coming from would be a fistula near the anal area...if you don't know what that is, look it up, it's easy just, google "fistula"

i am happy to hear you will be talking with him about it openly, as beating around it and ignoring the issue can't be a good approach, despite both of your fears...

good luck and kudos for being willing to see past the physical difference that your boyfriend is dealing with...
"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together!" - The Beatles

doesn't that just sound cool when you sing it?

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