Joe90210--while I cannot say that I have a similar experience, I can let you know that finding out you have an ostomy can be very difficult. That being said, I have Crohn's disease so my life was horrible pre ostomy and I have found mine a blessing. It is a much different situation for your wife...has she been able to attend any ostomy support groups? If you visit www.UOAA.org (the national ostomy association) you should be able to find groups in your area. It is wonderful to meet people "just like you" who are living life with the same challenges...I would also suggest she might benefit from talking to a professional who can help her sort out her feelings.
You have probably already run these through your head and I know there are some on the board that have been in more of a similar situation and will be along with their help.