LoveMyHubby--Welcome to the forum!!
Sorry to hear your husband (and YOU) are having such a difficult adjustment period...My initial guess is that he needs a wafer with CONVEXITY...that means that it is cupped by the opening which will pull the stoma up...how it works, I don't know!!! BUT I do know it makes a HUGE difference!! Mine is very small and short and I wouldn't make it one hour without it
Soaps and prep wipes can be another issue, but from your description of his stoma, I'd guess that the wafer is a cause. Let us know how things work out!