depression question

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
28 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/16/2009 12:59 PM (GMT -6)   
How do you guys handle the great depression of losing the prospect of attracting another physically fit person into your intimacies? I don't buy the theory that people look past those things. I was not in a relationship before my colostomy and find the prospects of finding someone to be daunting.

flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 4/16/2009 3:54 PM (GMT -6)   
My husband and I are much more intimate now than before surgery, because I'm not sick anymore. The pouch honestly doesn't even faze him, so there are people out there who will love you for YOU, and once they've heard your story, they'll be happy that you're alive and healthy.
Cecilia
Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.
Disease-free, medicine-free, and very thankful to be healthy again.


Equestrian Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3115
   Posted 4/16/2009 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I am not single, but I don't think I would have an issue with my ileo, if I were to date. I am comfortable with my situation and like Cecilia said, there are people who will love YOU for who YOU are!

I do have an uncle (through marriage) who also has an ileo...since he was 17...he dated, married, had kids, divorced and married again...his current wife and I laugh about how he told her and how it was a non-issue! Moral of the story, there are wonderful people out there who accept others for who they are...

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 4/16/2009 8:07 PM (GMT -6)   
It was kind of weird for me at first for to let my husband see me naked, but honestly i dislike the scar more than the actual bag. But people really dont care, at least people that love you for you!
And as for still beign attractive, thats a mental thing (i know that sounds so cliche but its true) if you project confidence in yourself and your attractiveness people will see you that way.

awesomeame
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 625
   Posted 4/16/2009 10:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Honestly, YOU will have more of a prob with it then your partner. I didn't/wouldn't believe it either after I had my procto, but it's true. Every girl I've met has been pretty wonderful....I'm still single, but believe me it's not because of the bag, in my case it's more about ideals/politics. Just be yourself, if you're liked, it'll be for you, not your bod!

Matt
Dec 2006: Proctocolectomy/permanent ileostomy
Since 1991: Indeterminate crohn's/ulserative colitis


flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 4/17/2009 5:36 AM (GMT -6)   
I'll never forget the first time my husband saw me naked after surgery and said, "You're so beautiful." It still brings me to tears! blush
Cecilia
Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.
Disease-free, medicine-free, and very thankful to be healthy again.


peggy113
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1998
   Posted 4/17/2009 7:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Ditto for me --- hubby and I were dating when I had my surgery many years ago. I even tried to end our relationship thinking I didn't want to hold him to it based on my medical situation. But, he was adamant at the time that it didn't matter to him and he was thankful that I would soon be healthy and we would be able to go places and do things together that we never had been able to do. He was right. We dated a LONG time, like 8 years before we got married. So he had plenty of time to back out of it!!! Been married 17 1/2 years now. It's just part of me and him too!

Having an ileo was more of an issue for me than him, believe me. He forgets about it... I can remember one time years ago, we were goofing around outside and he slung me up on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes! I panicked but everything was just fine. Just goes to show ya how resilient that little stoma is!!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everything will just happen and fall into place in time. I know it is probably easy for me to say, but you will see.
Peggy
      
Diagnosed with CD in 1979, many resections and meds
Perm Ileostomy July 1984 at Cleveland Clinic
Disease free since surgery 
 


D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/17/2009 7:53 AM (GMT -6)   
awesomeame said...
Honestly, YOU will have more of a prob with it then your partner. I didn't/wouldn't believe it either after I had my procto, but it's true. Every girl I've met has been pretty wonderful....I'm still single, but believe me it's not because of the bag, in my case it's more about ideals/politics. Just be yourself, if you're liked, it'll be for you, not your bod!

Matt



I love your spirit and pray you might be right. But it's still so hard to fathom

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 4/17/2009 8:26 AM (GMT -6)   
D22-how long have you had your bag?

D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/17/2009 9:23 AM (GMT -6)   
My operation was June 2008. Does this nightmare get any easier? Dealing everyday with the reality of living like this is maddening.

peggy113
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1998
   Posted 4/17/2009 9:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Maddening in what way? What was the reason for getting your colostomy? Do you go out much, just in general? Just curious, but don't feel like you have to answer my nosey questions....If it is too personal.
Peggy
      
Diagnosed with CD in 1979, many resections and meds
Perm Ileostomy July 1984 at Cleveland Clinic
Disease free since surgery 
 


D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/17/2009 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
The whole sensation of secreting through my abdomen and dealing with the attachment of the bag to my body are just two of the "maddening" aspects of it all.

I had anal cancer. I had gone for a colonoscopy in 2005 and was given a clean bill of health. This doctor obviously went right past the anus and rectum. I'm still angry at him and at myself.

peggy113
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1998
   Posted 4/17/2009 10:12 AM (GMT -6)   

But just remember, you are truly healthy now and actually able to lead a pretty normal life.  It is just up to you to grasp that ideal and move on. 

I would venture to say that NONE of us on this board would have seriously "chosen" an ostomy to have for the rest of our lives, HOWEVER, the flipside of that might have meant that our quality of life would suck or we might have even died without have the surgery and ostomy.  So, tell me, what did you do with yourself Pre-ostomy that you cannot do now?  I'm not sure when you had your surgery so I don't know if you are dealing with post surgery pain, so it's hard to know how you are feeling physically.  My ostomy seriously doesn't keep me from doing anything that I want to do...  And once you become active in doing the stuff in your life that you enjoy, you will honestly forget you have the bag.  Yea, I agree, emptying it is not the most pleasant thing, but it doesn't take very long and it's better than sitting on the loo reading the newspaper, waiting!!

How can we help you?  Do you have any questions that we can help you with?  Please feel free to be specific ... we all will do our best to help ya out.


Peggy
      
Diagnosed with CD in 1979, many resections and meds
Perm Ileostomy July 1984 at Cleveland Clinic
Disease free since surgery 
 


D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/17/2009 1:39 PM (GMT -6)   
My surgery was June of '08. How long does it take to feel that you're not a deformed human being? I don't know whether that's an answerable question.

My work, in the creative arts, has always been sporadic. When there's time that I'm not involved with a project I find myself dwelling on my dilemma. I still need to take something just to try to get a few hours of sleep. I used to, prior to the operation, sleep like a baby. I was even able to doze off for an afternoon nap. Now, I close my eyes and wake up in a virtual panic attack. I even have an involuntary little yelp that I gasp out every now and then.

I obviously having an extremely difficult time.

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 4/17/2009 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
im sorry you are having such a rough time. Personally, it took me a few weeks to reallly get a handle on having the bag, but it was such a big improvement over my previous life i was all for it!
Like peggy said, i didnt spend my childhood going, "when i grow up i wanna poop in a bag!" BUT its much better than dying or living chained to the bathroom.
I think she is right that you need somethign to do to keep your mind off it. A good bit of the time i forget i even have it. For the first 6 months or so i messed with it constantly though, always checking to make sure it was not full and still attached right, lol.
Do you have a support group you could go to? That would help you some i am sure. Also, just keep posting here with any problems and concerns you have, this place helped me alot! All these people are great and i couldnt have gotten through it without them.
How about something like an antianxiety medicine?

hope you get to feelign better soon

D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/17/2009 4:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I have some ambien but that's about it.

flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 4/17/2009 5:09 PM (GMT -6)   
D22,
 
I'm sorry you're having a hard time accepting your ostomy. Do you feel comfortable talking with one of your doctors about it? There are a variety of low dose anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicines that you can take to help get you through this.
 
Many of us suffered for years with an Irritable Bowel Disease, like Crohn's, ulcerative colitis, or colonic intertia, and surgery gave us a better quality of life that we didn't have before. Had I been given an ostomy right after I got sick, I don't think I would have suffered enough to appreciate feeling this good, so I probably would have had a much harder time accepting it, too.
 
The good news is you're alive and cancer free, so that's a good place to start in trying to think positively about this. :-)


Cecilia
Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.
Disease-free, medicine-free, and very thankful to be healthy again.


ohcountrybear
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 192
   Posted 4/17/2009 9:30 PM (GMT -6)   
D22....... I understand where you are coming from. I am a new ostomy patient. And yes it is nice not to be in pain and sick all the time. I drive myself crazy with this thing. I empty it constantly in fear it will leak. I check it all the time. I am getting better with things. I actually started talking to a nurse through my insurance company and I recently started on Lexapro for my anxiety. I am more scared of the upcoming surgeries that I still know I have to have. I did go swimming for the first time last weekend and am going to the gym more and more. This is a great bunch of people that has answered my questions and listened to me whine when my bags came off every few hours. Between the lexapro and this site I am starting to get my life back. I just found I had to take that first step to get myself out of the four walls I felt so trapped behind.

D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/18/2009 5:34 AM (GMT -6)   
This quality of life for a single man is nearly intolerable. I'm sure it may or not be for others. But for me that's the situation.

What do people do about the herniated area by the stoma? What's the best thing for a man to wear if he ever dreams of being intimate again?

ohcountrybear
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 192
   Posted 4/18/2009 3:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I understand that would be harder than being a female because i have looked at outfits that would keep mine at bay..... like a lingerie. Really..... take some time to heal and look within the heart first. That person is going to see that heart more than they are going to see that stoma. Anyone that doesnt have one might question it.....but once we educate them you would be surprised with the curiousities. Give it a chance, go out have some fun. They wont even be able to tell you have it unless u show them.....and trust me that took me forever to realize. You have plenty of support here. If you are on yahoo mesenger my Im is ohcountrybear as well..... feel free to contact me.

badbaggirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 4/18/2009 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear D22,

I certainly can understand your reservations about intimacy. For some of us it takes longer. Although far from perfect, I felt very comfortable about how my body looked. I was slim, dressed to accentuate it and was never afraid of intimacy with the right person. I loved to dance, wearing the normal leotards and I lived to swim. I have had Crohn's disease since I was 16 but I got anal cancer like you, 2 years ago and that's when I had to have a colostomy. It's been a very hard road to stay on, but it is getting better. I immediately developed a hernia in which two surgeons do not want to fix fearing it will just come up again. I felt VERY uncomfortable with this as it is visible under virtually ALL the clothes I had. I had to completely change my way of dress. I do feel a bit frumpy and I don't dance (at least when people are looking!) or swim anymore. Just can't find anything to hide it. Anyway, I found that talking to people here helps. I did see a therapist, and I took Ativan for a little over a year to help with the anxiety. I have been intimate since. The trick is to realize you will get back to normal. It's just a different kind of normal. Oh. And the biggest thing. Have a sense of humor. If I didn't laugh, I would be crying!
BadBagGirl
Crohn's Disease, Colostomy due to cancer and I make darned good dill pickles.


D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/18/2009 3:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you. Is Atvian an anti-depressant? Is there any over the counter drug that helps?

badbaggirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 275
   Posted 4/18/2009 4:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Ativan is an anti-anxiety medication. It was prescribed both by my oncologist and surgeon. Gosh, if there is something over the counter that works the same way, I want to know about it! D22, feel free to email me anytime...
BadBagGirl
Crohn's Disease, Colostomy due to cancer and I make darned good dill pickles.


D22
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 4/18/2009 5:34 PM (GMT -6)   
badbaggirl said...
Ativan is an anti-anxiety medication. It was prescribed both by my oncologist and surgeon. Gosh, if there is something over the counter that works the same way, I want to know about it! D22, feel free to email me anytime...


Does anyone know of anything available over the counter?

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 4/18/2009 8:37 PM (GMT -6)   
i dont know of anything over the counter. Sometimes if you take extra vitamin c it can help with your mood, and i think vitamin D can also. but they arent meant to calm you really. Ativan is nice, lol i took it for a while.
As for what to wear during "fun times" you could get a belly band and just put that on, some people have used ace bandages, some men just leave their shirts on. Or just tape it up on itself so it isnt hanging down, thats the only part that bothers me abotu having it during that time was it hanging down, when i figured out how to fix that it was fine.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
28 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, September 19, 2017 4:40 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,870,501 posts in 315,007 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 156507 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Missouri.
406 Guest(s), 10 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Lapis_29, mattamx, Misalily, Terry's Cellar, gozalot, wearyRAsufferer, hpymomof3, Tim Tam, Aerose91, WV Mike


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2017 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer