This article is hilarious - MUST READ

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ucfree
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 291
   Posted 7/7/2009 10:40 AM (GMT -6)   
I had this article bookmarked and read it again recently .... it's amazingly funny and I think almost all of us can relate to everything he says in here :-)



No doubt the "Miami Herald's " Dave Barry's experience is quite unique and does not remind you of anything you--or my various friends, acquaintances or former colleagues-- may have experienced. . . . nevertheless his in-depth report is worth reading for no other reason than as a cautionary tale.

This is from that news-hound's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for mo re than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
KEEP READING!
about THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
--
Diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis - 1998
Failed, Azathioprene, Homeopathic, Ayurvedic, Remicade, Humira treatment
Steroid dependent - 2009

Temp ileostomy - April 7th 2009 (4 days)
Dehydration - April 24th 2009 (2 days)
Fluid around J Pouch and high fever - May 11th 2009 (4 days)
Takedown surgery - June 3rd 2009

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@ucfree
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Lyonene
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 64
   Posted 7/7/2009 1:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Hilarious!

jblue65
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 381
   Posted 7/7/2009 1:59 PM (GMT -6)   
This is the perfect explanation of the procedure. And for those of us with no colons----- NO MORE Colonoscopies.
Jackie, 43
Pancolitis, DX October 06
Lexapro, Synthroid, Protonix- NO MORE PRED!!!

Surgery March 13th- Total Colectomy
Jpouch surgery to be done in 3 steps
Step 2- June 23rd
Step 3- TBA


summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 7/7/2009 10:58 PM (GMT -6)   
LOL i had read that before but forgotten how funny it is!

peggy113
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1998
   Posted 7/9/2009 2:21 AM (GMT -6)   
I too remember reading this before and can only smile at it in memory now as I will never have to go through that AGAIN!!!! We've all had our share, right?
Peggy
      
Diagnosed with CD in 1979, many resections and meds
Perm Ileostomy July 1984 at Cleveland Clinic
Disease free since surgery 
 


Equestrian Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 3115
   Posted 7/9/2009 5:15 AM (GMT -6)   
I hadn't read that before and my husband and I just had a GREAT laugh...thanks:)!

Marsky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1956
   Posted 7/9/2009 6:24 AM (GMT -6)   
LOL!

Especially.....

"nuclear laxative"

"There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt."

"And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet."

And the bit about having to burn your own house down.

Good stuff. We should all copy, paste, and laminate this article, then tape it to the bathroom mirror as we're taking our next bowel prep!
- Rectal Cancer 4/29/99, Stage I, no treatment necessary
(5 hour colon resection: 90% sigmoid removed, 15 inches of colon removed, gall bladder removed, temporary colostomy, reversed 8 weeks later)
- Chronic IBS/D symptoms, multiple bm's, on low residue diet
- Takes Colace 50 mg each evening


flchurchlady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 2765
   Posted 7/9/2009 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Hilarious! tongue I sure am glad those days are over...
Cecilia
Dx'd Crohn's in '99 at 28. Proctocolectomy and ileostomy in '06.
Disease-free, medicine-free, and very thankful to be healthy again.

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