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cam23
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/28/2006 12:23 AM (GMT -6)   
hi everyone! i am new to this website and also new to opening up and talking about my battle with crohn's disease. i was diagnosed at age 16 and i just turned 25 this past sunday! i had surgery to get an ileostomy at 17 and have been living with it ever since... i have not had a boyfriend since i was 15 years old; everytime i meet someone new i turn them away-my friends just think im really picky because i will find any excuse to not date them! i have never had sex...EVER! im just too embarrassed. on the outside looking in, people think i am this smart, funny, cute girl who can have anybody she wants, but that is far from the truth. i can only imagine what would run through a man's head if he had to see an ileostomy b4 he has sex- i think it totally kill the mood. no one knows i have an ileostomy except my parents and my sister; and i have a HUGE family and a best friend and they dont even know about it. im ashamed, disgusted, and depressed when i look at it. to me its like a double edged sword-without it i would probably be in the hospital right now and living with it i feel its holding me back. tears are actually forming right now as i sit and type this message. im confused, sad and lonely i would love to find a man that would love me despite this 'thing' that lives with me day in and day out. i feel like it will be a problem 4 me bcuz i am a black woman and u dont c 2 many black men or women with this disease...and let me tell u black men can be extremely picky so i know there is no way a black man-hell any man would want 2 b with me.anyway, this message is getting long now and i appreciate anybody that took the time out 2 read this. i NEVER talk about this and this was a great way 4 me to vent out my frustrations and not be embarrassed about my situation even if it was only 4 10 minutes!!!thank u and GOD bless each and every 1 of u!!!!! 

kntkyboy71
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 1/28/2006 10:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Cam,

You need to believe in yourself a little more and give yourself a chance. Any man that would overlook all of the positives about you and walk away just because you have a medical condition probably isn't one that you would want to be with anyway. Get out there and take a chance. You know what happens in life if you do nothing....nothing. You may run into some of the shallow men that you are worried about in your post but I think you may be surprised at just how many of the good ones there are out there.

Chris

Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17456
   Posted 1/28/2006 2:40 PM (GMT -6)   
     Hi, Cam!  I have a feeling that this is going to be a long response.  I'm glad you decided to get some of that off your chest.  We all need to vent.  I certainly can't tell you "why me?" since we all wonder about that, but having an ileostomy is a life-saving procedure.  If I hadn't had it done, I would have died and missed out on a great life!  I had my surgery 16 years ago and do just about everything I did before, except move the piano during spring cleaning!  tongue    I've done a lot of traveling, I swim nearly every day, etc.  You are only limited by your thinking. 
     As far as those intimate moments, first of all, I don't think you want to make love with someone that doesn't care about you anyway!  If they care about you, the ileostomy shouldn't bother them.  Many of us wear the elastic women's tube top over our abdomen to "hide" the surgery.  I know it helps with being embarrassed.  Someone, on one of the threads, mentioned that their husband loved her ileostomy because it saved her life and he just loved her that much.  That's the type of man that you should be looking for.  It's hard to find if you won't take the chance and start dating.
     Try to look at the good aspects of your surgery.  You are alive.  You are free from being chained to the bathroom.  You are young and have a great life ahead of you.  I know you said you never shared with anyone about your surgery.  But, maybe you could join your local ostomy association and learn how to help others with hospital visitations.  I started that and it was very rewarding.  It gave some meaning to the surgery.  I made it through the surgery and so I now can help others by sharing my experiences.  We are here to help one another.  This site is another wonderful way to help others.
     You will find that, once you have truly accepted your ileostomy, you won't think about it much.  It's a part of you.  I remember that when I was due to have my surgery, I spoke with a woman who had gone through it.  She was telling me about the positioning of her stoma.  She said they had her stoma lower on her abdoman because, if they put the stoma in the normal place, it would interfere with her artificial leg!  Boy!  Talk about putting things in perspective for me.  I realized just how blessed I truly was.  You sound like such a beautiful person inside.  Remember that.  I know I always look at a person's heart...not their body.  That special person will do that same thing with you.
     Visit this site frequently and, if you have any experience with some of the topics, don't hesitate to respond.  That might help you too.
     Meanwhile, we are all  here to help one another.  Don't hesitate to ask for help.  We have "been there and done that!"  I'll be praying that you start feeling good about yourself soon.  I'm sure you are the cute, funny girl with the wonderful personality that your family and friends say you are.  Ditch that poor self-image and start living your life to the fullest.  I think you'll be happily surprised with your future.  God bless!
 
Sherrine

cam23
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/31/2006 11:09 PM (GMT -6)   
  thanks to everyone that posted a reply to my message...it was greatly appreciated!! hopefully overtime i will be able to open up more about my condition and become more optimsitic!! its nice 2 hear positive feedback from people who are going through what im going through. GOD bless u all!!!!    : )

Shaz032
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1246
   Posted 2/1/2006 4:23 AM (GMT -6)   
It seems to me as though you're putting up barriers and not even giving yourself a chance. You cannot presume you know what others are thinking, ie there is no way you can know that no one will want you because of your ostomy - you're just presuming this.

I can tell you from experience that this is wrong. I know of many, many ostomates who have met the love of their lives ('bowel intact" usually) and are either engaged, or have married. I, myself, have been proposed to twice.

More often that not, we, the ostomate, worry about our ostomies more than partners will or do. We worry over what they'll think when most of the time they're just glad that we're alive and well and able to be with them.

What if the situation were reversed and a guy you really liked told you he had an ostomy? Would you reject him because of it, even though you really liked him? I'm thinking not. Therefore, there is absolutely no reason for you to think that it would happen to you, is there :)

Nowhere in personal ads, have I ever seen the words: "must be loyal, friendly, love kids, and poop via your rectum and anus". How you poop is simply not a criteria most people base a relationship on - and if they do, then it's good that they don't want you because I'm sure there's no way you'd want anyone that shallow anyway.

I tell everyone who'll listen about my ostomy (I like to 'educate' people about ostomies) and in my 30 years as an ostomate, I've only ever had one person run when I told him about it. All of the others were very accepting and the majority asked questions about it which I answered as honestly as I can. None of them were turned off because I poop differently to them.

Please visit us here often. By venting and talking to other ostomates, hopefully you will come to see that you are not alone and that there are many of us ostomates out there (23000 in Australia alone).

Take care

Shaz
http://www.ostomates.org
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing!
________________________________________________

Ileostomy for 29 years since I was 10 years old, due to UC.


Sherrine
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 17456
   Posted 2/3/2006 5:41 PM (GMT -6)   
     Shaz, I just loved your "personel column ad!"  How true.  It gave me a good laugh.  Thanks!
 
Sherrine

MiketheCrohnie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/19/2006 4:16 AM (GMT -6)   
I know this has been posted, but I thought I should repeat it because it is 100% the truth. As a recent ostomate, I had a reversal done a couple of weeks ago (Crohn's Disease). If anyone were to have a problem with you having an ostomy, they are DEFINATELY 100 PERCENT, not the type of person you would want to be involved with in a relationship. I wish you luck Cam, my prayers are with you. Cheers, Mike.
Crohnie since June 2005.
 
Perforation in Small Intestine Oct 2005, given temp. ileostomy for 3 1/2 months.
 
Reanastomosis of the bowel and closure of ileostomy performed February 2006.
 
CROHNIE FOR LIFE!


Cyborg Ninja
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 660
   Posted 2/19/2006 6:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Black men are picky? Are you kidding me? I have a lot of black guy friends who couldn't care less if a girl has an ostomy just as long as she is pretty... or has some nice curves that's what really matters. I'm sure you're a nice girl who is just too hard on herself. I know a lot of straight women who think completely wrong about what men (or lesbians for that matter) really want.
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