Girl, sounds to me like you have every right to be angry! I would like to think this is a rare thing, but sometimes you hear things that doctors do to people without their permission and it makes you wonder. So, it is ok to be mad, and it is ok, to be depressed. Who in their right mind wouldn't be? Just don't be mad all the time, and don't be sad all the time. Limit yourself to a certain period of time each day, and then when that time is over, try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, ok? Think of the blessings you have and the jobs you need to do. At first, it will be a long time of the blues, and then you will learn to deal. After all, girl, you are a mom, so that gives you that survival instinct. You have to be around for all the MOM things coming in the future. You can be an example for your kids of how to face challenges. They will be better people for watching you handle this. My kids both think I am brave (if they only knew).
Meanwhile I pray that you will feel better soon.
Michele, my situation is different, but I ended up with similar frustration and wanted to share my story with you. After years of infertility (blessed by one adoption in 2003), I finally got pregnant and gave birth vaginally to a son in April 2005. about a week after delivery, I noticed stool coming from my vagina. I visited my OB's nurse as the OB wasn't in that day. She told me that it was just lochia. The next day I was sure stool was coming out of the vagina and again called the doctor's office. My doctor honestly said, "Oh Krystal, women don't get fistulas from giving birth." Well, I went in to see her anyway, and (unfortunately for me) she had to admit that I'd developed a rectovaginal fistula (hole from rectum to vagina) from delivery. The most frustrating part of this is what seems to be inattention to my labor and progress. I'd been dilated to 10 cm for a couple of hours before she showed up to break my water at 9:00 a.m. Then, she went off to do some scheduled surgeries. She checked in on me at noon and said she was going to eat lunch and then would have me start pushing. Somehow, either the length of time that my son's head was pressing on tissues cut off the blood supply to the area of the rectum that developed the fistula (pressure necrosis) or some other oddity caused the fistula. My mother thinks the doctor's technique of perineal massage was the cause. I had an epidural and couldn't feel much at all, certainly not pain and essentially not even the pressure of my son's head.
To shorten a long story, I have had two failed repairs of the fistula, and a month ago (March 8) I basically had a coloanal anastomosis at the fistula site with a concomitant sigmoid loop colostomy. It took me several weeks to choose to have the colostomy. I would break out in a sweat and get nauseated just thinking about having a colostomy. At the very first, I was dead set against it and didn't think I could do it. I did manage to decide that I wasn't going to have a successful repair if I didn't get the stool diverted away from the fistula, and thankfully I didn't back out on the morning of surgery. Still, every single day of the last year I've had to deal with either a fistula, a failed surgery, or a colostomy. I won't even go into the amount of pain involved with all of the surgeries, nor will I talk about the challenges of dealing with a colostomy. I even had a bad run with the home health nurse who was supposed to help me, not ignore me. She even discharged me without my knowledge, but when I called my doctor's office in tears that day, the wonderful nurse there got me in to see the best ET nurse in town, so finally something worked out right!
Hi, Michelle. Sorry to take so long to reply. I thought I'd checked here since I wrote... guess I didn't or else I missed your response.
You can e-mail me privately at email@example.com. I'd love to hear how you're doing. I'd love to be supportive if things aren't going so well still.
Hi Michelle, sounds like you've been through an nightmare. Unfortunately you're not the first case I've seen of operations going wrong and the patient waking up with something completely different than they expected. There's always that clause isn't there on the consent form where you agree to them doing anything else they deem necessary....that clause always terrifies me whenever I have to have surgery as I never know quite what I'm going to wake up with.
I ended up having a total colectomy and ileostomy after I became accutely ill with crohns disease in 1997 (I was 19). I had been previously misdiagnosed and was made more sick by being given incorrect drugs ets. When I finally had to have emergency surgery it was due to septicaemia and my choice was have the operation or die, so for me I felt like I had no choice. I couldn't have a reversal after 6 months as my rectum was not well enough, and to this day (and an abdominal fistula and resiting of my stoma later) I am still waiting. Like you I was in shock after my operation. I withdrew into myself. Everyone thought I was doing ok, as I managed with the stoma on my own and didn't ask for help....but mentally I was a mess. I cried myself to sleep every night for that first year. It wasn't just dealing with the horrible stoma and all it's accidents and problems, but also with realising how close I had come to dying. I kept looking at the people I know doing stupid things like getting really drunk, or running out into the busy road, and I would think, 'don't they value their lives, don't they know that when you die that's it?'. I couldn't think straight. I kept having flashbacks to my time in hospital. I would find myself sitting and staring into space...I had been right back there re-living it all for god knows how many minutes. I had bad dreams, particularly about my time in intensive care when I was half out of it on the morphine and had been completely helpless. I remembered the pain as if it was still real. I got annoyed by my friends and family asking how I was, and people telling me how much better I was looking, because I didn't feel it.
I was obviously suffering post traumatic shock. It wasn't until I met my then boyfriend 2 years later, that he got me to talk about it, not just once, but over and over again, until I had got it all out of my system. Until then I couldn't even think about it without crying (even after 2 years). But after letting out all the pain I realised one day that I hadn't thought about it for a week or more. And gradually I realised the pain had gone.
I still hate my stoma, and long for a day when science progresses and crohns can be cured and my stoma removed. But I can live with it now and have a new boyfriend and am very happy. So my advice to you really is to talk to someone/anyone. It can be a family member, or a complete stranger, and keep talking. And most importantly give it time, it will take a long time to come to terms with how your life has been changed, but just remember, that it WILL get better, even if it doesn't seem like it now. I have my fingers crossed for you that you can have the reversal, but even if it takes a little longer than expected, or if it turns out to not be possible, it is not the end of your life. I do everything that I would have done without one, including backpacking around Eastern Europe, Cambodia and Peru!
You were asking about whether or not you could drink....well, I would recommend you not doing so while you are still healing up, but one drink won't hurt. I rarely drink as it is bad for my crohns disease, but as you do not have this problem there should not be any reason why you can't drink when you are recovered if you had no problem with it before the surgery. The only thing I have found is that when I am drunk I do not wake up when my bag is full. My brain doesn't become aware that my bag needs emptying as my senses have been dulled. So I often end up with a leaking bag if I have too much to drink. This is can be awkward if you are around someone elses house. Oh, and obviously, alcohol can make you more depressed, so until you let some of the pain and anger out, you may find that it comes out when you have a few drinks. I would often cry when I drank alcohol following my operation as I was letting out some of the pain that I had kept so tightly locked up.
Anyway, far more than I meant to write. Wishing you all well