Its ok to feel this way. I think most of us that have had to make the choice felt the same. I can remember before the surgery reseraching everything about ileostomies. The first time I saw a color photo of one I thought I was going to gag, I was just in shock. You know in your mind what to expect but when you actually see it, wow! Its been almost 4 months since my surgery and its really not a big deal. At first when it was time to change the appliance I dreaded taking it off because I knew I was going to see that little rose bud just sitting there (thats what it looks like) But now I don't have any apprehension at all. Its easy to let yourself have a pity party, but everytime I even begin to feel a little sadness I just think back to all those hours of terrible pain that I dealt with every single day and then I don't feel sad at all. I can't begin to tell you what it feels like to have my life back and you will feel the same way. Just little things like taking a drive are huge.... I couldn't do that before for fear of pooping my self, haha. Everyone goes through different stages of dealing with the ileostomy, if you need to cry then cry. Trust me when I say those days will be just painful memories after you recover from your surgery.
First thing - It is OKAY and NORMAL to feel the way you do.
Second thing - You will cry now, and you will probably cry after. It is a normal part of the grieving process. And you will grieve, at least a little. A wise forum member taught me this!
When I read your posts I swear it could've been me writing them. I finally made the same decisin you did - to have surgery. But then my liver decided to shut down due to REmicade - which I had been on for TWO YEARS. So my surgery turned into emergency surgery. I was very sick going into it, and it made recovery that much harder. Be thankful your Doc is working to get you as healthy as possible before you go in. It does help. Also, you've been getting some good advice here, and have been asking good questions. If you want, you can send me a message, and I'll send you some details about what I went through with my surgery. Just remember everyone is different! But you really are preparing yourself well. This is a hard decision, and I seriously don't know if your emotions ever really embrace the idea. I finally accepted that I needed surgery, I never wanted it. Know what I mean? And I was angry as hell right after the surgery. The first week I was hurting, and learing to deal with my new ostomy. I cursed everyone who told me I would feel "so much better". Then I got depressed about the bag of poop that was now permanently attached to me. I cried all the time. Then I started to actually get better. And things got easier. I am starting to eat things I couldn't before, and I don't live in constant pain. It's good.
The thing that helped me most was finally accepting that it was okay to have all of these emotions. Not only okay, but totally normal. I won't tell you that this will be the easiest thing you've ever done. It's surgery. But, you'll be okay. Stomas ain't so bad, I promise. (And it's okay to curse me for saying that if you have an "angry" period, like I did! )
Eva Lou ---
It's ok to cry! I'm sure ALL of us have gone thru some of the same feelings you are going thru. Feeling sorry for ourselves, angry, frustrated, then the complete opposite - excited, anxious to be healthy, and on and on.
Personally, I was rushed into emergency surgery thinking I had another blockage or they were just gonna do another resection. Came out of surgery with a permenant ileostomy. Rectum was gone, what was left of colon was gone, and several more feet of small intestine was gone. I was really, really depressed about it. Very negative. But, I had a UOA visitor about my age that came to the hospital to visit me, and that was a huge turning point for me. She was a godsend. She was healthy, happy, raising a family, working full time, involved in her church, and other activities, vacationing, and very active. Not too long after I recovered from the surgery, I was kicking myself in the bu** for not having it done much sooner. You will actually regain a life back, if you can even remember what it was like to have a life after being so sick.
Yeh, looking at pictures of a healthy stoma is not an appetizing thing, but it's just one small hurdle. It just becomes part of your anatomy and you will adjust. The difference is that you don't have to look at your rectum (well, it's kinda hard even if you wanted too!), but the stoma is right there lookin' at ya. It will be covered up nearly all of the time and it's really not that bad once you see it a few times. I remember that from 23 years ago!
This forum, in my opinion, is such a wonderful thing. You have contact with all of us ANYTIME! We are here for you to cry on our shoulders, ask any questions, whatever you need. Keep your chin up and look to the future of being able to eat, travel if you want to, go shopping, go out with friends, go to work, .....
So, Eva Lou, you just ask away. Never feel bad about expressing your feelings. It is much healthier for you to express them and be prepared for your surgery.