Dating...How can I help him?

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bobbin
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/29/2007 11:12 AM (GMT -6)   
I've recently started dating a really great man, 39 years old.  He has told me about his UC and the surgery he had to remove his colan, as well as showed me the scar...a ileoanal anastomosis (j-pouch) as I understand it from researching it a bit.  He has told me that he has to watch his diet and he also has a alergy to wheat.  He is on a great deal of medications and dietary supplements from what I have noticed.  He does seem to spend a great deal of time in the bathroom and goes quite frequently.  I can understand this given the drastic nature of the procedure.  Also, this type of problem existis in my own extended family, so I am somewhat famaliar with it. 
 
He seems to me to be a bit cautionary about being intimate and maybe feels embarrassed or that he is unworthy of being cared about, or even loved because of what he is going through.  I might even say that he may even use it as an excuse to keep people (women) at a distance.  I really like this man, and have for some time now.  I've told him that we all have medical problems that we all have to deal with, and I am no different.  I want him to know that I am understanding and supportive of his health, both physical and mental.  I know that he has being dealing with this for a long time before I came along, and will deal with it for the rest of his life and my presence willl not change that fact.
 
Does anyone have any suggestions for what I can say, or do, or not do, or not say to help let him know that I am there for him and maybe make it easier for him to open up to me?
 
Is there anything I should know about when being with someone with this condition?
 
Does anyone have any suggestions for what kind of foods I should stay away from if I want to make him dinner, so as to not irritate his condition?
 
Any and all suggestions and/or comments are greatly appriciated.
Thanks

Bluz4Greeny
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 10/29/2007 3:57 PM (GMT -6)   
H i bobbin, I understand what your concerns are. I am a 42 year old female, that recently went through an iliostomy on May 8th. Its very hard to deal at times. I have many moments of depression, and I don't feel attractive . sometimes I wish things were different and this never happened, but it did. My surgery was an emergancy, and I wasn't expecting to lose what I did. Not only did I almost lose my life, I died  during surgery, Which scared me even more, and is constantly on my mind ALOT!!! But I know god has plans for me and I am trying very hard to deal with this myself. just reassure him everyday on how much you love him. Also get him a journal so he can write down  what he is feeling. I know he probably feels alone, insecure, and how can anybody love me with this? There are so many things that run through are minds, and its hard to accept ,cope, and deal with. You isolate and stay in your comfort zone, it feels safe, because fears of , can everybody see or know you have this? I lost my whole large intestine because I have crohns disease U.C. and every digestive tract disorder and disease. I had an abcess, obstruction and perferation. I sympathize with your man, as well as yourself. I also have crohns in my small intestine, with no meds that I can take and that scares the heck out of me. Be patient, Doctors say its harder for men to go through this then women, but I beg to differ. please write anytime, I would be happy to talk.
Good luck!! Bluz4Greeny yeah

Bagarama
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 10/29/2007 4:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Bobbin,
Some men are just shy when it comes to intimacy, so maybe he's waiting for you to make the first move. A j-pouch is all internal, so he does not have anything (like a bag) on the outside for him to feel embarrassed about. Have you two discussed getting intimate? If you have and are both ready and willing, then I say go for it! Good luck!

P.S. - If you're going to cook him dinner, don't serve him anything spicy or raw. Stick with the basics, like cooked chicken, mashed potatoes, and cooked veggies. Have fun and enjoy!

summerstorm
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 6571
   Posted 10/29/2007 9:03 PM (GMT -6)   
as for the foods, basics are good, but everyone has diff foods that upset their tummys, try to watch what he eats and see what he goes for mostly.
i think it probably is harder for men to deal because they don't want to talk about stuff, and they also tend to try to pretend they are all strong and carry on like that, when in truth they are hurting too.
He may be shy about becoming intimate, or he may be worried that the scar is bothersome to you, or like you said, he may be using it as a way to keep women away. This may be a bit forward, but if he has been sick a long time, has it been along time since he has been intimate with a woman? if that' sit he may be worried about how he will do.
is he thinkgin about getting a perm ileotsomy? i ask that because of the problems he seems to still be having.
Anyway, i guess the most important thing to remember is to be patient and understanding, which you seem to be doing already.

peggy113
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1998
   Posted 10/30/2007 10:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Bobbin,
 
I really don't have much more to add.  Bluz, Summer and Bag have covered it wonderfully.   However, I really would like to applaud you on taking the time to find this forum, post your questions and concerns.  That in itself shows just what a caring and understanding person you are.  Your man is just soooo lucky to have you. 
 
BTW, is he aware of this forum?  Maybe you should introduce it to him sometime and maybe get him to open up to other ppl just like him?  Maybe he would feel more comfortable discussing these issues with  ppl that are really in his shoes.  I know that I sure feel fortunate to have found HealingWell.com, as you can tell from all of my posts.
 
Best of luck to you.

Peggy
      
Diagnosed with CD in 1979, many resections and meds
Perm Ileostomy July 1984 at Cleveland Clinic
Disease free since surgery 
 


peggy113
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1998
   Posted 11/2/2007 2:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Bobbin,

I know it has only been a couple of days since your post - just wondering how things are going?
Peggy
      
Diagnosed with CD in 1979, many resections and meds
Perm Ileostomy July 1984 at Cleveland Clinic
Disease free since surgery 
 


Bluz4Greeny
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 60
   Posted 11/3/2007 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Bobbin, Its Bluz I hope things are doing well for you. Haven't heard how things were going. I do want to add I applaud you for you are a wonderful person ,caring and compassionate. You are both blessed to have each other . :-)  take care, Bluz 

JudyK89
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 1986
   Posted 11/3/2007 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
It just occured to me while reading this for the first time (sorry, I've been married forever so didn't think I could contribute) that your boyfriend may have some issues with positions during intercourse. Since you two are so new, it may be hard for him to bring up. You may want to ask him if there are ways that are more "comfortable" for him.

Also, it sounds like you both are having trouble communicating. He's not telling and you're not asking ;0)

If you want to know what to cook for him, ask him. Everyone responds differently, and he may have some definite no-nos.

I think it's wonderful that you're here looking for information, but when it comes to the individual, there's no substitute for one on one communication of likes and dislikes.

I think if you start asking more pointed questions, he may just start opening up. It's hard to know how much to tell a person when you're new to them, you never know how much they want to hear, he may be waiting for his cue from you.
Judy
49 years old, Crohn's Disease   
Six resection surgeries, permanent ostomy, adverse reactions to Remicadeback on 6MP for maintenance, hoping for a long remission from this last surgery. 
 
 


awesomeame
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 625
   Posted 11/12/2007 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
bobbin said...
He seems to me to be a bit cautionary about being intimate and maybe feels embarrassed or that he is unworthy of being cared about, or even loved because of what he is going through. 
i feel like that a lot, i would say it's a normal feeling to have, at least i think so.  i know i've kept people, and pushed people away since i've had my surgery.  my advice would be for you to take the inititive.  some evening ask him how he's feeling, if he says "great," then haul him upstairs.....don't take no for an answer!  i would reallllly doubt if he'd stop you, and it'll make it easier in the long run.  some people need a push, i know i do.
 
--matt
 
 
Dec 2006: Proctocolectomy/permanent ileostomy
Since 1991: Indeterminate crohn's/ulserative colitis


Amey
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 942
   Posted 11/12/2007 6:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Everyone has given such wonderful advice...I just cannot add any more to what has already been said.

Just be patient and supportive. Let him come to you and always reassure him that you care about him.

Good Luck
Amey
 
 
Ileostomy 8/2007
Revised Coletomy/ Reset Anastimosis 2006
Revised Colectomy/ Obstructions 2005
Sub-total Colectomy 2001
 
Prov. 16: 20 Whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he.
 
Zelnorm, Colace, Motilium, Citrate of Magnesium, Nexium, Amitiza, Potassium, Magnesium, Miralax, Milk of Magnesium, Corgard, Glycerin Suppositories, Sorbitol, Bentyl, Senokot


Glad Bag
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 699
   Posted 11/12/2007 7:15 PM (GMT -6)   
let him know that his medical problems don't stop you from being attracted to him physically....he will believe you if you let him know more than once....it just takes some time.
"All we need is love....love is all we need"

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