Angry...Frustrated..No Compasion??????

Do you feel a lack of compassion and anger for your AZ relative?
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Horse
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/8/2008 12:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello, sister and fellow caregivers.  I am terribly isolated and terribly angry in my caregiving for my mother, 81, who has had AZ for a few years now and is in the middle stage of it now.  Sometimes I think that I will just blow up.  I take my anger out on myself rather than on her, of course, because I am a dutiful and well-trained daughter.  I am very troubled that I do not feel more love and compassion for her.  However, that probably has to do with our long unhappy history together.
 
My mother is in complete denial that she has AZ -- keeps saying that she'll be getting better soon and moving out on her own and getting her driver's license back, etc..  Similarly, she has been in complete denial all her life that she has bi-polar disorder -- which practically ruined her life (although she often was having a whale of a time) and irrevocably damaged mine.  I have taken care of her (emotionally) for much of my life (I am an only child and my father is long gone) and now I continue to do so -- and soon I will be a pensioner myself!!!
 
My mother has always been anxious and never happy and AZ is exaggerating these qualities in her.  There seems to be nothing I can do, short of completely sacrificing my life to her needs, that could possibly make her happy.
 
Horse
 
I am SO ANGRY about all of it -- and especially about the way that it is ending -- in a long, drawn-out, painful removal from life with no recognition at the last of what was real -- her conditions, my life-long pain, etc..
 
I am so angry that I am rarely able to feel compassion for her -- except in a purely intellectual way -- and I fear that I am building up a load of regrets about my limited capacilty to nurture her through this final illness that will haunt me for the rest of my days.
 
And then there is the case of my beloved friend, only 69 years old and so full of life and love and surrounded by family who love her, who was diagnosed with AZ only a year and a half ago and who is speeding rapidly down the slope away from us all.  And I would give my right arm to have her back the way she was -- I am so full of grief at her going that I can hardly speak in her presence -- she is so dear to me.
 
So this lack of compassion for my own mother -- this fury at her in her final denial (especially as I read the stories of people with AZ who, with grace,  have come to terms with their illness) leaves me breathless and crazy-feeling -- remote from all human comfort myself.
 
I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced/ is experiencing a similar lack of compassion/anger at their AZ relative.  It would be nice to feel that I am not alone in having such dark and tormenting feelings.
**I added a title to your Thread so ppl know what it is about .you can change it to what you want if this is not it **.LYN 

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 1/8/2008 11:42:27 AM (GMT-7)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/8/2008 11:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Horse
I am so sorry that
First you do feel so Angry and Frustrated with your Mom
It sounds like you are very Bitter as well for having to put your life on hold to help take care of her and for all the past and mistakes made
Can you take some downtime find an agency that will come in for a few days and look after her while you go and get some rest and think real hard on why you are holding all these things against her still ..why you are not able to work thru them and try to get past them
I do not know all of your history and I do not judge you at all I feel sorry that this is the way it will end f there is no understanding what is going on indside you that will NOT allow for compassion and caring ......
My mom never had my life handed to me on a silver platter and we had bad things in our past as well BUT I would give anything IF she was still here with me and not gone and I know that the toll it takes on Caregivers is a hard one you have to WANT to be the caregiver
Being forced into that situation will not help you or your mom at all ........NEVER

I really am saddened that you will not make memories with her and forgive but thats not my decision that is YOURS and yours alone
YOU really sound like you need a break my friend a time alone for you to think revise or review and FIND some good times ( I am sure there had to be some)

I am going to bring some older threads back up and also suggesst that you might talk to your doc about the feelings you have
Find the support there is out there to come in and HELP you out and let you have some time away that may help abit you are feeling strangled right now and thats not how this should end IMHO

Please let me know how you are doing
Remember too please this is NOT her fault nor is it yours
I am here

LYN


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Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 1/8/2008 11:43:36 AM (GMT-7)


minmark
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 182
   Posted 1/11/2008 6:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Caregiving job must come from the heart. You will never understand them if you are doing this as an obligation or just a job. There are significant changges in the personality and behavior of Alzheimer's and if you don't understand them you will end up in frustrations and anger. It's not your fault nor your mother that this happened. Try to research and study about the disease and this might give you enlightenment to your problem. I'm sorry you feel that way to your mother. I undersand your feeling. It's not easy to accept that you are sick, it take times for the adjustment for both. Education about the disease will help to be understanding , compassionate and loving to your loved ones.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/11/2008 4:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Horse wondering
How you are making out have you read and not wanted to respond?
We are not judgeing you here we are trying to support you

LYN
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 


Horse
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/12/2008 1:23 AM (GMT -7)   
I appreciate your responses. I am thinking about going to see a therapist about how angry I am feeling in hopes that I will be able to make peace with my mother before she passes on. It would be nice to be making memories with her even now instead of barely holding it together.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/12/2008 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I do hope you will follow this thru
YES it is imperative to have peace of mind and a full heart when her time does come and NO regrets
I wish you all the best I really do and hope you will continue to post and update us as well
LYN
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 


M.Catherine
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 102
   Posted 1/12/2008 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Horse,
Try this website and look for postings by Johanna from California. She has been through this and has come out the other side. You will, too.
www.alz.org
Mary

M.Catherine
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 102
   Posted 1/12/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Horse,
This is a more direct link by way of Google:
onlinecommunity@alz.org
Then click on Messages Forum Index.
Mary

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/14/2008 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Mary for that link I do hope Horse will go to it and find some peace inside........

Luvs
LYN
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/24/2008 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Horse
Do hope you are reading the posts and seeing the support here for you

LYN
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 

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