Hello, sister and fellow caregivers. I am terribly isolated and terribly angry in my caregiving for my mother, 81, who has had AZ for a few years now and is in the middle stage of it now. Sometimes I think that I will just blow up. I take my anger out on myself rather than on her, of course, because I am a dutiful and well-trained daughter. I am very troubled that I do not feel more love and compassion for her. However, that probably has to do with our long unhappy history together.
My mother is in complete denial that she has AZ -- keeps saying that she'll be getting better soon and moving out on her own and getting her driver's license back, etc.. Similarly, she has been in complete denial all her life that she has bi-polar disorder -- which practically ruined her life (although she often was having a whale of a time) and irrevocably damaged mine. I have taken care of her (emotionally) for much of my life (I am an only child and my father is long gone) and now I continue to do so -- and soon I will be a pensioner myself!!!
My mother has always been anxious and never happy and AZ is exaggerating these qualities in her. There seems to be nothing I can do, short of completely sacrificing my life to her needs, that could possibly make her happy.
I am SO ANGRY about all of it -- and especially about the way that it is ending -- in a long, drawn-out, painful removal from life with no recognition at the last of what was real -- her conditions, my life-long pain, etc..
I am so angry that I am rarely able to feel compassion for her -- except in a purely intellectual way -- and I fear that I am building up a load of regrets about my limited capacilty to nurture her through this final illness that will haunt me for the rest of my days.
And then there is the case of my beloved friend, only 69 years old and so full of life and love and surrounded by family who love her, who was diagnosed with AZ only a year and a half ago and who is speeding rapidly down the slope away from us all. And I would give my right arm to have her back the way she was -- I am so full of grief at her going that I can hardly speak in her presence -- she is so dear to me.
So this lack of compassion for my own mother -- this fury at her in her final denial (especially as I read the stories of people with AZ who, with grace, have come to terms with their illness) leaves me breathless and crazy-feeling -- remote from all human comfort myself.
I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has experienced/ is experiencing a similar lack of compassion/anger at their AZ relative. It would be nice to feel that I am not alone in having such dark and tormenting feelings.
**I added a title to your Thread so ppl know what it is about
.you can change it to what you want if this is not it **.LYN
Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 1/8/2008 11:42:27 AM (GMT-7)