Thank-you. Today was a slightly better day. I got to leave Dad on his farm clearing out the kitchen of junk, while I went to a pdoc (shrink). I've been depressed pretty much since I took on this caregiver role, my migraines have trippled, and somedays I feel like it's me "losing it". When I leave my Dad like that at the farm, I alert a neighbor just to keep an eye on things. Generally, Dad will clean around his house (he built it, even though it's in very bad repair, he likes the familiarity. So then I get a mini vacation, to see a doc. The doc helps me clarify, helps me to see things objectively and I come away feeling much more in control.
My Dad was officially diagnosed a year ago, July past. His Power of Attorney was done simultaneously, because the doctor alerted us he could sign a release for Dad vis a vis, his knowing what he was doing, at that time but wouldn't for long. We got right on it. I know that it's a very hard road because there is no happy ending, things just keep getting worse. Dad was somewhat intimidating in the doctor's office last visit because Dad scored under 22 on his memory test and the doctor told him he couldn't drive any more. Dad commented about driving a bulldozer right through the building and the doctor told him "Ï can have you locked up for that". Later Dad told me he was joking, but, anyway, yes the person disappears and leaves a shell. For example, my Dad fibs, alot. about things where the truth would do as well. I don't know what to make of that.
This forum has saved me, it is a wonderful thing. I reccomend it to everyone who might benefit.
Tinybit, I share the diagnosis of BiPolar and do have these attacks where it feels like someone is reaching inside me and grabbing my heart. I can't breathe. All I can do is lie down, get my comforters going (my heating pad and bed buddy, a rice bag,) get in my jammies, close the curtains, take a small sedative and wait for it to pass. I also suffer migraines, and take zomig for that, and have Fibromyalgia, I have pain meds for that. But I can't take the pain meds when I'm feeling anxious because the codeine and caffeine make me more anxious. Also, my pdoc has cut way back on my anti-anxiety meds, because they are cns depressants and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to take antidepressants and also cns depressants. It kinda like swimming upstream. However, he does allow me 1.3 per day. It's kinda funny cause I always need one at bedtime so I have to have three days with no panic attacks, before I can have one. The pharmacist and I were laughing about that. The .3 part. She suggested cutting them in 1/2, and seeing how that works. I put so much faith in these doctors, I sure hope they know what they're doing. Gosh knows, I wasn't doing such a great job when I was driving the bus. Anyway, today is shaping up to be an ok day. My Dad and I are getting along ok. He took a bath first thing this morning (he has grab bars and all in his bathroom.), Also, we probably will get to go visit my stepmother tomorrow in the Nursing home (It's Thanksgiving Sunday in Canada). You want to hear something ironic. I love irony. We are living in this beautiful house overlooking a bay, lots of ducks and geese, three bedrooms, three bathrooms (my youngest defines it as a "Mansion"when there are as many bathrooms as bedrooms.) We are driving an old car, I picked up for under 3,000. We have about a quarter tank of gas and thirty dollars to get to the end of the month. The irony is, myself and my two sibs own a million dollar piece of real estate just five miles up the road and my brother and sister won't let me sell my share in order to get food, gas, housing (that is ours, not rented), to take care of me and my Dad. They both have really good jobs and really good pensions and won't return calls when dad himself calls and asks for money for food and gas. They just go about their lives like we don't exist. My two sons, one makes $12.00 an hour, the other $14.00 an hour work six days a week and are trying to scrape together enough for us to get a turkey for Thanksgiving. I think that's ironic.
My Dad has just again come into my room to ask me what day it is. This is going to be a big problem. he has the run of the place, yet came in at 11:00 PM to ask me about turnips, and just now came in to find out the day of the week. This is going to cause me major anxiety. I can feel it building. I am locked up with this person, 24 hours a day. I can't get away. Now he invades my sanctuary. i will not be able to tolerate that.
Post Edited (Red_34) : 10/12/2008 7:28:48 PM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 10/14/2008 12:21:47 PM (GMT-6)
Hi Folks: This week is better. It's odd, how we can have a couple of good weeks and then there's this negative shift in my Dad where he huffs and he puffs as if to blow the house down. It's like he's struggling with the grief of all the losses, and he takes it out on the only person around to take it out on, me. Everything becomes my fault. he told me last week to call the people we're renting from and tell them we're leaving. I can't imagin where he would go, if he left here. He would die in that leaky falling down house of his. The woodstove is next to impossible to light because the faulty plumbing has been dripping on it for months and it's soaked and rusty. Also, because the house is damp, the inside wood is wet. The outside wood is wet also because we've had a lot of rain. I'm usually pretty good at starting a fire in the stove, but the last two times I tried to no avail.Besides, it's my disability paying for this rental and I've no intention of going anywhere until I have to. Then I'm moving closer to my family (my sons and Dad's sibs.)
I think a big part of the problem last week was us talking about selling his tractor. Although he used it 3 times last year, while we were living there, and hasn't used it in over six months, somehow it's a big deal. I can inderstand, having farmed a good part of his life having the tractor is meaningful, but with this dreaded disease, he can't get it started, and I surely can't either. So it sits there, rusting away. I guess a big part of the solution is predicting what will trigger the negativity and avoiding it.