Advice or meddling?

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D-Inlaw
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/11/2009 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   
I need some advice. My Father-in-law has late, stage one Alzheimers, my mother-in-law is going to pass away in few weeks from cancer. My Husband wants to find in home care for his dad when she's gone. I think it isn't realistic and am encouraging him to live with his dad for a week to get a good understanding of what he's capable of alone . Do I let my husband and father-in-law both struggle with possible harmful consequences or start looking for a facility?

SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 7/11/2009 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Let him try it & see what conspires......It may be ok.......He will need some help at times from you though........

SnowyLynne


D-Inlaw
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/11/2009 6:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for responding. You are the only one and I appreciate the input.

akhiker
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 7/11/2009 7:10 PM (GMT -7)   
My sister and I took care of our grandmother who suffered from late stage Alzheimer's for several years. We also both worked full time jobs, have families, etc. It isn't always easy but you also have to think of how your husband will feel if he doesn't at least try. It's almost like he's losing both parents at the same time. You have my deepest sympathies.

There are day care programs that can be very helpful. We also used to give my Grandma "jobs" to do that really couldn't go wrong but made her feel useful again. We'd have her sweep the deck that was fenced in and things like that.

You'd need to prepare your house almost like you'd baby proof it. For example, My Grandma loved to cook. We'd let her cook if she would "teach us how" and we could supervise her. Otherwise, we locked up the knobs from the stove. She loved to sew so we kept her supplied with her machine, needles and thread. Then we gave her garments we "really needed her help repairing" that in fact we later used as rags. If we couldn't supervise, the things went away because we needed her help doing something else. She never knew a thing and it really made her feel useful and important for us to ask for her help.

You could try doing some things like that adapted for your father-in-law of course. If he did household repair, you could give him something from freecycle to "fix" if you don't have anything suitable. If he gardened, you could need his help pulling weeds from an unused part of the yard. Maybe washing the car? He may well have some important lucid moments while doing such activities your husband and you will treasure.

I don't know if this will help you or not but it worked for us.

It's also really important to remember that people get angry and it's ok. Arguments will occasionally happen with adults living together even under the best of circumstances. Something you like might get damaged but things like this are small in the grand scheme of things.

Hope this helps. Good luck in whatever you do.

D-Inlaw
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/12/2009 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for all your suggestions. When my mother-in law passes, I guess we will have to just make up our day to day routine as we go and be grateful he is with us. Right now I am sad and tired of waiting for this new stage in our life to begin. The unknown is scarey to us and I am always too proactive and organized. This libo is frustrating but I will start to 'baby proof' our home. My husband is currently looking for someone to live in his father's home and that opens a whole mess of worries in regards to trust issues! Your kind thoughts are appreciated.

sherrvonne
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/6/2009 12:06 AM (GMT -7)   
I would seem that by staying with the Father in Law for a week would be an execellent time to observe just what abilities are, such as can they handle actually taking their own bath or are they muddling through bathtime and it is so so, Do they remember what day it is or do they have to keep looking on a calander someone marks for them. If you ask them a question do they get irrate because they cant remember the answer? Such as "What did you have for lunch today?" and they get irritated and say leftovers, etc... because they don't remember what they had. (I have this client, she don't get to upset, but she'll say the first thing to come to her mind a food, any food, just to answer your question, even though you personally know you made roast. I let my client find the salt and pepper for me when I'm cooking, she will offer to find the cooking pot because she still knows where that is. and she puts the butter etc back in the fridge when I'm finished with it. It is really great, and she loves to be in the kitchen being productive. And she gets to be at home for the time being. I am only there 3 days a week, but I give the family a break during those days.
Well, hope everything turns out the way you want. Sherrvonne.

SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 8/6/2009 9:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Most with Alzheimers need a structured day every day.Routine is needed it helps them....This won't be about you but about him..........
SnowyLynne

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