mother in law with dementia

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henritink
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Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/8/2012 10:06 PM (GMT -6)   
my mother in law has dementia/alzheimer's. i am losing my mind because she is driving me crazy! my husband and i have only been married for 2 1/2 years and his mom calls at least 20 times a day sometimes more. she lives alone since her husband passed a little over a year ago. the phone calls drive me insane and are putting a big strain on my marriage. she doesn't want anything when she call its always confused conversation like how did i get here? when am i leaving? who is coming to get me? she has lived in her house for 20 years and nobody is coming to get her. she needs to be in a facility like assisted living. we have home health care come there everyday from 10am-6pm but once they leave the phone calls begin! i cant take it much more and i am considering leaving my husband because it seems our marriage is all about his mom anymore and im so depressed and angry and i deserve to be happy. am i just being selfish and crazy myself? i don't know what to do can anyone please give me some advise or words of wisdom? is anyone else going through anything like this or similar?

Red_34
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22068
   Posted 2/9/2012 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Have you talked to your husband to discuss how the calls are putting a strain on your marriage? How does your husband feel about her calls?

Is she wandering? How is she taking care of herself after the home care leaves? Is she able to care for herself? If she is a danger to herself, than she needs to be in an AL center pronto. In the meantime, you should have a little more patience. She doesn't know what she is doing. You have to realize that when an adult develops AD or dementia, they practically revert back to being a child. Would you get angry at a child for repeating questions over and over? It can be very frustrating and I can totally understand where you are coming from. But it's also scary for the person who has AD/dementia and sometimes reaching out is a small comfort they can give themselves.

If the calls are coming at all hours of the night or if she calls when you are having alone time with your husband, such as dinner or watching a movie. Turn off the phone and let it go to an answering machine/voice mail. When you or your husband are free, call her back; just to make sure everything is okay.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

henritink
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/9/2012 10:19 AM (GMT -6)   
thank you for your reply. she doesn't wander once the home care leaves. i have tried to talk to my husband about the phone calls but he always says what can i do? she doesnt have anyone else to call. i mean if it was just a couple phone calls then it wouldnt even be an issue but its a ridiculous amount of phone calls as long as she is awake. the other night she called the cops because she was scared. this isnt ok to me this is a big red flag she should be in assisted living. my husband is in such denial. she still has the keys to her car because he is too scared to take them from her a few months ago she went to target looking for her lung doctor and they had to call the police and my husband came to her rescue because the cop was gonna pink slip her but my husband took her home and assured them it will never happen again. i guess she has to kill herself or someone else before he realizes she needs 24 hr care. i do have have a hard time with patience. i guess 2 1/2 years into my marriage i just wasnt expecting this to happen. so it makes me sorta bitter because this wasnt what i dreamed about. i know things happen but why cant he see she needs more care than just 8 hrs a day.

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22068
   Posted 2/9/2012 11:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh my! It does sound like your husband is in denial. His mother should not be driving at this stage and yes, eventually she may just kill herself or others (for example, confuse the gas and brake pedal). Does he have any siblings? Does she have any other living relatives?
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

henritink
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/9/2012 12:00 PM (GMT -6)   
he has a brother that took off to florida a few years ago and does not want to be bothered. they come from a small family so at this point its only she only has my husband. i dont see my husband putting her in assisted living anytime soon so im going to stick it out a few more weeks then i think im going to look for my own place. i have been dealing with this for over a year now and im only 32 years old with a 13 year old daughter who deserves to have a mom who is happy and not sad and angry all the time. im crying right now because i have been with my husband for nine years total and i hate for it to end this way but i just dont think there is any other way. my mother in law is 75 she could live another 10-20 years im not going to give up that much of my life being sad and angry.

Lonie
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Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6412
   Posted 2/9/2012 12:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I know how rough this can be. My father passed away in October, and he kept pretty good check on my Mother who has dementia. After Dad passed, we moved her closer to my sisters and brother, and she lives in a memory care facility -- where she needs to be! They put in a phone for her, but they get calls all day and during the night time hours saying she doesn't know where she is and could someone please come and take her home because she is in the mountains. One week she left several messages for me on my home phone. She doesn't remember anything from one second to the next. Tell your husband that he needs to take care of his Mom; he is not doing her any favors by letting her drive. What you can do? Either call her doctor or put in an anonymous letter to the DMV to have her license taken away. She is NOT SAFE!!! I know you realize that, but maybe print these posts out and show them to your husband. The other thing you can do is have someone intervene and talk to your husband such as a social worker from one of the health care agencies or the state. Good luck, and please come back -- don't feel you are alone out there!

LanieG
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Date Joined Nov 2006
Total Posts : 3792
   Posted 2/9/2012 12:56 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't have experience with this kind of situation but here are my thoughts anyway: First, I think she needs round the clock care for her safety as well as for others.  Maybe a visit to her doctor will be necessary for a request for this.  Is she covered by Medicare or Medicaid, some sort of insurance?  You will need to check with what services are available to her in your area.  Ask your doctor's office for references in your town/city for where your husband should call.  You must have a sit-down talk with your husband.  He needs a wake-up call to this situation.  I understand a reluctance for putting a parent in a facility but he needs to understand that his mother is scared and perhaps not in control of what she says or does and that she might be a danger to herself.  Find a family counselor through insurance, city services or your church and have some sessions with your husband attending.  All of this if for the sake of your marriage and for the well-being of everyone, not only his mother but of your own child.
Lanie

diabetes moderator
diabetes type 2 controlled so far by diet and exercise
very low carb way of eating

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/9/2012 3:41 PM (GMT -6)   
 
Good Afternoon.  You have been shouldering a lot.  Congratulations on finding this site and beginning the process of seeking assistance. 
 
Your MIL  has twice been lost in public so there should be 2 police reports re those incidence.  She has home health already involved with her on a daily basis.  Where is the social worker to do a safety assessment to decide if she is safe living alone ?  I would first look into helping your husband realize he needs to call in Social Services to make a plan of care for your MIL which I am sure from what you have written will identify that your MIL needs to be in a Memory Care Center.
 
It may help to focus on the problem here and with gentle support your husband will understand better.  This is about his Mother's safety which is at risk here.  It is truly not about him or about you so if you can come together as a team I think the two of you can make life better. 
 
Check your state's Web site under aging services. There should be contact information there and maybe someone can direct you to local services that can help.
 
Sometimes we need to be kind but firm when our spouses cannot deal with the reality of a dangerous situation.  Let your husband know you support him but he must take responsibility for his Mother and get her to a safe place to live.  As hard as it is to do, try to keep your own emotions out of this conversation and remember you had a good marriage going until his Mom became ill.  You can have that back. 
 
Please know you are not alone in this situation.  Alzheimer's Disease impacts the lives of millions of Americans and their families. Scientists and researchers continue to search for new answers to help solve this devastating disease that touches the lives of so many individuals.
 
Do know we support you and don't give up on your husband - help educate him in the need to provide the best and safest care possible for him Mom. 
 
Gentle Hugs,
Kitt
 
 
 

 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety, Osteoarthritis,
GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6412
   Posted 2/9/2012 3:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, it is rough on a marriage. My husband's mother just passed from dementia and heart issues, so we had my father, mother, and his mother. He supported me through the tough times in dealing with my parents, and I supported him when he was back in Philly for over three weeks. Trust me, as you'll see in another post from me, I was feeling the same way; I just wanted my life back. So I totally understand how you are feeling -- I haven't had a vacation in years and we are just starting to return to a normal life. It's tough to take care of elderly parents especially when they have dementia, and you are trying to work and hold your own life together. I agree with Kitt, please get a social worker or someone to do an assessment.

henritink
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/9/2012 6:04 PM (GMT -6)   
i am glad i found this website and that im not alone! i have just been so down in the dumps with no one to talk to about it because i dont know anyone in my situation. i love my husband dearly its just been a rough road with his mother. at times i feel i contribute to his stress because i nag at him when she calls all the time. i tell him if she was in a facility she wouldnt be calling saying shes all by her lonesome and scared. its almost as if my husband has another wife he has to deal with she puts all of her problems on him then i feel if i have a problem i cant go to him because hes too busy with her.

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6412
   Posted 2/9/2012 6:17 PM (GMT -6)   

I thought having my Mom in a facility would be the key too; and she definitely is much better off where she is -- that is a fact. But because she has a phone in her room, and is confused all the time, she doesn't realize what time it is, if she just called my sisters/brother, or what's going on. That is the reason for her numerous calls at all hours to them. I keep thinking they just need to take the phone out, but they think it's her lifeline...but she has staff members right outside of her door for any help she needs. So I hear you. Your husband is probably scared too. The person that raised him is no longer the responsible person she once was, and it's tough. Now he has to be the caretaker.

Call a local agency or take the info off the web about caretaking and the responsibilities. Go to lunch at a couple of the memory care facilities -- knowledge is power. And also, his Mom is lonesome and scared. Sometimes I try to put myself into my Mom's shoes and wonder what it feels like to start losing your memory and not knowing where you are. The whole thing is so difficult! Just keep talking -- it's good for me as well!


MT Lady
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 946
   Posted 2/9/2012 10:42 PM (GMT -6)   
you are receiving some very good advice and it is good that you came to this site so that you have some support. I can see how frustrating this is for you, but I hope you can see the other side of this...not only is your mother in law frightened, but your husband is as well. It's very difficult for grown children to suddenly become the parents of our parents. It's just not natural and so very scary to realize what is happening to our parent. It definitely sounds like your MIL is very afraid to be alone. She will be so much better off in an assisted living facility or special memory section. The Alzheimer's Association has a hot line, I don't have the number, but someone is available 24/7. You can get the phone number off of their website www.alz.org. I truly hope your husband does something soon.
Miriam
Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, DDD L1/L2, L3/L4, L5/S1, sciatica, severe spinal stenosis L5/S1, severe facet joint pain syndrome, hypothyroidism.

SmurfyShadow
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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 2/17/2012 12:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Here's an idea.......


There are telephones that are for alheimers and dementa patients.... its where the phone recieves incoming calls only, and there is no outgoing calls.

www.alzstore.com its called a "dial-less phone"

you can do those teddy bear cameras and have it linked to your computer.


Considering you have home care already for her, I'm sure you can get round the clock home care. And some adjsutments around the house liek the dial less phone, you and yoru hubby can agree he will call her say every 3 to 4 hours and the convo can last up to 30 minutes. That way, shes not calling you as much, she can't call the cops.

CHildproof doors, stove, fridge, microwave, etc.

And I hate to say this, but she's either in the middle or last stage of AZ.. which means, she will pass on within the next few years. Why deprive your husband of what little time he is going to have left? And I would really think about this... do you really love your husband? You are considering leaving him over a mother in law that has a medical condition to where she doesnt have a right frame of mind. Do you what AZ and dementia does? It litterly takes your brain and reverses it in time to where a person is a baby again. They stop walking, talking, lucky to eat, so on. It will get to the point where she will have no clue what so ever who your husband is or you.
Yes it is straining on any relationship, but no my significant other never at least once considering leaving me because he understood what what happening and realized it was only a time left. No, your mother in law will not live another 10 to 20 years. It seems she is in the middle or last stage of AZ. If its the last stage, you'd be lucky to have 3 years.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but I want to you look at it from what is actually happening. It seems you dont understand AZ fully. Yes she needs help, but so do you if you are actually considering leaving your husband over a family member. I did 24/7 care, only time I got off was 3 hours a week until I was able to get respite for 3 times a month. Now that is straining. How would you feel if you were your mother in law? How would you like it knowing somethings wrong with you but you have no clue. How would you like the hallucinations? My GMA's hallucinations was our house being a children's meat factory where I'd murder kids and have their heads laying around the house while I grind their bodies for meat. Sorry Sherry but that was her hallucations (now you know why I'd be crying so much here)

Examine yourself and get the help you, mother in law and husband needs. Someone has to be the strong head.

Sorry Sherry you knew this was gonna come out
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 2/17/2012 12:27 AM (GMT -6)   
You can provide a cell phone that can be locked up for real emergencies
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

henritink
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2012
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/17/2012 10:51 AM (GMT -6)   
well someone called adult protective services about my mother in law wandering at night. my husband doesnt believe she does this and that the neighbors are making it up so he is not going to put her in an assisted living yet he is still going to keep her at her house with home health care only coming 10am-6pm m-f the 11-3 on sat and sun. i know all about alzheimers i am a nurse. its just that i have never had to deal with it outside of work. and the reason i think of leaving my husband is because his mom needs more care than just 8 hrs a day and he is in denial about it. so i just take things one day at a time and hope he makes the right decision soon

MT Lady
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Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 946
   Posted 2/17/2012 11:11 AM (GMT -6)   
It's a miracle something horrific hasn't happened to your MIL and it sounds like it is just a matter of time. I realize this isn't your decision to be made and how frustrated you must be, to be thinking of leaving. Is there any way you can get your husband to talk to someone else who can make him understand how serious this situation is? I truly hope so.
By the way, my mother was diagnosed with AZ, MODERATE stage, almost 9 years ago and she remains in MODERATE stage, so to say it's just a few more years is incorrect. She has been taking two medications for dementia and they are keeping her stable. This could potentially go on for many more years.
Miriam
Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, DDD L1/L2, L3/L4, L5/S1, sciatica, severe spinal stenosis L5/S1, severe facet joint pain syndrome, hypothyroidism.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/17/2012 1:37 PM (GMT -6)   
If your MIL is classified as a vulnerable adult and your husband is responsible for her then by not addressing her personal safety  he may fall into the category  of committing abuse by neglect. Neglect is defined as the refusal or failure to fulfill any part of a person's obligations or duties to an elder. Her safety is not only important between the hours of 10am-6pm but all the hours in a day.
 
Federal and most state laws require that licensed healthcare professionals report suspected elder abuse, usually to an adult protective services (APS) agency.
 
I am wondering what adult protective services has had to say re your MIL if they have already been notified by another person.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety, Osteoarthritis,
GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22068
   Posted 2/17/2012 1:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sad to say that Kitt has a very good point about possible neglect. I know that this whole situation is very frustrating for you and understandably so. If the neighbors are calling APS than it may be out of your husbands hands eventually. But please do not give up on your husband. He is in denial and that can take a while to overcome; please have patience. There has to be a reason you married him in the first place yes? In the meantime, keep working on him to make him see that his mother needs 24 hour care.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/17/2012 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Great point Sherry. It is extremely difficult for adult children to make a decision to put a parent in a home as it is the end of an era for both the parent and the child.  Your husband's Mother will no longer be living in her own home where she has been happy as well as your husband wants so badly to not be the "one" to take away her home that he is truly lost and needs support in making the right decision.
 
Don't give up on any of you. 
 
Kindly,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety, Osteoarthritis,
GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

SmurfyShadow
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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 2/18/2012 2:23 AM (GMT -6)   
*grabs Skittty and huggles* Howa reyou??? I agree with Sherry and Skitt

alother every time I spy a Kitt, I always think of one of my felines who's currently next to me meowing and trying to convince me he needs treats. That is, after I just gave him 4. His name is SKittles, short Skit and Skidz
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/18/2012 9:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Awwww Smurfy,
 
I am good and thanks for the "huggles".  My "stkitt" user name stands for St. Kitt - one of the most beautiful places I have ever had the good fortunate to travel to. 
 
However I do have one big ole snuggly adorable cat named Marty Cat. My granddaughter who is 8 has a kitty named "Lollipop-drop-tootsiepop-snowshoe".   She calls her kitty Tootsie for short.  turn
 
Sorry folks a bit OT.
 
However another good selling point for Memory Care Settings is they often have pet therapy available.  From what I have heard many of the residents love to see the pets.
 
Huggles,
Kitt
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety, Osteoarthritis,
GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

www.healingwell.com

"only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be"

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 22068
   Posted 2/18/2012 11:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes they do Kitt. I used to take my Jack Russel/Terrier to see my Gma on occasion at the AL center. Sometimes my Black Lab as well. All the residents loved seeing my dogs.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma and Alzheimer's, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC in '92 - meds: 6mp, Colazal, Remicade and Bentyl*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, in '11 diagnosed with IBS, Diverticulosis, Fibromylagia..I also have Sacroiilitis, Scoliosis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 2/19/2012 3:14 AM (GMT -6)   
omg how did you do that skittt?? all I do is click "pose reply" and wirte and it wont leet me change bold or colo
"The Walking Medical Mystery"

Too many Allergies / Too many RXs & DXs

A Rare Gem for Doctors and Guinee Pig
~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6412
   Posted 2/20/2012 9:55 AM (GMT -6)   
My Mom's care home has a cat that roams the halls and visits the residents. It is great therapy, and the residents love the cat!  Henritink, I certainly hope that someone steps in to help your mother in law. I know how difficult it is; and I'll probably take some heat on this -- but for some reason many men tend to stick their heads in the sand when it comes to tending to their elderly parents. I can only say this based on several experiences. Even my Dad used to say thank heavens he has three daughters! As for the wandering at night; my mother does that almost every night which is exactly the reason we chose a locked facility that had a sufficient night staff for Sundowner's folks. Good luck, thinking about you!

mrpop
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/5/2013 5:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh god can I relate!! maybe my story will make u feel like ur situation isn't so bad (not that I am trying to dismiss ur valid issue). I LIVE with my mother-in-law!!! At least u don't have to answer the phone which I stopped doin poor to moving in with fiance. Be thankful u don't live with.her b/c that will definitely break up ur marriage. My MIL calls me names, wakes me up constantly to beaten and accuse me of losing her things, starts an argument with me the second I come home from work, starts beating me with questions the moment I wake up in the morning. And those are on her "good" days. Honestly, it seems like she purposely messes with me. On top of that she now refuses to where her hearing aids so I have to yell to tell her anything. That is fun in the morning. So, I would gladly switch places with you. Try not to answer all calls. She will eventually not call as much.
henritink said...
my mother in law has dementia/alzheimer's. i am losing my mind because she is driving me crazy! my husband and i have only been married for 2 1/2 years and his mom calls at least 20 times a day sometimes more. she lives alone since her husband passed a little over a year ago. the phone calls drive me insane and are putting a big strain on my marriage. she doesn't want anything when she call its always confused conversation like how did i get here? when am i leaving? who is coming to get me? she has lived in her house for 20 years and nobody is coming to get her. she needs to be in a facility like assisted living. we have home health care come there everyday from 10am-6pm but once they leave the phone calls begin! i cant take it much more and i am considering leaving my husband because it seems our marriage is all about his mom anymore and im so depressed and angry and i deserve to be happy. am i just being selfish and crazy myself? i don't know what to do can anyone please give me some advise or words of wisdom? is anyone else going through anything like this or similar?
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