Mom hates the nursing home

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
29 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

73monte
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1739
   Posted 7/14/2013 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm new here, but not to HW. I'm guessing this has been posted hundreds of times over.
We just admitted my Mom to a nursing home. She's had advancing dimentia for the last couple of years, but it seemed to jump into a higher gear recently after a lung infection.
So far she absolutely hates it there, and has been crying every night, begging to go back to her home.
Did I make a mistake? I'm now considering live-in care in her home. Is this a good idea?
My Mom isn't violent of a wanderer. She just doesn't want to be institionalized. She's willing to go back to her home with a live-in companion.
Thanks in adavance for any advice. Right now I'm just consumed with guilt and sorrow.
 
 
 

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 7/15/2013 7:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi 73Monte, welcome to the Alzheimers site! I too post on another forum, but since my Mom has Dementia, I also frequent this site. I'm not sure how long your Mom has been in the facility. Is it a nursing home or a memory care? Does she have her own room?
 
We had in home care for my parents, and after my Dad died we continued with 24 hour care for my Mom. It's not cheap, but it can be done. There are other options as well; if she likes to be around other people, you could have her go to and Adult Day Care Center a couple of days a week. These centers are fabulous -- the folks get stimulation from others, plus the activities they do.
 
We did end up with my Mom in a Memory Care Center -- we didn't know how she would do because she is such a little and quiet person. She's gained ten pounds and enjoys her "place." It's only about a 45 person center, but it's like a big house and the care there is fabulous. She gets regular meals and takes her meds on queue, plus she is always involved in activities. She closer to my other three siblings, but a lot further from me...and they take great care of her.
 
I hope you and your Mom find some peace. It's so hard and yes, we all have the guilty feelings of not thinking we are doing the best for these fine people; but sometimes I think if we are feeling that way that we must be doing the best that we can -- because if we weren't we wouldn't care. Make sense or not? :-)
 
Carol

Gizzy'n me
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1870
   Posted 7/15/2013 8:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello 73monte ...
 
  I too, first came to HW because of another illness (and of mine) - but have gotten somewhat involved with this illness - because of my Mother. My Mother did have a 24/7 live-in caregiver for 15-months after leaving the hospital in May of 2011. It worked well mostly because Mom was at home - and she felt there was someone there helping her all of the time.
  While it was a comfort to her, as her dementia progressed, she began having occassional episodes late at night - thinking someone was in her house trying to kill her. The last episode like that was pretty bad, and her primary doctor wanted her to be checked into the local hospital - into what I would call the psychiatric ward. Tht was in August of 2012.
  Before being released, the psychiatrist and her primary both stated they would not allow her to go back home - even under the care of the caregiver she had had for 15-months. So ... it was a forced move by the doctors, for her to go into a facility with 24/7 registered nurse care. She has been at that facility since September of 2012 now.
 
  The positives of a facility like she is in ..... they do take memory care very seriously. I have many times watched the games that they play that are intended to stimulate the mind - to keep it active. Games that could not have the same affect if she were in her home with a caregiver. I have watched the degree of respect given to the patients there - by the caregivers and the nurse too.
  And when she falls, as she does from time to time, there is a registered nurse there on staff - who always calls me - and lets me know if the doctor needs to be called, and what they've done in the meantime. Again, this is care she would not be able to get at home with a caregiver.
  This memory care center is set up into 4 small buildings with a home-like atmosphere. Each building holds a maximum of about 18-patients, and each building has at least one house pet (typically a dog) - for the animal therapy benefits. Entertainment comes in about once a week - and it's usually a singer who also plays an instrument, and who gets the patients involved within their performances.
  And the facility does everything they can to discourage a patient from spending much time in their own room ... activities or group activities are highly encouraged. And even though my Mother was mostly a loner in her life, she does love the bingo games, the nail polishing parties, the entertainment in the Great Room and the occassional talking to an animal. The cost ... about the same as her living at home with a 24/7 caregiver. Actually when her old home closes (in a sale) in two weeks (it's been vacant for over 10-months now) ... it will be slightly less costly for her to be in her Memory Care Center - than living at home with the caregiver.
 
  In summary ... for my Mother , it wasn't a choice to leave her home. It was a doctor's order. The term "nursing home" can mean a lot of things! I went thru one close to a year ago when I was searching, and it was appalling - but, of course, they are not all the same. Where she ended up going was to an Assisted Living Home for Dementia and Parkinsins.
 
  And ... if you had feelings of guilt, they are misplaced! If you were guilty of something not nice, you would not be writing about your concerns for your Mother.
 
Wishing you well ..........!

73monte
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1739
   Posted 7/16/2013 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks Gizzy/Lonie for your replies,

My Mom is in a Nursing home, and she does have her own room. I've had her in an adult day programme for the last couple of years when she was still residing at home.

I don't have any other experiences with Nursing homes. We selected this one because my Brother's Mother-in-law is in there, and it's also only a block from my house.

It's only been a week, but I just don't like what I'm seeing right now. My Brother doesn't share my view at all, and is quite content to leave her there. He doesn't want me visiting her for at least 6 weeks, to give her time to adapt.

I just can't conform to that, as I already feel like I've abandoned her. Also, I've been the one taking care of her for the last 3 years. My two Brother's have wanted nothing to do with her over that time, outside of her Birthday and Christmas. I understand that this is quite common, and have heard from many others that have similar circumstances.

What bothers me the most is, if I had of just taken a tour there before agreeing to put my Mom in there, I would of said no way.

Now I feel like I have to give it a chance. In the meantime, I'm going to start looking at some other homes to see how they compare.

 


Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 7/16/2013 1:43 PM (GMT -6)   
73Monte--that's a great idea! Do a comparative and see if there is a place that might suit her and you better. Sounds like you are the one that might make the best decision. Show up unexpectly to see how things are running. I can tell you that my sister's and brother are visiting with my Mom all the time and the staff knows it! I've hear people leaving them for six weeks to get acclamated, but I'm not sure we could have done that either.
 
I will admit that the first few months were really tough, and she'd call my sisters in the middle of the night or every five minutes during the day because she wasn't sure where she was. It was stressful, but I swear to you that she is way happier being where she is.

Gizzy'n me
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1870
   Posted 7/16/2013 5:12 PM (GMT -6)   
To 73monte ...
 
  The term nursing home seems to often get used to describe different types of facilities. The definition given to me when I was searching 11-months ago was ... a nursing home was a facility where State licensing existed to allow for an IV to be placed and monitored on a patient. It does imply, at least in Illinois, that a Nursing Home is qualified to perform some of the more rudimentory actions by the nurse or the staff that a hospital might normally perform.
  The other types of living environments are not allowed that degree of medical support or interactions - at least, in this State. I would guess that this changes by the State, and the available patient programs (to keep their minds stimulated) probably change from location to location.
  Please do give your Mothers facility some time ... ask plenty of questions when you do go ... and quietly observe how everyone is treated when you're there.
 
  As far as frequency of going there, I can't play amateur psycologist here. But personally, I don't think allowing 6-weeks or whatever timeframe seems right to stay away initially is right. I think in order for a patient to feel comfortable in new surroundings, there does need to be a certain amount of "doing it on her own"! But ... there also needs to be a certain amount of "love from home" on a regular basis. You don't want her to feel like she was abandoned.
  From the first week, my Mother went into her Home - last September - I have been there every week, but just once a week. My daughter has come with me 4 or 5 of those times. My dog has come with me 4 or 5 of those times. Yep ... they believe in that ... where she lives! And my daughter told me, on Mothers Day when all three of us visited, "Grandma seemed to be happiest to see Gizmo"!
 
  Take a little time. Don't beat yourself up for putting her in there - either so soon or without checking more places out first. It is a difficult decision ... and feedback from Mom might not be so accurate so soon.
 
Best wishes ...... anbd peace to you and yours.   

73monte
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1739
   Posted 7/16/2013 8:01 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks again guys for the advice.

I went to visit my Mom tonight, and she's still wanting out of there of course.

I asked her if she's had a bath/shower yet, and she said no. The Nurse checked the log, and said that my Mom's refused them. She said that they can't force them and sometimes they've had residents not shower for months.

It seems evertime I visit, there's more things that I wasn't aware of.

I will continue to give it a chance, but she's complaining so much about there being nothing to do all day, and no one to talk to.

While my Mom has dimentia, and very poor short term memory issues, she's leaps and bounds ahead of most of the residents there.


Gizzy'n me
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1870
   Posted 7/17/2013 7:40 AM (GMT -6)   
To 73monte ...
 
  "Nothing to do all day" is not a good thing. Is there a Social Director or similar position there - a person who you could ask to describe what is typically planned for a day? A large activity schedule of available things to do - is so important for a dementia patient. Many patients might not want to do much (in terms of activities) - and it shouldn't be forced, but it should be available.
  I have watched Mom (along with others) play Bingo - but the bingo game was set up with pictures of seasonal things - rather than numbers. I saw how difficult it was, at times, for Mom (and others) to identify a picture of a blouse (for example) after the word "blouse" was called out. Compared to playing by the traditional bingo numbers, it was sometimes difficult ... but it made each of the patients "think"!!! And that was the idea - to present small challenges to the mind.
 
  By the way, my Mother still does complain every other visit or so, that she wants to go home - or how much longer will she have to be there ... and that's after being there for over 10-months now. But, when I watch her playing bingo, or sitting thru an Elvis impersonator, or singing along with an entertainer - she is having a good time, and doing some things that would not be possible if she was home alone - or with a caregiver.
  It's bad enough for a person to be displaced (if you will) and away from all familiar things ... and it's even worse when dementia is a part of it. I remember some of my Mothers first symtoms of dementia (although I didn't know it at the time) - of distrust! And, I think, when you picture someone with distrust issues - then going into a strange place, it could be very scary, or at least uncomfortable for that peraon.
 
  I hope the Nursing home your Mother is in does have a program of some things daily to challenge her mind. I think it's so important for the mind to be challenged to an extent - to be kept busy - I guess!
 
Wishing you and yours well.

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 7/17/2013 7:56 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Gizzy -- nothing to do all day is not a good thing. My Mom doesn't remember what she does, and at first was hesitant to do anything. The caregivers were very persistant and finally she started doing activities -- she never remembers what she does, but my sister's tell me. There is also a big board in the reception area to alert family members what is going on for the month. They make a big deal out of birthdays, and they have an ice cream social every Saturday from 1-2:00.
 
If you do happen to go visit other facilities, ask them about their bathing policies. Not "forcing" them to bathe is a nice gesture...but I think unsanitary and if she is wearing adult underwear...that could become a problem.
 
Also, do they have a central dining area? That's a good way to keep her socialized. Thanks for keeping us updated!

MT Lady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 959
   Posted 7/24/2013 9:59 PM (GMT -6)   
I talk to my mom every evening and every evening she tells me "it's been a long, nothing day." First rule, do NOT believe what a person with dementia is telling you. Where my mom lives, they have activities all day long and early evening. My mom's days may be long and nothing but it is because she refuses to participate. Residents canNOT be forced to do anything, they have rights. Same with showers. As disgusting as this may sound, my mom has not had a shower now for FIVE WEEKS. Thankfully, they are able to get her to wash up at the sink in the morning, they call it PTA (Pits, t**s, and a**)...I was horrified at first but now I realize there is only so much one can do. I truly believe my mom's refusal of medications and showers is her fight to have some control of her life. Those are the only two things left she can control. She was always very independent, VERY stubborn. By the way, the place where she is living, it is skilled nursing care, rated 5 star, highest rating and considered once of the best in this area. The head nurse has worked on her floor for 23 years and tells me all the time how much she loves her job. For the life of me, I have no idea how she can handle it. I get off the elevator, look around and immediately get depressed
Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, DDD L1/L2, L3/L4, L5/S1, sciatica, severe spinal stenosis L5/S1, severe facet joint pain syndrome, hypothyroidism.

73monte
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1739
   Posted 7/27/2013 7:47 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks again for the supportive replies.

MT lady: I understand the "force" issue. I wouldn't be able to watch my Mother not be bathed for 5 weeks though. Don't get me wrong, not being judgemental.

You might be right in the description of things. Maybe she just can't remember what the daily going ons were. I still think that if it were such a great place to spend the final years of your life, there should at least be some contentment. My Mother tells me daily that she simply hates it there, and wants to get out. She cries when I leave almost daily. I don't see it changing. I know that I would hate it there too.

I wish there were some alternative to keeping her there. She seems too far gone for a retirement setting, and not far gone enough for full blown nursing care.

 

 


Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 7/29/2013 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Have you looked into residential care homes? Sometimes those are more "homey" and have a less institutional setting because they are an actual home. They are equipped for elderly needs and have about 6-10 people at the most per home. She might be more comfortable in a smaller place like that.

73monte
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1739
   Posted 7/30/2013 4:15 AM (GMT -6)   

Lonie,

I'm in Canada, so I'm not sure what they're called here. We do have one home like that in proximity to me. It does sound like a better alternative, but the problem is they're extremely expensive here. $5000 per month or more.

I'm now going to visit two retirement homes this week. One that offers assisted living. If that doesn't pan out, I'm going to look at taking her back to her home with a live-in care worker. There's a governement sponsored programme for it. It's still not cheap but it's the only other option on the table.

This too presents problems, as they are all newly emmigrated, mostly from the Phillipines. You sort of have to hope that you get someone that's a good fit, reliable, trustworthy etc. I have seen some very good ones that work well, and also some that end very badly.


Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 7/30/2013 7:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, that's about the cost here in the US for either retirement or care homes...and in home care is even more expensive. It's tough because there are not a lot of affordable options for our elderly. I think our age group is really the first to run into these issues because people are living so much longer. That's the good thing about having a support forum. In regard to the inhouse caregiving -- I think it's a roll of the dice. My parents had some fabulous women come in, and then the next day, someone else that I had to keep my eye on. It's a tough thing. Is the govt program the one that hires the staff, or do you have a say?

Gizzy'n me
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1870
   Posted 7/30/2013 9:34 AM (GMT -6)   
To 73monte ......
 
   I just closed on the sale of my Mother's home last Friday, and even though the 6-year old recession still has housing values down, it was a comfort to have a cushion for Mom in the bank for the next 2 to 3-years or more.
   In the midwest of the U.S. it seems that it is pretty much of a wash in cost comparisions between having a 24/7 caregiver staying in the home with Mom vs. Mom being in most homes with a roomate pairing.
   My Mother had 15-months of living at home with a 24/7 caregiver, and the costs were about $5000./month + the cost of operating the house itself (tax, utilities, insurance, food) + the costs of medical insurance, deductibles and medications. When all of those are added, the total cost was about $7500./month and her combined SS and pension added up to just over $2000./month ... so the lifetime savings go in a hurry!
   In April of 2011, my Mother went into the hospital after falling at home - and not being able to get up. After observation, it was determined that she had dementia - and the doctor would not allow her to go back home alone. She needed to have a 24/7 caregiver. I found a group that was very experienced with dementia patients, and it worked well for over a year.
   However, in August of 2012, my Mother was admitted into the hospital for observation and testing - after having seriously bad dreams and hallucinations. Before being released, the doctor then said she needed to be in an invironment that had trained nurses ... she was at that stage now.
   So ... since September of 2012, she has been in an Assisted Living Home for Dementia and Parkinsons Patients. There is a registered nurse on staff 24/7, they have great programs to stimulate the mind, the surroundings are much more like an large home than an institution. The caregivers there, even after over 40 visits of mine, are always patient and gentle ... no signs of being treated badly!
   I had looked at about 6 different places last August, and they varied in price from a little over $5000. to just under $7000./month. Her's is at $6000./month and includes nearly everything. The only extras I have seen billed have been for the in-house beauty shop and for occassional group excursions - both optional.
   Now, since her old home is sold, her total costs of everything are about $6500./month including insurance and medication ... or $1000. less than it cost when she lived at home. 
   Yes ... it is expensive either way, but the level of care is greater at the Assisted Living Home.  
 

MT Lady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 959
   Posted 7/30/2013 9:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Lonie,
My mom does NOT wear adult underwear, she is continent. Amazing that she is, because it seems she has lost her mind, seriously. She has been on Namenda and Aricept, two dementia meds for ten years now and I think what has happened is that they simply stopped working. Either that, or because of her refusal to take her meds, well, if she doesn't take them, they can't be working. It's such a frustrating situation. My sisters and I were told when we placed mom and they interviewed and assessed her and put her on the Alzheimer's/dementia floor, the "locked floor" even though she does not wander, we were told she needed to be there because of the specialized care. And yet they are not able to take care of her. Why? She refuses. Before it was a game with her. She would negotiate with them, with her meds, she would say "you take half and I'll take half"...eventually she would take them. Now, she purses her lips shut tight and swings her head back and forth. If the persist, she starts swinging, trying to hit them, calling them some really horrible names. My mother NEVER used foul language, never. I can't believe what is coming out of her mouth now. And the refusal to shower. How disgusting is that? And again, it's not that the staff doesn't try. They try to make a game of it. She loves to get a back massage, loves to get her back scratched, they do all this while taking her to the spa room and once she is there, she fights them and screams and carries on so much, they have to stop. My mother is a holocaust survivor, so there may be some issues going on here that have to do with the showers. We simply do not know. As much as she has lost, she is still continent...amazing and thank goodness. She does still recognize me and my sisters, but at times does not know who we are. Honestly, as horrible as this sounds, I see no quality of life. And the cost? $9,600 a month. They are all private rooms with a bathroom, but no shower in the room. As I have mentioned, mom is public aid pending and they are only taking her social security check and allowing her to live there while we wait to see if she is accepted on public aid. It is a nightmare and has made a mess out of me. I am seeing a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. All the phone calls I receive from the nurses, the doctors, the administration, certified letters to sign off on correspondence, and then having to explain everything to my sisters, who are not even on the same page with me. I feel as if I am losing my mind. And the calls from mom. She is able to call, we have a phone that we can program our numbers into so all she does is push a button that has our photo on it. She calls me at least 6 times a day telling me how lonely she is and yet when people try to spend time with her, she screams at them and throws them out of her room. Yes, I visit with her, but I cannot continue to go as often as I have been. It's tearing me apart. I truly understand now why they say Alzheimer's is so hard on the family, not necessarily the patient. My mom has no idea what is going on, from one minute to the next. All I want for her is to be safe and not suffer, that is all.
Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, scoliosis, DDD L1/L2, L3/L4, L5/S1, sciatica, severe spinal stenosis L5/S1, severe facet joint pain syndrome, hypothyroidism.

Lonie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 6447
   Posted 7/31/2013 8:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh Mt Lady, I hear you. It's so not easy on the caregivers, and I'm sorry that she is so defiant. I think it must have something to do with her being a holocaust survivor. Interestingly enough, we know my Mom and her sister were seriously abused by their alcoholic father. When I tell my Mom I love her, she says thank you. Never has said I love you back. She is one of the sweetest ladies, but I just find that interesting.
 
I feel for you, and glad you are getting some help to get you through these tough days. I can't say I've ever had it as difficult; maybe when my Dad was so sick and I was the only one in the area to take care of both of them. Caregiver calls, appts., and trying to get both of them out of cars and one in a wheelchair, the other a wanderer. Yes, it was stressful. Nothing like what you are dealing with though. Hugs.

Gizzy'n me
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1870
   Posted 7/31/2013 5:07 PM (GMT -6)   
To 73monte ...
 
   Going back to your original thread posting - you might consider putting her back into her own home with 24/7 care - but, be careful!
   My Mother's experience with an in-home caregiver was really pretty good, but there were a few times when Mom's temper pushed the caregiver to her limits. Actually, in 15-months her week-end caregiver was changed 3 times. Her weekday caregiver stayed the entire 15-months. Some of it was caregiver patience level - and some of it was caregiver experience with dementia.
   As long as your Mom's doctor hasn't said she needs medical care - like that of an RN, it would seem you have the choice or option. While the home is of course more comfortable, I've been told that dementia patients can become much more bossy - being that it's their own home - and why should they listen to some stranger in their own home.
   And many of the dementia programed assisted living or nursing homes have so many things for their patients to do. Yep ...most will resist. And nearly all want to go back home ... but, does a dementia patient know what's best for her or him?
   My Mother has been in her Assisted Living home for dementia for over 10-months now. It has been a few months since she has said "will she ever go home again"! It is a dificult situation to "watch" ... but again, what is really for her best interests!
 
Strength to you and yours.

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 8/1/2013 11:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Why don't you go or call DHS and ask for an elderly intake worker? It is expensive for home care when you pay out of the pocket. However, I personally only paid $100 a month through DHS. DHS covered the rest of the income. I qualified (as I was her caretaker) for 4 days off a month. Also, think like a baby when it comes to home care (not that she one!). The house needs well basically child proofed - especially doors so they don't escape. You can get door alarms fairly inexpensive, as well as those you know child knobs. At home, you are looking just like a facility, your mother will need 24 hour care 7 days a week. As for the showers, sometimes people with dementia become afraid of water shall we say. My mil was more of a bath person so I'd put a fav show of hers on and draw the bath while she watched her show. I'd say something like "Oh Gma it looks like your bath is ready" or "you might want to get in the tub while the water is still warm". I would basically act like she drew the bath so she thought it was her idea. Also, my Gma was very independent. So you must think dignity too. She probably isn't used to the idea of someone helping her bathe, yet that is what they do at facilities. I'd stay right outside of the restroom so if anything happened to Gma I had a fast response time. As far as what is best for your mother? None of us can decide that, we aren't there to see the situation, and we are not you. Also medical insurances (Medicaid and medicare too) will help in costs for home care and facility care too. I would suggest research first, see what it would intel for you, how much it would cost, how much insurance and funding would pay, how much you would have to pay out of pocket, so on. Basically, I am suggesting to make an educated decision to see what is best.
~Moderator - Allergies & Asthma , Alzheimer's~
"The Walking Medical Mystery"/~Medical Caregiver and Doctors Worse Nightmare~/ And Doctor's Worse Nightmare DX: Lactose Intolerance, Gluten Sensitive, ADD, Fibromyalgia, Carpel Tunnel, Arthritis, Clasterphobia, Anxiety, Diabetes Type II, Grave's Disease, Tachycardia, GERD, PCOS, Migraines, UARS, Anterior Scleritis, Orbital Tumor

73monte
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1739
   Posted 8/2/2013 12:02 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks for all the replies, (again).

All of you have made some very good suggestions.

I've come to the conclusion that the best possible solution for my Mom would be a retirement home that offers assisted living.

There's only one in my area, and I've set up an appt. to visit next week. If this doesn't pan out, then I'm at a total loss, and will likely have to keep in the nursing home that she's currently at.

I did visit one other, but while it was a 5 star facility, it was just too independent for my Mom. The actiivities were great, the staff was excellent, the food and apartments were unbelievable. But they just didn't offer enough assistance.

Tom.

 

 


Franklen
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 54
   Posted 8/4/2013 7:36 PM (GMT -6)   
73monte, Perhaps I missed the post, but I don't seem to see anyone suggesting that either family members live with her or that she live with family members. The way its done in most of the world.

All I keep seeing is this institution or that institution or hiring this person or that person to come in at $5,000 per month and then not even being able to trust them or keep them on the job.

As a alternative to $5,000 a month, why can you or a shared group of the family or even one individual stay with her in her own home, or have her in their home?

Yes, I did that with a father who went through the full progression of Alzheimers so I'm not suggesting something without experience.
Years later, my sister did a shorter version with my mother who only had mild dementia associated with being 96 to 97 during her last year.

I might add, that during the time I cared for my father, he once broke his hip. After surgery, the routine calls for 2 weeks in a nursing home. I would visit him ever day for 8 hours because without that he wouldn't get proper care. Finally when his doctor visited him one Monday, he called me shortly after and told me I must take my father home a week early or he was afraid he'd totally lose contact with reality and flip out.... go permanently crazy.
So that same day a ambulance brought him home one week early. Very difficult but it was the only way to keep him sane.

I don't care what anyone says, activities or no activities, many Alzheimers patients do not do well in these care homes. Only a portion of the patients can or want to join in the activities. The others just sit alone in their chairs or rooms. Eventually they lose touch with reality and family and begin to flip out.
Then they are usually placed on drugs so they won't be agitated or a problem for the staff.
From then on they are barely alive.

I just wanted to keep that at home with family as choice. Its not a easy choice. I understand that.
It seldom is a more expensive choice if the family member doing it is treated fairly.
Between her retirement income and the value of the house, money doesn't sound like the key issue.

Obviously it helps if all family members are involved but it can be done by 1 or perhaps 2.
Her wanting to go home, begging to go home, is only natural. People with Alzheimers are without a framework when they don't have familiar surroundings.
Everything is new and different, different and with shifting helpers, its like being in a nightmare you can't figure out and can't wake up from.
My fathers one week in a nursing home, after hip surgery was like a nightmare.
The doctor was right, he was on the verge of completely losing his mind if I didn't take him home.

Just my perspective. I feel for these old people with Alzheimers. Families can often do more than they think though it often involves sacrifice and inconvenience to one's previous routines.

MT Lady
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 959
   Posted 8/4/2013 9:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Franklen,
You are a SAINT. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's ten years' ago. I took mom into my home for the first year. I was working full time and had a caregiver in the home with mom. Mom was pretty independent but because of her memory issues and confusion, she just could not be left alone. She HATED that I had someone here to "babysit" her. She tormented this poor woman, a true angel, what a love. When I was home, I was with mom. I do not know what your father is like, but my mom would continuously repeat things, over and over and yes, I truly understand it is the disease, NOT her fault, but I could only listen to it so long. I thought I was going to go mad. I became horribly depressed. I have two sisters that did help, but didn't understand how much I needed them. They would pick up mom for two hours on a weekend and then bring her back.
I must say I agree with you about the nursing homes, but for some that is the only answer.
My mom's journey continues. We just moved her into a skilled nursing facility, about four months' ago and boy did that confuse her. It is the change that causes such confusion. Had your father stayed longer, he would have settled in. We had to move her to another room, for her safety, because she falls so often, they wanted her nearer to the nurse's station and so again we went through ten days of hell, well she did and she took us with her.
Alzheimer's is a horrible, horrible disease. The only saving grace is that the patient doesn't remember. My mother has no short term memory, none. But, she remember her three daughters, probably because we are there so often. We make it our business to visit her often, so the staff are very aware family is involved and watching. I also attend family council meetings once a month at the facility.
I must say I admire you so much, to have such love for your family, and patience. You are a very rare gem indeed.
Miriam

figsk8
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2013
Total Posts : 92
   Posted 8/5/2013 12:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I know exactly how all of you feel.  My dad had alzheimers and went through all the stages within a year. The day he passed away he was suppose to go into a nursing home. I truly believe that he did not want to go into one. My mum who did not have alzheimers decided to go into a retirement home in north Toronto. It was the worst thing we coud have done.  My prayers are with all of you.

Gizzy'n me
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1870
   Posted 8/6/2013 9:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello .....
 
   Regarding the choice ... sometimes there is no choice! In my case, my Mother 2-1/2 years ago was rushed to the hospital after a fall in her home. Her neighbor was the first to find her, after my call to Mom went unanswered. I live 20-miles away and have had major meical problems myself, but have been calling my Mother every day at 5pm or so ... since my Father died 18-years ago.
   When she didn't answer, I called her neighbor ... then met them both at the hospital ER. When Mom was released, the doctor said "she cannot go home unless she has a 24/7 licensed caregiver staying with her"! And I have a 2-story townhouse with both bedrooms on the second floor. Mom's house is a one-story two bedroom house - not to mention that she was not going to leave her house of almost 60-years. Of course, Mom could not climb stairs either!
   Then, last August, the dementia progresses to a point of her becoming hysterical at times late at night. She was brought into the hospital, and had close to 30-days of observation. When she was released last Septmeber, the doctors order were "she cannot go back home under the care of her caregivers - she needs to be under the care of a licensed nurse"!
   So ... that is what choice there was!!! Only ... which institution!!!!
 
   Incidentally, while I was in to see my Psychologist for terminal diseases last Saturday, he did say there is a big difference between alzheimers and dementia. I will be seeing that doctor again this Saturday, and will get a detailed definition of the differences. I will post what he has to say!
 
  

Bella33
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 478
   Posted 8/19/2013 3:01 PM (GMT -6)   
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do what makes your mom happy. Imagine this to be your life in 20 years and you are in the receiving end of this. What would you want?
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
29 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, October 20, 2017 1:09 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,884,584 posts in 316,498 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 157620 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Asdzxco3.
244 Guest(s), 3 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
pguehlka, Asdzxco3, jmoore06


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2017 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer