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Chere
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/28/2014 7:39 AM (GMT -6)   
We recently admitted my mother-in-law to a nursing home (about 8 weeks ago). She has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. Her physician has informed us that she is failing to thrive. My husband refuses to go visit her, especially now that she is deteriorating. He loves his mother very much and has always had a good relationship with her. I invite him to come with me every time I go visit her, but he declines. When I informed him of her recent condition, I stressed that it was important to spend some time with her. He told me that he does not want to see her that way. I'm afraid that he will regret his decision after she passes. Should I be more forceful about him visiting her, or is this just his way of dealing with it? I would appreciate feedback!

JaSanne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 2079
   Posted 8/31/2014 9:34 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry that someone hasn't posted earlier. We had family members who were this way in regard to both my parents when they were in their latter stages of their diseases. My parents were hurt that these family members wouldn't come see them. I don't know if your loved one is still able to know people, but if she is, it does matter. But you can't make them come.

My sister and I still had to oversee our parents' care even, and especially, with them in a nursing home. They still had to have an advocate. They still needed love, even when they weren't conscious. I understand the "I want to remember them the way they were" feeling, but we have to do what's right for the patient and not be giving in to our sentiments. No one wants to be abandoned by a family member just because it makes them feel uncomfortable, but your husband's reaction is not new. Men, in my opinion, are probably more susceptible about this than women because it's not socially acceptable in some minds for men to openly show emotions, which is ridiculous, but anyway...

I don't know if my family members feel regret, but I know how it made my parents feel. These family members have to live with their decisions, not me. I really commend you for standing by your mother-in-law. My mother and dad, one with Parkinson's and the other with Alzheimer's, both recognized my husband even when they didn't recognize me at times, which was comforting to me.

I hope your husband changes his mind.

Post Edited (JaSanne) : 8/31/2014 9:39:05 AM (GMT-6)


Chere
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2014
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/2/2014 8:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your response. I am unsure if my mother-in-law can recognize any of us at this point, but one never knows when there might be a moment of clarity. You are right about it being a man thing. My daughter and I are able to go visit, yet my husband and sons refuse. Both of my sons (23 & 21) both shared with me that they are unable to bring themselves to go. I guess women are stronger emotionally. I guess I know who I can count on when and if my time comes!!

JaSanne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 2079
   Posted 9/5/2014 10:51 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry I haven't answered back. I'm not online often and I have my own memory problems remembering where I posted.

You're right in that they can have moments of clarity and it's really special when they do.

I hope your husband and sons can overcome their feelings, but there are a lot of men that way. My brother's sons were the ones who couldn't bring themselves to visit the nursing home. Some people are afraid of nursing homes in general. It can be overwhelming.
55 yr. old--CD over 43 yr. Hemi-colectomy '01; spinal cord injury '01; fistulae since '97; enteropathic arthritis, chronic pain, muscle spasms, scoliosis, rotator cuff injuries

Sometimes I have a wicked sense of humor, other times I have no humor at all, but most of the time I just have no sense.

Red_34
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 23547
   Posted 9/7/2014 4:38 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry for a late response (I've been incredibly busy). But no one can force your husband to go. It's a tough hill to climb in the mental aspect of seeing someone you love decline so rapidly. It's sort of a mental block or a mental stubbornness...possibly even fear.

I know I have a hard time with the very same thing. It took me a long time to overcome this fear and do I regret not seeing someone I love before they passed? Most defintely! But when I was caring for my Gma, who had dementia, I had no choice but to face it. Now, I make it a point to be there when I can. However, it took me a very long time to face it. Perhaps your hubby wants to remember her the way she was and not have the memory of how she is now haunting him. Love in itself is a very powerful emotion and it can enable us or cripple us.

All you can really do is encourage him to see her. She may not remember who anyone is but deep down she still has that sense of comfort from the people that she loved. She's still in there somewhere.
SHERRY
Moderator-Allergies/Asthma, Alzheimer's, IBS, Co-moderator-UC
Diagnosed Left sided UC '92 - meds: Apriso, Remicade (6mp discontinued due to neuropathy)*Unable to tolerate ALL mesalamines*, IBS, Diverticuliar Disease, Fibro, Sacroiilitis, Raynauds, OA, PA, Rosacea, Psoriasis, Dry Eye and allergies controlled by Zyrtec and Singular
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