How to get help?

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Ellie 1
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 11/17/2005 10:36 AM (GMT -7)   
 My mother is 78 years old and has been declining mentally for a decade.  Physically she is in astoundingly good condition apart from glaucoma.  She walks miles every day.
She can remember in detail events from her childhood.  Can tell me about the dress she wore to the first day of kindergarten etc. but can no longer differentiate between a debit card and credit card and cannot understand no matter how I try, why her credit purchases are not on her checking account statement.
I originally thought she had had a stroke (she was insisting she felt someone walking beside her on one of her daily outings but every time she looked there was noone there.)  When I suggested a medical eval. she physically attacked me.  She hadn't struck me since I was a child.  She insisted I was trying to put her in a home.  She is spending (credit) enormous amounts of money on every stray cat in her neighborhood and has flooded her apt. on several occasions because she forgets to turn off the water.  What happens when she forgets to turn off the stove?  She forgets who she is talking to on the phone and often begins talking about me instead of to me.  Can't remember the childrens names half the time.
These are just several small examples of a much larger problem.  My question is, how do I get this woman to the dr. before she burns down her apt building.  I'm afraid for her and living with me is not an option.
Thanks
Ellie

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/17/2005 12:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Ellie ......I just had to do what Blueridge said for you too do .......I lied to my Dad to get him to the Doc told him it was for his cholesterol and blood pressure and God I hated having to lie to him.......He has an scan has been booked but the doc was convinced with the tests he did already that it is AD.My Dad is going quicker than my Mom and does the same thing as your Mom and BR Dad ....he is feeling things crawl on him ....see and hears things ......forgets the water and stove are on ......there is so much he is doing ......this saddens me as my Dad was always the one to go to for all the answers ...so intelligent.....so easy going ....now he forgets what he was talking about in less than 5 minutes at times and gets aggitated so easily . We just got back from seeing the doc and having lunch .he took his dentures out at the restaurant and put them in his shirt pocket ( it was embarrassing BUT I am able to laugh about it ) so would you if you knew my dad ...I have been sick with worry knowing that I will now have both parents to look after but I know I can and will do it .....I have had to do all Mom's banking for the last 2 yrs and make sure all bills are paid or they would not be paid .........I go over in the am and do the housework (is never dirty) but just straighten up and fold laundry get the food out and ready for supper ..then I just have to microwave it at 5 for them .........then I go back around 7 and get mom's legs rubbed and dress her for bed and I do pericare if she has not had her bath ......My hubby will help out my Dad as much as Dad will let him lol........Our daughter Cait comes over to help as well .....I hope you can find a way to get her to the doc's w/o to much of a problem...Please keep us posted on how you are making out.....my thoughts and prayer's are with you ..God Bless ...Lyn
 
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    I cannot keep your feet from stumbling..........I can only offer my hand that you might grasp it and not fall...........Lyn  
 
 
 
 
                              


Ellie 1
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 11/17/2005 9:53 PM (GMT -7)   
It's going to be a real challenge. She won't even go back for her cancer rechecks. She had cervical cancer a number of years ago and never went back. She said the surgeon told her they had gotten it all (I lived in europe at the time and didn't even know about the surgery until it was over.) and didn't want to know anymore. My aunts will not support me in any way. She has convinced them I'm trying to have her put in a home and they say to let her be if she doesn't want to go to the doctor.
I worry about my mother. Her denial that anything is wrong is also putting a financial and emotional strain on my family. (I know that sounds selfish) She's forgetting and mailing her bills before her direct deposit comes in and calls me in hysterics to come and fix it. She's never had difficulty managing money before. She's spent thousands on a cat with a heart condition but speaks of not buying her eyedrops to treat her glaucoma because it will take money she may need for the animal. I wish I could do all this for her but I simply don't have the means.
All prayers are welcome. I think I'm going to need them to get her the help she needs. It took me months to get her to agree to get her cholesterol tested (and it was only at a department store promotion) and when it came up high she said it would be my fault if she had a stroke. That nothing bad happens if you don't know. It's almost like she's become a child again. And is as stubborn and unreasonable as my six year old.
Thank you for your kind replies
Ellie

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/18/2005 4:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Ellie .......ahw honey I feel your pain I really do ......she is like a child and that is this DD.........I have taken the role of parent to my Mom and Dad....nothing harder but I have to do this for them .......I am on disability so I am able to look out for them ......I spoke with a very wise and good friend last night and we talked about this and I was able to tell her how I feel after a long day with Dad and then last night Mom was flipping about things and that was hard for me to watch ..( I sent Cait home so she did not see too much of it ) I have outside support so maybe that is why it iss a bit easier for me .......Perhaps each month either ay beginning /or end when Old Age Security ( I am guessing she is on that ) the bills can all be paid out right away and then have money put aside so if she want s to spend that so be it but not thousands on a cat .........your aunts have to see what is going on or are they getting money from her too ....not accusing ....just asking .......I found out my niece went and got 3000 from Mom for a van that I did not know about but she took Mom's bank card and used it .....Mom said it was ok but she doesnt know the value of money anymore ......I can so feel your pain and if you want to talk more about this you can IM me or email me my info is all up there under my name ....God Bless and keep us posted .........Lyn
 
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    I cannot keep your feet from stumbling..........I can only offer my hand that you might grasp it and not fall...........Lyn  
 
 
 
 
                              


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/18/2005 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi and thanks for your kind words .yes I was laughing to but not at the time I just put my head down and smiled ...Even though my bkgd is geriatrics and I have seen so many with this DD I am still upset and pained to see both parents like this .......Dad has gotten worse real quick and that scares me as I know that if anything happens to him my Mom would die of a broken heart ........I am doing ok I have a wee bit of a cold and just got back from the pharmacy ( blew a tire so I had to fix that and put the spare on)........Jack of all trades master of none lol....I do keep my sense of humor I have to or I would be in the hospital lol.......Am going down shortly to see what they are up too ......sounds like I am running after toddlers but they really do not cause me too much concern other than the water and gas thing but I am constantly checking that and I called today to have an electric stove put in this wknd that will help with that worry........thanks for letting me vent ...I did talk to a good friend about this and had support there which is always good to have .......am having my time now lol.....I go on here to get away from all my problems and try to comfort and help others if I can so I really appreciate it when someone takes the time to comfort me ......thanks and God Bless ..Lyn
 
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    I cannot keep your feet from stumbling..........I can only offer my hand that you might grasp it and not fall...........Lyn  
 
 
 
 
                              


Ellie 1
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 11/21/2005 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
How do you both stay sane? Oh my gosh, shes waking me up at 6am on sundays to ask me things like how to get the closed caption off her television screen. I'm half awake and trying to explain it but she doesn't catch on and apparently thinks I should hop out of bed at that time and rush right over, (she lives 45 min. away without traffic) to fix it.
Her landlady has befriended her and is taking her to Dr. appts. for the Glaucoma, but her appointments can take hours. I can't take her and guarantee I'll still be home when the kids get home from school. She doesn't want to move closer. She wants to be close to my aunt who is also mid 70's, lives just a few blocks away and drives everywhere but hasn't stopped in to see my mother in over a year. My other aunt lives over an hour from my mother, is older and in worse shape than she is.
I don't have any siblings in the picture. My mom and I have never been close. I tried to move her in here a few years ago but she can be physically violent, and she frightened my children. They have to come first.
Her landlady has been a great help with appts. and I take her shopping, vet etc. I just don't feel like I'm doing enough. And no matter what I do it isn't enough for her anyway. My aunts don't help. I don't get out there as much as I feel i should. My 2 year old becomes extremely carsick if I go more than a few blocks so on many of my trips out to moms I listen to my poor baby screaming in the back and smell vomit the whole trip. I lose if I go and lose if I stay. How do you deal with the guilt? Does everyone feel like this?
Ellie

Ellie 1
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Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 11/21/2005 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
It makes so much sense to screen calls and such I just feel so guilty if I don't answer. But the being frightened thing hit it right on the head. She is, terribly. Has been most of her life. Shes always had a difficult time making decisions, and has very little self confidence. Now what was once an annoyance is crippling her. She becomes so confused she doesn't even want to try. She has difficulty swiping her card at the wal-mart check out. I feel terrible for her. At the same time I'm so irritated that I'm digging my nails into my palms to keep from being short with her. Hence more guilt.
Thank you all for your replies. You've been very helpful. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.
Ellie

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/22/2005 2:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Ellie........Blue gave you some great input ,and I am the same I feel guilty about lots of things with my parents .............My bkgd is in geritrics so maybe this is why I am more patient ....it has got to be hard for you having to deal with this........there are many AD resources on HW for you to check out or get in touch with me and maybe I can help you out ......God Bless ........Lyn
 
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    I cannot keep your feet from stumbling..........I can only offer my hand that you might grasp it and not fall...........Lyn  
 
 
 
 
                              


AlwaysRosie
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 11/25/2005 10:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Elle 1,

I used to answer EVERY call. Even if I had to run from the show, sopping wet. Not anymore. There is such a thing as sanity. Like Blue said, if it's important, the caller will leave a message. I don't have caller ID, but if I need a nap or am eating dinner (bfst, lunch) or I'm still in bed, I just DON"T answer the phone. A chronic illness requires me to get emough sleep and to avoid stress (ha ha).

But really, it's easier for me because my children are all grown. I set aside two days every week plus another day when mom needs me.

I live about 20 minutes from mom. I still wish I were closer sometimes. If you do decide to help your mom with doctor appointments, make sure that YOU are the one who sets the time and day so it work with your schedule.

I bet your local Alzheimer Association would have some good advice for you too,

Keep us posted!!

Blessings!
In His Grip,
AlwaysRosie          "We can't control the waves, but we can learn to surf!"
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Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/26/2005 2:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Rosie for you great input ..........God Bless .....Lyn
 
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    I cannot keep your feet from stumbling..........I can only offer my hand that you might grasp it and not fall...........Lyn  
 
 
 
 
                              


Ellie 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 11/27/2005 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all. Had mom over for Thanksgiving. I didn't lose my mind, okay not all of it anyway. Three of my children, plus my mother ended up deathly ill a day to 2 days later and she now insists I gave her food poisoning. I might have actually thought it could have been a food borne illness if I hadn't eaten everything and didn't get ill. In fact out of 14 people, 4 got sick. My granddaughter was there and running a fever. I'm thinking it came from her. Good grief.
Mom seems so unhappy about everything. She is totally focused on the negative. Truly I would say she complains at least 80% of the time. (no exaggeration) I try to distract her with more positive topics, it's strange to me how someone could turn a rainbow or kitten (just examples) into a topic of depression. Is this common in AD?
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for the input. You've been so helpful. I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that I can't do it all. It's hard though. I feel so responsible for her. I'd move her in tomorrow if I didn't think it would be too hard on all of us. Her included. She seems so helpless and I wish I could fix it all for her. Someday I'll be old as well and this could be me. I want to be for her as I would wish my children to be for me.
Thanks again
Ellie

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/28/2005 3:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Ellie I would assume the sickness came from your GD not your cooking ..lol.......sorry not laughing at you but I could just picture my Dad doing and saying the SAME thing that I gave him food poisoning ..he was a top chef and still likes to cook ( I was about 6 when I was taught to make raost dinners and real gravy)........I have such beautiful memories and it so hurts to see him and Mom like this ,.........Mom gets depressed about everything as well I am thinking it is the AD...and hun most times they are helpless ........we have switched roles .......we are the parent(caregiver) and they the child ..........God Bless you for doing what you are ,even though I know it is taking it's toll ........Be well and know we are in your corner ........God Bless .....Lyn


 
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    I cannot keep your feet from stumbling..........I can only offer my hand that you might grasp it and not fall...........Lyn  
 
 
 
 
                              

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