NEEDING ADVICE

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123MICHELE
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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/11/2006 12:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
  I am new to this board.  My 84 year old Dad has AD.  He was diagnosed 2 years ago and can still do everything for himself even though he has almost no short term memory. I hired two caregivers just to drive him around and keep an eye on him.  The caregivers are relatives and he is not aware they are his caregivers.  We had to make up a cover story for them living with him  as he insists "there is nothing wrong with him."  He has been told he has AD but refuses to realize his severe memory loss is a problem. These caregivers are not working out and I am on the verge of firing both of them. (They are lazy, they let him drive alone, etc.)  I have not been able to find another live in caregiver. I have three questions:
1.  Any suggestions on how to find a caregiver (I have asked everyone I know)
2.  At this stage in his AD, would it be safe for me to not have anyone live with him 24/7 and instead just hire someone to dirve him around?  He does not need any help for things other than driving. (I did hire a maid to come in to clean.) Ihe doctor said he prefers he doesn't drive anymore but said if he insisits, he can drive to the store and back.
3.  Also does anyone have any advice as to how to make my dad understand he needs someone to drive him and/or live with him?  He is retired military and independent to say the least.  He is very agrumentative when I have tried to talk to him about this and has refused any help.
Any advice would be appreciated as I am at my wits end. 

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 9/11/2006 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like he may be able to be on his own for periods of time why not just get someone to come for the driving .If he does not need someone there 27 7 then dont make him have anyone there ......the time will no doubt come for that . I have just gone thru this with my dad and it is heartwrenching to say the least but I sat down and just had to tell him "Dad you cannot drive you might hurt someone or yourself "and my dad is not one that takes stuff easy ...we just lost mom 7 months ago ....I am sure this is having a real heck of a time on you and no doubt you are at your wits ends .....Get rid of the 2 "hanger oners " it seems thats what they are doing right ........A free ride and liking it yet not watching him anyways ....
I would give him back as much freedom for now as you possibly can and go from there just have someone come in and be his driver ......If you need to tak my email is there under my name also there are resources on Alzheimers in the yellow box at side ..I hope to see you more and you will be supported here........God Bless.......Lyn
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SnowyLynne
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Date Joined Apr 2004
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   Posted 9/11/2006 9:02 AM (GMT -6)   
He should not drive,period.The Dr.told him no.Take the keys & refuse to give them to him.Disable the car if you have tio to keep him from driving when no one is there.He won't like it,but he'll be alive.
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 9/11/2006 9:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Snowy .........Totally agree thats why I said for her to have someone drive him BUT you are right get the keys from him and thats it ......there will be an argument I am sure :-)    but better he not be driving right as for the "Relatives helping out " hm I really honestly would just find so

meone to come in daily and check on him get rid of them if they are not doing as they are supposed to be doing and getting paid for it .....Not right IMO.......Hope to see you more and you will find this a fantastic place for support.........God Bless,,,,, 


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 Let That Strong Spirit Be Your Guide
 
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    Dont Comprimise Yourself....You Are All You've Got

Post Edited (Lyn (Howlyncat)) : 9/11/2006 11:36:43 AM (GMT-6)


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/24/2006 10:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Just wondering how you are doign and how your Dad is .......Post when you can to let us know please
'
God Bless
Lyn
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 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
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        Lyn
 


Twiggygal
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Date Joined Sep 2006
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   Posted 11/30/2006 11:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Find a home health care service in the paper... or look in the phone book for a decent company. These caregivers sound lazy!! They should be watching him! !! :(

or even put an ad in the paper for "In Home Health Care Aid"... to find the right help, and then you can scrutinize applicants and their experience?

You need to explain when you get the new caregivers that he is NOT allowed to drive alone, or maybe even drive at all?

I hope this helps. *HUGS*

Twiggygal~
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
 
RX: Ativan/Lorazapam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (15 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines
 



Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/1/2006 5:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Twiggy for your input
Lyn
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 One thing I know for sure is we have each other and in times of need no one could be better off IMO
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
        Lyn
 


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 12/2/2006 5:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Wondering if you have read the input
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 One thing I know for sure is we have each other and in times of need no one could be better off IMO
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity...with that ...My God
 Family and Great Friends ........I have it All
 
        Lyn
 


123MICHELE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/8/2007 11:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello everyone and thanks for all your input.  I really appreciate it.  I am sorry it took me so long to post again on this board.  A lot has happened and I  have been trying to deal with it all.  I did fire one of the caregivers and the other has shaped up and is doing a good job. I hired a caretaker for the weekends and he was very good but just gave his notice.  So I am going to try to take care of dad on the weekends myself.  I am a teacher and I put in long hours during the week so I hope I have the stamina to work the weekends too.
   The good news is my dad's car died and it was going to cost too much to repair so he junked it and then decided he wasn't going to buy another one.  He is happy with me driving him around.  Praise God.  That has been a tremendous blessing not to have to argue and worry about his driving.  Dad is doing well.  He has gained a lot of weight now that he is not active so I am tryng to get him to do some exercise.  He continues to be independent and do almost everything for himself but is becoming very stubborn and argumentative. But I try to take it all in stride and take it one day at a time.
  I have one question, at what stage does the wandering or "sundowning" usually start.  I want to be prepared for what is coming.
Thanks again to all.
Michele

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/9/2007 9:50 AM (GMT -6)   
I am glad you have posted again
Happy to hear that your dad is doing better as wellThe sundowning I have seen in different stages and the wandering from stage 2 ......but I believe all are different
On the side is resourrces which will give you a great amount of info as well
Please post and let us know how you are doing and how your dad is ......
TAKE care of self too it is easy for the caretaker to be run down fairly quickly
Lyn
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Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/12/2007 10:23 AM (GMT -6)   
How are things going
Lyn
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 Never compromise your self nor your dignity... 
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123MICHELE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/15/2007 8:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Lyn,
Things are not going great. The caregiver we hired was smoking pot and drinking in the house. We fired him and are now looking for someone to replace him. Needless to say we are having a hard time finding anyone. I have a question about how much to pay a caregiver. If the person is not skilled in cargiving (my dad just needs to be driven around and can do everything else for himself) is $1500 a month and room and board (a private room and bath), cable, phone, etc enough for Monday through Friday (24 hours a day) and weekends off? We have a maid to clean once a week and a gardener, so basically the person just keeps and eye on dad and dirves him around. What do you think? Any guidance would be appreciated. Thanks.
Michelle

SnowyLynne
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 2/15/2007 8:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow,that's alot of money for  no more than the person does.plus all the other goodies they have,lol,& weekends off too?That's a cushy job.
SnowyLynne


123MICHELE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/15/2007 11:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Snowylynne,
   Thank you for the input on the pay issue.  It has been a horrible week.  I am having a huge fight with my sister over all of this. She told me a month ago we were paying too much and should not pay more than $1,000 a month and now told me tonight she thinks I need to pay about $3,500 a month for someone to watch over dad!!!  Then I find out she wants her unemployed deadbeat son to get the job!  No wonder she wants me to pay so much.   He cannot be trusted and I do not want him taking care of my dad as he has done drugs and alcohol just like the last caregiver.  (She says he has quit.)  I don't beleive it for a second and I am not going to subject my dad to another druggie. You can imagine this has caused a huge rift in our relationship.  I am so tired.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I need to find an honest cargiver for my dad and I have been looking and can't find anyone.  I have called agencies but they want almost $200 a day!  Any advice or ideas would be welcome.
Thanks,
Michele

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/16/2007 6:33 AM (GMT -6)   
That is alot of money as Snowy has said
I would put an advert in the paper and get a few responses then ask THEM what they think there time is worth with the duties if there not doing too much living there and not having to pay rent they need not get too much renumeration
Please dont let your nephew look after him this is just so sad I am sorry for all you are going thru ......
There has to be a better way I am sure we can figure something out
Talk later k I am going to do some checking on salaries and such
Lyn
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 Never compromise your self nor your dignity... 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......
 
 
          ** When You FEEL Anothers Pain You FEEL Humbled ** 
 
   
                             
 Co Mod @ Crohns                                     
 Moderator@ Alzheimer's 
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                                     LYN
                                  
                          
                                  


123MICHELE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/16/2007 10:59 PM (GMT -6)   
HI LYN,
THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT. I MIGHT HAVE A LEAD ON A COUPLE WHO DOES THIS KIND OF WORK AND MAY BE AVAILABLE. KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED THAT ALL THIS WILL WORK OUT.
MICHELE

Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/17/2007 1:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Thought and prayers are with you sweetie
I really hope for you and your Dad's sake this can be striaghtened out .........Make sure you do a really good background check please ......
Keep us posted
Luvs
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity... 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......
 
 
          ** When You FEEL Anothers Pain You FEEL Humbled ** 
 
   
                             
 Co Mod @ Crohns                                     
 Moderator@ Alzheimer's 
 Moderator @ Anxiety/Panic
 
                                     LYN
                                  
                          
                                  


123MICHELE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/17/2007 12:29 PM (GMT -6)   
THANKS, LYN FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT. I JUST READ ON ANOTHER BOARD about YOUR SON'S AUTO ACCIDENT. I THINK IT IS AMAZING HOW WITH ALL THAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, YOU TAKE THE TIME TO GIVE ADVICE AND COMFORT TO COMPLETE STRANGERS. I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A RELIEF IT IS TO BE ABLE TO TALK WITH SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS. MY FRIENDS ARE GREAT, BUT UNLESS YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF SOMEONE WITH AD, YOU CAN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE SADDNESS AND FRUSTRATION WE ENCOUNTER EVERY DAY.
A MILLION THANK YOUS. YOU AND YOUR SON ARE IN MY PRAYERS AND I HOPE HE HAS A COMPLETE RECOVERY.
MICHELE

SnowyLynne
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 2/17/2007 4:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Better yet call a good nursing agency & see what the charge...................
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/17/2007 4:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Hun I know sometimes we think we have way too much on our plates and I feel it at times BUT if I did not have HW and the ppl here I would be a lost soul........
I have gone thru so much in the yrs I have belonged here and I have been cared and supported thru it all by ppl that didnt know me right from my first post I was welcomed with opened arms as I had been dx with Crohns and had not a clue what I was doing what was happening I just knew I needed to find support
As far as the AD goes it is a thing that is so close to my heart I cannot begin to explain in full just know I am here for anyone I can help if only a bit and to support you or them in ways they need
Padraig has his own thread there he is a man who took wife out of NH to look after himself she was nearly passing away but for the Grace of God and his love n caring for her she has lived a good life and continues to do so at home with him
He wrote a book I have read it and it would tear your heart out yet at the same time fill it with hope and love for one another .........
Yes my son was hurt had many stitches and I needed to look after him too but the more I do the less I worry about my diseases and what goes on I feel at peace thinking I may have helped someone today just by listening it is hard to imagine not having HW honestly and I am so pleased you have become an active member there is no need for thanks hun I might need to lean on you in the next bit as the anniversary of Moms death draws near so this is what we do we support and care for each other as an extended family
Thanks for your kind words they mean alot
Please do keep in touch on this thread okay
Let me know how thigs are going
** Could you take off the caps hun * thanks
Luvs '

Lyn
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 Never compromise your self nor your dignity... 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......
 
 
          ** When You FEEL Anothers Pain You FEEL Humbled ** 
 
   
                             
 Co Mod @ Crohns                                     
 Moderator@ Alzheimer's 
 Moderator @ Anxiety/Panic
 
                                     LYN
                                  
                          
                                  


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/18/2007 2:21 PM (GMT -6)   
bump
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity... 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......
 
 
          ** When You FEEL Anothers Pain You FEEL Humbled ** 
 
   
                             
 Co Mod @ Crohns                                     
 Moderator@ Alzheimer's 
 Moderator @ Anxiety/Panic
 
                                     LYN
                                  
                          
                                  


123MICHELE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/18/2007 2:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all,
Great news! I found someone to stay with my dad. The man is a widower who is 72 years old. He is in good health and would make an excellent companion for my dad. They are close enough in age to really bond and have a friendship. He is a friend's father-in-law and I know this family well. He will move in within a few days. I think this is a great solution at this stage in dad's AD. Dad can still do everything except drive so this man will be more like a campanion than a caregiver. Wish us all luck.
Thanks for all the information and support. I will keep in touch.
Michele

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/18/2007 2:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Michelle
THIS has made my dad .......
I am so pleased for you and I am really happy for your dad as well
Please keep me in the loop I feel we have become friends and I want to know what is going on in your life if thats okay
Luvs and God Bless
Lyn
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 Never compromise your self nor your dignity... 
 Dream, Reach and Believe ......
 
 
          ** When You FEEL Anothers Pain You FEEL Humbled ** 
 
   
                             
 Co Mod @ Crohns                                     
 Moderator@ Alzheimer's 
 Moderator @ Anxiety/Panic
 
                                     LYN
                                  
                          
                                  


123MICHELE
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 5/11/2007 9:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello All,
   Sorry I haven't posted in a while but things have gone from bad to worse.  The older gentleman who I hired as a caregiver, was leaving my dad alone all day and only coming home at night to sleep.  I fired him and now I am back to square one.  My father refuses to have anyone else stay with him saying he wants to live alone and is sick of people living with him, he doesn't need anyone there, etc. The doctor told us he doesn't have a problem with  dad staying there by himself during the day but would feel more comfortable if someone stayed with him during the night as he could start to wander. (He hasn't so far.) My brother (who lives 2000 miles away)  and I are in  agreement that I will go over at 7 am, noon, 4 pm and 8 pm to check up on him.  I stay anywhere form 30 min. to an hour each time I go.  My sister who lives 50 min. away and rarely even visits dad and gives me no help whatsoever, DEMANDS that I immediately hire someone to be there full time, even though dad has refused to allow anyone in the house.  She said he doesn't have a choice in the matter and is threatening to make trouble. Her real agenda is that she wants her jobless son to be the caregiver. (He used to be the caregiver and he did a terrible job...letting him drive alone, missing dr. appointments, etc. so I got rid of him.)  Now she is telling me to hire him back and I refuse.  My sister is a selfish, coniving manipulator who will stop at nothing to get what she wants.  I have two questions.
 
1.  Dad gave me power of attorney to handle his affairs and make decisions for him when he can no longer do so.  So far, he still runs his own life even though I handle mostly everything regading money, etc. Can she take me to court and force me to make him have a live in caregiver (against his wishes) or have him committed to a nursing home?  Has anyone run into something similar to this and if so, how did you handle it?
 
2.  My dad no longer drives so he cannot harm anyone.  If he is alone for part of the day, it is possible he could hurt himself (fall, etc.) but that can happen whether he has AD or not.  I feel at this point he still should have a say in his daily life and living arrangements. My dad has threatened to sell his house to get away from all of us when we have insisted someone should live with him.  The arguments are horrible and they are killing our relationship.  I say let him live alone for a while until we can find the perfect person instead of hiring some service to come in that will just send over a bunch of strangers and I guarantee he will not let them into the house.  Any advice?????
Thanks a million.
Michele

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/13/2007 7:43 AM (GMT -6)   
HI hun
I think you have answered you own question myself
He is okay during the day inquire with a reputable Nursing care agency about having someone in just from like 11 to 7 am ....

Introduce him / her to your dad and let it try to go from there....
I last check on dad about 8 myself and he is fine till I go over in the am ............
I ma not s worried now as he no longer smokes and I have him listed with AD society in case HE wanders but usually he will come here
I can see his house from here .....

Please keep posting and let us know how you and dad are doing

YOU ARE AN ANGEL.........
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   LYN                               
                          
                                  

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