Need Advise Please

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Dogger
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted Today 9:28 AM (GMT -6)   
My mother was diagnosed with AD in March of this year.  She is presently 85 years old and in great health bodily wise except for AD.  The Doctor perscribed "Namenda" for her to take twice a day which works rather well!  Unfortunately, she stopped taking it well over a month ago.  Now, she's back into her confusion state, nasty, sneaky and refusing to go back to the Doctor.  Says, she's not eating anymore pills and she just wished she'd die.  She's loosing weight fast even though she says she eats. 
 
It's like she has turned on me (her sole caregiver) with such vengence and hatefullness.  I phoned my older sister to discuss what my next step should be with her because I cannot be there 24/7 watching over her.  My sister is planning to come visit next week and try to get her back into see the Doctor.  So, she gets her in and the Dr perscribes meds again....how am I suppose to know that she'll take them on a regular basis? 
 
 
Presently, my mother lives next door to me in a house that we built for her 6 years ago.  She has become so lazy since she moved here.  Will not clean her house....I had to hire someone to do that for her.  I've noticed she lax on showering or even paying attention to her appearance.  For the past 6 years living next door to me, she has been great at barking orders for people to do things for her than trying to accomplish anything by herself.  If I do not jump when she barks at me, she's on the phone hiring someone to come do even the simplest of things for her. 
 
When is it time, or how does one know when it is the time to start looking for an assited living facility to place her in?  I'm at my wits end.  I'm married, have my own responsibilities to face too.  Any suggestions?
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


inert
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 8
   Posted Today 10:20 AM (GMT -6)   

I see lots of symptoms of AD in your post. When my mother-in-law is really bad I try (and sometimes I fail) to remember that these are symptoms of a disease that mostly can not be helped. I have wanted to start a thread about symptoms (and when they start, and how long someone has had them) because the lists you find are not comprhensive enough, because people are so varied.

Her nasty temperment is a personality change. I have read and heard that the mean become sweet and the sweet become mean. I don't find this to be true in my mother-in-laws case. In her case the mean became meaner, but she will have a sweet day once in a great while.

Not taking her pills is a symptom. It goes along with "every one is trying to poisen me" You can take her pills to her twice a day and hope that your attention to her will be motivation to take them. But you can not force her, she is a human and has a right to her decisions, at least to a point. My mother-in-law hates her pills because there are side effects; the first ones made her throw up. The next ones give her diarreah. She hasn't quite figured out that the pill she takes at night, gives her the terrible morning diarreah. But when she does we will be off in search of a new pill.

Your Mom is not lazy (unless she has always been so) another symptom of AD is an inability to clean your house. I think partly it comes from being scattered and confused mentaly, partly from depression, partly from an 85 year old body that is tired and has arthritis. Getting someone in to do the housework was the best solution.

I have read that people with AD become afraid of water. I don't think this is always true. But I think the fear of slipping in the shower when you are alone in the house is probably a great concern. Also I think they get to a point where it is just too much trouble to shower. You can try saying "Today is Monday, you always take a shower on Monday. I don't want you to forget."

Not much of what I said probably helps, but I really liked reading your letter because I don't feel so alone in my own frustration.   When is it time to put people with a serious disease in a hospital? I asked this myself in a post only a week ago. I think I have found my answer.- Probably when you can no longer care for them yourself. Only you can decide when that is.................Inert


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted Today 1:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Inert thank you wonderfully stated and so true all of it
You are an asset to this forum ..........
I never did put Mom away she passed away in March this yr.I am goingto bump a thread for you then you see where you liv and check out the homes in area you would be surprised and I think a little in disbelief at what you read ,see and find
I am sorry your Mom is doing this but Inert did explain eveything so well to you I looked after Mom for yrs I worked in homes, many actually I had my own retirment home and due to many illnesses I had to retire .Then Mom became my daily and night time care and I would not trade a momoent yes there was anger,bitterness and lots of frustration
also there was new memories for me and her we took walks and we did many things together I always could get her out Nature was her thing .......
I have 3 siblings that did not help only one sister in law and brother helped Mom and dad out and yet we always were the ones that did everything wrong (according to mom and others) but we were there always
Sometimes they do fear water for whatever reason I am still not sure of that one not all do but you could find a nice outfit tl her you are going to go out and have her have a tubby or shower and do her hair
I think EMPATHY has to be the biggest need for the caregiver truly put yourself in her place she has got to be terrified and maybe thats the yelling ya know I know I am afraid when I cannot remember a thing from a few days ago .Just feel the anogy she must feel at having to have everyone do things for her
I know you are prob thinking I have no clue that she isnt that way and she is just mean BUT I do have a clue I empathize and I know I wold be so ticked off at losing all of my wonderful memories not knowing my kids my grandkids ect.....
I would be fighting mad but then she to may have some good days do you ever have a chance to take her out
I think they get frustrated at us because they have to deoend on us and this no doubt is hard for her
I agree you did the best in getting someone in to clean
There is a newpaper /newsletter from Alzinfo.org that you can also get which has great aticles in it to help the caregiver. I would suggesst you to read some of Padraigs thread (its long but full of info) and feel the love for his wife ......'
I hope you will post again I would be more than happpy to talk with you as will others in yellow at the side is Resources in there you may find some things to help as well
Post again
take care and be well
God Bless......Lyn
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Dogger
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted Today 5:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you inert and howlyncat for you input, I do appreciate it.  :-)
 
I too have 3 other siblings.  We live a state apart.  My older sister visits mom twice per year for a week at a time, the youngest sister visits once a year for less than 18 hours and my brother has no contact with mom. 
 
I moved my mother to my state 6 years ago after my father passed away because none of my siblings would find the time to help mom.  She never drove, never learned how to pay a bill, write a check, etc.  Mom was from the "old school" where the husband took care of everything.  My husband and I owned two businesses at the time and I had to tell mom that if she wanted me to continue to help her, that she'd have to move where I lived because I couldn't keep our businesses going when I would have to be away for months at a time at her home doing everything for her.  We built her a house on our property to live the rest of her life in. 
 
Now this was a very healthy woman of 80 who mowed 2 1/2 acres of grass per week, didn't believe in a dryer and hung her clothes to dry in the attic which she had to go up and down stairs to do this.  She chopped her own hedges, cleaned her own house, etc.  WHEN she found out that dad left her "well off" is when she became lazy.  She stopped doing everything...said, "why should I, I've done it all my life, I've got money and can pay to get things done." 
 
During her annual check up here, the Doctor said she is such a healthy person for her age.  No osteoperosis, no hardening of the arteries, lungs of a young child, all her blood work is 100%.  She has no arthritus except in 2 fingers.  She can run like the wind...motives quite well.  Bought herself an energetic Jack Russell dog for companionship. 
 
Then the beginning of this year, she started telling me that she saw bushes turn into bears, cars driving through a forrest where there isn't any road, and telling me she's seeing my deceased father standing in my yard during the day while I was at work.  That's when I took her in for evaluation.  Dr. says she's showing early signs of AD and perscribed Namenda which works wonderfully.  But, we needed to get her back into some type of normal routine which meant helping herself to an extent he said.  She refuses to do anything.  Says "money" can buy anything. 
 
I do notice a huge difference in her without the meds in her system.  She had no side affects from them.  She is now back her nasty manipulative attitude which I cannot cope with.  She has no hobbies whatsoever.  Won't even read a book or newspaper.  She will not get involved with a Senior center...says those places are for old people and she doesn't fit in.  She calls my friends conning them into taking her places without my knowledge, which I put a stop to.  I worry about the liability and responsibility part of them taking her anywhere. 
 
Frustrating?  Yes...it sure is.  I spoke with my older sister this morning and now I have second thoughts about her intervention.  You see, she's in bad healthy, a diebetic too, a person who admits to me that she too doesn't take her own meds when she's suppose to.  She says she's kind of like mom. sad
I don't know where this will all go after mom's Dr appt on Tuesday.  I'm trying to keep positive and things will improve. 
 
Dr and I talked about an assited living facility six months ago if mom didn't try to do more for herself. 
 
Thanks for letting me come here and vent in my posts.  I've looked around this forum and there is such wonderful support and advise here.  I will be checking out your resource links! 
 
 


A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Post Edited (Dogger) : 9/27/2006 4:10:55 PM (GMT-6)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 9/28/2006 4:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Dogger,I am so sorry I can certainly feel you frustration and I feel in some areas rightly so .Okay medication can you put in something she drinks like juice or tea? Perhaps the doctor can help out with that .As for money I guess you have one heck of a situation there she knows and is using "PowerMoney" to do what she wants to do .You I commend ,and your sister that isnt taking her diabetes meds she is just asking for an early death and that to me is just not right: however you could still have her come and stay with your mom for a good amount of time splitting bills and chores perhaps this way she is not alone.I think your siblings have to take some responsibility her in all honesty .I have just gone thru this and the moment mom died everything was out of my hands her funeral arrangements everything .My sister donated her body to science ( I agree to a point) and I was not even informed I called about her ashes and was told it wil be a yr before we get them hence I have no closure with mom at all .
You can have her declared incompetent and then the money is not right all there for her to spend ya know But I believe it is a hard thing to do
the doctor has to be able to help you more with this and maybe a home care worker to come in and stay the day with her and you can get live in .I believe you are being great and I do commend you this is hard top do with our parents we are not supposed to have to do this .Life is not right when the tables are turned like that and I know I felt robbed sometimes because siblings wouldnt help and I was trying to raise Daughter and I am ill as well .
I can be here for you maybe a soft place to land and give you support and I will be .Alzinfo .com is also good for reading about this and things AD does new research meds ect ........yes do check out the resources there is plenty in there .Have you read the 36 hour day ? That is a great book and I would really recommend it to you
Please take care and keep in touch ......Lyn


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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 10/2/2006 1:16:13 PM (GMT-6)


Dogger
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/30/2006 9:13 AM (GMT -6)   

Thanks again Howlyncat for your input and support!  (((Hugs)))

Again, I spoke with my older sister on Thursday re: mom and her AD.  (Sis is coming in Monday night and will go back home Saturday.)  I wished you had a pulling your hair out smiley to use (LOL) because I do beleive Sis is not going to accomplish a thing.  She does NOT want outside intervention (a visiting home worker) because she believes mom would be declared a ward of the state then.  Sis believes in the short time she'll be here, she'll be able to get mom to the scheduled Dr appt, get her back on meds and everything will be just fine.  I asked her..."What happens when you go back home then?"  Like I mentioned earlier, this sister only comes to visit twice a year for 6 days at a crack.  She will not stay longer than that because her coping skills are fried by weeks end.  (Not only is she a diabetic, she also takes paxil for depression.) 

I discussed all this with my husband, who is quite involved with my mothers care and I've come to the conclusion that after sis is finished doing what she believes will work, I'll have to do what is right!  I know my mother...she'll put on the "good" front and eat those pills until nobody is around for the immediate attention that week.

Another problem I have is the house cleaner I hired to just clean her house.  Without my knowledge, this woman has been loading my mother up in her vehicle after cleaning and taking her bumming!  Does this woman not understand the liability and respsonsibility of doing this?  I e-mailed this woman and told her this is to stop immediately.  Now, my mother is not speaking to me, nor will let me into her house!  I only hired this woman to clean, nothing else!

No matter how well my husband and I work at getting my mother back on track, with a stable schedule that she can adhere to, someone comes along and sets everything back.  Now...do I fire the housecleaner or let her stay and still have mom con her into a road trip?  This woman knows mom has AD and I also brought it to her attention she is off her meds.  I'm tired off everyone telling me my mother is "just fine," including my sisters!  The Dr and tests revealed AD, why is it they cannot understand mom is NOT alright?  This is why my sister wants to take mom to her Tuesday appt....to find out first hand what the health statis is on mom.  (Like I would lie?)  I think mom has worked her "behind the scenes" magic on these people, trying to make them believe "I'm" the one with the problem, not her.  She has always been a master at manipulation.

I reminded my sister of her last visit...how mom did those quirky things like saving in a huge jar all the used poutry timers, how she would not let her cook a thing in her home, teliing sis when she had to go to bed, when it rained...mom shut everything off in the house and handed my sister a flashlight, seeing things in the yard that are not there, saving every piece of junk mail which now a 8 drawer dresser is full to the max of, etc.  My sister laughed and said she just thought it was comical....what old people must do.  (I don't think so)

No, the other siblings will not involve themselves.  Afraid that they might end up with mom and be totally responsible for her like I am. All the younger sister is interested in is what she'll get after mom is gone!  She's already tried to get mom to give her $25,000 which I put a stop to.   

I am self employed and leave for work at 6am, return home at 3pm.  Administering meds to mom is not an option.  Mom keeps screaming at me that "I can have a life after she's dead."  No...I need my own life now, and I will not let her fall through the cracks and falsey believe what my sister thinks will work, will.  Yes, I do hope the Dr can give my sister a reality check and discuss the much needed options with her to deal with the situation I face.  My sister will not visit again until late June or July of next year now.

Thanks for all the links on AD too.  I've been reading them to learn more and more.  I guess it all boils down to....what intervention I can receive from the Dr and this sister for the help needed.

 


A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 10/2/2006 10:15 AM (GMT -6)   
You needto take a stand & stick to it.Do you have POA??If not you need it or get gaurdianship.Your Mom needs more than what she is getting.
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/2/2006 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Exactly and if you have Power of Attorney then start the ball rolling
Your siblings can help out or they can fight for any monies left to them if they are not actively helping ot AT least here in Ontario Canada I
know this can be done
Hun could you put your email addy in the little envelope by your name
To do this go to Control panel and Edit your Profile ........
if you dont want to I understand
Its just that I may have some thigs to help you out as would Snowy I am sure
This Lady (snowy is great with all of this and is definitely as asset to this board)
I will check again later to see if you do add if not email me okay it is under my name and so is my MSN and Yahoo I can add you so we can do some chatting
This is Hades what you and your Mom is goig thru yes she is going thru things to and I know you know and feel her frustration but in turn w/o help you are getting really upset and frustarted as well
I can understand believe me
You are not being judged at all hun just supported okay
God Bless
lyn
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Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/2/2006 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Snowy ...Once again thanks for your help and support you are one Special Lady
God Bless
Lyn
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         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
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Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/3/2006 8:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Bump
Hope you are well Dogger
Lyn
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         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
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SnowyLynne
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 10/3/2006 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Lyn.Larry had the other knee done in June.Bad thing is he now has no job since they have not contacted him since he took the Dr.release inso he could go back to work.Stuff happens.
SnowyLynne


Dogger
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 10/3/2006 9:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Howlyncat said...
Bump
Hope you are well Dogger
Lyn

I'm well Howlyncat, thanks for asking.  :-)
 
Well, Sis has mom at the Drs right now.  Will be anxious to hear how they made out today.
 
No I don't have POA.  Mom is not ready to give that to anybody.  I'm sure it would be easier if I did. 
 
After a lengthy discussion with my husband, we agree with SnowyLynne that mom does need more than what she's getting now.  I just have to wait and see what comes from this Dr appt this morning before I proceed.
 
Thanks for all your support! 
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/3/2006 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for posting and letting me (us know) how things are .....
Will be waiting for update
Be strong and know you have support here okay
Lyn
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         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
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Howlyncat
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/3/2006 10:05 AM (GMT -6)   
Snowy I knew Larry was supposed to have the other knee done but wasnt sure when .......I hope he is doing okay
Yes always seems that Crap happens to the best doesnt it
Sorry for all you are going thru
thanks so much for your input and help to me on this board I sure appreciate it more than you know
Hoping things get better for you and Larry real soon you both deserve something good happening for a change ya know
Thinking of you
say hello to Larry as well k
luvs ya
Lyn


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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 3/27/2007 1:56:59 PM (GMT-6)


Dogger
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 10/16/2006 1:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Just a quick update.....mom's Dr appt went well.  Had to start her back at square one on the Namenda she quit taking over a month ago because of the house cleaner telling mom that Drs over medicate the elderly.  Mom is confused a lot of the time, but we are helping her through this.
 
I went to see an attorney to send this cleaning woman a legal notice to stay away from mom, since she's doing more harm than good.  I learnt that this cleaning woman was doing much inquiring about moms will, etc too.  So, I nipped it in the bud early enough.  This woman had enough nerve to phone my mother after this legal paper was served on her to harass my mother, but luckily I was there and took the phone.
 
My sister is coming back in this afternoon, to try and help me get mom to sign a POA.  This, the lawyer says is a must after the cleaning woman problem, to protect mom from others. 
 
I did pick up and read that book, "The 36 hour day." and I thank you so much for suggesting it!  Great book!  My sister is now reading it too.  Another book I found useful was, "Learning to Speak Alzheimers," by Robert N. Butler, M.D. 
 
Thanks again for the the support y'all give here.  It's nice to know I have some place to come and learn from. :-)
 
 
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/16/2006 2:20 PM (GMT -6)   
OMG
I am soooo glad you got her outta there and now will no longer be around her
I find that there are many peeps out there that take full advantage of the elderly and she sure sounds like she is and was one
I would also contact the association of caregivers or if she was from a company contact them
If not put a little tidbit in the newspaper to show her tru colors God only knows how many others this has been done to
am real glad that your Mom is going back on meds sounds like she does need them for sure
I wish there was more I could do for you hun but at least you know I am here for you as are others
If you have MSN please add me to it and we can chat more privately okay
Thanks for posting
Been worried and thinking about your Mom and you
Take care and be so well my friend
Lyn
My msn is under my name okay
Luv Lyn


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 **When you Feel Anothers Pain ....You Are Humbled**
 
 
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Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 3/27/2007 1:58:19 PM (GMT-6)


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 10/16/2006 5:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Do remember that she has to sign POA papers in front of a notory plus she may need witnesses.Be prepared.
That's one of the first things I did afer I was diagnosed.
Here I am 9 yrs later still doing as I always have done.............anything I want,lol.
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/17/2006 5:14 AM (GMT -6)   
You are so sweet Snowy ya you are lol
Thanks for all your help with the forum I sure apprecaite it and who knows better than someone with this DD
Say hello to Larry as well please and look after you
Luvs lyn
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Dogger
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 10/24/2006 9:28 AM (GMT -6)   
The saga never ends with this house cleaner I fired.  She called the Elderly Abuse hotline 5 days after she received the paperwork from my attorney!  Naturally, the caseworker had to come out and investigate the claim.  She said the claim was "unfounded" and it would be closed.  How very upsetting and disruptive this was to my mother and my visiting sister. 
 
The problem is, is that mom makes statements for attention to others, like....I don't fill her meds or take her grocery shopping, then....says she never said those things.  In fact she did because my younger sister reamed my older sister about the accusations mom made to her.  (My younger sister is in denial about mom having AD and will not discuss it and is very defensive.  This is the siter that only comes to visit mom for one day out of a year.) 
 
I am getting so tired of trying to do the right thing and still be questioned why I haven't done this or that.  I tell them if they don't like the way I'm handling things, come...take mom and do for her!  Nobody is willing to do this.
 
Can anyone tell me exactly what my obligations are towards my mother...when I can say I don't want this responsibility anymore?  Both sister's made it clear to mom that they can not take her nor care for her, yet I am always the bad guy.  I do from the bottom of my heart for mom and am always upset by these relatives attitudes.
 
My older sister supports me 100% as long as I am the one to take on all the heartache and grief. Be the strong one, as she puts it.  I'm burning out, I told her.
 
I did get mom to sign a POA and it's notorized. 
 
Office of the aging cannot force any services on my mother.  They offered her to visit the senior center to be with folks her own age, but mom refused.  They offered to bring in cleaning help, but mom refused.  What good is the office of the aging if they cannot get involved? 
 
Oh...I guess I'm just very stressed out this week.  Any suggestions are welcomed.  Thanks for letting me vent here. 
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/24/2006 10:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Hun please email me your email I will keep it confidential of course and only if you want to
You have NO set obligations to your momonly if you take the moral issues to heart and if you are poa
Snowy would prolly know a bit more about some of this but as I did say if you want email me your addy ( mine is in under my name and I will get back to you okay
I am so sorry
I knew this was bound to happen we as caregivers have to have "us time" too or we do burn out and so frustrated .........
praying and thinking of you
Lyn
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SnowyLynne
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 11/1/2006 11:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Having POA you can do all legal work & medical decisions in your Mom's care.Someone has to if she can't.Larry helps me but the Dr.will tell him when the time comes to enforce the POA.

Lyn,My new Neuro.& family Dr are in agreement that I most likely have MCI rather than AD at this point.MCI (mild cognitive impairment).
I still have problems when it comes to legal things & with my lack of hearing or rather understanding words it causes me problems.
I guess it could be worse,lol.
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/1/2006 2:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Snowy I am glad to hear that although I wish it were neither but it is better than the AD right
Are you still taking the Aricept or is that what you were on??

Say hello to Larry will ya and let me know how things are
thanks for posting
Lyn
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         Don't Comprimise Yourself :you are all you have    
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SnowyLynne
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Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 11/1/2006 4:12 PM (GMT -6)   
I was on Aricept til it quit working after 4 yrs.I've been on Razadyne the last 4+ yrs.
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 11/2/2006 10:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Snowy and how is that med been better than the arricept i take it ?
So it quit working after 4 yrs ?
If it is not dementai why do they have you on this other med or is that speciafically for other things as well
I hope you dont mind me asking I checked and we dont have the Razadyne in canada yet so was wondering
Take care
Lyn
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SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 11/2/2006 12:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Razadyne used to be Reminyl.
SnowyLynne

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