Greiving....While Still With Us........Normal ........
I know that I have gone thru 2 " suddendeaths" in my life pple that were so close and I loved so deeply that was very difficult to deal with and still is
When you are the one seeing your loved one literally going in front of you eyes maybe on a weekly or shorter time frame it is Hades it really is
I saw mom go from being out in her gardens and going with me for "Just ride Lyn just ride" in the car no destination she just loved the car and being in the outdoors to a woman who hid the fact from dad and all siblings she was sick and wetting self and the as time came on the delusions and the feces soaked pants till I got there or Cait /she only trusted us and was ashamed I know
I got her depends and would take her up and have a wonderful tubby for her waiting where we talked about all
We had so many good /great talks up in the bathroom just her and i and those I cherish
I knew it wasnt gonna last and I also knew the other kids DID not want to ACCEPT the fact the MOm was not perfect now she had problems so they stayed away
Me I stayed with her and I grew as a woman by doing this and as a mother
I knew and found out more about here that I have in my heart and I know why she did the things she did in life why she always depended on me all of it
I made a new memory everyday wheth it was having to cut her pubic hair right close and shave there as well we constantly were laughing that day I had to do that she called me SHAKY,afraid I was gonna snip her ..you know lol.......we could not stop laughing about it for days
I said MOM this is not easy ya know lol but we had a memory a funny albeit out of the ordinary memory BUT one just the same
THen in the flash of a minute she would be staring off to a place I was not privy too I could not get in nor would I ask her about it it was her "Place"
WE started getting all the paper work and all done and she was owed alot of money from family (siblings) and it was all written down and in lucid times she had me take her to the notary and I have also a copy
Then dad started showing small signs and I thought my God WHY
Leaving stove on ligths on just the normal thigs I alwasy was taught to look for when assessing AD peeps
Agitation hit him and I believe he knew about mom completely
Anyways I had watched her go from about 105 lbs( small and small boned lady) to 65 at death this is not because she didnt eat or have the food avilable she wanted to go she having been a Geriatriv Nurse all her Career did not want to be all balled up and in fetal position losing any aspects of communication totally
She was tired of the dirtying self and not remembering putting ON a face not hers ya know
She also knew I would and never did take any renumeration for any of what I nor Cait did NOT RIGHT imho for me
She told me she was tired and for me to take some time that my sister was coming for this weekend I said MOm I still have to come down and do the baths ands stuff ....
I should have known Honest to God I should have known she said no it will be okay I will get Telle or her to do it so that your sores will clear up and you rest for the weekend and so I did but I find out she was sent home by my doc with A toch of pneumonia on the Friday ( no one told me this my doc did ) and was in hospital on Saturday night because my sister with her infinite wisdom DECIDED to pull 40 yr old wall paper and Paint the kitchen with Mom laying on couch
Yes they tell me they had fans and ya da ya da .............
Mom was never to come back home again
I saw her Sunday just before the alrams went off like crazy said I love you mom and God dont dont leave me yet please............She was intubated and the airlifted to a Hospital in London
London Health Science Centre....we were all there this is when I learnt AGAIN from my doc that the paper and painting had been done ....................they knew not to tell me
Later that night sister calls and says mom is okay and resting so for me to rest I told her I had some Major things to talk about with her she justs stayed quiet
I hung up a knawing feeling kept coming and going
I must have finally fell asleep for at 6:05 am on Monday March 20th mom was GONE...........
I was not with her and was not first they called I was last thinking i would flip out
I have more class than that
NOW I am still waiting for her ashes and YES this time I will flip it has been about a yr and there is NO reason they are not here
I have been wallowing in grieif being helped by my HW friends this past yr BUT I know the time is coming
I have dad in Hospital worried he is gonna go thats why I am constantly there I WILL not let him die alone he told me he wants to be with mom........
Broken Hearts are a big Death Cause in the world today
Sorry for ranting I had to get it out
Thanks to those that have read
PLEASE......Make memories cherish every second possible for there will be a time when memories is all you have,I am glad she is out of pain and with her Maker but darn I miss her more each day,Never take for granted what can be taken in a minute
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