Trying to do what's right

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Melanie50
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 3/31/2007 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello.  This is only my 3rd post since we found out my mom has AD.  My two brothers are convinced she belongs in assisted living.  She's not ready to move and I've been supporting her on this all week - even through all the emotional abuse heaped on me by my brothers.  My one brother told me I was "weak as usual" and hung up on me.  I then went over to mom's to fill her pill box and visit and she tells me that she's now convinced she should move.
 
I felt so betrayed after everything she put me through this past week.  I know I should only be concerned about what is best for her, but I really thought I was doing that.  She is still capable of living on her own and now she's moving 20 minutes away and creating additional stress for me because I'm the one who visits her the most and does the most with her.  I know my brothers won't increase their visits and now she'll be farther away from me and calling me and crying that she doesn't want to be there.
 
Somebody please help me.  I can't stop crying over this and feel so lonely and alone.  My husband is very supportive but now I feel like I've lost my mother and she's still alive.
 
Thank you for listening.
 
 
Degenerative Disc Disease, Spinal Stenosis, Herniated Disc, Arthritis of the Spine, some kind of problem with the L5-S1 area, sciatica, diabetes, depression and anxiety.
 
 
Lord help me to remember that nothing will happen to me today that you and I can't handle together.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/1/2007 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry for what you are going thru
Your mom will do that hun she feels lonely I am sure
I suggest you read some of the other threads and it might help
Also please email me its under my name at side

LYN
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Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/2/2007 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   
I have thought about this quite alot since reading yesterday .......
Personally I think you are having way too much responsibility especially when you have other siblings
I went thru this with mom til she passed a yr ago and am going thru it with my (step) dad as well
Dont get me wrong I value and cherish so many wonderful memories my siblings missed out on BUT sometimes I was very ill with crohns and had IV's in and still had to do it all .....they were only there for what they thought they could get money wise and with the Royal Doulten collection as well as expensive antique furniture

I kept Mom at home ( hers) as I only lived a few steps away ( can see the house from here) and I went there numerous times daily attending to her need and now do for Dad as well .......
Never did I have help and I had to retire as an RN due to health reasons so I was basically the "ONE" to do it all
It wore me down in all honesty and I still get that way with dad...
He will not be happy unless he is in his home where he still has a connection with Mom even with this D Disease
I can feel your pain and anguish thru yopur post
If your brothers feel you are being "weak" have them come and do all of what you do for her on a daily basis and if it is possible to have her at home I would suggest you do but also get someone else ( caretaker.....Homecare) to come in and give you some "down time"
I know our Gov in Canada pays for this not sure about other countries though I am sure you could check into this
I dont think your mom wants to go I think she may feel she is a burden to your siblings and that is so unfair for her and you to deal with
Please if you need to talk email me my info is under name at side I would be more than happy to talk with you and help as much as possible

Be well and have no guilt hun you are not in the wrong here at all IMHO

LYN
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 **When you Feel Anothers Pain ....You Are Humbled**
 
 
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Charliecat
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/2/2007 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   

If I've got this right, you have: Degenerative Disc Disease, Spinal Stenosis, Herniated Disc, Arthritis of the Spine, some kind of problem with the L5-S1 area, sciatica, diabetes, depression and anxiety.

And you are your mother's main caretaker? Sounds to me your mother, and you, would be better off if she were in assisted care. Sure, she'll be 20 minutes away, but during your visits you can enjoy each other, you won't be doing all the work. There will be an adjustment period, and yes, she may ask to go home periodically, but if you and the caretakers remind her often enough that this is her new home, she will adjust.

My father has been in assisted care for two years, 500 miles from me (near his wife).  He was there a year before he said one day, "I've visited here long enough and am ready to go home now." When told this was his home now & he'd been there a year, he was astonished, but understood.

We are now in the process of moving him to my town, to a care home that will be 20 minutes away. Seems like next door compared to 500 miles away, where I have been flying down to visit regularly.  His wife is getting frail herself and here my dad will have me & my three grown kids to visit & take him out, and his wife will come for visits periodically. We expect an adjustment period, but am sure it will work out fine.

If you are crying all the time, perhaps you need an adjustment to your depression/anxiety medications.  You have done just great caring for your mom - now is time for the next step - which won't be any easier if you put it off more months or years.  And my guess is you will be pleasantly surprised, if you get a quality care home, your mom will do very well, and you will be less stressed & happier.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/2/2007 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for your input.....
Welcome to Healing Well
Hope to see you post often

LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 **When you Feel Anothers Pain ....You Are Humbled**
 
 
Co Mod... Crohns        
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Melanie50
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 4/2/2007 6:41 PM (GMT -7)   

I've decided to become "Switzerland" in the matter of mom moving to assisted living.  The past two nights my youngest brother has heaped so much emotional abuse on me for something I believe is right for my mom.  My grandparents lived in their home until they died at the ages of 88 and 86 - mom respected their wishes and did what she could to care for them as well as getting some day help to come in.  Her brother lived two hours away and only came to see his parents once a month or six weeks and when he and his wife were there they spent their time socialing with friends that still lived in the area.  I had a wonderful role model for caring for your parents and I wanted to be their for my mom as she was for her parents.  My dad passed away in 1977.

I still believe it's ok for mom to live at home.  My brother is signing the papers tomorrow and then they'll move her in the next two weeks.  As of today my mom doesn't remember that she told them she'd move.  All he!! is going to break up when they show up with the truck.

I've decided to just love my mom and spend quality time with her.  My brother can just go on his merry way like he has been doing - only calling and seeing mom every six weeks or two months.  All my life I've been picking up pieces for some one or another and this will be no different.

Thanks to both of you for your input.  It helps talking to others who have suffered through the same mess.

Melanie


Degenerative Disc Disease, Spinal Stenosis, Herniated Disc, Arthritis of the Spine, some kind of problem with the L5-S1 area, sciatica, diabetes, depression and anxiety.
 
 
Lord help me to remember that nothing will happen to me today that you and I can't handle together.


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 4/3/2007 1:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Who has POA?Power of Attorny?
SnowyLynne


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/3/2007 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Melanie
I am so sorry this has come to what it has
I really do give you so much credit for doing all you have for your Mom
I was the same with mine and now dad
Like you said let them do as they will and yo will still be the main person she see's and makes memeories maybe remind her constantly it was NOTY you decision
I am assuming your brother(s) have POA.....Please do let us know

Take care and stay with us here we can always be your support system ......
LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
 
 **When you Feel Anothers Pain ....You Are Humbled**
 
 
Co Mod... Crohns        
Co Mod..Anxiety /Panic 
Moderator ...Alzheimers
                             
 
                                  
                          
                                  

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