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Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2004
Total Posts : 274
   Posted 9/27/2007 7:49 AM (GMT -6)   
my mother is 89 years old and in a nursing home nearby. about 18 months, she drove from northern nj to connecticut to meet my father (long deceased) down at the nj shore. got her into nursing home near me... i'm unfortunately an only child who had much closer to father. so first dx was dimentia and medium alzheimer's. then she began shuffling, and neuro. dx parkinson's. she continued to get somewhat worse and had both symptoms. now psych. at home nursing dx. lewy bodies. hardest to deal with is her complete confusion about things she should know. she asks about her dead sister even though she went to her funeral in april. also, i have ms and she has knocked me down by opening a car door without looking. she is on various meds and i trust the home to do the best for her. feel like packing up my pets, get in my car and going anywhere! feel like i need nursing care! no real question. just had to vent! linda

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 8616
   Posted 9/27/2007 9:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Linda,

Hugs for you. This is a really bumpy road we travel. Taking care of any ill family member is a big job . . . but when we have a chronic illness to go with it, it is a real balancing act. I normally post on the Lupus Forum, but I lost my Dad in January (Alzheimer's) and I understand your frustration . . . You need to find the right balance of caring for yourself and making sure that you honor your Mom by being there for her on those days when you can.

Bless your heart, of course she is going to ask about her dead sister . . . her brain is not functioning . . . she, no doubt, is aware sometimes of how "off" her brain really is. Dad was often conscious of that . . . he'd cry out "I just want to be a man again!". Sometimes all we can do is go along with whatever world they are in. If she talks about her sister, just join in the conversation . . . it is comforting to her. I tried not to lie to Dad, but I did indulge him in the world he was living in . . . He would tell me almost every visit that his mother died and then he'd begin to cry. This drove my mom batty (and mom is a candidate for sainthood) . . . but I started telling him "I knew your mother . . . she was a great lady . . . you took such good care of her . . . you went to visit her every chance you got" and Dad would open his eyes really wide and say "I did?" and I would tell him "Yes . . you were very good to her". This seemed to bring him great comfort and it was actually all the truth . . . but it was a dance we did most EVERY visit for a couple of years. You just find ways to work around their repetition and their confusion. Now, I could really understand if you don't travel with her because you likely have limited stamina and ability to manage her, physically, outside of the NH . . . but I can guarantee you that you will always be happy, later, for every minute you spend with her. Once they are gone, we can't go back and change things.

I'm so glad you felt safe venting here . . . you have spoken for many people in your frustration and you have the added stress of chronic illness. Its hard enough to balance a normal day without adding the stress of an ill parent. I hope you'll find a good balance of caring for yourself and giving your Mom regular part of your time as well.

Some hot tea for you sis!!


In His Grip

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Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 9/27/2007 7:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Rosie has given you fantastic input I will just let you know that I have you in my thoughts .........

I have lost my Mom and my dad is going as well ...I looked after mom til she passed and will do the sme for dad....

Yes it is a hard situation and frustrating to know end at times .......

I wish you all the best''

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