hello everybody, me again, i am becomming quite the regular. I hope you are all doing ok?
I went to see a doctor today and she said that because i have been on anti depressants for panic disorder for 5 months now, she wants me to start comming off them gradually in 3 months. I AM TERRIFIED. My panic disorder isn't too bad at all now, but my depression can flare up and last for weeks still, my paranoia and OCD is still something TERRIBLE. When i had panic disorder at its worst, i felt sick for about a year, really REALLY heavily nausious and didn't really dare leave my room let alone my house. Now every time i get sick from a cold or flu bug i am so scared i have the anxiety sickness back again. Like at the moment, i have just got over the worst of a cold and have been having some tummy troubles, feeling a bit sick and a bit of a tummy upset, and i have already half convived myself it is the anxiety sickness comming back and things are going to be horrible for me forever. ARGH it makes me want to scream, the circles i talk myself in.
Also, for the first time in a long time things are going well. Things look like they could really take off career wise, this person i have been so in love with since i was like 16 has started taking notice of me. I am so scared of things being ok, incase they go wrong again. Like i feel like i need to be worrying about something. I am still being ridiculous about the "HIV scare" i had a few months ago, when i recieved oral sex, even though this is low risk.
I think really i need to be back in therapy, but i didn't like the therapist i saw last time and he is the only one in my area i can see for free and i can't afford one at the moment. Also my GP changes ALL the time because at the present time i live in a small village so i have to just see who's there, so i am finding it very hard to build trust and say im struggling. I tend to go in there and just smile and say things are fine, when really, they're not.
URGH i don't know what i'm asking, i suppose i just want some advice or reasurance from someone who has been there maybe?
thanks for reading xxx