my problem, older eyes only

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machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 1/20/2008 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
my life has been so wrong for some time, my husband and do not have a physical relationship anymore, and he says why don't i try but he is always watching his computer and does not want to be bothered , there have many excuse on his part why we don't i feel like i am so ugly and i don't feel attractive anymore, i try not to think about it but its tearing me apart. i hurt so much inside, i wonder if we didn't have kids he would be gone, i love him but i feel like i am withering away, and eventually my love will die. he also ignores me most of the time, my choice is to leave but where do i go, i didn't finish college and how now days am i going to take care of three kids. sorry to unload but i have been really depressed over this for years.

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 1/20/2008 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   

Wow. I am very sorry to hear that. But, I said 'wow' because you sound the exact same as my mom. Only my parents ignore each other. They really dislike each other. My mom wants to leave but she has a dilema because she didnt go to college and couldnt get a good enough job to support herself and 3 kids. My mom complains because my dad spends his time in front of the computer. So, I guess she is probably feeling the same way as you on the inside. She has been depressed for a long time. She has always been unhappy. Its been at least 10 years because it started when my little sister was born. I was young then so I cant remember my mom ever being any different than she is now. And I really hate that. She is always in a bad mood because she is unhappy. Honestly, I do wish she would move out, because then my parents wouldnt fight and maybe she oculd be happy again.

I am very sorry that you are unhappy. You are not alone in that. I hope you can figure it out because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated good and not be ignored like that. You deserve better. I really hope things work out for you. Best wishes 


None


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/20/2008 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   

machelle,

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I am woering if you have talked with a therapist about your feelings.  Let's leave your hubby out of this for a minute.  Perhaps we need to help you work on your own self esteem.

Your self-esteem is the way you look at yourself. If you have good self-esteem it means that you like yourself and you believe that you are as 'OK' as everyone else. If you have poor self-esteem it means that you believe that you are not OK, or that you are inferior to others.

People who have poor self-esteem tend to focus on and magnify their perceived shortcomings, and ignore their strengths and achievements. It's like looking into the mirror and seeing a warped picture - a bit like the ones at fun parks that make you look distorted - completely blowing reality out of proportion.

Your self-esteem can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how you deal with challenges and how relaxed and safe you feel in your daily life. In order to be happy you need to like yourself. If you believe that you are not OK, or if you are constantly putting yourself down, you are more likely to feel depressed, anxious or miserable than someone who has a positive view of themselves.

I am getting vibes that this is where you are at right now.  You know there is something wrong but you are assuming it is all you, your not attractive and you are making a plan to even leave. 

Are you wanting to work on feeling better about your self because I believe that we can help you?  You just have to believe in you.

Keep on posting sweetie and let us help. Gentle Hugs.


 
Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/20/2008 1:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Sometimes we dont feel like we are loved
Have you sat down and actually told hubby HOW you feel and what this is doing to you and your self esteem
This is the hardest thing that you may have to do IMHO but if that does not work then I do agree with Kitt a therapist is next on the agenda
YOU cannot go on feeling like a picture on the wall croked and fulll of dust you are human and have needs and LOVE is the greatest need of all as isds acceptance
YOU are not just a maid and I think it is time HE realized that
I am so sorry I have felt this way yrs ago and I finally left in order to find self an my strengths again and I feel whole w/o any man being there but I know I am loved and I do have self esteem
I am positive like Kitt you have to look inside self and find YOU.........
We have come to know you here and we know you are a great person and very supportive of others so please do something to help yourself GET it back ...
Remember we are your support system and we are here for you always
Let us know how you make out
LYN
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 


machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 1/20/2008 3:23 PM (GMT -7)   
i did have self esteem at first but when he started ignoring me and the lack of a physical relationship, it slowly brings you down, i have gotten where i don't care about myself , why should i if doesn't notice me anymore, this is how he makes me feel, i have talked to him so many times, to the point whats the point anymore, i'm just a mess , i can't afford a therapist, i just feel so down, i just don't know what to do.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/21/2008 9:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Machelle,

You are down so let's start helping your back up.  Remember it will take babysteps and you must do the work.  We are here to guide you and we are not professionals............ we are just peers of yours here on this wonderful site.
In order to be happy you need to like yourself. If you believe that you are not OK, or if you are constantly putting yourself down, you are more likely to feel depressed, anxious or miserable than someone who has a positive view of themselves.

Re your relationship with your husband, low self-esteem can influence the way you behave with him as well as with others. For instance, you might find yourself being unassertive (not saying what you  think, feel or want), and doing things you  don't want to do. Or you might find yourself trying too hard to please him as well as others - agreeing with him  and offering to do things for him in order to 'earn' his attention and  respect and his love.

Low self-esteem might also cause you to seek reassurance from your husband and your friends, because deep down, you may not be sure that they like/love you. You might allow others to 'walk all over you' because you believe you have no rights, and that your needs don't matter. Being treated badly by other people can reinforce the belief that you are not good enough, and can lower your self-esteem even more.
Does this sound like where your at right now?  Think about this carefully and then commit yourself to climb up to where you should be, feeling good about you.  (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))


 
Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 1/21/2008 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
yeh it does, i need to start caring more for myself, and making me feel better, its going to hard but i got to do it because i can't go much lower, thinks for being there to listen i don't have many people to talk where i live, its hard for me to make friends sometimes because alot times they just want to use me and not just be a friend, a friendship is give and take, like marriage should be or at least i thought it was.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/21/2008 5:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Ya know I feel like this when I am sick and lonely so what I do is this .
I make self put on make up and do hair and yes sometimes it takes alot out of me BUT I am sure if you were to do this then just maybe your Partner might take notice and wonder just what is going on..........

You are a great person M and you have to give yourself alot of credit .....do something for you '

YOU would be surprised what a lil make up and hair do would make make you feel ...........

Keep us posted hun
We are gonna be here for you

Lyn
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 


machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 1/22/2008 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks your all so sweet, i try that too.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/24/2008 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad you do

keep your chin up
TO us all you are a beautiful and loving warm supportive woman and friend

Luvs
LYN
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 


tiaeight
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 237
   Posted 1/25/2008 2:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Maybe I am selfish but this lifetme is all about me. After my kids. I have one time around. I have the chance to make things happen, be happy or chose not to be happy and let someone else make that choice for me. It's hard sometimes but my children are all good and I'm taking care of me!!!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/25/2008 2:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Tiamarie, your not selfish and I am glad you are a strong person and have a good head on your shoulders to know you are deserving of the good things in life. Big Hugs to you.


 
Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/25/2008 3:00 PM (GMT -7)   

machelle,


Trying new things and moving out of your 'comfort zone' at times is important for growing and developing as a person. Low self-esteem might hold you back from new experiences because you become overly concerned with the possibility of failure or looking stupid. Let go of feeling stupid or failing.  We all look stupid and failing but really in a few hours no one is even going to remember except you, so throw away those feelings and grow.
When your self-esteem is low, it is difficult to feel relaxed and comfortable in day to day situations.

For instance, if you believe that you are not OK you might feel awkward and self-conscious in many situations. You might worry too much about what others think of you, and might be constantly on the lookout for signs that people don't like you. If someone doesn't acknowledge you, you might immediately assume that they don't like you. This is one I do even online.  If some ignores all my posts and I am having a low day, I might think, why don't they like me.......Geez, why do I care?  I like me.  So there you go my friend more for you to work with.

Set those small goals and don't let your feelings about yourself be tied to how others might or might not feel about you............I like you kiddo.  You can do this. Gentle Hugs
Kitt


 
Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/25/2008 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Taking small steps will get you there my friend .they will really ........

Believe in yourself and do for you ......

WE believe in you and know you can fight the fight along with us all here

Take care

LYN

**Tiamaria .....I totally agree you are not selfish .we have to live for us as well .....once our kids are gone and we are alone whats the point of sitting and growing old crocheting all the time
LIVE and be happy
You are very strong .I admire you,your strength and convictions....LYN
Contribute Today ..Click On         
Moderator,Anxiety/Panic, Alzheimers,Co Mod for Crohns                     
 


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/26/2008 5:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Machelle,I know how you feel. I feel like my marriage is going to the dogs too!!! my husband sleeps all the time our physical relationship is decreasing too. Like myself he also suffers from a little depression.My husband just started working night shift 8PM-8AM 2 days on and 2 days off and off every other weekend.I dont know if him sleeping all the time is due to the shift change or if it's so he doesn't have to be bothered with me.I just lost a decent job due to laying out of work due to my anxiety symtoms.And he has been down this road with me before,I have not been able to hold down a job since i started having panic attacks 10 years ago!! I honestly think he is growing tired of me. Also i've gained a significate amount of weight. He says that it doesnt bother him but i believe it does.I've been married for almost 8 years and he was my high school sweatheart.My self-esteem is also at an all time low.But although things dont look good right now for he and i,I still have to remain true to myself and try to build myself back up before i get to far down!! I agree with howlyn cat,dress up,put on makeup do everything you can to feel good about yourself.I do that my self.IT WORKS!!!!

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 1/27/2008 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Machelle,

All great advise you have been given. The only other thought that I can suggest is for you to make some plans to do/get involved with him, ex: go out for dinner, go to the movies or watch a movie together, make plans to go for a walk, even if it is to a mall to just walk around and browse, anything that you can plan and ask him to make plans to do it with you. Then see what he says. Maybe he just needs a push to get started. But instead of waiting on him, make plans for both of you and see what his reaction is.

Just a thought.


~sukay~
Diagnosed Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/27/2008 10:10 AM (GMT -7)   
SUKAY.....A great idea .....and I would think it just might work

I too am just getting back into my relationship with DH ( we broke up over me thinking I was holding him back due to being so sick all the time and he is way younger than I and intimacy was a pain literally ) BUT I love him and so does our daughter ....
I decided with the help of lil sis ( Kitt) to go at it again and this time around we are making many new changes in our lives .........we do go out if only for a short drive .......go shopping and all of it .......he also works 12 hrs on night shift and is still getting up a couple hours prior to having to go back in to work SO we CAN spend time together.....OR I will have a nap in the afternoons and be up when he comes home for an hour or so just to have some time ........
Wknds he works for a few hrs on Saturday and then we ( Cait he and I and her finacee ) take time to have Family time....IT is working out great and I am so glad I listened to my Lil sis ...........and my heart.......

I wish all of you only the best.....you are all strong you have to FIND that strength within and put it out for all to see especially your hubby's or Sig Others........

Keeping you all in my heart thoughts and prayers

Luvs
LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
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