The frustrating thing is that I know why I'm like this and I know I shouldn't be so anxious constantly, but my mindset just won't change no matter how hard I try.
I'm naturally very reserved and quiet. At high school I was bullied relentlessly and more often than not it was over my appearance. I was overweight, always had my hair scraped back, had bad skin and wore glasses. I was also quite academic and even got picked on for that. I'm sure I've shared this on here before, but the worst thing that used to happen was in science class when a group of boys would intentionally say nasty comments and I would blush and then they would get the rest of the class's attention and point out my red face to them. That's typical anxiety isn't it...feeling as though everyone's looking at you and judging you. Well, they were! It was relentless too. Every single lesson I would be sitting there with my head down waiting for the humiliation, as though I somehow deserved it and should expect it.
Another thing, my dad has always had unpredictably horrible, sometimes violent, mood swings. It's always been something that has kept me on edge ever since I was a little girl. I can't help but feel this has just ingrained anxiety into me. I had to be on my guard to survive for many years, could never relax.
My mum died when I was 15, I know that this has definitely not helped. Not only for the obvious reasons, it was a horrible thing to have to go through, but because I lost my role model and was left alone. Again, I had to be on my guard to survive because this made my dad even worse. I look back and wonder how on earth I managed to get through my teens without her.
So this is basically why I'm anxious all the time. I look completely different to how I used to as a school girl and never get any negative comments about the way I look anymore. And yet, I feel impending doom constantly. My boyfriend's lovely, reliable and good looking and yet I've convinced myself that he's only with me as some sick joke or until someone better comes along. I make up reasons for me not to trust him based on things which don't even exist. If he harmlessly chats to a friend who happens to be a girl I'll get the idea into my head that he's talking to her instead of me because she's way more interesting and prettier than me. I absolutely HATE myself for being like this, I really can't stand it. He wouldn't waste his spare time with me if he was secretly lusting after someone else and deep down I know this.
I'm kind of angry too. I let people walk all over me for so many years just because I was a bit 'different' and out of the clique. What annoys me about it is that it's such a teenagery, angsty thing which I feel I should have moved on from by now. I'm 20 years old now and those people are long gone, all doing their own things and living their own lives; they've grown up and probably wouldn't bully anyone now because it's such a childish thing to do. It really does bother me that I'm an adult and yet the things they did as children have had such a negative effect that they make me feel insecure and anxious even now.
It's this anger which is provoking me to ask questions about how I can try and get better. I don't believe I should feel as though I deserve to feel like this all the time. I'm fed up of fearing the unknown in case the unknown hurts me and it's becoming impractical because life continues to shift into various states of uncertainty; you can't live your life by a set of guidelines. From what I've heard on here and other places, cognitive behavioural therapy sounds like it could be a really positive thing for me. I don't know how to ask for help though. How do you take that first step? Plus can anyone here tell me what cognitive behavioural therapy actually involves? If people could post their experiences and the type of exercises you had to do or things you were prompted to talk about then that would be really helpful.
Sorry to drone on about
this, I always feel so self-obsessed after typing so much about
myself, but I must admit to my head feeling a lot less cluttered too. This is the only place where people genuinely understand how it feels.
Post Edited (mynameis) : 1/21/2008 12:31:17 PM (GMT-7)