Am I A FOOL FOR THIS!!!!!

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Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
mad Ok guys here is the big one!!!! I feel like i've been talking to you guys long enough to let it all out!!!!! I have this problem and i dont know what to do? I have been married for going on 8 years now.My husband and i have been together off and on since i was 15 and he 17!! My husband is a former marine.When we first married everything was ok,he knew about my P/A when we got married, but back then it was a little better considering the fact that at least i could take road trips!!!! We had our share of disputes back then about me not being able to hold down a job, and still cant because of my p/a.He also had his struggle trying to get back adapted to the cilvilian world as he was a marine for 5 years!!!!! I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH ALL MY HEART!!!But when i started getting more into my p/a meds our physical relationship went from very fufilling and exciting to nothing, as the meds were taking my libido!!! For some reason i couldnt get him to understand this, he insisted on taking it personal so that caused problems for us! In the midst of all this we went through phases where we struggled finacially.We both have a love for nice things shoes,clothes,cars etc.But with having 1 income most of the time it was sometimes impossible to keep up the lifestyle we so desired! Well about about a year and a half ago my husband started acting different(crying)He was staying out late,coming home from work late etc.as this was disturbing to me of course i questioned it. He would always insist i was somewhere playing on the computer or i was at the mall etc.At the time we didnt have a home pc.Well one night he came home and sprung some unexpected news on me. he siad he had an affair and the person he had the affair with gave him herpes!!! Of course i was devistated and went and got checked out immediately!!! I tested negative!!!!!So i was relieved!!! We had fight after fight about this and still do? I decided to stay with my husband and tough it out,and im still having realtions with him knowing that he has herpes!!! Is this stupid of me? Because everytime i have relatons with him im putting myself at risk and there is no cure for genital herpes!!! He hasnt had any outbreaks since diagnosed and i have not been checked for the virus anymore but am currently not showing any symtoms.Could you guys give me some feed back on what to do??                      ( THANK YOU PANIKE)

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 7:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Everyone i know my previous thread was a very touchy subject but please dont be afraid!! I want everyones honest opinion!! I hope i didnt affend anyone.I just felt since we all are friends here i could open up to you guys.This is something i havent even shared with any of my family because im afraid they will hate my husband.I have been having alot of anxiety about this because i havent been able to talk to anyone about it. When it first happened i even felt sucidal. PLease dont be afraid to give feedback.

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Is your husband willing (or does he already) take a medication like Valtrex to prevent outbreaks? It is your marriage, and only you know your circumstances best and know if it is best to stay or leave. However, I don't think I would give up without a fight...so get some counseling (both of you) since you are still arguing over this. Above all, use protection every time so you don't pay for his mistake.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 8:33 PM (GMT -7)   
No Mochiah he doesnt take anything he was told by a dr that since he has not had any outbreaks he doesnt have to take anything right now.The dr told him if he started having outbreaks he would presrcribe something otherwise if he takes something now it may cause an outbreak.Thats what im afraid of there have been many times already that i have not used protection.And yes we will be starting counceling soon as our insurance is not in effect right now.Does anybody know,CAN YOU DIE FROM HERPES???I have not done alot of research about it,i guess im still in denial!!! But thanks for you help? OH,AND WHAT IS VALTREX???

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 8:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I didn't know you couldn't take it until you had an outbreak. So, how does he know he has it, is there a blood test or something that shows you have antibodies against it?

You have HAD to see all the kyaking and bike riding commercials of "I have genital herpes, and she doesn't" commercials! Anyway, Valtrex is a medication that can be taken only during outbreaks or daily to prevent outbreaks and helps prevent the transmission to the partner.

Death from herpes is almost nonexistent, I think it would have to spread to your brain before there is even a remote chance of that happening which, again, is very rare.

Hey, he's the one who messed around, so he should have no problem with wearing protection to protect your health, IMO. I am sure he feels awful for this, but feeling awful does not prevent the spread of herpes.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes he took a blood test and tested positive for the virus.Yeah come to think about it i have seen the commercials where the people look like having herpes is fun!(lol) But i didnt know that medicine could be used to reduce the risk of passing it on.I think its my fault about the protection thing because i never insist that he uses it or anything! Like i said i guess im still in denial.I guess i dont want to believe the man ive been knowing half my life would do something like that to me.You dont know how happy i am to be talking to someone about this,as i said i dont talk to anyone about it because im too embarrased and ashamed!!! Thanks for easing my mind about the death thing! You are right he did mess up big time!!! I feel like a darn fool for still being here!!! You dont know how much i beat myself up for not leaving!!! But i have been so finacially and emotionally dependant on him i dont where to go or what to do if i do leave!!! (crying)

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you baby t for the info!!!!! I had been wondering where you were today?(SMILE) I appreciate you finding that info for me!!! its been rough you know!! Im sorry to hear about you being raped ive been down that road before too!! Its a real emotional experience.It takes alot out of you.I am so glad i found this sight,its people like you and sue babyt that makes me want to continue to open up and look for answers to questions im normally afraid to talk about!!!!!! Hope to hear back from you soon!!! PS i have seen a doctor once when i tested negative but i will be going back!!!

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Pani-ke, IMO, It is NOT your fault about not insisting on protection because I don't think you should be the one to has to bring it up....dang, he should just do it knowing he is saving you. Sorry, but that just makes me feel like he has no remorse for messing around on you (sorry to say that since it sounds so harsh, like I said, I don't know your entire situation, but that is just how that action comes across to me). Mind you, I am a very independent, strong-minded woman and that just would not cut it with me. I hope you continue to talk about it here because in talking about it you will find more strength. I am sure someone else who actually has herpes will come along with more suggestions or be able to lay out the emotions you will go through. I think you will go through denial, hurt, anger, and then feel stronger and more in control but I don't know in what order that will happen. HE is lucky to have YOU and that you did not leave him....and dang it, he better realize that pretty fast. You did nothing wrong, and he should be worshiping the ground you walk on for even considering staying with him, let alone still having intercourse!!!!!! (there's my independent strong mind again) I also believe that YOU need to believe what I just said too. You and your feelings are worth a whole lot more than to feel like you have been betrayed, I want you to know that. Once you find the strength in yourself, you will know in your mind what is right for you, staying or leaving (and not just because you depend on him financial, EMOTIONALLY you will know what you need to do. I am glad you are both going to get counseling. It will help get to the root of WHY it happened in the first place.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Well sue,you know i agree with everything you just siad and i agree he has shown very little remorse!!! Even when i bring it up he get mad!!! He says if i forgave him i wouldnt keep bringing it up. I disgree,just because i siad i forgave him i am still healing and there is no way i will ever forget!!! Oh yeah and he did tell me his reason for doing it!!! (please Dont Laugh!) because i personally think its BS!!!!!! he siad he did it because he was having finacial problems from me not working and one of our vehicles was breaking down(his car)he works about 45 minutes away from home so i do agree he needed his car.So he siad the woman had been wanting to be with him and offered to pay to fix his car(450.00) if he had relations with her. Like i said i dont believe that and when he told me my exact words were,"not only did you cheat on me,now your insulting my intelligence!" Because dont get me wrong,he is a nice looking,clean cut man but judging from my perspective there are plenty of nice looking men that will have relations with you for free!!!(lol) You know what i mean!!!

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hahaha, well, if I'm preaching my mind too loudly, just let me know....I in no way mean to offend.

I found my strength after I was cheated on, and after that I swore I would never be financially dependent on a man again, and haven't been for 22 years now. HeHeHe, in times when my hubby and I are arguing I like to tell him "I want you to know that you are here not because I need you, but because I want you, and buddy you're pushin' it today!!!" It is a very liberating feeling, but I know the situation it isn't for everyone. I have to admit, sometimes it backfires. Example just 2 weeks ago, "honey, the sink is clogged." His response, "You don't need me, so I am sure you can handle it." But you know what, it pushes me to prove it all over again and I'll be darned if I didn't unclog that sink myself!!
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys so much for helping me,im starting to feel better already!!!!! I love you guys too!!! REALLY!!!!! For so long i faulted my self!!! You guys are right he is the stupid one!!! Not me!!! I have never cheated on my husband and had never even thought about it i knew we had our share of problems but i never thought this would be one of them!!! Maybe i was nieve but i never thought my husband would hurt me this way!!!!

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys so much for helping me,im starting to feel better already!!!!! I love you guys too!!! REALLY!!!!! For so long i faulted my self!!! You guys are right he is the stupid one!!! Not me!!! I have never cheated on my husband and had never even thought about it i knew we had our share of problems but i never thought this would be one of them!!! Maybe i was nieve but i never thought my husband would hurt me this way!!!!

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh.....so he not only cheated, he resorted to pimping himself out! Oh, Panike, I hope you see humor in this, I believe you do.

He's wrong, forgiving and forgetting are different things. By not bringing it up you would be letting him know it is okay to treat you like a door mat. So, you don't work, does that somehow make you less of a person or someone without feelings to be hurt?! Don't think so. When you get into counseling I think the counselor can better explain to him that you are justified in your response, even if you want to give a different response tomorrow and then a different one the next day. You are going to work through this in your own way and he has to deal with that.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
BabyT, perfectly said, the trust was broken and he needs to earn it back, not rub her face in the fact that she brings it up.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 10:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree babyt he does need to get his head out of his you know what!!!!!! But as i said before he is more stupid than he look if he think i believe his reasoning!!!! SUE i wish i could be in a positon to say that,right now i dont even have a job and totally depending on him to pay my car payment and everything!!!! Due to panic/anxiety its hard for me to hold down a job so i dont know what to do???Maybe something will pan out for me.Ive been looking to god for some answers!!!

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 10:04 PM (GMT -7)   
I seen a link, I think over at the chronic pain forum, where they are talking about disability and someone posted a link showing the diseases and conditions that are readily accepted for disability (including the mental health ones). For some reason I think it was posted by Twiggy, if that helps to find it.
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/28/2008 10:06 PM (GMT -7)   
You guys are so cool!!!! I love yall! and i will keep you guys posted on my decesion.And yes babyt i do see some humor in it as sick as it sounds!!! Sometimes i have to laugh to keep from crying!!

Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 10:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad you can laugh about it sometimes, you don't want to deal with all of it at once. It is too much to handle all at once. Laugh a time about it, cry a time or two about it and process a little more, then laugh again. We're here for you each step of the way.

I do have to confess that when I say that to my husband about not needing him but wanting him, I say it in a joking manner...I don't want to bruise his ego, but my point still gets across. It usually does put an end to whatever we are arguing about tho because we aren't so serious any more.

Edited to add:  So, is the car fixed now, or is he on a payment plan??  hehe


Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Mochiah
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 450
   Posted 1/28/2008 10:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Pani-ke, I found that link for disability.

http://www.ssa.gov/disability/professionals/bluebook/11.00-Neurological-Adult.htm
Mochiah/a.k.a. Sue
cervical fusion 2006, with great result
L4-5 surgery with cages, plates, and screws in 2005, I have continued pain 
MEDS:  Fentanyl patch, Norco, Celexa, trazodone, and Parafon Forte
 
To handle yourself, use your head...to handle others, use your heart
 
I'm going to smile like nothing is wrong, act like everything is perfect, and pretend its not hurting me.


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/29/2008 6:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hay sue!!!! yes he did get the car fixed!!! you know what he may be on a payment plan as he is always broke and he makes $23.70 an hour!!!! He is an electrican!!! Yeah and i know what you mean i both laugh and cry about it.I cry when i think about what he did!! Then i laugh when i think about the reasoning he gave,because if it is true, he basically ruined our lives for$450.00!!!! He could have gotten a pay day loan for that!!!!(lol really hard) thanks for the info on the disability i will definitely look into it!!!

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/29/2008 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
To answer your question babyt i do like some country music,but no ive never heard of those people!(smile)Back in the day i use to love kenny rogers! i like leane rhimes and lenny kravitz! I also like all of the judd sisters! Thank you again for every thing baby!!

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/29/2008 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hay BabyT !!! Yes you can get me the lyrics!!! I love all kinds of music.How is your day going darling!!! Mines have been so-so.I had a job interview and also went to that disability link that sue told me about and applied for disability!!! The reason i went on the job interview was just to see what it was all about,it sounds interesting(customer service) but im really not sure if iam stable enough to hold down a job considering all the other ones i have had either ive quit due to my panic disorder or was terminated due to laying out from mental illness! I may just need to get the disability if i am approved!!!! I really love working but sometimes my mental stability holds me back!! Boy i wish i could just be normal what ever that is!!!(lol) Talk to you later apple dumpling! (lol)

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/29/2008 3:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh man babyt i like those lyrics! I wish i could hear the instrumental with it! I wrote down the names i think im going to go buy both of them!! Do they have good beats as well?? I am glad you were able to eat something! Are you going to try to eat more later?? I mean you know at your own pace and all!!! BabyT you seem like a very fun person!!! I bet you and i could be great friends!!! (lol)

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 1/29/2008 3:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes i went to the interview early this morning! It went well,the lady said she would give me a call in a couple of days!! She seemed a little snooty though!!!I feel like were already good friends!!! I feel like ive been knowing you all my life! I know that sounds stupid(lol)! But im the type of person i dont meet any strangers anyway! I talk to everyone like ive been knowing them all my life!!! Sometimes i can be in the store with my mom and i'll start talking with someone and she'll say do you know him/her and i'll say no!!! She'll say darn i thought you had been knowing them!!(lol)

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/29/2008 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I would like to add that I do not believe you are at fault for any of this
YOUR hubby broke a sacred trust when he cheated on you .......that is something that takes time and plenty of loving forgiveness to get over IMHO....it is not something you can just pass over and forget .I know I could not ........

Valtrex is a great med to have him take to make sure that somewhere down the line you do not get the herpes as well..and it would be a kicker to him to have to take the meds daily as a reminder of how he blew off his wife and ended up with this in the end ........Just my opinion.......I think you are one special Lady .........I hope you know this as well

He cannot treat you like a doormat as was said ....Find your strengths and let him know HOW much he has hurt you and WHY ........

I must say you do sound like great friends already and I honestly believe you are good for one another.......
Again I have seen so much love and support in this thread too .....this is fantastic .........
Take care and be well

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 

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