He broke my heart again!!!!!!!

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Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 2/3/2008 10:40 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  Good morning everyone!!! I hope all is well! For me all is rotten! I just got a phone call from one of my aunts in nashville,she called to tell me my father just relapsed and is back on drugs!! People whom have had a family member that has had a drug addiction probably know how i feel right now.Well here is the story.My dad has been abusing drugs every since i was a little girl i would say at least 20 years.He has been on every drug imaginable and has consumed it every way imaginable. Smoking,shooting up you name it! All my life he has been in and out fo my life,he and my mom split when i was about 5 years old.He has never been what i consider to be a real father to me. I mean i knew him, but have never gotten the chance to really bond with him or have a real relationship with him.I am 32 years old and he also has another daughter who lives in nashville who is 6 years old.She was conceived somewhere in the midst of his on and off again addiction.I have met her but i have not spent much time with her.He seen her a couple of times when she was a baby at one of his moments when he was clean,but got back out there on the streets and hadn't saw her since.Well recently he decided he was going to try sobering up again.He contacted one of my aunts about 7 months ago and told her he was tired of the life he was living and wanted to get himself together!! He asked her to take him to a treatment center located in knoxville.Of course she was thrilled to hear that as that is her brother and she was more than happy to take him! Well he got in the treatment center and started reaching out to everyone in the family including me and was doing much better.Although we were all skeptical about whether or not he was going to really do it this time because we've been down this road with him so many times,we still embraced him!! Before he went to the treatment center he had injured one of his arms so while in treatment he was getting physical therapy and it was determined that he would never have full use of the arm again.So being that he is a veteran,he started getting disability checks that he will now be receiving for the rest of his life.about a thousand dollars a month.He was so thrilled about that because he knew once he got out of treatment he could find him a place to live and actually have some kind of income coming in.while he was in treatment we really bonded!!He called me just about everyday to let me know how he was feeling!! He finally started talking like the father i once knew and also seemed really motivated and determined to stay on track!He also kept in touch with his other daughter and she was happy because she had gotten to that age where she was starting to ask questions about who her daddy was because she seen other kids with their daddys and wondered why she didnt have one.He gained alot of weight and seemed to have his clarity back.So he decided to check out of the clinic being that he had been clean for 6 months and felt like he could go the rest of the way by himself.I thought this was a bad idea and expressed to him how i felt!! But he left anyway,and went to stay with one of his sisters in Nashville.While he was there he went to see his other daughter and she was thrilled to finally put a face to the person she had been talking to for the last so many months and finally got the chance to meet her father!!! He bought her alot of clothes and various things and talked to her and i regularly!!! He even wired me money through western union, i was thrilled! Not about the money but because i couldnt remember the last time he had done anything for me!! But anyway all this was short lived and now he is back out there!! He called my aunt after disappearing for about two days and told her he had went to a bar with a freind and gotten wasted and the next thing you know they were out looking for drugs and got stoned! He has been out there for about 2 weeks now they didnt want to tell me but finally decided to do so this morning! I am devistated i finally thought i was going to get a chance to really get to know my father after all this time and now everything is screwed up!!Someone please give me somefeed back as this has got my anxiety running high!!! I feel really bad and sick!I am also worried about the affect this will have on my sister!!! I dont want her to grow up feeling like she is not good enough like i did and looking for approval from every man she meets like i did trying to feel that void of not having a dad!!!! Someone please help!!!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/3/2008 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Panike,
First off, a gentle hug and please know he did not break your heart on purpose. He is sick. He is an addict.

One of the most difficult situations is trying to help a family member with addiction.  The life of someone we love is going right down the toilet unless something is done.  Since our addicted loved one isn't doing anything, we naturally feel the need to bail them out.  This is a recipe for disaster with most addicts.

Your Dad told all he wanted to get better and he may have in that moment.  It isn't that your Dad wants to deceive you or let you down in any way.  It's that the drug has become who he is.  He feels the drug is essential to survival, so, when forced to make a choice between his loved ones or his drug, like most addicts he chose the drug. 
When he voluntarily quit and checked himself into a program, you had hope. He was not able to make it outside the controlled environment.  Sometimes, when you're trying to save someone they pull you under. Be careful, you have a life of your own.
Practicing a principle called detachment  is  something everyone must consider doing with an addicted loved one. It is not easy. Those of us who are the loved ones may find  the only solution is to love the addicts but turn them over to God's care.

At first glance, detachment seems heartless but  ultimately it's the most loving, healthy, and hopeful step you can take for yourself and for your Father.
 
Detaching may seem like giving up, but the only thing you  give up when you  break away from being controlled by your Father's addiction   is the illusion of your being in control. You cannot save a drug addict that does not want to be saved.  A 20 year habit is a very long time.
 
The one you can save is yourself. I think, perhaps, you need to begin to detach emotionally from your Father.

My heart goes out to you as I do understand your situation and the loss of a dream of what you hoped your relationship would be.

Please take care of you and let out your feelings.  Know you did nothing wrong. Bless you
Kitt

 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 2/3/2008 3:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much kitt!! I do understand what you are saying thats the same advice my mom gave me this morning and i guess i have no other choice but to detach myself from him. Like you said it seems cruel but if he doesnt want to be saved,like you basically said no one can save him.It's just that everyone in the family was rooting for him because he really made it sound like he was going to do it this time!!! This time just somehow seemed different,but i guess not. So what if he decides he wants to try being clean again,do i just try to not get so emotionally attached in case he relaps again???

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/3/2008 4:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Yes, you take care of you.  If he tries again don't set your heart on it.  He needs to do this and even then he may not be able to maintain so knowing his problems don't hand over your heart without knowing the risk you take.  He of course deserves support for trying but also he cannot be counted on to make you happy.  Only you can do that.

I know you will be ok.
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 2/3/2008 5:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Kitt and BabyT.I'm sorry about your dad too BabyT.You know i just dont undertstand how these guys get these women pregnant and leave them and act like they have no regards for the child they left behind or the mother who is left to take care of the child alone.I always wonder what if the moms decided that they wanted to ditch the child too like alot of guys do we would have alot of parentless children.But the moms dont feel like they have that option to walk away,they feel like they have a obligation to their children whether they were ready to be a mom or not! And i think more men should feel that way because that is the right way to feel because that child did not asked to be here and whether if your'e ready to be a parent or not they are here now and it's your job to take care of them! Alot of people say it's very important for boys to have their dads because they need a male role model but i think it's equally as important for girls to have their dads too! Because I dont know about you BabyT, but not having my dad in my life is the reason why i believe most relationships i have had with men have been disfunctional and why when i have a man in my life i am so needy towards them and feel like im not good enough.I believe thats the little girl in me that never had a dad looking for acceptance from males because i never felt like he accepted me. If that make since?BabyT let me know if you have felt the same way growing up without a dad.And once again Kitt, thank-you and i will take that advice because i am tired of being hurt by him!!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/3/2008 5:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together.
That is what we are, snowflakes................ yeah
Kitt


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 2/3/2008 7:17 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi panicke,

I'm a bit too scared too say what I should, maybe I should just end this post now but I won't.  I will NEVER defend what your father has done it is (large amounts of bad words) but his disease is a disease.  He didn't choose to hurt you the way he has. (again I am not, in any way, condoning his behaviour) he is and forever will be afflicted by this disease.  It is not and never will be your fault sweetie.  It's not you, it's him.  Take it from an addict.  Try not to hate his failures...at least he tries..but as aptly put, don't buy it... xxxxx


I alone can do this, but I cannot do it alone. 
 
NervyMeg


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 2/4/2008 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry for all your pain and your sisters as well
I am a sober Alcoholic and have been since 79

I have to keep telling Cait ( daughter) that her bio dad was addicted and it is a DISEASE,his was alcoholism and sadly she lost him at a young age 9 yrs old ..He lost out on a beautiful and very intelligent young lady because of this DD and he too went to TX centres and so many times I bought into it but I never lived with him after I finally got smart and strong enough and MY confidence back

Everyone has given you great input up above .........I DO NOT condone what he has and is doing either......I know the pain it can cause firsthand........Again I am so bleeding sorry........God Bless

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 2/4/2008 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   
I just want to thank everyone for sharing their personal stories and for your advice.I do realize that his alcholism and drug addiction is a disease and i know he isn't trying to hurt me directly when he relaps,but at the same time i guess i think that i and my sister both should be an important enough incenitive for him to want to get on track and stay on track.Like you said about your daughter HCat,i think my little sister is a very sweet,pretty,smart little girl and i would hate to see her have to be scarred the same way i was and have to live with the questions in her head that i did like why doesn't my daddy love me enough to give up drugs and alcohol,or what can i do to make him love me and want to be a part of my life.Those are just some of the many questions that i then and now have going through my head.You guys wouldn't beleive how much his absense has affected my life because at one time i looked up to him and felt like i was just like him as we do so many things alike and we look alot a like.It's hard to accept that someone you love so much is just throwing their life away.He is already in poor health and has bounced back many times from this, physically and emotionally.He is 51 years old and his body is not what it use to be especially due to all the abuse,i'm just afraid that this time may be the last time and i'm going to get the call one day that he is no longer with us.Because there is only so much that the human body can take! I don't understand why he dont see this!

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 2/4/2008 11:23 AM (GMT -7)   
PS I have decided that i'm going to take the advice that everyone has given me and just live my life and try to forget about this all together,i mean i still love him but i already have alot on my plate as it is and i can't keep fighting this battle as it looks like i'm losing! He will always be on my mind and i will always pray for him but like Kitt said i have to detach myself from him! I'm tired of trying to love someone who doesnt accept my love and who doesn't love himself!

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 2/4/2008 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you BabyT you are so sweet! Love ya!!!

nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 2/5/2008 6:04 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm so glad you are putting yourself first on this one..you deserve it!!! Show your sister how to live like the strong, wonderful and proud person you are.  Bless you and stay strong, beacuse you deserve it

((happy hugs))


I alone can do this, but I cannot do it alone. 
 
NervyMeg


katy_33
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 147
   Posted 2/5/2008 11:12 PM (GMT -7)   
May GOD give you strength and happiness.
hugz
Katy
Happiness is not the absence of problems; but the ability to deal with them." Jack Brown

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