firstly i want to say sorry for not replying to previous posts. I really appriciate all the wonderful encouragement i got, i just can't seem to concentrate on things or pull myself together, but i really do want to express love and so much thanks for all your help.
I'm comming back with just more moaning i'm afraid. I'm so desperate for help, i feel like i really can't turn anywhere at all. I saw my doctor and told her i was really really struggling, that my moods have been all over the place and my mind is really dark. She said she wanted me to go back to therapy which i agreed to, but here in the UK unless you can afford otherwise, you have to wait on a waiting list to see a therapist, and its only limited when you do get to see one. So the therapist called me about 2 weeks later and said he would see me, but said there is a massive waiting list. I start a new job in a few weeks and don't know my new time table, so he said he couldn't book me until i knew it, and said it could be up to 2 months before i could see him for a 30min meeting. URGHHH.
I feel like i can't go back to my doctor and waste her time, because what can she do for me now? I feel completely stuck.
I think really i could benefit from seeing a psychologist (i can't spell) - the question was raised about the possibilty of bipolar due to all my behaviour over the past few years (i'm now 20) but my doctor said she didn't think the mania was "manic" enough, which i agree with. However i have read a lot about borderline personality disorder and it seems to fit like a glove. My moods can throw from amazing to horrible at the flick of a switch - someone says the wrong thing and i feel like i hate them and can't trust them. One minuet i think i'm talented and feel attractive, the next at the smallest thing i actually hate myself and want to die, and think of ways i could do it. I constantly worry about God, i don't dare pray infront of mirrors incase it gets turned around in the reflection and evil things happen. I come on to everybody and hate myself for it, im not even attracted to them but i just feel so horribly alone all the time. i don't know what i'm doing most the time. I can't even get help from my friends at the moment even though they are really great about my condition. My best friend gets really scared about self harm and she saw the blood all over my bed sheets, so i think she has been scared off a bit.
sorry this is so long, i just really don't know what to do. I feel like i am frantically running in the dark towards a big drop and it could happen at any moment.