(((Panike)))..and some venting

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TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/2/2008 2:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Pan, I havent heard from you in a while and so I am worried about you. Baby is worried about you also. If you could please contact both of us.
 
I need to vent some also. It seems I am not doing well at all. I have been going through a huge problem that I ahvent yet shared on here. And I am not sure if I really want to now.  
 
I love you guys here so much. You all do so much for each other and you have done so much for me. That means the world to me. I have made it through some very difficult times because I knew I could come here and get some support.
 
 
It hit me really hard last night. I feel like my HW family is falling apart.... I think we are going through something really hard together. Its been a little crazy on here lately and it scares me because I feel like I am losing my family. I dont want to lose you guys. I am not sure how far I would make it if I didnt have you all to help me.
 
Right now you all do not know a huge secret I have been keeping for so long from everyone. I opened up to Baby and she understood. She and I are great friends and we are helping each other through everything. I wish I felt like I could open up to you all about my secret, but I feel like I can't.
 
I...I just wish we felt like a family again... Maybe its just me who feels this way, but I think most people would agree that a lot has happened here and to me, I feel like things are spiraling out of control. I am trying so hard... I kind of feel like I have been left. Alone.
 And I'm scared of things right now. I just realized something huge about my life the other day and its very hard to deal with it...  
 
I love you guys so much. You all mean so much to me and I am so grateful for all the help and support I have gotten here. Thanks so much.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 3/4/2008 9:31:02 AM (GMT-7)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/2/2008 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Tennis
YOU have NOT lost your family here you never will
Please know this

I know EVERYTHING will work out in the end okay so plz just stay with us and know we are here for you ..........

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/2/2008 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear TeNNiS
I am so sorry you are confused right now and please know you have been with us since July of 07 and I do not believe we have ever let you down but supported you with love and caring.

Your family has always been right here for you.  We are still here and so is Panike.  Believe in yourself and what you feel.

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 3/2/2008 5:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Tennis i posted something a few minutes ago on this thread for you and i came here to see if you posted back and now everything i posted is gone! I guess i'll have to retype what i was telling you.Anyway,Tennis don't feel like you are alone because you still have me! The reason i hadn't been posting alot is because i've been working and i had a busy week last week.Believe me i haven't forgot about you or Baby and i still love you guys more than ever! You mentioned something about a secret,Tennis you know you can tell me anything.I would never share your secrets with anyone! And you already know i would never judge you.Never have and never will! I hope it isnt anything really bad! I mean something that is really effecting you! You can tell me about it later.I agree with you about not feeling the same here at HW,i've been feeling the same way.I dont feel like i get the support i used to get here.I also feel like some of the members no longer like me.That's just my personal opinion.Not trying to be rude or anything,that's just how i feel! I hate to hear you haven't been feeling too good,personally i haven't been either! There is not anything in particular going on with me 'i've just been feeling a little down! I'm sure you know how that is?Is there anything i can do to hlep you feel better Tennis,if so let me know.You know i'm here for you anytime you need me.You and Baby.Speaking of Baby tell her i love her and i miss her! Also tell her i have a new computer and i still haven't learned how to send e-mails! lol I know that's ashame but i really dont know anything about computers,i've never tried to learn! But as soon as i learn how i will e-mail both of you! Oh yeah and Tennis i never met Maddi? Who is she? What's wrong with her? Is she ok? Tennis never feel like you are alone,as long as i'm in this world you are never alone! When i told you and Baby i loved you guys, i meant it! And i always will! I will still be posting here everytime i get a chance! I'm not ever going to leave you Tennis!

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/2/2008 6:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks you guys.

Pan, I agree, I do feel a lack of something here now. Everyone seems to have gotten quiet or something. It does make me feel like some people dont like me or someone else, not sure. Thats just what I am feeling also. I feel bad vibes or something....

Pan, Baby said that she loves you very much and she misses you also. I will let her know what you said about the email. I hope everything is going well with your new job! I'm sure your awesome!

I know I can tell you anything, I believe I posted my "secret" in 2 other forums so here goes.
I always thought it was something I did so I was ashamed and I NEVER told anyone. And never would have if it werent for Baby. But, she made me realize it wasnt my fault. So, I am working on it. I am trying to accept it. And that was the third time I have actually said THE word!!! I havent been able to say "rape" so... Its really hard, but I am dealing with it. Baby is helping me out BIG time! I love her so much!

Thanks so much for everything! I love you also! 3 Musketeers! Together through everything!

Post edited per Administration's rule one.  Please review before posting and remember we have members as young as 13 on the site.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 3/6/2008 10:09:03 AM (GMT-7)


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 3/2/2008 6:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Tennis I'm so sorry to hear that you were raped,but i am glad that you had the courage to come forth with it! Of course you know i've been date raped before and it is a very traumatic experience.I wasnt doing alot of screaming and fighting either but i did try to push him off me several times.But when ever you tell anyone NO! and they try to do it anyway that's rape even if you dont fight really hard!!! The reason i didn't fight really hard was because he was so much bigger than me and i was afraid if i fought he would hurt me or maybe even kill me! So i figured if i just let him do it and get it over with the sooner he would be done and the sooner i could go home! I have found talking about it helps tremendously! I use to not talk about it but it seemed like the more i held it in the more it effected me.NOw the more i share it with people the more i see that it was not my fault and the better i feel about it! Because like you, at first i thought it was my fault too.I kept saying maybe if i wasnt dressed the way i was or maybe if i hadn't been so flirty with him! But none of that matters,if i said NO,he was not suppose to do it anyway regardless of the way i was dressed or anything else! Now i realize it was his fault i was just the victim! So Tennis dont ever feel like it is your fault when someone hurts you! It took alot of courage to come forth with that and i admire you for being brave enough to share that with me! Tennis i am so proud of you! You are becoming more and more brave everyday and you finally have a voice! Keep making progress! I feel so bad about Baby's friend!!! Your emotions can make you do some crazy things! Especially when you're depressed and anxious, it can get so overwhelming at times! I hope her and her baby make it through ok!

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/2/2008 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
It hits me so hard everytime I hear that word. When I read your post and it starts out "sorry to hear that you were raped"... it makes it seem more real. I mean, its just hard to hear and say no matter what. Baby told me that had happened to you. I am glad you are able to talk about it also. I never told anyone about it. Ever. It was a huge part of my life too. I mean it went on for a long time... its hard for me to think about because I have tried so hard to get rid of it and now I am talking about every little detail. I re-lived it and told Baby exactly what happened as it went along, everything that I could remember. It was so hard to experience it again and remember. Its just a very hard thing to talk about....

I am trying my best. I just figured it didnt matter anymore. I am so tired of holding everything in. Its stupid. Why not just go ahead and tell everyone everything, it doesnt even matter. I guess it wasnt my fault and its the past so...its not like I can change it. Besides, after that happened, thats what made me realize that I wanted to focus on my future. I started doing better in school and everything because I wanted to be a better person. I felt like a bad person because of everything I did. So, now I almost feel fake. I feel like I have done so much to change myself that I am pretending or something....so Im lost as to who I am...

I am doing some real thinking. Its making me feel really sick and depressed and everything, but I have to do it.... I just have to figure things out. I just want my life back....

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 3/2/2008 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
(((((Tennis))))) Please see my post with your name on it in depression.
Forum Moderator 
We will find a way, or make one.-Hannibal (crossing the Alps in the 15th Century on war elephants) 
Make sure your suffering has meaning...

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 3/2/2008 7:46:46 PM (GMT-7)


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 3/2/2008 7:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Tennis i agree the word is hard to say!!! But it is what it is! I totally agree with you about it being better to share things with people other than hold it in,but at the same time be careful what you share and who you share it with because everyone that say they are your friend aren't! I use to be very open with people after i came out of my shyness and a few times it came back to bite me because i was open with the wrong people sometimes! Like i said i am truely your friend and i would never do anything or say anything to hurt you because i have developed a bond with you and i really love you,but some people just want to find out things about you so they can talk about you! So it's ok to vent but be careful who you vent to! I so agree with you about trying to change yourself so much that you forget who you are! I went through that for a long time because i spent alot of time trying to be who i thought people wanted me to be and in the midst of it i forgot who i really was! So i had to spend alot of time trying to find myself again! I finally did but it was hard! That's normal for someone your age! You are probably still trying to find yourself but you will eventually! The more you grow mentally the more you will discover about yourself! And one day you will look up and you will have a true idendity!(spelled wrong!) Your'e not fake,your'e just trying to find yourself and that's normal! But what ever you do don't try to be what other people want you to be! Be the person that feeels right to you! You are a wonderful person and i would hate for you to allow anyone to change you!

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/2/2008 7:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Umm... (((MMMNAVY))) :/ Hmm...you lost me.

Pan, you kind of scare me when you say I should watch who I open up to... That makes me think alot. But, I figure opening up on here isnt going to matter much... No one on here knows me in real life or whatever so.. and if anyone wants to talk about me thats fine, I enjoy being the center of attention! lol

Its hard with the normal school stuff and in a few months I am going to be a senior. I will be filling stuff out for college and everything ya know. That scares me because I have no idea what to do... School gives me structure, I dont know what to do when its over. I have always wanted to be a doctor, up until a couple weeks ago. I dont feel like I could handle the stress of getting there. Although, I totally have the potential and brains to be a great surgeon!! But, I want to stay in my home town. I am thinking I want to be a teacher, but I cant be sure. Whatever I do with my life, I want to be helping others and making a difference.

Im struggling so much. I am trying to be me, but I cant be me until people know what I am going through. It makes me feel alone around people. I dont care if people talk about me or arent my friend, that just means they are missing out on alot!! I just want ot be me, whoever that is! And you already know a secret as to who I am...if you know what I am talking about.... we talked about it in chat...but since I just told you my other secret, think about it. Think about how that affects my other feelings of who I am. I really hope you know what I am talking about. I cant say it on here.... But, I told you I struggled with my "personal" feelings and now I struggle even more because I cant figure out if it is just who I am or if the rape thing plays a role.

I know that hard to understand. But, if you would like you can email me and I will explain sinc eI cant say it on here. Thanks! Love ya!

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/2/2008 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh ok...sorry.

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


LoStAnDfOuNd
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 34
   Posted 3/2/2008 7:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Tennis, we have never talked but I wanted to tell you that you are very brave. I was drugged and raped when I was a teenager and you being able to even talk about it proves that you are very brave. You are not fake, like panike said you are young and still trying to find yourself, while trying to cope with something very traumatic. I pray that God continues to give you more and more strength everyday.

TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/2/2008 8:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks. It seems you are also brave as you told me about you. Its a touchy subject, but we will all get through it. Its the past, which we cant change. (that I dont like...if only i could change it!) Thank you for your words. It means alot to me.

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


badfish
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 3/3/2008 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I havn't been member here long, but u guys (or shud i say girls since every1 here is female) have helped me alot. You have shown me Im not alone in my fight against anxiety and its nice knowing therare ppl out ther who actualy undastand. Im genuinely amazed at the care and compassion shown by members here esp kitt, pan and lyn who always seem to be ther weneva you need them no matter wht ther going thru. I only wish I cud be more helpful and more compassionate bt its hard giving advice wen I only been dealing wiv this mysef for 9months now. I feel realy bad for Baby T like evry1 else, I jus hope tht given time evrything wil work out for her. Ive already said this but im appalled tht ther are apparently so many guys out ther willing to rape ppl, pls try not think of all men like tht. I kno I wud neva rape ne1. Neways dnt wana write along post jus want to say thanks to every1 who posts coz u keep me slightly sane and get me thru the hard times. In 2wks I get internet at home so I can post alot more and start som little threads. Take it easy evry1 hugs and kisses all round.
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/3/2008 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Badfish,

thank you so much for your words of wisdom.  Anyone who has anxiety learns very quickly how awful it feels to deal with these feelings and you come here and trust us.  That show me how much you want to learn to take control of this disorder and you are doing well.

You are family here and we stand behind our family.  I am glad to have you here my friend.
Hug
Kitt



 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 

Post Edited (stkitt) : 3/5/2008 9:30:49 PM (GMT-7)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/3/2008 8:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Badfish
Thanks so much
YOU do help out by being here and you are a great supporter as well
We want you to continue to be so I will be happy when you finally get your internet and ya can post away to your hearts content...Luvs...LYN

Panike
I have missed you how are ya doing
Luvs...LYN
How is the job hun
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/3/2008 8:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt, I know you werent trying to offend me in any way, however I felt like your post was more about something else. You kept talking about forgiveness for things that have happened, but what I cant understand is, what has happened? Its like you guys are hiding something or taking about something that the rest of us dont know about. I just have a strange feeling that things are taking place behind the rest of our backs... I am not sure, of course. I am just saying thats the vibe I am picking up... sorry if I offend anyone, I am not meaning to, I just have a weird feeling.... Im sorry. I am almost feel like I have done something wrong and you guys are trying, nicely, to tell me to move on away from it or something. I am kind of lost on what is happening, as I am sure most others who arent in on it are too.... Its just what I am feeling...thats what I am picking up from some of the posts... Maybe someone could explain for me??

I appreciate everyones kind words. They mean alot to me. Thanks!

"Healing is an energy phenomenon. Hope is another word for Healing.
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/3/2008 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Sweetie you have done nothing wrong
Know we do support and care about you ........LUVS...Lyn
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 


badfish
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 3/3/2008 10:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Tennis, somtimes I dnt wht ppl are talking bout too, i think it coz alot of times things are said in the chat rooms or via private email and then discussed on the forum no-one going deliberatly behind your bck, and ever think your not welcome coz it cdn't be further from the truth.

If you wana kno somthing funny i jus caught my boss watching ****
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/3/2008 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   

I have deleted my message and I would like to take this opportunity to remind all that this is a support forum.  I am here to support the people that join this forum, all of them.

Members have problems,  issues and questions about anxiety and panic.  That is what I am addressing.  I do not  chat and therefore I do not know what is said. No one is  hiding anything.

Moderators are not professionals and if we make an error I was  simply saying I am sorry and never meant to offend anyone.

Everyone is welcome who wants to belong. I welcome all to HealingWell.com.

Respectfully

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 3/4/2008 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Tennis we haven't talked in a while.My new job is going good. I'm catching on really well and i really like it.I haven't been posting in about a day or so because i'm still trying to get use to my work schedule. I hope you have been doing good!   Anyway i know what you mean about school giving you structure.That's how i feel about working.Although on some occassions my P/A have kept me from working like i want to,when i'm not working i feel useless and like i have no structure in my life.It seems like working helps with my P/A.
 
 It's good to hear that you like school,because education is very important! I think the medical field is a good field and it would be great if you could be a DR.You say you think it may be too stressful,but who knows how you will feel by then.You may would have learned to deal with your stress better by then. Oh,and about being you,if it helps to tell people you have an anxiety problem in order to be yourself then tell them.It's not like it's something bad or something to be ashamed of.I used to be secretive about it too but i found that it was alot easier to tell people about it.Especially people who were significant in my life or people who i had to be around alot.
 
.I hope you log on tonite because i really wont to talk to you before i have to go to bed later!
_______________________________________________________________
Post edited for content, again please take private conversations to IM, chat room or email.  The subject matter you continue to discuss is a closed topic.
11. No cryptic posts.  Using cryptic messages to "skirt" the rules is not permitted.
 
I Thank you in advance for complying with the rules and guideline of HW.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 3/4/2008 7:03:15 PM (GMT-7)


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 3/4/2008 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Panike, please put your email address in your profile so the rules are not violated.
__________________________________________________
15. Do not post personal contact info.
Modify your member profile in the Control Panel (VIEW IMAGE) at the top left corner of the forum to set privacy settings for your account. This is to protect your security and identity.
Or else email tennis with your online name in the subject line

Post Edited By Moderator (MMMNAVY) : 3/4/2008 10:25:16 PM (GMT-7)


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 3/5/2008 8:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi TeNNiS: I just read your post and your feelings about our Healing Well family. From what you said and from what I have read in the Depression forum I can honestly understand why you feel that our family is changing and/or breaking up. There does appear to be a lot of silence. ...I however, have interpreted this slightly differently. As you can tell, I have been a member here for many years now. However, I have not been a big poster during this timeframe. .I'm just the quiet type and really don't feel comfortable speaking up a lot. I feel that many of you have a gift of knowing just the right thing to say whether its for advice or for understanding. Somehow, I always manage to flub it up.

But anyway, I am definately sensing the silence too. But I don't feel that it is about people not caring about each other or being willing to help each other. Right now, speaking for only myself, I feel a deep sense of shock, betrayal and loss. We have always been here for each other, regardless of how well we knew each other from our anonymous postings, and we all try so hard to be non-judgemental. I believe that this is trust and faith at its fullest, so naturally everyone must be reacting or dealing with this in different ways. Thus, the silence - everyone is still digesting all of this. My advice is to give this time. Just like relationships we have with other people in everyday lives, we are still human and we each deal with losses and grieve in our own ways. I firmly believe that once the sense of shock wears off we will once again settle, begin to fully trust again and move forward even stronger than before. As with any type of loss, sharing and grieving with others can be so beneficial in helping us recognize and deal with our grief and then move forward.

But as a last note, perhaps even to the moderators themselves, I think as I said before, they have always done an excellent job here. They share and give time with their hearts and souls. I know they want the very best for all of us. I do feel that even though everyone has the best of intentions for us....And again, I have the utmost respect for each and every moderator.

Hang with us Tennis. I think you are a very mature and brave individual. Because of your strength to speak out and share your problems and experiences with us, you will be so much more aware of yourself and have less soul searching to do as you grow beyond your teenage years. We still care and will always be here for you. Please keep your faith in us and plan to stay with us.

Cass
________________________________________________________________________
Cass, very well said and it is taken under advisement, and if any questions (especially about my edit) please email ME at the address on my profile. That goes for anyone else too if you have questions please send them in a private email. :-)

Post Edited By Moderator (MMMNAVY) : 3/6/2008 9:12:34 AM (GMT-7)


badfish
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 3/6/2008 2:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I jus want to say wiv everything Casandralee said, its exactly y i been quiet lst few days stil been reading the threads tho.

Kudos to every1 I know things wil eventually settle bck to normal

Ant
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/6/2008 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
You are so right badish and we do need you here ya know

Luvs
LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
    www.healingwell.com Donate today to keep HW helping others
 
                     
 

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