Wrestling with some tough stuff right now

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Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 3/6/2008 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
The past few days have been so tough for me as in our family we have had some major upsets.  To fully understand the situation, you have to know that my family is very fractured, there are 8 of us kids total I'm the youngest.  I speak frequently to my oldest sister who is 20 years older than me, but don't speak at all to the next three oldest, their choice to not have any contact with anyone in the family.  The next three family members I speak to very rarely.  It isn't my choice to not speak to anyone, it's kind of just the way it is with my family.  My mother is awful and has treated all of us very abusively, we all have our scars and I guess that separating is just everyone's way of dealing.  I've always hated it, felt very abandoned by everyone and have dealt with it extensively in therapy.
 
Anyway, with that said, last week one of my sisters (one that I talk to rarely) had her house broken into, while they were at work, and they were robbed.  My mother called to tell me and I immediately called my sister to tell her how sorry I was that that had happened and that if she needed anything or wanted to talk I was here.  She was really nice about it, which I have to say surprised me, she even told my mom that she was surprised that I called and thought it was so sweet of me.  It's really been bothering me on several levels, one it scares the life out of me that it will happen to us...this isn't a new fear, just seems more real since it happened to them.  The other thing is that I've heard from my mother that my sister is afraid to be home alone and doesn't go home after work until her husband is there and when she was home sick yesterday made her husband stay home with her.  I want to reach out to her, but have been rejected so many times that I'm afraid to again...any thoughts?
 
Second thing that happened is worse, and I'm having much more of a struggle with it.  On Saturday my oldest sister called for our usual weekend chat, she was crying and very upset.  She told me that another one of my sisters, one who pretty much left the family 30 years ago, is dying of cancer.  It's bad and she was told that if she makes it through the summer she will be lucky.  Knowing this has been awful!  First of all I feel horrible for her as I would for anyone with cancer.  Again, I want to reach out, but have not talked to her since age 11, don't know her at all, and my oldest sister says she does not want to hear from anyone in the family, and I don't want to upset her or give her anything more to deal with at this point.  It's really hurting me that my family is so broken and this just brings that home.  I know that right now I have to remember that this is not about me, not about how I feel, and I need to respect her wishes, it's just hard when I can't be there for her...even though we've never spoken as adults, she is still my sister and I still care. 
 
I'm not posting here looking for sympathy, if anything please send up a prayer for my sisters.  I guess maybe I just need someone elses perspective or just needed to put this out there and vent a bit.  Any thoughts would be appreciated! 

CaryF
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 3/6/2008 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Junebug,
 
Allow me to express my deepest sympathy for your situation. I can not pretend to even begin to feel what you must be going through. I admire your strength for sharing. 
 
I know that reaching out may be a very difficult and scary thing for you - but I try to choose to live by the golden rule that kindness rules.
 
If you can gather the strength to be a loving sister despite the past, I'd try to offer a kind word and support were I in your shoes. Both your sisters need you and you may even get something wonderful back in return.
 
Best,
Cary     

Tootiebug58
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 378
   Posted 3/6/2008 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Junebug
My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you. I know reaching out is difficult. Before my parents passed, my two brothers and I were estranged. They passed within 12 mos of each other, and I was their caregiver for 3 years. It was very difficult and my anxiety was sky high all the time. After the funerals, I reached out to my brothers,
despite my anxiety, and thru talking and remembering our childhood, we are now
very close, we spend every holiday together, and we talk on the phone at least once a week. It made me a stronger person, and they are aware of my anxiety.
IF you can get past this and reach out, you could make the difference in your sisters lives and also yours. Saying prayers for you and your family. Try to
remember.........the only thing we need to fear is fear itself. You can overcome.
Sending you hugs
Tootie
-------------------------------------------
anxiety/panic attacks...osteoporosis....Fibro
celexa, xanax


badfish
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 3/6/2008 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Junebug my heart goes out to you too, I kno wht its like to be repeatedly rejected we u try and reach out to ppl but you hav to forgive and attempt to put past issues aside. Family is family and I think you all need each other. I agree wiv Cary kindness rules.

Regards

Ant
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 3/6/2008 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Junebug,

Maybe you could send your sick sister a notecard or something to let her know that you are thinking of her, who knows maybe this will change her mind about not wanting to have family involved. And if she doesn't respond, send her another one once in a while. I think she will feel better just knowing you care. You could even put your phone number in there just in case she does want to talk. I know that this is hard, my family broke up too because of my mother. I lost one sister to cancer and the other one to lupus. I still pray for them every night. I know that they now know that it wasn't me but our mother.

Good luck to you,
hugs, Karen
PS My mother's name was June and they called her junebug when she was little. That is what drew me to your post.
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/6/2008 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Junebug,

I am so sorry your family is torn apart and it seems to go back years.  I of course will pray for your sister.  You mentioned your Mother caused much of the dissent in your family and from what I sense she is still in the middle telling each of you what the other said.  Perhaps it is time to bypass Mom and talk directly to your sisters. 

It may be just Mom they want to avoid and would jump at the chance to mend fences and get to know you as an adult.

For your sister with the Cancer, I would send her a card and ask if it would be alright for you to visit her and that you will surely repect her wishes.  That of course is if you feel you want to reach out to her.

Gentle hugs sweet lady.  One foot in front of the other will get you there.
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
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Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 3/8/2008 8:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your support and kind words. 
 
So, I sent an e-mail to my sister who was robbed last week, just said that I was thinking about her, wondering how she was doing and offered my support again.  I only have her work e-mail and found out that she was home sick from work both Thursday and Friday, so haven't heard back from her yet.
 
With my sister with Cancer, Liz.   I asked my oldest sister (who I am very close to and who is the only one in the family who has contact with Liz) if she would ask Liz the next time she talked to her if if would be allright if I contacted her.  My sister asked and the reply Liz gave was "absolutely not".  So, I asked my oldest sister to please relay one more message to Liz, to tell her that I think about and pray for her every day and that I love her.  My oldest sister again relayed this message and Liz replied "fine".  So, I feel I've done what I could, and now must close the door on this.  I'm feeling okay about it, of course wishing that it would have turned out differently, but I will respect her wishes and also allow myself to let go now. 
 
Kitt, I know you are away right now, hopefully having a wonderful time, but I wanted to respond to what you said as well.  Yes, my mother is definitely the cause of many of the problems between all of us, it seems that she not only instigates trouble, but promotes it as well.  I've learned over the years to not trust what she says and ususally get the info from her and go to the source for the facts, if possible.  In fact, when she told me about my sister who had been robbed, I asked mom what the number was at my sisters work, and mom, being mom, hemmed and hawed and gave me the wrong number.  When I called her back to tell her it was the wrong number, she insisted it was right...I tried it again and it was still wrong.  Then she called me to ask if I'd gotten a hold of her and when I told her that the number was not right and that I was going online to look it up, she all of a sudden came up with the right number...hmmmm interesting.  So we are all aware and very wary of our Mother.  I think it is a fear of hers that all of us will come together and exchange horror stories and all figure out what an evil person she really is...hate to break it to her, but we already know!
 
Thank you all again for the support it did help me to find the courage to reach out and although it didn't turn out exactly as I would have liked, I do have peace in knowing I made an attempt and that means alot.

Panike
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 3/8/2008 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
JuneBug,your story is very interesting and it makes me think about my mom and her sister but i will get to that in a minute! Anyway i hate that when you tried to reach out to your sister with cancer she rejected you.It seems like knowing that she doesn't have much time left here would soften her heart! Me personally i would not want to be on my death bed knowing that i left things the way they were! If i never wanted anyone around before i would definitely want you all around now just to make peace with you all before i passed. But you know what they say,some people remain stubborn to the very end! Literally! I think you are right when you said you did your part by trying to reach out to her,you cant make a person do what they dont want to do.At least when she does pass you will be able to say with a clear concious at least you tried, which would be more than she could say! As for your mom i am shocked that she seems to thrive off the fact that you and your sisters are distant! I'm sorry, but she should be ashamed of her self! I agree with what you said about her not wanting you all to come together because it may turn you all against her even more! I hate to say this but instead of you all being against each other,you all need to be against her! I mean dont stop loving her or supporting her in her time of need because she is still your mother but just keep some distance from her instead of each other! That is a tough situation and i commend you for trying to be the bigger person despite of.Maybe as your sister gets closer to her death she will have a change of heart because it would do both of you some good to bring peace to this situation before she passes on! Anyway i was saying that this situation reminds me of my my mom and her sister but it's a long story i'll share it with you another time.In the mean time take care and know that you did the right thing now it's her turn!

marthamae
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 3/8/2008 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
I have a mother exactly like yours. My father left me at age one and I never knew him. My mother thrives on stirring up trouble between other people, especially family members. She always carries made-up tales to everyone and constantly tells everyone that "so and so said this about YOU!" My mother was horribly abusive to us as children and now she is a drug addict and alcoholic. I am now 48 years old and have a loving husband and 3 teenagers. My mother has been married five times and two of her husbands abused me physically while she stood by and watched. I can't even describe my childhood because no one would believe me--you'd all think I was a nutcase and a liar. The last man she married, however, was a prince and was a good grandfather to my children and a good friend to me. He took care of my mother. My husband and I took care of both him and my mother when he took ill and died of pulmonary fibrosis six years ago.

After his death, my mother continued her drugging and drinking. My husband flew her out of state to a treatment center and she cleaned up. She relapsed and the battle was on again. about three years ago, my then 11 year old was over at my mother's apartment. He came home and was upset. I asked him what was wrong. (Normally my mother was pretty good around my kids so I let her see them.) My son told me that my mother told him "it was too bad he had such a terrible mother (me)". It made him feel awful. My son is not the sensitive type at all, so I know my mother was really laying one on him.

My husband and I had a talk and we met with my therapist. All of us agreed after some discussion that it was the end of the road for our relationship with my mother. I had lived with her hell for some 44 years and it was time to move on. My husband called her and told her not to contact us any more. She cried for a while and begged and pleaded, but after about a month she went away and started wrecking havoc in other people's lives. I still get the occasional call from some stranger who has become involved with her and wants me to "do something" about her because I am her daughter. I am probably going to hell for saying this, but it will be a relief when she passes on.

Thanks to anyone who reads this mess, it was a relief to type it out. Best wishes to the original poster. Mothers can be the worst.....

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/9/2008 11:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Junebug.......My thoughts and prayers go out to your sisters and to you
I will keep you all in my thoughts heart and prayers............This is very close to home for me at this time so i dont know if i could give you the proper input.....I hope you do understand.....KNOW I support any / all decisions you do make
.Luvs
LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
         Mod for Alzheimer's, Anxiety and Panic and Co Mod for Crohns
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