STRANGE DREAMS

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Pressing
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/21/2008 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I have been going to a counselor for the first time in my life to deal with childhood sexual abuse. I can remember everything up to the point where it was actually happening, then its as if I blacked out.
My cousnselor says now that I am talking about it these memories may begin to pop up anywhere at anytime, even in dreams.
 
When I was a teenager, I went through extreme turmoil. It started off as anxiety, then lead to being a hypocondriac, then to panic attacks, then to agoraphobia, I did not even want to leave my house. If I ventured out to a friends I would have there mom bring me home because I felt like something was going to happen. My parents told me I was just being rediculous and never took me to see anyone. So I lived it out alone. I would see my friends and siblings walk to the local pool and want to go so bad, so I would start to walk with them, then turn around, cause I couldn't do it. 
 
After making it a few more steps each day, I finally made it. And I learned to have the greatest time. It took doing this with everything, cause no one else would help me. It took me about a year and then I became quite confident. Could go all over. I just learned to talk myself out of the panic. Told myself its silly, its all in my head, I'm going to be fine etc...Somehow it worked. But I must say when I was in it...it was the scariest and most real thing in the world to me.
 
Anyways, I say all that to say. Now that I have just started talking to a counselor about the abuse I have been feeling more on edge, and anxious. Not to the panic point yet, but sometimes I feel it start and begin to talk myself out ot it, knowing I am really ok and if worse comes to worse, I pass out and my body does its thing and brings me back too. All I can say is thank God my body doesn't count on me for breathing and heart pumping. It does it all on its own.
 
Since I saw my counselor again this past Tuesday and shared one of my abuse incidents. I began waking up at night, which I hardly ever do. I hardley ever even remember a dream. Tuesday night it I woke up 4-5 times not from dreaming but was all tense, then the past two nights I  had the strangest dreams that woke me up,  again I was all tense and had the biggest headache. 
 
Hs anyone else expereinced this before? The dreams were not terrible abuse dreams, but they were dreams of intrusion so to speak but not sexual.
 
Pressing 
 
 
 
 

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/21/2008 3:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Pressing,
I am so sorry, hun, that you are going through this. It could be your memory trying to let out what it has blocked for years.  I am not a mental health professional and I am wondering what your counselor has to say about the dreams in relationship to the work you are doing on your past?

Please take care of you and I am so proud of you for the hard work you are doing.  Gnetle Hugs to you.
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/21/2008 4:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I like Kitt am very happy you are seeeking help with this all .I am so sorry you have and are dealing with these problems
I too have bad nightmares about my experience as a young girl and having been abused ........

I wish you all the best Pressing .

Please keep us posted

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
 
   
 
                   
 


Pressing
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/21/2008 9:08 PM (GMT -7)   
This is all new to me. I have been seeing my counselor for about a month and a half now and I finally got to the point of sharing with her something I had journaled, at her suggestion, since I was having a hard time sharing things. Anyways, it was so weird, when I was writing it down at home, I was ok, but when I began to read it to her in the session, I began to get shaking and nauseous, when I was describing the part where my abuser began to start to do something frightening to me, of course the memory ends at that point, so I don't know exactly what he did to me.

She had me relax and kind of changed the subject so I was not to overwhelmed. She says I am very good at dissociating, cutting off my feelings, I guess. I typicaly began to cry, then just shut down, space out, whatever, I have yet to ball in the session. I don't even know why. I just can't seem to get it out. I don't even realize that I am doing what she is saying, maybe its just that that was the way I coped for so many years, that I don't think of it.

She told me that since I am sharing things, I may start having flashbacks and to call her if I ever feel overwhelmed. She also told me to write down any dreams that I am having. So I do that when I wake from them. I keep my flashlight and journal near my bed. So far I have been able to go right back to sleep after, its just weird having strange dreams now, when I haven't dreamt much in a long time. I guess she knows what she is doing because she forwarned me. But they are not flashbacks at this point just weird intrusions.

I am pretty frightened about having the flashbacks which is probably why I shut down. I don't really want to relive any of it. But I do want to deal with it and get over it, so I guess I have to let myself be somewhat vulnerable, something I have not done for a long time. It can be very frsutrating. Almost feel as if I am going to lose control. I don't ever want to go back to the anxiety level I use to be at, it was all to scary. This is probably why I am so hesitant in the sessions.

Thanks you both for your kind words

Pressing

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/22/2008 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Pressing
My same reasons for shutting down and shutting ppl out .........is what she is saying to you and what you believe as well

I think it is for me at least a flight response so I dont have to deal with all of it at once....NOR let ppl see I am VULNERABLE........

As said keep posting and you do have our support

Hoping you are doign okay today

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
 
   
 
                   
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 3/22/2008 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Pressing,

Wow!!  While reading your post, it was like reading about me - everything was so very similar to what I am dealing with.  I am so sorry that you have had to go through those awful things - I too know how you feel.  It's amazing to me just how good we become at shutting down so that we don't have to feel that pain again. 

I am glad to hear that you are in counseling to help you get through this - it's not an easy thing to do.  Many years ago I went through counseling about the abuse, but I only went so far because there was so much that I don't remember and didn't want to delve into those awful hidden memories.  I still don't remember a lot and don't want to.  I hope you follow all the recommendations your counselor gives you and hope you are able to resolve that part of your life so that you can put it behind you and move on to a much happier life.  But remember, this is not an easy or quick process - it will take a lot of time to get through this.  When feeling overwhelmed remember to call your counselor so that you can get through that moment.  Please keep posting to let us know how things are going; we will support you in any way possible.

Take care,

Wen


Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

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Pressing
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/22/2008 4:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I am feeling a little better today thanks, yesterday was a really rough day. I have no idea why.
Maybe my depression was kicking in strong, I decided not to take meds because I am a fulltime nursing student and did not want to deal with any side effects that would come my way. I am just roughing it out at this point.

I feel like I just want to get this all out and be done with it. My childhood was pretty much wasted because of all the crap I went through, then I get away and waste half my life keeping this secret wrapped tight in my little brain. I only wish I had dealt with it all sooner. Yeah, I like it to be over tomorrow so I could really get on with my life.

I am pretty bad at being vulnerable in real life. I have always been the one who people would come to for advice. Everyone would say how amazed they were at my strength and how very little bothers me. What they don't know is inside I get torn up, that I really am not strong, its all a show so to speak, because I don't want people to know the real me. They have no idea what my life existed off, I have not shared that with any of my friends at this point.

Now, with all this starting, I feel this weakness coming over me and it scares me. I know I have to let go, but I am afraid of who I will become so to speak. I am afraid to feel all these feelings. That makes me somewhat anxious. I am so afraid of having a panic attack during the session so I pretty much shut myself down before I get to that point.

Wen,
I understand you having a hard time following through, believe me sometimes I want to run and not deal with it. I don't know what the end result will be and thats tough for me because I always like everything to be planned out, change is not my thing. Like you, I am afraid to have some of these memories surface. I believe one of the abusers was my step-dad and he is still married to my mom, so that would change alot. I don't even know how I would deal with it, my siblings and mom would not believe it and probably shut me out. I do know one of the abusers, I just can't recall everything he did cause I dissociated in order to not deal with the pain at the time.

Thank you all for taking the time to share with me, I really appreciate it.
Pressing

nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 3/22/2008 5:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Pressing, sweetie, you are being so brave.  Counselling for sexual abuse is really hard and brings up so many unexpected emotions.  You are doing incredibly well and the dreams are a normal way of your body dealing with all that repression and the fears you had to push down as a child.  I'm so sorry you had to through that, but trust me, you are, sadly, in good company with sexual abuse victims here.
 
Keep up the counselling, stay brave and trust that your wonderfully autonomous functioning body will see you through to the end!!...many, many hugs wonderful woman xx 
I alone can do this, but I cannot do it alone. 
 
NervyMeg


Pressing
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/22/2008 7:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Nervymeg,

I have no idea what I am getting into. Its crazy, when I leave the session, It takes a few days till I get back to normal so to speak. Then I have another appointment, the nerves start all over again. I like going and being able to talk about things but some are too hard or too confusing to talk about, which is why my nerves go into overdrive.

I realize its just going to take time. I just hope it doesn't get so painful that I back out of it.
I am thankful that you are all here for me to chat with. I know there are times when I am really going to need it.

Pressing
Depression, PTSD
 
"Courage is not the absence of fear, its the ability to look fear in the eyes"
"I have depression, depression doesn't have me"


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 3/23/2008 12:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Pressing, sweetie, we will always be here to support you and I am so glad I can help.  You can always email me (the little mail icon) if you need to talk about anything, anytime.  This is a really tough thing you are going through and of course it's going to get better with time...it really does.
 
Just keep being brave, remember that you are a survivor and that you are growing stronger emotionally every day that you battle this.  You showed amazing tenacity as a child and I have no doubt that this same personal strength will get you through this difficult time.  Many big hugs my courageous friend xx 
I alone can do this, but I cannot do it alone. 
 
NervyMeg


Pressing
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/24/2008 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for your support.

I had no idea how talking about these things were going to affect me
I have to keep telling myself its going to get better. As of now things have only gotten worse or maybe my emotions at this point have something to do with that, now that I am actually letting them out some.

Pressing
Depression, PTSD
 
"Courage is not the absence of fear, its the ability to look fear in the eyes"
"I have depression, depression doesn't have me"


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/24/2008 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I am sure I just read alot of myself in your post hun and I want you to know it so does get better when you open up and star to let ppl in .....it truly does
Ypu are not weak you acyually are all th stronger for being able to talk and eal with all of his...yes you may feel vulnerable BUT remember you are not

I too was the one that ALL came to and I would put on the " face"
YOU know the one
"I am okay so let me help you meanwhile I am dying inside to let ppl know I was NOT okay"
"Let me help its not like I DONT have enough of my own to deal with "

I was their strength, their tower, their ability to listen and be told all and HELP them ( family ) deal with everything PLUS would never say no to anything they asked ....even while being sick and looking after Mom and Dad at the time ...

I have finally learnt how to say NO and I do not feel guilty..I did at first but hey I have to look out for me and my daughter..........

** I honestly have got to say and really strss the fact that I learnt alot from the ppl and friends here at HW and this forum being able to do alot of what I ahve in my life ya know
I know that without HW I would have been a lost soul...........TOTALLY and without a doubt ..Kitt.......Megs and Wen are special ppl in my lfe here............there are so many hard to list them all but I know that when you emabrace HW and us as your "family" you will become more comfy and stronger
WE are here to support you

Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing'
Luvs

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
 
   
 
                   
 


Pressing
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/24/2008 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
So funny,

I had kind off snapped on someone in church the other day for the first time.
This is a women who is pretty emotional at that, she came up to me and said you look so refreshed and vibrant. I don't know what came over me but I snapped back and said " I am far from refreshed at this point in my life" she looked at me in awe, then of course I felt a little bad about snapping and had to make up for it by saying perhaps its because I straightened my hair today or that I am a little more dressed up than usual. She didn't say anything after that, but the look on her face when I snapped at her said it all.

If you knew the type of person I am, you'd know that is so far from me. Like I said my emotions are a little on edge lately.

Yes, I was always the one who gave advice and helped others. Someone needs notes in school, who do they come too, me, my notes are always neat and organized and I never miss class, have a great GPA, which after this semester is falling because of slacking some due to my depression. Thats another bummer in itself.

I know they come to me because I never let my emotions show , I come across as so even toned but like you said, inside I get torn up. Would love for someone to be strong for me for once, but its my fault, I never let them see that, except for my mom who always makes me feel like crap when I show that side, so I avoid it.

I have done everything on my own for years. Moved out of my parents home at 19 and have been on my own since. Never asked for anyone's help, actually would refuse it if offered. I just had to do things on my own. If I wanted to do something, I'd do it, traveled all over, in the states and abroad, bought my first house in my twenties, never married as of yet, cause who needed anyone else right. I was living in denial, I just didn't want people to know the real me. I couldn't be vunlerable because thats how I was hurt in the first place, so I had to protect myself and thats how I did it by building up walls to keep people out.

With everything that I am dealing with now, I am beginning to realize I need the help of others, but its hard at times to acknowlegde that. Objectively, I know its all part of the processes, subjectively I just don't quite get it yet.

I really enjoy being able to chat with and hear your responses. It is so much easier to let these things out in this format, knowing many of you have been through similar situations. I just have to learn to let some of these walls down along the way to let others in, its so not easy.

Thanks again
Pressing
Depression, PTSD
 
"Courage is not the absence of fear, its the ability to look fear in the eyes"
"I have depression, depression doesn't have me"

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