Have had a couple of bad days

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wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/2/2008 5:41 AM (GMT -7)   
OY!!  I hate these anxious, self-pitying days.  But I have such a hard time getting out of them when they strike me!  I've had a lot going in the last few months and just feel sorry for myself.  I know this isn't the way to be and isn't very strong of me to be like this, but when it hits I just don't know how to get out of it.  It's almost like it has to pass on it's own. 
 
I feel lots of guilt and feel like a huge burden to my very understanding family.  Although I am now receiving Social Security Disability, I still feel like I'm not actively contributing financially as I'm not working.  After about 4 months of not working, my husband finally found a job that has him working nights.  He wanted to work nights so that he could be here during the day in case something happens to me as well as being able to take me to my doctor appointments.  I feel so guilty for having put him in this position, he would be working days like most people if it wasn't for me.  If I had been able to keep it together and not have a total mental breakdown he would be able to live a normal life and so would my kids. 
 
Because of the agoraphobia, I don't visit any family any more, if we want to see anyone they have to come here because I just can't handle going to someone's house.  I keep telling my husband to go visit the family so the kids can see their grandparents and I'll be fine here at home.  But so far, he hasn't done it.  Although the families understand what's going on with me, I still feel guilty for not visiting.  I do email and call them but it isn't the same.  My family should be able to live a normal life.
 
My oldest child is 22 and he such a great kid - he doesn't push me in any way to go to his apartment to visit.  When we want to get together he just comes over here, no questions asked.  He's sensitive and although he doesn't fully understand what I'm dealing with, he tries to help however he can.
 
There have been so many times that I wish all of this would go away so that I could live my life as it used to be.  Although it wasn't perfect, it was better than this.  I still have two teenagers to finish raising and I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job any more.  This is a critical time for my daughter who is 13 and needs her mom.  I talk to her almost every day about what's going on in her life (school, friends, etc) but I still don't think I'm doing very well at it.
 
My other son is 15 and I still have to watch him for any problems.  We went through several years of pur h**l with him - acting out, suicidal, running away, several psych admissions, and the last straw was when he set a fire in my house (no damage, thankfully).  At that point I really had no choice but to press charges against him and he wasn't quite 12 at the time.  During all of this he was in therapy and on meds, but to no avail.  When we finally got to court, he was removed from our home and spent the next two years in a treatment facility for boys.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have to press charges against one of my children, take him to court and admit him to a psych hospital several times.  This is not something a parent ever imagines having to do and I still carry a lot of guilt about it all; I feel as though I failed as a parent.  But in the long run, it was the best thing I could have done for him he has been home for about a year and a half now and has done pretty well. 
 
It was almost a full year that he was home when I finally broke down.  The timing seemed odd to me and I made the comment to my PCP that I should have broken down during all of the turmoil.  She quickly corrected me by saying that I HAD to keep it together during all of that and now that he was home and things were going okay, was I finally able to let my guard down a little.  That's when I broke down and had myself admitted to the hospital. 
 
I'm still in therapy and on meds and probably will be for quite awhile, but I wish it didn't have to be this way.  I just feel guilty for everything.  This post is much longer than I had intended; I just wanted to vent a little bit - but it's more than a little bit.  Thanks for taking the time to read and letting me ramble for awhile.
 
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/2/2008 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Wen,
I read your post and I think perhaps we are twins this week.  I feel the very same way,  I am so tired of the ups and downs and feeling like I cannot get off the merry-go-round.

I have been in tears since Sunday and my poor hubby is about on his last nerve.  He cannot understand why your ok and then boom your in trouble again.  confused

I am so very tired of going to the clinic and the bills are huge.  The medications of course are not the ones covered by the insurance.  I just want to be happy and not have this feeling of doom always shawdowing me.

You are not having a pity party, you are having a hard time right now so please don't beat yourself up.  The sun will be out again soon and meanwhile keep posting your feelings and let us support you.

Many hugs sweetie, it will be ok, we are fighters and we can keep moving forward.  Just stopped at a red light right now but it will soon turn green.

Luvs ya

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


nyliz
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 167
   Posted 4/2/2008 6:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Wen,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through!!! I work in probation and see these types of situations ALL THE TIME... and it saddens me. There is no reason for blame and guilt when a situation like this happens with a child because many times all that does is make the situation worse. You love your child and that's why you took the steps you did to keep him safe and have him in an environment where he would receive the most help. Anyone would struggle with this type of stress and I completely agree with your PCP that your mind has a way of holding it together in order to weather the storm but once things settle you can crumble a bit.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!! And your children will be stronger more sensitive individuals who will see that their Mama is a strong lady and that their Dad is a loving man. That's my interpretation. You have one life and regardless of the struggles it is a beautiful life!!! Sending peacdeful thoughts your way!!!

Liz

wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/2/2008 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt and Liz,
 
Thank you both for your kind words; it's just been hard and when I start thinking about all that we have dealt with in the last few years, I get upset and very depressed.  It's certainly been hard to deal with.
 
I know I'll get through it but it's going to take time, I just wish things were different.
 
Again, thank you.
 
Luvs to both of you and take care,
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/3/2008 12:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Wen, sweetie, I wish I could take your guilt away..you have a full-time job here looking after us and being a kind soul.  You have been through so very much and I am honoured that you shared the extent of how bad you are feeling..you are such a blessing to us, so kind and gentle.  I cannot pretend to understand what you went through with your son but you can ask my mum (I was a bit of a bad seed back then) and she will let you know that sometimes we need intervention...you have done the best thing you could as a mum.  Bless..
 
Kitt, oh no..not the dreaded merry-go-round..I'm sorry you feel so yuck..I've put my guythrough that too and feel awful.  I'm crossing fingers and toes that you feel better, saner and not so dizzy from that roundabout action..many, many big hugs xxxxx
 
Liz, you are such a sweetie!! Thanks for all your beautiful input..xx

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Weekend Warrior Princess


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/3/2008 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Sis
I am so sorry I have been outta the loop have been real woried about cait and her heartrate was 190 at ER the other night is now on a beta blocker..BOTH of us have that severe strain of the crud so all we have been doing is sleeping and drinking lotsa fliuds

YOU contribute SO MUCH to your home YOU are a Fantastic and caring supportive Mom and wife
DONT beat self up over this .....
YOU cannot work plain and simple
Think of it from hubby's point he may be wanting to do this shift SO he is able to spend time with you ................

HERE you are the fantastic caring and supportive Wen we al know and love
Plz give yourself soem kind of acknowledgement for ALL you do for others..........
Luvs ya sis
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
 
   
 
                   
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/3/2008 4:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your support and help, it's nice knowing that others can relate and having others understand why I am in the shape I'm in right now.  There is no doubt that the last few years have been the hardest years ever for me.  These years have worn me down so much that I just had nothing left to give to myself and I just wasn't able to keep myself together any longer.  I consider myself to be a strong person, almost to a fault sometimes, but I sure don't feel strong now and haven't in quite awhile.
 
My husband has been my rock through all of this, I've fallen apart and he is helping to pick up those pieces and put me back together again.  Although he doesn't fully understand the level of grief and guilt I feel and he doesn't fully understand what I'm currently dealing with, he tries to understand.  But the bigger thing is that he supports me and listens to me rant, no matter how much he doesn't get what I going through.  He truly is my rock; I love and appreciate him dearly.  He reassures me quite often that he loves me, that I will get through this - with time and patience, that I have nothing to feel guilty about and that he will always be here.  I often wonder if he would just be better off if I were to leave him so that he could live without all this turmoil. 
 
It's so good to be able to come to Healing Well to post these problems and know that there are people here who understand what I'm going through - understand the anxieties, what the agoraphobia is like, understand what some of the medical issues I have are like, etc.  All of these things have been so debilitating and have changed my life in ways that I could never imagine - and not for the better either.  Thank you all so much for you kind words, support and thoughtfulness - they are appreciated in more ways than you may realize.  I am so glad that I am a part of this amazing family - what a great support system.  I'm also glad that I volunteered to be a moderator, I love doing it - helping others is such a great feeling for me; it makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.
 
I love you all,
Wen 

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/3/2008 4:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,
 
I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time too.  That foolish merry-go-round of ups and downs is awful - it makes you want them to stop so that you can enjoy life more instead of dealing with all the crap that comes our way.  I so hope that the merry-go-round has stopped for you so that you can get off that ride and have some peace.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
 
(((((HUGS)))))
 
Lots of Luvs,
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/3/2008 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Wen, Hope your day is better.  Seems I was coming down with the crud which probably contributed to my feeling so depressed.  I will be on and off between naps.

I just want you to know that you are so thoughtful, and kind.  You truly are a special person and do not ever forget that.

Fun to have Meg onboard.

Lyn needs to rest, ret, rest.  I pray for her so hard.  I hope someone is listening to me.......................

Hugs to you sweetie,
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/3/2008 11:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Lyn, Wen, Kitt...what can I do??? Wish I could give you my health, my laughter and some of my easter chocolate (I got way too much)...stay away from the crud...die, crud die..
 
Don't feel it's my place to be here yet, but will do what I can, email me if you want ANYTHING and I meant that!!!
 
(((hugs to all of you sweet wonderful women)))))
 

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Weekend Warrior Princess


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/4/2008 7:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Although still feeling depressed and angry, yesterday and today have been a little better than the beginning of the week was.  I finally figured out what the trigger was for this bout of depression.  The other day I came across my mother's obituary while going through some papers (she passed away this past December).  While reading it again, the anger that I have harbored towards her for so many years came welling back up again.  But it was different this time because now it's hit me that the issues we will never, ever be resolved.  So now I have to find a way to resolve them on my own; but I will be talking about them with my therapist because I can't continue with this incredible anger any more.  So that anger just went from that to all of the other issues and problems in my life and I became overwhelmed by it - becoming very depressed by it all.  Over the course of the week, the depression has slowly lifted.  Thanks for letting me vent and share this with you!!
 
Luvs to all,
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40584
   Posted 4/4/2008 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Wen,

I know the feeling, you feel like you aren't doing enough. But remember, as I have to, they love you so very much and it probably isn't the burden that you feel it is. I am sure that they would do anything for you and not think twice about it.

Let them love you. That is what I was told to do.

I hope that you are feeling better.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/4/2008 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Wen, just checking in to see how you are doing (I will send the guilt police around if you don't cheer up soon - they arrest guilt and frog-march it away!!)....please now that we care about you very much (((((((hugs))))))))

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Weekend Warrior Princess


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/5/2008 1:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Karen,

That's great advice, no one has ever put it like that before but it makes so much sense!  Thanks for your help, I will do my best to follow it.

Meg,

You are too funny - the guilt police LOL.  I'm trying to not feel so guilty about things, but it sure is hard not to some times. 

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words, I know that I can always come here because I know that so many understand what I'm thinking.

(((((HUGS)))))

Wen


Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/5/2008 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   
We DO understand Wen, I was on a disability for two years and felt so useless the whole time, but I simply wasn't able to work..it wasn't the right time for me.  I still got the guilts..I still get the guilts (I am on a first name basis with the guilt police, they often come over for tea and biscuits)..what you are doing right now is EXACTLY what is right for you and your family...bless xxxx

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Weekend Warrior Princess


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/6/2008 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Meg,
 
You are so kind and supportive and you certainly know how to make a person feel better.  I just wish I could do more or do something different to help out.  But I just can't right now and I'm trying to not feel guilty about it, but there are days that I just can't help it.  The feeling of being useless can be so overwhelming.  But at least the disability payments are coming in now and it has helped to relieve some of the financial stress that we have been dealing with.  It's something.  Thanks for being so helpful.
 
(((((hugs))))),
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/6/2008 10:31 PM (GMT -7)   
You are a wonderful, valuable, asset to this world and especially to this forum...guilt will turn up from time to time but I suggest you purchase a large bottle of "guilt be gone" to spray in their faces when they ring your doorbell!!  You are doing exactly what you need to do right now..bless you and your family wen xxxxxxxxxxx

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Weekend Warrior Princess


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/7/2008 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Meg,
 
Not only do you crack me up with your humor, but your support has helped to get me through the past week.  I so appreciate it.  I keep telling myself that I am doing what I need to do for myself and it's time that I put myself first instead of everyone else.  While doing this I'm also telling myself that I can't feel guilty about this.  Little by little, I think these thoughts are starting to work on me.  Thanks again Meg.
 
Luvs and lots of ((((((((((hugs))))))))),
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.

Please seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin LA, Rozerem, Valium

“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”

Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/7/2008 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Sis
I am so sorry you had to come to this BUT I know you and I KNOW your strengths
You have the inate ability to get thru anything and everything thrown your way and you are an ASSET to this forum for sure
KNOW we all love and care for you in so mny ways ........I do miss our talks but we shall get back on board with that K
Yes I understand totally about your issues not being resolved alot I have not resolved with Mom either but I find I cannot have the anger eat away at me anymore it takes too much outta me daily
I have you and megs and kitt and so MANY others to help me thru this ..
SO do you .......let us help sis for sure you deserve it .........

I know how you feel I kicked Howie to the curb a couple of times outta guilt fo MY being sick and it wasnt rigth I was robbing cait of her dad and me of his love.........
WE CANNOT be guilt ridden over what we have NO CONTROL over and you bleding know you didnt ask for all these sicknesses .......
you got them and you are doing your best to deal with them NOT hiding out in a corner feeling all pity for self
Here helping everyone including me .......you got me thru hell and back .......thanks .
YOU are special ...know that and also know we love ya ....Hear me............luvs sis

Megs you are too funny sweetie
I will have to see these guilt police..............are they cuter than regular police
LOL I am so glad you are now part of the team I see it is messed up under name email Peter he will fix that for you k

Stay positive you k I sure am missing all of you and have this past week .......I thought all was good BUT cait is still home today .......
Her cough is relentless and it hurts me to hear her like that ya know.........
Be good to self as you are so good to others..........
Luvs.S.i.s.
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
 
   
 
                   
 

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