Things have been going well, until today

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deedah
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 4/23/2008 3:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, it's been a while since I posted, things had been going pretty well. My therapy has been great and I am back at work (although I'm working some weird hours that is taking some adjusting.. but one day at a time!) So I have been dating this wonderful guy for three years this summer who has been really supportive of me. I love him so much for that and don't want to lose him. Before my episodes began, I had a friend (not my boyfriend) and he started to believe I was interested in a relationship with him. As soon as my episodes began I realized how much my boyfriend ment to me and needed to nip the other friendship/relationship in the bud. I told the guy it's best if we no longer see each other because he was looking for more from me than I was from him. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, I was looking for friendship and we had known each other for a few years. Apparently he thought we had a relationship more than friends and considered it me breaking up with him. Now he is calling wanting to "work on things" but I just want him to leave me alone because I have a very caring and understanding boyfriend and don't want to mess that up. I have been crying for an hour because he has made me feel like I am such a horrible person, when I was just trying to do the right thing. Now I have to be at work in an hour and my mind is just clouded with these terrible feelings about myself.
I knew the right place to come look for support, so here I am. Sorry to lay my problems on all of you, but I don't want to be that "bad person".
Thanks for listening!
Much love,
Deb sad

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 4/23/2008 4:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Deb,

I'm sorry that you're feeling so torn up. Probably, this other guy was hurt, angry and disappointed, and chose to deal with those feelings by blaming you for his expectations. It sounds to me like you were quite clear in saying that you weren't interested in him in the same way. You've stated your position, and he clearly doesn't like it. Please try not to let guilt get you down. You've done nothing wrong, and you are not a horrible person. He is trying to deal with his upset by transferring it to you, and you don't deserve it. Also, you may feel a little ashamed because the situation makes it look like you weren't loyal your boyfriend, but you were. This other fellow may be trying to stir up that feeling in hopes that it will genuinely materialize. Just because he wishes that you weren't so committed to your boyfriend doesn't make it so.

It may be, if he doesn't get the message, that you will have to be more proactive. I had an exboyfriend one time who agreed to be friends afterwards but would try to put the moves on me any time we got together. I finally had to simply cut out all contact, because what he was saying wasn't consistent with how he was behaving, and his expectations weren't accomplishing anything positive for either of us. It was sad for me to lose him as a friend, but the truth is that he wasn't behaving like a friend and didn't really want that. In friendship, it definitely takes two -- there are no REAL one-sided friendships.

Hang in there. I hope you're able to let go of the upset and concentrate on work tonight.

percycat

nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/23/2008 6:31 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh Deb, I'm so sorry that this guy is trying to make you feel guilty..it sounds like things have been going so well for you (yay for you!).

Percy is right, he is feeling hurt and rejected and he has decided to take that out on you.  Humph! You did the right thing, the noble and caring thing, DO NOT let him make you feel guilty.  I know you are a wonderful person and this just further demonstrates it. 

Keep doing what you are doing, be assertive, firm and try not to let him guilt you out.  Hopefully he will respect that and leave you alone.  I'm so happy everything else is going well...one day at a time as you said, hope you are feeling better soon deb, you deserve the best.


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


deedah
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 4/24/2008 1:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all. You are such a wonderful family I know I can always rely on! I know part of A/P is blaming yourself for things that go wrong, and I have to work on that. I am such a people pleaser and sometimes it comes and kicks me in the butt!

I will be on here more, I promise, even if things are going good. It is good to keep a good relationship with those who care and understand.

I love you guys!
Debi

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 4/24/2008 5:56 AM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with Percy and Brenna makes a good point as well

Take care Deb
Yes do be here more k
We do miss ya ya know

Luvs
LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
 
   
 
                   
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/24/2008 9:08 PM (GMT -7)   

We do miss you deb, and please don't let guilt get anywhere near you beautiful self.

:-)
Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


Top Gunner
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 4/24/2008 9:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Deb,

I agree with all that has been said. Very wise words. In addition, I would like to humbly add my own suggestions. I am not a lawyer or an expert on police authority, but if this friend of yours doesn't get the hint and he continues to contact you and doesn't respect your wishes, I believe this is known as "harrassment" and you can call the police authorities to restrain him. Just a practical thing to consider since this guy may not get the message and stronger measures may have to be implemented. Just to make sure though I would call your local police office if it comes to that to see what they suggest you do. I do hope though it doesn't go that far!

In the meantime, be at peace knowing that you have done the right thing and you should be proud of yourself!

God Bless,

Ray.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/25/2008 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   

Hello Deb,

This is Kitt and welcome to HealingWell.  I have been following your post and the members have given you great advice.  First of all you are not responsible for other peoples feelings.  So please lose the guilt your feeling, you did not hurt him, in fact you were honest and up front with him. I have to admire you for that. :-)

I am sorry for his pain but he needs to deal with it and continuing to contact you when you have asked him not to is inappropriate.

If you feel threatened by this person you can file a PPO (Personal Protection Order) with your local police department as Ray suggested. 

Have you discussed all of this with your boyfriend?  Keep posting and let us know how things are going for you.

We are here to help and support.  Again a warm welcome.

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


deedah
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 4/25/2008 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   
I have not mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don't want to put that on him. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel intimitated. I just rather get rid of this other guy and move on with my life. Thank you for the great advice and being here to comfort and console me.
<<Hugs>>
Deb

wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 4/25/2008 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Deb,
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this experience.  It's awful knowing that someone just can't/won't get the message and won't leave you alone.  You have gotten some great advice from the other members already and I really don't have anything to add to what has already been said.  But I whole-heartedly agree that you should not feel guilty in any way for anything at all.  You did what was right for you and there is nothing wrong with that, so please put the guilt away (I know, easier said than done).  I will say this though, I would be willing to bet that your boyfriend would be very supportive of you if you were to tell him what's going on and you may need his help should this other fellow become more assertive in his ways of wanting to "work things out".  This is just a thought for you to consider.  Remember, no matter what you do, we are here to support and help you in whatever way we can.  We care about you and hope to help.
 
Take care and lots of ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))),
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

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stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/25/2008 3:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Deb,

The good part is you can come here and talk to us and get your thoughts down instead of trying to hold all these feelings inside.

Keep posting and lots of hugs to you.
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


crying
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 263
   Posted 4/25/2008 6:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Deb,

You are in no way a bad person. Sometimes it is easy for someone to confuse a good friendships as a border line relationship.
I myself had been in this postion, However my so called "friend" began to stalk me even after I had told him I no longer wanted to be his friend or ever talk/see him again. After a couple months he finally got the idea but I too felt kida like I did something wrong or I was being mean.
But the truth is sometimes in this life we hurt people, not bcause we are tring too just because there is no other way around it. And as much as I hate to see people upset and hurt sometimes there is no other choice. Dont let him make you feel bad. If he is just prolly alittle hurt and letting off some steam with his words. You are a good person.
Puttin' the Fun in Dis-fun-ction!


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 4/25/2008 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
just checking in Deb, remember now..not your fault..keep that guilt away and keep us up to date !!

Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


deedah
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 4/26/2008 12:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you again. It is great to know that there are people out there who can relate and care. My therapist says I'm a people pleaser and have to get over it. You can't always please everyone. "It's their problem and they own it, no need to feel guilty." I am feeling better and slowly adjusting to this new schedule I have. Life's been busy with getting back to work after being on disability.. and I feel sometimes I just want "me time." Plus I'm 24 (25 in a couple weeks!) and I'm such a mama's girl. She is my rock. My boyfriend understands that and it sometimes feels like my other friends don't understand that. My boyfriend knows when to give me my space and doesn't complain that he doesn't get enough time with me (gracious god gave me a good one!) I still live at home and since I work 6:30-3 am and my mom works 1st shift, I don't get as much time with her as I like. SHE is my best friend! The stress of other friends always wanting my time sometimes gets to me and make me anxious (people pleasing again!) And the extra anxiety is the last thing I need in my life right now.

It is a great feeling knowing you are all here!
(((HUGS)))
Deb
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