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Suzyq30
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 5/5/2008 10:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Well I want to tell my story but I often feel like it is just stupid and so many people have other more important issue that cause their anxiety.  Mine has reached such a high level that I just need to put my thoughts out there with hopes that someone feels the same way or I can get advice on how to handle it so that each and everyday I am not feeling like this.
 
My two kids social lives and where they fit in just worries me all the time. I guess I was always that person trying to fit in HS and just could never find my way.  My kids are very good looking and I want to see them enjoy HS.  My youngest is on and off with her boyfreind.  Right now they are on.  He is head over heals for her.  She seems very happy but I just can't tell.  I worry so much that she is going to hurt him again and look like the bad person.  He is so good to her.  The perfect boyfriend who wants to be with her all the time.  He treats her very well. I have so much anxiety because I feel like she doesn't see it and will ruin something good. She comes to me for advice all the time and I feel like I tell her what to do but I guess I have a hard time because she doesn't say or do what I would do.  It leaves him at times wondering where things are at because he is worried too.  The whole texting drives me insane.  I have showed her how some responses can be taken out of context and she comes off as wrong.
 
But since  I worry constantly about this she is feeling it because I am constantly asking questions and repeating myself.  There are days she is very patient with me and there are days she blows a gasket.  I know that this is all apart of growing up and they need to make mistakes.  I have a good friend who tells me that all the time.  I just can't seem to get past it and it sometimes takes over my every thought.  Stupidly, I loose sleep over it as well.  I feel like my mind makes more out of than it really is.  I just wish it would stop.
 
The thing is when I give her advice or steer her in the right direction sometimes she fights me on it but in the end she comes back and said you were right. 
 
 
 
 

wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 5/5/2008 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Suzyq30,
 
First of all, please do not ever feel like your problems are any less severe or problematic than anyone else's here.  Although they may not be the same issue, we all have issues that cause us anxiety and/or panic.  So please give yourself a break.  Maybe someone else here has the same or similar issue that you do and is causing them anxiety as well. 
 
Secondly, to me it sounds like you are doing the best you can to guide your daughter in the right direction.  Whether or not she takes your advice is entirely up to her, if you try to force her to do things how you would do them you will only drive her away.  And you don't want that.  Although much easier said than done, you need to let go a bit and let her make her own mistakes and hope that she learns from them.  You also need to stop losing sleep over this, that's not doing you any good - especially for the anxiety.  You need to be able to get a good night's sleep to help with the anxiety.
 
I have two teens and a 22 year-old that I also worry about, but I am learning little by little to let them make their mistakes and hope they will learn from them.  When they need a shoulder to cry on, they know where they can come for that.  Teens are not easy "creatures" because they think they know it all and adults know nothing.  They just have to make their own mistakes, it's as simple as that.  I swear that creatures of some sort take over their bodies and minds from the age 11-20 - LOL.
 
I hope I've helped a little and wish I could help more.  Keep posting as we look forward to getting to know you better.
 
Take care,
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am not a medical professional, any advice give is purely from personal experience.

Always seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin LA, Rozerem, Valium

 “Be a good listener.  Your ears will never get you into trouble.” - Frank Tyger


megie
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 69
   Posted 5/5/2008 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi suzyq , Welcome to HW !! Please don't ever feel like you are asking a stupid question . I feel your pain . I have a 22 yr old son and I worry about him constantly . We love our kids so much we don't want them to go through what we did . I would love for my son to listen to me , and learn from my mistakes . But they just have to learn on their own . And yes he has came back and said "you were right mom " .

Your daughter is very young and will probably have many boyfriends in high school and college before she finds Mr. right . Children in high school tend to think they know everything , and I guess we just have to be there when they fall . Maybe when they are 30 yrs old we will stop worring about them ( i doubt it ) . And one more thing I used to lose sleep too , worring , but quess what ? They are sleeping like babies .

Hopefully we have raised them right and they will come out just fine . Stop worring mom !! easy to say , not easy to do .
hugs Megie
     You can only change what you can control , you can't change what you can't control .


Suzyq30
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 5/5/2008 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the feedback and keep it coming. Everything you have said I have thought and it has been told to me.  It is just so hard living with this anxiety and I wish that I didn't have to. I look around at other parents who just "go with the flow" and not worry about relationships and I wish I could be that way.  I did not worry this much when they were growing up.  I was very laid back.  Once they started HS the anxiety set in. And yes the lack of sleep kills me.  It makes the anxiety much, much worst. But I wake up with things on my mind and I can't fall back to sleep.

Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 5/5/2008 2:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Suzyq you sound like a wonderful mother. Its normal for us to worry about our children. Funny thing is my now 28 year old daughter finally drove me to seek therapy because her actions were causing me so much anxiety. We can only guide our children in the ways to go, but once they reach a certain age, try as we might, they are still going to make their own decisions. Because of the drama my 28 year old brought into my life I have learned thru therapy that I am not responsible for the choices my children make. They are there own persons. I know that I did not bring her up to behave in the manner she is acting, so I am slowly learning to let go. Its soooo hard. I too lose sleep worrying about them and all my girls are adults. God Bless you and just keep guiding her in the way she "should" go and hopefully she will hear your words in her when she is making a decision and make the right choice.
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/5/2008 9:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Suzyq30,
I am Kitt and I wouldlike to welcome you to HealingWell  and the A & P Forum. 

There is something comforting about baring your soul to the members of A & P and still being able to be anonymous. You will find the members caring and supportive so stick with us.  We are one family here and now you are part of this family.

Post often and share with others.  I will be addressing the issues in your 1st post tomorrow.

I have had a busy day.............many new members on the site.  So  glad to have each and every one.

Hugs

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Suzyq30
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 5/6/2008 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for all of your advice.  I am trying to back off from her and it is so hard.  Yesterday my anxiety levels were so high.  She was in a great mood and said she is happy so I didn't pressure for any information.  I do have to speak to her about some things I read on her phone about him pressuring her but I am waiting for a time that she will listen to me. But I have a tendency to exaggerate thoughts in my head and alot of "what ifs" all the time. Even yesterday after school when I saw she was not texting him I was worried and he did not show up at her game.  Later that night she said she heard from him after school but was a sleep when she got back to him he feel a sleep but then was talking to him before bed.  Something simple like that I had all kinds of thought running through my head. I just wish I wasn't this way.  When speaking to her friends mom about her daughter and boyfriend she tells me she checks in once a week and really doesn't worry until she sees a reason too. Boy I wish I could be like that!

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 5/8/2008 1:19 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there Suzq..you have been given some fantastic advice..I always think that it's a shame that our children come into this world without their own instruction book - this would make life sooo much easier for us parents lol.

Don't forget to take time out for You..when was the last time you treated yourself to something special? Do you have hobbies you can immerse yourself in..distraction is a great way to ease anxiety :-)

I wish you well..try not to 'overthink' too much (easier said than done :-) )

Maree


 
  •  'Raindrops on roses..'
  •  'Peace of mind will come to us when we are happy with 'not knowing'...
  •  'No more stinkin thinkin...'
  •  'It's not how we survive the storm..But how we Dance in the Rain..'
 
 
 
 
 
 


Suzyq30
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 5/8/2008 7:43 AM (GMT -7)   
It's the over thinking and worrying too much that gets me.  I am not even going to get into what is on my mind right now as I type because it really is stupid.  But I just hate how I over think situations. I am such a "what if" person and almost make up in my head what is going to happen and it may never.  Then I spend the whole day worrying to find out I was not even close to what could happen. But I have to say there are sometimes I am right and what I worry about happens.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/8/2008 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   

SuzyQ

Good Morning.  I think your what ifs fall into the realm of  anticipatory anxiety .

Common Anticipatory Anxiety Reactions include :

Feelings: anxious, fearful, angry, confused, hopeless, losing control, numb, sad, moody, irritable, guilty.

Behaviors: withdrawal from others or activities, disrupted routines, startle reactions, easily crying, constant worrying.

Cognitions: preoccupation with possibility of trauma, concentration difficulties, self-doubt, worry, indecisiveness, memory difficulties

Physical complaints: muscle tension, headaches, gastric distress, sleep and appetite changes, fatigue

Talking usually helps. Share your feelings with friends, family, on here are all good ways to work through the anxiety.

Relaxation techniques: Try deep breathing, muscle relaxation, visualization (imagining peaceful scenes), and/or listening to soothing music.

Realistic self-talk: While we can't always control what happens to us, we can always control what we say to ourselves. It's important to keep things in perspective. Talk to yourself in reasonable ways. Ask yourself "how likely is my fear?" Remind yourself that you have coped before during other challenging times. Don't just dwell on the negative but consciously look for things you can appreciate every day.

Stay in the moment, don't worry about yesterday, and tommorow will get here soon enough so stay in the moment of today and know you are ok.  Some things we cannot control but anticipating a bad outcome and worrying increase your anxiety.  I so agree with Maree, do something just for you. You are special and important so take care of your first.

Hugs

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 5/8/2008 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Suzyq,
 
Please don't think that whatever is on your mind is stupid.  We want to know what your thinking and going through so that we can do our best to help you; but we can't do that if we don't know what's going on. 
 
The "what if's" are hard to deal with and you have to try not to think that way (easier said than done, I know), but it will be better for you if you can stop thinking that way.  We all have worries that come true and some worries that don't; I think that's just part of life.  But those of us with anxiety issues tend to make them into much bigger issues than they really are.  Unfortunately, it's part of our nature.  I hope that in time, you will be able to get this under control and maybe not worry quite so much about all the "what if's".  Are you on any meds?  If not this may be an option for you, but you really need to talk with your doc about that to see if that's a good way to go.  Just a thought for you to consider.  Remember, we care about you and want to know what you are feeling and thinking so that we can help you - so keep posting.
 
Take care,
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am not a medical professional, any advice give is purely from personal experience.

Always seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin LA, Rozerem, Valium

 “Be a good listener.  Your ears will never get you into trouble.” - Frank Tyger


Suzyq30
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 5/12/2008 6:19 AM (GMT -7)   

I am starting to realize that for my children I have painted a picture of how I would like to see them live their life.  Not in a controlling way at all.  Just in a way that I know they will be happy. This is where my anxiety comes in.  I have one daughter with a boyfriend that I can't stand and wish she would walk away. Does not treat her or the family very nicely. Then I have another with a boyfriend who I really like who treats her like the "painted picture" that I have. The one with the good boyfriend does not appreciate how well she is treated and that is when my anxiety peaks because I don't want to see her make any mistakes. And I know that they only way they learn is to make mistakes, pick up the pieces and move on.  I don't want to see them get hurt or mess up a good relationship.  Then the "what ifs" kick in and that makes is worst. I have gone over and over with all of this in my head knowing that I have to let go and let them learn on their own.  I know all of that but my mind just doesn't want to let me do that. I have a tendency to dwell on the situation with them or ask the same reassuring questions over.

I am seeing a doctor who has me on Wellbutrin for depression and Adult ADHD.  I can take Xanax as needed but don't like to because the anxiety is not there all the time.  It just comes up on me when certain situations come up.

 

 

 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/13/2008 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
HI and Welcome
I am going thru something simuliar with my daughter Cait / yet different
I do not like her boyfriend though
He is good to her in front of us but has made the odd slip showing us he is a liar and he is controlling
Cait is I feel in this relationship just because she feels sorry for him
It is always something "new" going on that he is hurting about and so on........

I have learnt and been told by a few ppl here that I love with all my heart not to say anything bad to her about him as it will just push her closer and I am starting to see that so I now shut my mouth lol ( hard for me ) and say nothing.........
Cait is catching on ( to his lies and other things) and she will end up breaking up with him when she feels it is time I am sure......

YOU do sound like a great Mom wanting only the best for your daughter just as I do
KNOW you doing your very best
I do wish you all the best in this situation and I do hope you will continue to post and get the support you need
It was the hardest thing and still is to let Cait make mistakes I want to protect her ya know .......
BUT in all honesty we have to let them grow learning by mistakes they make IMHO anyways

Take care and Stay with us

LYN


  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
 
   
 
                   
 

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