Bad anxiety rising

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stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/9/2008 9:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey All.
 
I have tried to deal with this on my own as so many here have really huge issues and I should be fine.  I have a good life............I have HW.  
For the last few months I have found it more and more difficult to carry out even the most ordinary daily activities. I wake up in the monring and the anxiety is right there, I try to just get up and tell the anxiety to take a dive but I can feel it intensify and soon I am in tears because I don't want to be this way anymore.  I have dealt with it for 28 years and I want it to go away and leave me alone.
I hate the tears as I feel like the biggest loser I know.  How can this be me? I sit here and cry because I have no friends and no where to go. I blame that on myself and my weakness.
 
I am afraid to go out even thow I write my goals, I end up the day feeling like I lost another day in my life.
 
I can deal with the IBS, and the GERD and the disc herniation pain, the severe osteoarthritis in my right hand but the anxiety and pain are destroying me.  I feel so emotionally drained and the pain and lonliness from this anxiety are pushing me down.  I am losing hope.
I am in tears. 
 
Please, help me.
Kitt
 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 5/9/2008 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Dearest Kitt,

Please know that you are not a loser even in those times when the anxiety beats you down. The strength is in even trying to fight the battle, and you do that, my friend.

Anxiety thrives on isolating us. We feel weak and limited, so we can't do as much as we would like, which can then make us feel weaker and more limited. Soon, we feel incapable of doing anything, and the little energy we have left goes into self-blame for not overcoming this insidious condition, rather than self-encouragement of baby steps.

Remember that you do have friends here who love and support you even when you feel undeserving. Also remember that it's the anxiety and the constant wearing down of our spirits that come with it that make you think negatively of yourself. You ARE a worthwhile individual, and the good days will come to you again, dear friend.

Hope is not lost, and we're all right here to keep giving it to you when you need it, like now.

Gentle hugs and love,
percycat

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 5/9/2008 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Kitt..You are one of the most amazing people here at HW..actually I am a big fan of yours :-) You give fantastic advice - things I would never have thought of... yeah

Seems to me that you are being way too hard on yourself..sheesh..from reading your post it seems that you are spending a lot of time 'fighting' anxiety instead of maybe 'accepting' it and jumping into your little boat and floating on past it :-)

You will be fine Kitt I promise..I have dealt with anxiety just as long as you aaaargh eyes and we both know you can't go back to First Base coz we have already been there..We have skills..and we sometimes forget ('er hmm') - how clever we are, eh?

Small steps and you will be feeling better in no time :-)

Keep us posted - and yes there are gonna be times when I need a 'pick me up too' lol.

Hugz Maree

 

 


 
  •  'Raindrops on roses..'
  •  'Peace of mind will come to us when we are happy with 'not knowing'...
  •  'No more stinkin thinkin...'
  •  'It's not how we survive the storm..But how we Dance in the Rain..'
 
 
 
 
 
 


panic queen
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 5/9/2008 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt
I know I have felt like you have. It's so hard to get through at this time, but you will.
This is a great group here and comfort for anyone not feeling so well.
Baby steps, and don't be so hard on yourself .
(hug)

L

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/9/2008 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all, I am really trying and practicing what I preach, but I am a mess.  I took a nap with my dog.  I know I have a tendency to set high standards for myself and I am my own worse enemy.  Just hate this feeling.

Maree, yes babysteps it is.  I will take babysteps.  The worse part is not having any friends, they were all connencted to my work and when I retired they kept on going.

Tony you too are right, bad is never permanent. And Percy, thank you, you are a kind and generous person.  Your words are uplifting.

Panic queen, I feel like I am the dowager queen of panic.  Thank you for your support.  I will make it, I just need to know someone is out there willing to give me a hand.

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 5/9/2008 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Kitt

I wish we could give each other a big hug as I am where you are right now (just posted an update).

Please hang in there you always are so supportive and give great advice to others I know it is hard to take it yourself when you feel this way though.

I am lonely and scared as well so maybe we can take each other's virtual hands and hugs.

Take care.

Honey Bee

Sunshine1108
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 268
   Posted 5/9/2008 8:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt, you are NOT a loser!!!
 
Your an amazing woman who has helped soooooo many in the forum.
Sometimes when we set high standards for ourselves that can bring anxiety on in a big way.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
 
Do you think maybe your meds should be increased?
How about a visit with the doc?
 
You have friends here!
Don't forget how much everyone cares about you.
 
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Good Luck Sweetheart!
 
Hugs
Mary
~Take Life One Minute At A Time!
~What Does Not Kill Us Makes Us Stronger!


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/9/2008 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   

Honeybee,

Thank you for the hugs and I so appreciate it.  I see my Pdoc every month and she has switched my meds many times but I know we will be discussing meds again.

I will continue the struggle and I will try to enjoy the good days.  I just have this buiilt in trait  to be needed and with no job and no children at home I feel useless so I come here and try to help others.  I am a care giver at heart and I don't know how to move on and not be a care taker and  just do nothing all day. 

Thank you for being here for me.

Mary Sunshine,

Thank you for your words of kindness and encouragement.  What I know in my head is sometimes difficult for my heart to understand.  I did talk to myslef today when I went to town and I had this urge to just keep on heading down the highway, to run but I kept telling myself that I am ok and I will be ok. 

I am just feel so alone when the anxiety is so high and I look for friends and feel like I am not worthy of friends is why there is no one there.  I know that is "stinkin thinkin"

I can't stop the tears, why me, I know the answer is why not me.........as I have been told for 28 years.........get a grip, so I will not let my family see me like this.  It makes them upset and they demand to know what is wrong NOW?

I will be ok, I know that. 
Hugs

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 5/9/2008 9:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt

You have so many friends on here and are a wonderful caring person. I totally get everything you have said particularly when it comes to having to 'be needed'. Until 2 months ago I had spent the last 22 years looking after my bipolar hubbie which actually although others thought I had had a hard life with him I often saw it as a positive as I enjoyed caring for him and trying to help. This is one of the main reasons why I am feeling like you at the moment, lost lonely and useless and don't know what to do with myself. I think when you have spent a long time looking out and after others you lose an element of who you are maybe - well that is the case with me anyway. It is your natural response to feel like this when you have no outlet for caring like you did so please give yourself a break!

If you are a care giver helping others makes you feel better and it is no wonder you are feeling like this now. It is a shame that a lot of us don't live closer together (I am in Australia) as I am sure we could all be great friends in person but at least you have the huge positive from being such a positive member of this forum and you do look after so many here.

Your exact words could have been written by me in this thread so please know there are people who totally understand how you feel and would never judge you for it. You did not ask for this condition remember. It is very hard for family and friends to understand when they have absolutely no concept of what it feels like (unless of course they suffer from it). You have to continually talk to yourself to continue doing things like driving down the highway that other people have no concept of how hard this can be. I have not been out of the house today but am building up and talking myself into meeting some friends to watch a rugby game this evening.

Hope you are feeling better.

Honey Bee

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/10/2008 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Aw Honey Bee,

You are truly a sweet and kind person.  I am finding that my Australian friends here are so caring and how I would love to visit your country.

Your right,  I have to find a way to let go of what I was doing and accept that I am still a caregiver but I need to channel my caring in other directions.

I have been looking into volunteer work but like you said sometimes just driving down the highway I have to keep repeating "I am ok, nothing bad is going to happen". 

My new car has the satellite radio and I found the comedy channels so now I turn one of those channels on and I sometimes find myself laughing out loud. 

Today I am going to research hobbies too as I have never had time for a hobby.  I did everything through my work, volunteered at health fairs, placed automatic defibs throughout are town, worked with our EMS on education and planning Special education for EMS Week.

I represented our hospital on the County  Disaster Planning Team. 

Well that is history and like I preach, stay in the moment and let go of the past.  So I will do my best to keep on moving forward and accept that anxiety is my illness and I will do my best to deal with it.

Thanks you so much for your sweet posts.

Hugs
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 5/10/2008 9:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Ahhh sweet Kitt I just want you to know how much I love you. You helped me move thru my anticipatory anxiety and to be a little stronger. You my sweet friend, have many many friends here at Healingwell. You are always there with a kind word for all and how I wish I could be close by you to show you, you are not alone. (((BIG HUGS))) to you, I know what an amazing woman you are, and I am sending prayers that God gives you His peace and helps you move thru this anxiety you are suffering.

I think you should look at volunteering at a local hospital. I think that would be a perfect fit for you.

God Bless you,
Gail *Nanners*
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/10/2008 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Nanners,

Thank you so much for your support. I need to practice what I preach and today started out a bit rough but I am in the moment now and leaving yesterday's anxiety in the past.  I need to keep moving forward.

I do care so much for people and I am considering some volunteer work.

I am also looking at hobbies, not sure what it may be but looking at something to get me excited about getting up in the morning.

Thank you sweet lady.
Hugs
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Julie1014
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 1245
   Posted 5/10/2008 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
(((Kitt))) Sometimes it can be so hard to practice what we preach, lol! I'm good at caring for others, but not great when it comes to caring for myself. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and sending big hugs your way. It WILL get better. Blessings, Julie
Diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (Pancolitis) 10/25/05
New Diagnosis of Crohn's March 2006
Asacol 3 pills three times a day
Remicade 10mg/kg every 4 weeks
Prednisone 12.5mg a day
Imuran just increased to 75mg
Acidophilus daily
Prevacid 30mg
Paxil 40mg daily (for Panic disorder)
Xanax .5mg as needed (for anxiety attacks)
 
 
 
 
 


Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 5/10/2008 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,
 
I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now.  Setbacks are always so miserable to deal with.  Remember that this is a temporary place, you will find your way through it again and don't beat yourself up, you are not a loser in any way, shape or form.  Look at all the good you do here, the people you help and support, this place would not be the same without your love and caring.  Now, let us care for you for a while.  If there is anything that I can do for you, please just ask, I'm here for you always! 

ocean1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 707
   Posted 5/10/2008 1:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,
 
Gentle hugs to you.  We can all relate to how you are feeling.  I also understand the needing to be needed feelings.  I live alone and have very few friends.  I, like you, am a caretaker kind of personality and that is part of what makes me ME.  If that part isn't being used, I feel useless and lonely too.  Since you are now retired, have you ever thought of doing any volunteer work at a hospital or nursing home or pediatric ward?  Give you a reason to get up and force yourself to get going each morning and the rewards are beyond measure.  I have not yet retired, but I do volunteer work at the hospital where I work and find it helpful as I am helping others and it takes my focus away from myself and my problems for at least a short while.  My favorite is reading to the elderly though at the nursing home or just going in and listening to them tell stories about their lives.  I am not forcing any opinions or telling you what to do.  Believe me, every morning is a struggle for me.  As soon as my eyes open, my heart starts pounding and the overwhelming fatigue kicks in and all I want to do is stay in bed.  It really is baby steps and one small adjustment at a time.
 
You are a truly inspiring person on this site and have helped me thru so much.  Please know that you are wanted and NEEDED here very much and we love you.
Diane
Thou shalt smile and have a nice day.  It frustrates those who have other plans for thee.
________________________________________
Anxiety 2007; IBS 2004; Chronic Hives 2002.
Medications:  Allegra, Zantac, Xanax, Darvocet.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/10/2008 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Lil sis

I am here for you and you know that .........
I wish you could come here and we could yak the nights and days away.......

I really do feel your pain and I am so sorry that I have not been healthy enough to be taking my load.....

Changes NOW my lil sis

Love and gentle gentle huggs to you .......
So, so many ppl love and need you here but we need you better ya know

Loves
Big sis
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
 
   
 
                   
 


Heather31
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/11/2008 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi friend. Many hugs to you. It's been awhile. I just wanted you to know that I think of you. You are a very caring person that has so much compassion for everyone that comes into your life. You are truly a blessing to everyone you touch.

Thinking of you and wishing you are feeling better on this Mother's Day.


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 5/11/2008 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Kitt,
 
As you know, you can talk to me any time you wish, I'm on AIM a lot and you can always email me - I will respond!  You need to take care of yourself first and HW comes after you get yourself better.  You have told that to so many of us, so please take your own advice and take care of yourself first.
 
You have a wonderful, caring heart and I truly believe that finding a hobby or volunteering will help fill the void in your life that you are feeling.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you through this difficult time. 
 
I hope you have had a great Mother's Day!!
 
Luv,
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

Every little bit helps, please donate to HW if you can!   http://www.healingwell.com/donate 

I am not a medical professional, any advice give is purely from personal experience.

Always seek professional advice from your doctor.

Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea

Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin LA, Rozerem, Valium

 “Be a good listener.  Your ears will never get you into trouble.” - Frank Tyger


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/11/2008 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow you are all so supportive and reminding me I do not have to be perfect and that I am needed is such a joy to hear.  I am my worse enemy at times and I can't get stuck on the merry-go-round of anxiety and not know why.

I know volunteering is a good idea and I did look online at a couple of ideas.  Each of you is inspiring with your sharing of how you cope that it makes me realize I am not alone in this.

Thank you is such a small way to tell you how much I appreciate you, all of you. I am doing better thanks to the love I feel when I come hear and read these posts.  :-) Many hugs and blessings to you.

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Danxiety
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 322
   Posted 5/11/2008 5:13 PM (GMT -7)   
hey kitt

I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better. You have help so many people through your extensive knowledge, leadership, and kind loving words. You're an amazing person. Admirable. Someone I envy. You've help me on a number of occasions, so i thank you and hope that things begin to get better soon.

You're the best_
dan
---
Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression, possibly Bipolar 2.

"We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves."
- Pema Chodron


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/11/2008 8:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Dan,

You are excellent yourself you know with the support you give to the members and with your sharing.  I am always glad to see you on the boards.  I appreciate your special comments and I am moving forward again.

No more hiding out,  I will go slow but I will never give up and I hope I can always help the members including you with anything you need.

Hugs to you.
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


peacesoul
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 5/12/2008 5:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Kitt, not sure how I missed this thread....

Kitt..I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad.
I had a day like that yesterday. I was on the highway and bang, a good old panic attack hits, out of nowhere.
I was like "what the fudge"!
I had to get off at an exit and just breathe and then I told myself "ok, Jen, this is not reality, You're stronger than this and have been through many Panic wars. Get your wits and stop being such a fraidy cat and drive home"
I did it, I was sweating and panicked on the rest of the drive home, but I REFUSED REFUSED REFUSED to let this panic control me anymore.
Sure, it will make me sweat, make my heart race and make me feel like I'm going to faint then die, but it never does.
This panic is weak, it's can't beat me anymore. I won't let it

Kitt, can you go out alone? What is your fear? Fainting? throwing up?
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places
 


erin.K
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 3148
   Posted 5/12/2008 7:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Kitt,
Hi! I looked for you & here I found you! I think it's a blessing I read your thread here; because YOU have just helped ME the past few days after I got out of the hospital...so maybe I can give YOU some crutches to lean on now.
 
We're similar in feelings.  When I went looney tunes in the hospital I went on such a rant n' rave of how I felt inside that it poured out soooo fast my aunt & sister had NO IDEA it was so bad.
 
I defined myself by what I was able to do.  My identity was & my soul was in my work.  So much of WHO I AM laid within WHAT I DID...and I took pride in my work, education, body, etc...
 
And then to have it all just STOP?  What does one do with that?!? It's like being in mourning.  I thought I was coping just fine in trying to adjust to being ill, becoming disabled, not being able to no longer work...but in reality, I'm having A LOT of trouble handling having a disability & coping with life now. 
It took a nervous breakdown to do it!  But I think it's good that we realize that "hey...this ain't easy!"
 
I have to learn NOT TO BE ASHAMED of myself, I have to learn that I AM NOT WORTHLESS & USELESS...and I have to ask for help to get there.
 
I guess what I"m trying to say is that I really feel like I know exactly what you're feeling.
 
You'll find your way through this.
 
erin
Arthritis Forum Moderator & Co-Pilot
Active Severe Rheumatory Arthritis. Crohns Disease. A.Chiari Malformation.
Meds: Remicade 600mg Q3weeks; 6MP; Avelox; Zolfran; Entocort; URSO Forte; Dilaudid; Oxycodone. 


andwes
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 728
   Posted 5/12/2008 5:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Kitt:

You probably won't rememeber but you came to my aid a couple of years ago when I was going through a horrible bout of anxiety....worse than I had experienced in twenty years! All your kind and encouraging words helped to get me through it when no doctor or pill could do as much. I finally came around and have been great for almost two years. And here it comes again...out of the blue that paralyzing anxiety that I know you're talking about and oh can I ever relate to that fear of being alone. I have no family other than my sons, two who are married and I rarely see, and my 18 year old who is getting closer and closer to going off to college and out of my day-t0-day life. So the fear has taken over, that horrible fear of being alone and useless. I've thought about volunteering too and it might be a good start to a solution for all these fears we have, I know it can't hurt. But I just wanted you to know that anxiety DOES go away or at least wane from time to time (I'm sure you remember those times even though it's hard when you're in the midst of it) so I hope you can remember that it WILL go away again - bopefully for a long time - and every time it does I pray to God to give us more strength the next time it rears its ugly head. I will be thinking and praying for you. Andrea

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/12/2008 9:05 PM (GMT -7)   

andwes,

I remember you and I thank you so much for your support and you are right, having support and remembering that it will get bettter has gotten me through this bad spell. I have had 2 good days now and I will continue to move forawrd and not look back. 

I will slay the dragons as I meet them and do my best to keep the anxiety at bay.  I also will let myself feel, and know that I will have some bad times but try not to let the anxiety cause me to freeze up and become so afraid.

Erin.K,

I could write a book on the discoveries I have made about how much my retirement has taken ahold of my depression and dumped me so low but I have come to terms now with a lot of those feelings.  They do creep back in when I am feeling down but I know I wear many caps and I am still a nurse even thow I am now retired from hospital/ER nursing.  It took me a long time to figure out what I was so very sad about as people say retirement are the golden years and I was only finding rust.

I set my  expectations of retirement way to high.  I am learning now to not rush through the years but slow down and appreciate what I have. One of the best things I have is HealingWell.

Thank you so much for your support.


We live in a small town and as I worked in the community for so many years my fear centers around running into people who will ask me how I am enjoying my retirement and what have I been doing?  I have to pretend that I am fine when inside I am so sad and  fighting to hold on to the tears and not breakdown in public.  I tell them I am enjoying my retirement. I even will go down a different aisle in the store if I see someone I don't want to visit with due to anxiety.
 
I start to feel anxious at the thought of leaving my house and going where I may run into people I know.

I do fine on a trip as no one knows me or knows how I had a major meltdown so no questions that I have to put on a happy face to answer.
I have driven home in tears after seeing someone I used to work with and I feel like an outsider now.  I know I own the problem and it is not anyone being mean or nasty, they are just being friendly.
 
I have made some great strides in getting past the anxiety and I am learning to accept myself the way I am and only learn from each episode of anxiety.

Hugs to all of you
Kitt
 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 

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