Joke of the day Part 4

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kelpie
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 5/27/2008 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all,
I am sorry to intrude on your forum. I am from the diabetic forum . Even though we suffer from different maladies at some point in all our illnesses we suffer from the same thing ie; stress, panic and depression. Occasionally I will read some of the post hear to find out how to deal with these problems and i came across the post about joke of the day. I thought they were absolutely hilarious and went in search of the other thread mentioned in the post.
I went through all 150 pages of posts and did not find it. Was I not looking in the right place. I did send an e-mail to the moderator but as yet have not received a response.
Every one needs to laugh now and then. Can anyone tell me where to find these jokes.

Thank you Katie

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 6/27/2008 9:29:26 AM (GMT-6)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/28/2008 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Got your email Katie and started a # 3 for the jokes look back in # 2 there are some really really good ones

Thanks lil sis for bumping that I wasnt on at all yesterday....
Luvs
Big sis
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
 
   
 
                   
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 5/28/2008 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Katie, you certainly are not intruding at all! It's a joy to have you post here and thanks for reminding us to bump that thread up. :-)
Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/27/2008 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/27/2008 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Let's Talk

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know chit?"
 
 
nono    devil     cool     yeah     tongue     devil    cool     nono      scool     eyes    smurf
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/27/2008 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
SO glad to see Part 3 has been resurrected ( sp)
Thanks  LIl Sis et All
With all the crud we are put thru daily with the a/p we
HAVE to find ways to laugh at other's and laugh at selves.....IMHO

Keep the Jokes and Humor a coming yeah
'It is our best defence

Have a safe and Great weekend All.............LYN


  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/27/2008 10:00 AM (GMT -7)   
TEXAS BLONDES

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down,
he opened it and pulled out a picture, an d said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual
or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but... "He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

***Got this in an Email today .............
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/29/2008 6:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died..

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat..

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet Bubbles'.

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest. ' So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

 'Well is it deep enough yet?' 'Yes, finally. Gimme the shovel.'


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 6/29/2008 7:51 PM (GMT -7)   
I have no jokes worth posting (we aussies have very bad taste in humour!) but I have had nice little giggle. Thanks guys!!
Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/1/2008 4:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Ya me too s.i.s.

Got to love the blonde jokes
I use on cait lol

Luvs ya tons
S.i.s.
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/2/2008 6:42 AM (GMT -7)   

A Pirate in a Bar

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

cool     cool      cool      cool     redface     cool     redface      devil     cool      :-)     yeah

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/3/2008 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .
"I'm not free. I'm four." 

Come on someone else help me out here, I am the only one laughing at me............ eyes

Kitt


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 7/3/2008 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I loved 'em all, Kitt, but I'm humor impaired. When I need a joke, I Google! :)

percycat

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/4/2008 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   

I am on a roll today:

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED FOR THEY ARE
THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/5/2008 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
** Got this in an email ..love it ....lol


Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.





The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."



The second surgeon, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."



The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."



The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:"You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."



But………

The fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine", and....



"The head and the butt are interchangeable."

Lil sis
YOU know this is true so do all the nurses / retired ones lol
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
                  Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
               Look For The GOOD,Even At Your Lowest 
   
 
                   
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/5/2008 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   

LOL, I got this same one in email and posted it on other site. 

How about another holiday weekend joke.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you."
*****************************************************************************************************

A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the
clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos....
it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"
So she took the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her desk."What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos...
it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"she replied.
"What do you have in it?"asked the boss,
"Two popsicles and some coffee"

This is serious radio..................lol,  Kitt


kelpie
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 8/14/2008 3:37 PM (GMT -7)   
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head,
I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
The same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
Appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
Is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
Surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
For an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
Then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
And finally has his surgery scheduled for a mont h from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
---------------------
---------------------
---------------------
---------------------
---------------------
---------------------

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave UNSAID the wrong thing at the tempting moment-Dorothy Nevill"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/26/2008 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I first went to my psychiatrist because I felt I didn't have any identity. Then the first bill I got from him was addressed to "Occupant."
 
turn    turn     turn    Kitt

kelpie
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 8/27/2008 2:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Here is a story that explains why life is the way it is.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of fifty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for fifty years. How about ten and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave UNSAID the wrong thing at the tempting moment-Dorothy Nevill"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/29/2008 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Doctors Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. yeah


Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." devil

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want." shocked


The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." skull


The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."  turn

Kitt  smilewinkgrin


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/23/2008 2:47 PM (GMT -7)   

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

idea   yeah smhair devil smilewinkgrin tongue shocked rolleyes cool   I am so kool and funny too.
Laugh and the world will laugh with you.
Hugs
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


kelpie
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 9/23/2008 3:17 PM (GMT -7)   
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR Women:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions.

Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night
rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare and naked Twister.


WARNINGS:

The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.

The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to call/text them at four o'clock in the morning.

The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking then most people.

So go ahead and try it....$3 a bottle works the same as $300 a bottle so
why pay more!

ADDENDUM
IF YOU SUFFER SIDE EFFECTS OF DOUBT THE EFFICACY OF SAID TREATMENT, STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT SIMILAR MEDICATIONS SUCH AS PINOT GRIGIO, CABERNET AND ZINFANDEL HAVE SIMILAR THERAPEUTIC EFFECTS.


Katie
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave UNSAID the wrong thing at the tempting moment-Dorothy Nevill"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/23/2008 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   

Katie, That was so funny.  My daughter in law loves her wine.........now I know why.

cool    shocked     smhair    Hugs,  Kitt

kelpie
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 9/23/2008 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt. Here is the secret to a long and happy marriage!!!

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married, ' she said, ' my grandmother told me, the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if  I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death,
because I don't know how to crochet.


Katie
"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave UNSAID the wrong thing at the tempting moment-Dorothy Nevill"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/24/2008 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   

Spit out the pits, Lyn................. devil

One day after church service the pastor was going around shaking everyones hand. He came to a little boy and the boy said "You cursed during the service today" The pastor, puzzled by the remark said "Well if I curse during next sunday's service then I'll owe you a cherry pie." The boy agreed.
The next sunday everyone was listening to what the pastor was saying. As the service was about to end, the pastor said "By God we live, and By God we die.". Just then the boy shouted "And By God you owe me a cherry pie!

yeah   turn   devil   smhair   smilewinkgrin   Joke-a-rama we R.

Laughs to all.

Kitt

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