Proud of Myself/Yet I am Sad...

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ashleyf3
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 364
   Posted 5/28/2008 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok so I pretty much have stayed at home for the last few years due to health problems and my extreme anxiety! Over the last 20 years my level of anxiety has fluctuated but for the most part stays in moderate to severe range. I have only played tennis (also due to the health problems as I try to get stronger) a few times with only my husband this year and last night he somehow convinces me to go out to the mixed doubles practice. Now I have already told this team (even though my husband for some reason signed us up?!?!) that I couldn't play in any matches this season due to health problems. So I take immodium for the some the intestinal stuff, pray alot, stick a plastic bag in my pocket (as my major fear is throwing up b/c I get SO nauseated with my panic), call the babysitter, and head off to the courts. I told myself if I could just make it five minutes that was five minutes more than I had played in years!

I was very anxious and don't really take much medicine right now for the anxiety due to the other health problems so that couldn't help! I literally felt so sick to my stomach most of the time but I did the best I could for almost an hour - then I told my husband I just could not take anymore and had to go home. The good news I stayed & the captain was like you are so good are you sure you can't play in matches?!?! I should be proud of myself and I keep reminding myself how great I did, but I also feel sad b/c I use to go out there and play for hours and now I get so freaked at every little thing and it breaks my heart.

I just wanted to share with you guys b/c I knew you would understand what I am feeling. It is hard to describe to people who don't suffer like we do. I want to celebrate, but I also want to understand why I can't do more - what does that commercial say "I want it all and I want it now" LOL

I pray you are all well and having a good day!

Blessings,
Leah

Georgie Girl
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 319
   Posted 5/28/2008 5:53 AM (GMT -7)   

Wow, your progress sounds wonderful.  Maybe you should dwell on what you were able to do vs not doing what you used to do.  I am struggling with giving up the way I used to be (loved going to work, there was joy in it for me) vs how I am now (dreading it, counting the minutes until the end of the day, coming in at the last possible minute vs getting here early).  It's hard, I know, but I am trying to accept that this is the new normal for me.

 

Congratulations again on a great effort and good progress.


Georgie Girl


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/28/2008 6:02 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Leah,

I know exactly how you feel, I have been where you are and I am sure I will have events in the future that may be the same.

At my very worse I would force myself to go to events and I was so anxious while there that a sip of wine made my head spin.  I just wanted to run away and I would watch the other people laughing and talking and wonder what had happened to me.  I used to be like them.

I have found that accepting myself for who I am now is what makes it better.  You did a great job,  and be proud of that. You went and a celebration is in order.  I also understand coming home and feeling like it was so hard and wanting to know why? I tried to figure out the why for so long but I never found the answer.

So I do the very best I can and if I decide that I need to stay home and cannot attend something,  I allow myself to do that.

I practice being in the moment.  If I am in a situation where the anxiety starts notching up, I keep telling myself "I am OK"  "Nothing bad is going to happen to me"

You did extremely well my friend.  Kudos to you and bushels of hugs.
Stick with us as you are family here.

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


Quesadilla
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 5/28/2008 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   
I know what you mean about being sick and it causing you to stay home. I was so sick from my disease that I had to drop out of college. I stayed home all the time, and it didn't help that I was in a verbally abusive relationship. All of this fed my already present anxiety. Now I have a battle with myself every day I go to school (I'm back in college now that my disease is a little more mild). The other day I had an argument in my head for an hour before I realized that if I didn't go to class that day, I wasn't going to go the next.

When I told my counselor about it, she was so proud of me. It ended up just making me cry though because I know that I want to do so much more. I want to actually talk to people in class...to make friends. Or to join exercise classes. Or to even feel comfortable in the gym! But right now, I'm stuck with small victories. I hope by the time summer is over, I'll be able to walk through the grocery store without feeling uncomfortable (or even attend a yoga class!).

Small victories lead to larger ones.
Dx with crohn's since Oct '04.
Have had symptoms since 2000.
Medications: nothing but a daily vitamin
Recently changed GIs, new GI is thinking something else may be wrong.
I see him on June 4th.  Wish me luck.


ashleyf3
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 364
   Posted 5/28/2008 7:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone - I knew you all would understand!! I will just keep take my small little baby steps!!

Blessings,
Leah

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/28/2008 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Keep on Keeping on Leah.................we are here for you hun and we are open 24/7.

Hugs

Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic 
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
 


wen4003
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1193
   Posted 5/28/2008 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Leah,
 
I think you did a fantastic job at staying there as long as you did and playing so well.  It sounds like you really put your heart into it and that's great.  I am so proud of you and how well you did.  Keep up the great work and remember it's baby steps and staying in the moment (Kitt reminds me of the latter an awful lot - LOL).  Congrats on your success and don't focus on the downside because I don't see that there is one.
 
Take care,
Wen

Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders

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nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 5/29/2008 12:22 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Leah, They are really bittersweet sometimes these victories of ours aren't they ? What you did was amazing, really brave and yet I can understand how you can feel sad for what you have "lost" to anxiety.  I think back and I'm amazed at how freely and confidently I moved through this world (many years ago) before anxiety came along.  Then I think of all the insights I have had, all the friends I have made through anxiety and it's almost worth it.  I also remember a time when I couldn't leave the house and now I study and work full-time.  Those little baby steps all paid off in the end..keep taking them Leah, it's worth it.  All power to you hon.

 


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 5/29/2008 12:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Quesidilla, I wish you all the luck with your new G.I.  Goodluck for the 4th, and let us know how you go okay?

Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


Danxiety
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 322
   Posted 5/29/2008 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
WOW!!!! That is so amazing Leah! Heck yeah! That is what it's all about. You just did A HUGE thing, even if you don't do it again. You looked panic and anxiety right in its evil eye and went for it... That is tough! Your story made my day, and i totally understand the sadness that comes along with it... But that's "stinkin' thinkin'"! You did awesome! I don't even know what else to say! Great job! I know how hard it is, but you did something amazing.

scool
You rock!
dan
---
Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression, possibly Bipolar 2.

"We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves."
- Pema Chodron


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 5/31/2008 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Bravo to you, Leah! You took one heck of a big baby step there, and you succeeded. I understand the grief that comes along as well, for missing how simple it used to be. As others have said, try to stay in the moment, not comparing what you can do now to what you used to do, nor fretting too much about what to do next. Each step will lead to the next reasonable one in its own good time. For now, be proud of what you have done under some very tough conditions!

Love and hugs,
percycat
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