Today..... I need some strength......(long story)

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hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 6/3/2008 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   
As you all know---suffering from some back issues here--- for about a year....(thow  on top of that some health anxiety, and panic---JOY)....
 
What I didn't expect is that my DH is at his "wits end" with the whole "issue" of me and my 'problems'......
 
I thought he was in my corner.  I thought he would put up with me through this whole ordeal---and actually, thought I was getting better everyday (physically and mentally).  Then, last week---we got in this huge argument about nothing....everything.  But, mostly it's about ME!
 
DH is very athletic....very good shape.... very active.  I used to be---until this whole 'back issue" started.  Now, it's come to head.
 
DH feels that I am self-centered.  He thinks that all I do is fixate (sp) on MY problems.  He thinks that I am a fake----the person he married is not the person I really am----and if he would've "known"----well.............maybe he wouldn't have stuck around.
 
He's concerned b/c we're not as intimate as we used to be..........he takes offense to that. Not that I have three small kids around and can barely stand, sit or lay down some days----but, hey......'be ready in a second's notice---huh?"
 
DH's defense when we get in these arguments is to put the 'wall up' and pretty much 'punish' me for a few weeks---pick on me, put me down, not even give me a hug....... pretty much withdrawl. 
 
I am so humiliated and am now feeling shaky and very unsure of myself.  He is away on business right now---and I feel a little peaceful.  When he is home, I feel like I am walking on eggshells----and very nervous I am going to make the wrong move----do the wrong thing.......the house won't be clean enough, dinner won't be 'nutritious' enough, and it puts me on 'edge' and very shaky.
 
I have suggested that maybe we go and talk with someone about our issues---his feelings---he said "NO" b/c we have spent enough time going to therapy, specialists, acupuncturists, PT and chiropractor for the both of us.....
 
So, what am I to do?  He comes home tomorrow---and I am dreading it!!!!  I feel like a kid------growing up in my "hyper critical" home (which I did grow up in a very "perfectionist" home)-------I am ashamed this is all happening with me (my back issues and panic)----but, I rely on him to be my rock!  Why can't I be a rock through times like this?
 
I have known DH since for almost 25 years (high school friends)!  We have gone through ALOT------and I always think we get through these things stronger than ever.  But---I am starting to feel that he doesn't anymore......
 
I am so bummed today------I feel like if he leaves me---what am I going to do?  I haven't worked in 10+ years (raising kids)---no money.  Won't be able to get a job b/c of my health issues---I don't think he will leave me though----he's had plenty of times where he could've walked out---within the last 12 years---but, hasn't.....I am praying he doesn't........and he probably won't---
 
The other night, when we were fighting---- I had a panic attack---  he did help me through it---but, I felt totally ashamed afterward.  I haven't had a panic attack in over a year!
 
Am I making sense?  I feel like I just threw-up a lot of thoughts! 
 
Any help is appreciated........this is rough!

hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 6/3/2008 4:41 AM (GMT -7)   
eyes   eyes eyes I should probably add--that, usually--- I feel that things are much worse than they 'really are'----I think.  In the past---we have experienced similar problems--and, DH is "OK" where I am worried that he's gonna leave---or things are much worse that they are! 

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/3/2008 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I will come back to this Hopeisreal

I am SO SORRY but I have to lv for docs right now

Be well
I know what you are going thru

Luvs
LYN

Others will have input in the interrim
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
 
   
 
                   
 


hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 6/3/2008 5:06 AM (GMT -7)   
OK Lyn---- hoping for a good visit w/ your DR.

thanks Gramps----I hope he continues to be my rock--- I am scared to death of the other options.... :(

Laurel

hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 6/3/2008 5:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Ya' know.. I have to say......
 
I feel so incredibly guilty when I read what you all are going through---and I feel that my problems are so freakin' trivial........
 
GUILT is a HUGE issue for me----I feel guilty about everything----I guess that is why this whole deal is a BIG deal for me!  The failure!  SIGH! 
 
Thanks for being willing to hold me up when you all have so much more going on with your lives. 
 
I can only pray for all of us to get through these times.........
 
Laurel

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/3/2008 5:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Laurel,

Guilt is a wasted emotion.  You have nothing to feel guilty about. Look at it this way, your saving hubby time and money talking to us versus having to go out today and see a therapist.  LOL.  Of course I am not saying we take the place of therapy :-) but just being able to dump it all at once and have people listen and understand is what comforts me.

We know you love your hubby but IMHO he is acting just like mine does occasionally.  My hubby can become very much at his "wit's end" and frustrated with my anxiety/depression.  He has been known to say he does not understand how I can be ok  and then just have a bad day.  He has a chronic illness and he lives well with it but it does not usually limit his daily activities.  I have come to know that I have my disorders and as Gramps said for better or worse goes both ways.

You are doing an outstanding job raising 3 young children and maintaining a wonderful home. 

May I suggest you walk away from a fight as things are said in anger that are hard to take back.  If you refuse to argue with your hubby when he goes off on a tangent then it may diffuse the situation. 

Try to talk with your hubby when he is able to sit down and have a calm conversation with you. And remember be assertive and not aggressive.  Tell him how you feel and don't blame him for making you feel sad.  It is ok to say "It made me feel sad to hear you say your at your wit's end"  Do not apologize for your illness.   You did not ask to have chronic back problems or Anxiety.

I wish you peace and happiness.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 6/3/2008 7:43 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks Kitt!

I will remember this the next time we are in the "heat' of the moment! It is hard sometimes---but, SIGH!!!!! :)

Laurel

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 6/4/2008 8:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hope,

I'm late joining this thread, but I just want to send good wishes and prayers your way when your hubby returns.

percycat

hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 6/5/2008 4:10 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks Percycat!

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/5/2008 5:12 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Hope
I am sorry I didnt get back to you til today but I did at least get back right

I agree that sometimes our other sig in our lives dont "get what we go thru " on a day to day basis..
What this all means to us
WE have to have some of our own power as well hun as it is not good to give all of it away to any one person IMHO
I did and he passed away left me with 2 small boys
I was totally blown away and had to LEARN what I had to do .....

They have not got the angst when they HAVE to go out the door
Shopping or to kids plays or teachers meetings with hearts racing and hands all sweaty ya know
Ya all ppl have some anxiety but there is a difference with theirs and ours

I get what you are saying totally
I am a severe OCD with cleaning and I cannot even lv a dics in the sinks either one
I did my whole routine ( as soon as I come out of my bedroom : which I made bed as soon as feet hit floor lol) every morning
My house is well it is not dirty but in my head it is ...
I just see what I think others MIGHT yet they dont and I am fixated on that too
It has literally eaten me up inside having to keep doing this and keep a smile on my face while pretending all is "GREAT"
I started CBT and for me it is helping but the other thing is I had to learn that my life is more than doing dishes being mom of the yr all of it.
It will fall into place and the stuff does get sone
I have one teen so you can imagine that I have hardly a thing to do
Cait is great to help me out wih more than her share and so was Howie at one pint BUT he has now taken to liking being dotted on IMHO and I have put a stop to that
You see hun I just cannot do it ALL anymore and I am so sick of anticipating the reactions of others even Howie who should know that he was told by the doc about sex relations and problems of mine or issues ......
He is 10 yrs younger and I feel I have held him back so I am letting him go he leaves this wknd
There are other issues involved that I will not ever live with .........

Hope you will make it thru this you both have come along way together and I am sure talking about it and how you feel and how he feels will help I really do .........

I am glad you posted I really am and now you need to focus on regretting some of the strong indepdant woman back that is CAPABLE ........not asying he is going to leave you but really we all DO know you never know from day to day what can change in our lives
Email me if you would like I check in the am's
Hoping some of this helps you
Take care...

LYN

I know you will be fine you have got to get yourself back soem strong YOU and hold it close IMHO do the things you can.........
YOUR HEALTH and well being is first and foremost IMHO
LOL now I am ramblin it seems

I guess I am just trying to tell you I really hope you have a great start with hubby today and take the time to do something together .....even if it is just go out to store or something
EVEN talking this all out may help your stress ,anxiety and panic mode
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 


hopeisreal
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 345
   Posted 6/5/2008 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you Lyn! He came home from Boston yesterday---and seems to be in a better mood--but, a little stand-offish. So, I decided I am just going to give him space to 'come around' eventually. I won't hound and nag, and will do what I CAN--- the rest--- I am really not going to worry about--b/c I can't DO IT ALL!!! LOL!

So, if you see my typing some 'babble' that makes no sense on the MB---well, that's just me venting my anxiety---and frustration!

Thanks so much for your input and understanding all------:)

Laurel

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/5/2008 9:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Try and have a good time together hun k
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

Luvs
LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 


ColtsFan
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 6/5/2008 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Interesting post. I'm wondering if others that have similar problems with anxiety, depression also go thru the same things with their spouses? I must say that I have felt similar feelings in the past with a leg problem I was having. I felt the Drs, work, family all felt I was a hypochondriac and just wanting attention. After a few years they finally found I had a tumor on the inside of my femur that had been slowly been eating away the bone until it finally broke thru and they found out what the problem was. I don't know if I was more relieved that they finally found out what was wrong with my leg or that I had proof that this wasn't all just in my head. A few years have passed now and everything has been fine then all of a sudden I started having really bad anxiety with bad weather. The fear is kind of embarrassing so I haven't told anyone outside my home but I get the same feeling that I had previously and that hopeisreal is getting where I think my family thinks I'm a hypochondriac. Unfortunately with this anxiety/phobia there is not going to be something happen as did with my leg where they say "Oh, there really was something wrong", but there definately is. When I start getting anxious I don't let my family know but in my situation they just know when the weather is bad I'm going to be on edge. I'm wondering how others deal with family members who just don't understand that these feelings although irrational are real.
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