Why do we stay in bad relationships?

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harlan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 6/12/2008 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Edited thread....

Post Edited (harlan) : 6/30/2008 4:16:33 PM (GMT-6)


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/12/2008 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, that's a rough situation - to feel drawn toward someone that is not healthy for you while have someone that sounds much nicer at home. That must really tear you up.

Did you have a relationship with your father? So often, it seems to me, people who keep having attraction to unhealthy partners are re-working some childhood relationship, and trying so hard to change the dynamic. "THIS time he will love me!" the brain seems to think.

So, if you had a mother or father or other influential person who always put your needs on the back burner, who was not terribly nice, but who you got SOME sort of love or attention from, then you may be feeling a very familiar feeling with this old friend. Apparently, it's very very hard for children who grow up with a parent who gives them intermittent love or positive attention. I can't remember what my ex-therapist called it, but he said the child gets hooked on trying to get those little morsels of love that are sprinkled in among all the mean things and being ignored or rejected.

The child thinks, "If only I can figure out the right thing to say or do to get that morsel of love again!" They sometimes have an even STRONGER bond with the mean parent, because they want to get that morsel again, it's so rare and special. Oh- "Intermittent Reward" is what the therapist called it.

So then the child grows up and y meet a potential partner, or friend, with whom they develop the same intermittent reward relationship. Subconsciously, they think, "Now I can fix that dynamic that hurt so much," so they dive in and try to make it work.

Could any of that be true for you?

itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/12/2008 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Oy. What a sad childhood. I feel angry at your mother, and I also wonder what HER childhood was like.... I have met so many people with cold, mean-spirited, unkind parents, who end up dealing with the emotional scars for a long time.

Since percycat mentioned narcisissm in reply to my post, I feel OK mentioning it again... this mom sounds like a narcissistic parent, for sure. There's a lot on the web and in books about being the child of an "n-parent", as some call them.

Is it ok to post links as long as they aren't for me selling something? Here's a blog I stumbled on that I really like. The writer talks about her father and how he has affected her. http://www.narcissisticparents.blogspot.com/

There's a lot of stuff online if you just search for narcissistic parents. (Sorry, I'm a librarian and can't help giving tips for finding more info).

Here's to a future where we can be free of the sadnesses our parents, maybe accidentally, heaped on our little heads.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/12/2008 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi,

I am going back to your original question " Why do we stay in a bad relationship?

Everybody needs love. And unfortunately, many men and women will go to any lengths to get it--even if it means remaining in a bad relationship.

Many of us go into new relationships carrying several pieces of very heavy luggage on our backs. We think that the next person we meet will mend our heart and relieve us of our baggage, when that's not their job.

Please start practicing self-love, which is realizing "that being a divine creation and made by God and appreciated and loved by God gives me the ability to love myself and expect that others don't just violate that on a consistent basis."

I hope you can work your way through all of this and remember only you can make sure your happy.  Keep posting and know we care.

Hugs

Kitt



 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
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thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/12/2008 5:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Harlan,
Just wanted to say that although I'm only 19 and have been married only three years, I know where you're coming from. I had a ex from highschool that was really not a good person. He lied to me when we were dating and always did drugs and stuff. I called him after I had been married for about nine months. I ended up calling him a few more times and getting kinda emotionaly attached to him. Even though all he wanted was probably just (code) "fun". I had no physical attraction to him or anything. I didn't even want to be with him but he told me what I wanted to hear sometimes. So anyway, I ended up telling my husband and he has a hard time trusting me now. Even though we never met or anything, or never talked about "fun". My thought is that as woman, when we aren't getting what we need from our husbands we try to find another male to provide those needs. Be they "fun" or emotional. But what I have discovered, and I'm sure you already know after 16 years of marrige, is that the only person that is resposible for your happiness is you. And any relationship you get into will most likely end in the same way unless you make changes in yourself.
Thats just my thoughts. Hope they help. I don't really have any good advice but I hope things are getting better for you! Love love love!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/13/2008 7:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Well... I guess I was pretty attatched to him. Maybe only in my head. Because I had liked this guy for years before he gave me the time of day. Then when he did, I was like, he's not that great. And it was very hard to tell my husband. I'm not saying you should lie to yours, but from my experience if I could go back I don't think I would've told him. I think I really hurt him and our relationship by doing that. But my policy is honesty. So I had to tell him. At the time though, we were seperated and he wanted to get back together. I did too but I wanted him to know the truth. (We weren't seperated when I called my ex.) I am torn between telling you that you should tell him or not tell him. I don't know your relationship or how far you've gone with your friend. Anyway I dont' want to give you bad advice so do what you have to do. And you'll be okay when this friend leaves. I actually think things will get better for you. Try turning to your husband for the things this friend was doing for you. I know that sometimes this won't work but if you make your hubby your #1, then you won't even think of that other friend. I hope you have an awsome day!!!!!!!!! Loves!!!!!!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/13/2008 9:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hun.....
I know you are going to go thru alot of emotional issues with ALL of this
IMHO
...and believe me I would not hurt you or anyone here for the world
I think when he goes you are going to have to cut all TIES iuding the emailing
It will only make it stretch out longer....and no doubt cause more problems in the longrun
Especially as you are not going to tell you hubby
Now this is my opinion I truly believe once he goes you HAVE to LET him go totally in order to get back your life and make it work IF you want it too with yor hubby

I like Kitt believe you have to love self first and foremost and you really need to put yourself totally into that .........

NO MATTER what you decide sweetie
I will be here and so will the rest of you HW family
This is a place of love and support
Not of judgement okay

I truly hope I didnt hurt you with what I did say but I really think thats the only wasy this can end up or other bad circumstances could come out of it for allou

Luvs
your friend and fellow OCD'er .......LYN


  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 6/13/2008 10:51:13 AM (GMT-6)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/13/2008 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Before I run out the door
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DI IT MY FRIEND ..........
With your HW family here for you
and helping you every step of the way

I promise you I will and I know so many others will
Luvs
LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/13/2008 5:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Glad the narcissism stuff was of interest.

You keep mentioning the sadness you feel. It makes me wonder if you need to look at that sadness some more. When you feel the sadness next time, try to really listen to it. See if you can, while overwhelmed with it, probe it gently and figure out what sort of sadness it is. See if you can get yourself to describe the sadness in one short sentence. Like this: "Thinking about my friend moving away makes me sad and that's why I am sitting here crying my eyes out. The sadness is a feeling that _____________________." And fill in the blank. So, maybe you'd write, "I will never get to smell his 'Old Spice' aftershave again and I love that smell." or "I'm losing the only person who ever ever cared about me ever in my whole life." or "my last chance at a different life is leaving." or "I will now be left all alone to deal with my husband's illness, and maybe I will lose my husband too, and that makes me so afraid."

I made some of those examples silly so that you could see that it's OKAY to just accept whatever statement your mind gives you. Take that statement, and just explore it some more, as you sit there and cry. Sometimes, if you can go right THROUGH the emotion, and not try to stop it or feel guilty about having it, you can identify the statement behind it. It often sounds really silly and you'd be afraid to admit it to other, but it can help to identify it. the next time you feel overcome with sadness. you can remember what you discovered, and tell yourself that you understand. "You're crying because you love that Old Spice smell and now he's leaving. That is really sad. Go ahead and have a nice cry."

Sometimes, just acknowledging the statement behind the sadness and allowing myself to cry as much as I want lets me get sort of bored with it all, and I can start to cry a little less each time, until maybe I just get a twinge for a few minutes.

It's hard work for sure, and I suppose it sounds nuts, but it has sometimes helped me, as long as I'm not into panic mode.

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/13/2008 9:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Harlan.
My relationship with my husband is okay. I guess, we had to get marriage counseling because he liked to get physical when we fought, and then he couldn't trust me so... But things aren't so great right now but I don't think it's because of my ex. We are just growing apart. And it didn't take very long for me to get over him because I knew that if I didn't I wouldn't have my husband now. I don't think I ever cried over him after that though. I didn't love this guy so it wasn't so hard on me to let him go. Just knowing that I had hurt my husband made me stay away from the ex and stay in the present with my hubby. My only advice is to think of your husbands feelings. What would he say if he knew about this friend? I don't want to guilt trip you or anything, this is the thought that helped me. LOVE!!!!!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


TiredLoveR
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/22/2008 1:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm in a bad relationship.  I discuss it on post like this and my blog http://tiredlove-rachelle.blogspot.com/ for therapy.
 
I'm staying in this bad relationship because of my son and financial reasons.  For the last year I've gone broke trying to support three people because my son's father was out of work.  Now he is working again and I fear if I make him leave now he will not help me get back on my feet.
 
If I didn't express it somehow, I would go crazy.  To live with someone who has hurt in every part of your body, to see that person everyday, and to have to try and be civil discussing issues concerning my son.  It's so hard.  My son, he is so happy that we are "together" and I know it will be hard at first for him to understand but I think it's better now that he is so young than later.
 
Well, I just wanted to let you know why I'm staying in a bad relationship even when I know it's totally over.
 
Peace.
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