Still confused on this relationship thing

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harlan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 6/15/2008 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Tried deleting the thread but could only delete my other posts.  Just decided to edit this one. 
 

Post Edited (harlan) : 6/20/2008 12:52:00 PM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/15/2008 9:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning...........I am sorry you are feeling sad.  The old proverb goes

"You can't have your cake and eat it too" 

The things people want are often incompatible.  This proverb is easier to grasp it it is understood to mean "You Can't eat your cake and have it too"

I believe you would like to have both of these men in your life as it feels good to you and now one is leaving.

Perhaps you need to see a therapist to talk through your issues as your right you cannot have both men and if you love your husband and are happy with him, you do not need to turn to another man.

I am not judging you just reaching out to you.

I wish you the best and stay with us.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~

Post Edited (stkitt) : 6/16/2008 10:55:44 AM (GMT-6)


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 6/15/2008 3:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Harlan,

I wish I had answers for you, my friend.

I forgot to reply to one of your posts a while back, asking how I had gotten over being clingy in my younger days. I always had to have the next boyfriend in sight before I could let go of a failing relationship. I've been thinking about your question, and it's nothing I did that got me out of that unhealthy pattern. At one point, I was desperate to maintain a connection with a great guy who is a fabulous friend, but we would never have made it as partners. He got involved with someone else (good and healthy for him) and I pestered and begged the poor guy for months to give us another shot. It was only his clarity that he wanted something different from what I was offering that helped me to see it as that and not a rejection or judgment of me as a person.

I guess maybe I always felt a bit worthless if someone wasn't mooning over me. Now that I'm more mature (I hope), I realize that healthy love is about sharing the full range of life's experiences, from the shimmery, amazing "wow, I've never been able to experience this with anyone ever before" (fairy tale) to the mundane "I wish he'd pick up his dirty socks." Now that I have a relationship with a healthy share of both, I see how much richer my life is having those extra dimensions.

It sounds to me like your life with your husband has many rich, fulfilling, and comforting dimensions. Maybe whatever the connection is with your friend, unhealthy though it may be, there's that little lifting into the fairy tale that we're all a little brainwashed into wanting as young girls. Even the challenge and negative aspects fit with that wishful overcoming the dragon type thing. And it needn't be that he's your knight on a white horse - some fairy tales have the girl as the savior. (Think "Beauty and the Beast" and how her love changes him from being a cruel, awful monster. That's the pattern I often fell into, wanting to save my unhappy partners from themselves.)

Hold on - you'll get through this.

Hugs and prayers,
percycat

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/16/2008 9:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey harlan,
I think you may be just infatuated with this friend. Maybe he's just a dangerous adventure? He's different from your husband and your attracted to what's not normal and comfortable to you. You know he's not the one for you, and that he can't make you happy, but it's the thrill of it all your greiving. Maybe your life seems so ordianary and boreing that he puts some sort of spice in it. You know what I'm saying? ( THis is just my thoughts on it so I really don't know.) Do you do anything for yourself that's fun? Do you have dreams that you would like to achieve? or goals? And is there something you see in this friend that reminds you of someone else you love? like a parent or brother? Maybe subconciously, you're trying to re create that relationship and you feel that by him leaving, you have failed again?
Those were just some thoughts and questions I came up with while reading your posts. Much love and hope coming your way!!! Try to have a good day hunny. We are here for you!!!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/16/2008 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Harlan,

I did not mean to sound flip in my answer to you.  I hope you did not take it that way.

You see I have lived your life in my younger days but I gave up my husband, home and all and took my 3 children with me for another person that was not a free man.  I thought I loved him but within a week he walked out on me and my 3 children and left me stranded in a strange city far from home and took his car too.  I had no car, 3 kids and was broken hearted until I got mad at myself for being so dumb.  What did I really expect?

So I went a step further then you and then worked very hard to put my life back together.  My biggest regret was how I forgot I was a Mother and put my own wants ahead of my children without a blink of an eye.

I never did that again.  I learned to take care of my children and myself and I am now married for 37 years to the real love of my life.  My second husband. :-)

No I did not go back to my first husband that  I walked out on.  It would not have worked out.  I was only 23 at the time.

My heart hurts for you as these situations are always so difficult and yes you will get past this, in fact you will recover faster then you think.

I have great faith in you.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/16/2008 11:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey harlan,

It was just one week and he did not come home from work but called to say he was not coming back .  He went back to his wife with the money, the big lake home and all his toys. He came in the middle of the night and took his car away so I had no car.  I know now that I made bad choices and I paid my dues but I will never forget how he stranded 3 little kids.

My hubby has Crohn's disease and was first dx when he was 29, his first major surgery and he has had a total of 3.  I have learned to live with it as he does well and he is not one to discuss possible outcomes so I support him and care for him as he does me. He is having a bioposy of Prostate next week and when I first learned he may have a problem I cried until I was sick............I could not imagine life without him.  But then I finally pulled myself back into the moment and am taking things one day at a time.

I suspect your therapist is right and you fear the abandonment that would come if your husband was not with you.  But keep on holding on as you only need to deal with the now. 

You are not alone in how you have reacted to this other man.  No one is judging you, certainly not me.

Gentle hugs
Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/16/2008 12:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Kitt,
I'm so sorry about your hubby. I will be praying for you and him. That is so scary. You must be so strong. You are so strong. I'm so blessed to have found you and HW. You are a wonderful person. If you ever need to vent, you know you can here. Please do. You support us and we all would love to help you the way you have helped us. Love ya!!! Thirstyforchrist
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns

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