Relationship ended in a Very Bad Way. SORRY- very long.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
32 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/26/2008 3:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Boy, what a night I had Tuesday. I posted last week or so about my challenging relationship with my boyfriend. Well, things got better, and then worse.


Saturday: He had a severe panic attack himself, about 3 am. I got up and drove him to the hospital. He didn't want to go in, just lie in the back of the car in case he was having a heart attack. Wanted to be near the ER. This is the 6th or so he's had since we've been together. He didn't know what they are. They take hours to pass, and he gets very demanding about his needs- rub my back, get me a blanket, not that blanket, I need Otter Pops, etc. Won't let me give him valium unless I argue. Once I rubbed his back so long that I was late for work. He was afraid he was dying, didn't want me to leave. Before he met me he did not know what these attacks were, and still only partially believes it, even if I show him lists of symptoms.

This time was worse because he got so ANGRY. He was really not nice, and not himself, and I was afraid of him. It passed, and he was normal again, but several times he got all jumpy thinking I was looking at his cellphone.

So, at bedtime I suddenly a compulsion to look at that cell phone record, and calmly told him I needed him to show me. He said no, and I said, you can show, or you can go. So he showed. There were some texts between him and a female friend of a friend. He lied about having seen her- played it like she was just in the room but they didn't really speak. Then he got her number, and after he left he texted her saying: U R A HOTTIE

I was really unhappy about that. He said it was nothing. He just wanted to say something nice to her (I say: you don't introduce sexy stuff into a conversation with someone you only met twice, unless you have some sort of desire that is pushing you to act, even a tiny step), . He said it was because he wanted to feel attractive to SOMEONE. (I tell him all the time, but I guess he meant someone HE thinks is attractive).
At any rate, he apologized but not with much Gusto. I called the woman, just to let her know that he has a girlfriend, in case something was a brewing. I guess maybe that was wrong to do, but my last boyfriend had several women on the side, and none of them knew about me. When they found out, they were all pretty upset.

SUNDAY: I have weird symptoms all day- head feels foggy and sort of pressurized, hands twitch and are numb, stomach upset, warm flushed feeling across my chest from shoulder to shoulder. Thready sort of feeling with my heartbeat. I am worried I am having a stroke or something... I have some trouble talking. I ask him for help. tell him something is wrong, he just ignores me. The symptoms went on all day, and I was pretty knocked and in bed because of them. He was really unconcerned.

MONDAY: While he is at work I decide to look at our cell phone bill and have to ask him for the password. He does not give it to me for hours. Once he does, I am totally suspicious and start looking for repeating numbers in case he is gettin' jiggy with someone. I see a number that had several calls the day before, late into the night, early in the morning. I call it.
Turns out it is a male friend of his- C. I am embarrassed, but I pretend I am calling to see how he is since he came home from the hospital.

After we hang up, C calls my BF to say that was weird that I called, since I never do. BF immediately tells him that I was probably checking his phone record and calling people to check up on him. C, who does not believe in monogamy and has many many casual sexual encounters, tells my BF that that is terrible and I really invaded my BF's privacy. Just keeps saying how psycho it is, etc.

BF comes home outraged at me. Very angry. He tells me what happened and I am really mad, too! He always paints me as a freak to C, and he did not, of course, mention to C how many times he goes through my Internet browser history, or reads my email. I hate when he does that, and he does it a lot. I never do stuff like this. First time for the phone bill. Have checked his email 3 times, and his browser stuff maybe 5 times. Anyway, he is all self-righteous and I am hurt that he has once again let his friends think the worst of me.

Later that night, the friend who he had met the female friend through calls him up and gives him an earful about how mad her female friend was to have me call her the other night. Drew tells me this with a certain amount of enjoyment. I feel ashamed, but also I feel like maybe it was ok I called. "I was friendly!" I say, and he says, "Whatever. They were both just shocked that you called them and reallly angry." Again I feel he is not standing up for me. Maybe I am way off base. I don't know.

TUESDAY: I am very low from all of this nonsense. A few other things happen that morning that I am stressing about. He calls to say hi and I tell him low I feel. He doesn;t have much to say, and I drop it. He's at work, after all! He comes home late, not saying where he's been. THen he tells me, proudly, that his friend at work told him the U R A HOTTIE text was no big deal -"You were just sending her a compliment." I feel dizzy and ready to vomit. Why does nobody see anything wrong with this?

I tell him I am uneasy about all this and would like it if he could tell me what is up - with the text, with his desire to send it, with his feelings about the relationship, etc. I say I'm going out for awhile and giving him space to think, and that I love him and have warmth for him, but I feel uncertain and uneasy about all of this, since we so recently broke up (3 weeks ago) and then he convinced me to get back together. I feel doubtful of his commitment.

Maybe I totally over reacted? I didn't get angry. I was calm and clear, I thought. BUt I was also full of dread and anxiety. I felt that something was brewing, that he was hiding things (well he always hides and lies, but usually it has never been anything to hurt me).

So, when I checked in with him hours later, he had very little to say. I had tried reaching him earlier. I was sitting in a diner, feeling stuck, unable to move, afraid to go home. I texted him - telling him that I felt utterly alone in the world, nowhere to go, nobody that i belonged with. He is so unable to reassure me or to help me feel safe- hates it if I cry, thinks a hug request is manipiulation, as is a request for love reassurance. Anyway, he does not reply to my really sad text saying how low I am and that I feel so overwhelmed with life that I don't know how to proceed. I call a couple of hours later, and he says he really has nothing much to say. Some half-formed thoughts that are too difficult to speak. I say it doesn;t sound too encouraging. He does not reply. I say I feel like I have to draw my own conclusions he says he does not want me to. I say OK, and I will be home soon. Half an hour later comes this text: CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS TONIGH. GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT A FRIEND'S.

He has done things like this before, and it is a very hard thing for me. I feel abandoned, I get instant panic attack, hysteria, fear. I feel like I cannot survive it. I have worked on it a lot, being with him, because I know it's bad, and I want to change, but it's also not cool that he does this. Everytime he doesn't tell me where he's going, why he's upset, or answer my calls.

So, I call him, freaked out, and beg him not to leave yet. I am stuttering and not breathing right. I pull the car onto the highway. He is firm and cold and angry sounding. "NO, I will NOT talk to you. I am LEAVING now. DO NOT PUSH ME." he says. I enter full hysterics. I am driving like 78, reckless, can't really see. I start screaming and crying. Begging. "NOOOO DON'T DO THIS I WAS ALREADY FEELING SO DOWN AND ALONE PLEASE NO. YOU KNOW THIS MAKES ME PANIC. PLEASE" and he gets really mad and yells "FINEFINEFINEFINE." and says he will come back, since he's already left, and talk to me for a minute. In the ten minutes it takes me to get home, I calm myself down and I call him to apologize.

He doesn't answer. I call again. No answer. Call again and he answers. He's on the phone with S, he says - one of his exes that he is good friends with. He says he'll call me right back An hour later, he shows up. By that time I am in a frozen calm state. I have realized, somehow, that he is deciding to leave me. He won't answer my calls that whole time but I send him some messages saying that I am sorry I freaked out. And I tell him to bring my truck back, because the plates are expired, and he should get his car so he doesn't get pulled over. I tell him I know he is leaving me, and that I will be ok, but don't want him to get a ticket. We're too broke.

When he finally shows up he barely talks. I am calm and keep working on my laptop. He sits for a moment, gets up, picks up a few of his things. Starts to say something. I panic and say, "Please don't say anything that will hurt me right now." He gets up and goes to his office room to get more stuff. I call to him and he comes back. I say I'm sorry I stopped him, what was he going to say? He says it doesn't matter. I ask where he is staying tonight. He won;t say. I ask if he is staying with that woman, C, that he texted, the Hottie. He laughs, "That was NOTHING. There was NOTHING happening."
"Why can;t you tell me where you;re going,then? Why is it a secret?" He shakes his head.
He says "Your life will be much better without me" and I lose it. I start to cry. It is real. He really is leaving me. I say I can;t make it alone tonight. He says, "You can get support from your friends and family." Even in my state of mind I am aware that whoever he had been talking to earlier probably told him that phrase.

"Please stay, please don't leave me alone tonight?" I beg. He gets angry.
"DON'T Don't Do THIS. DO NOT." He leaves and goes downstairs quickly. My head is racing. I have to stop him. I can't be alone. I can't i cant. That is what I am thinking.

Downstairs he is about to leave and I block the doorway. "Don't Trap Me. I;ve already DECIDED." he yells and I start crying hysterically. I say "please please just stay until I am calm. Please."
Angrily he says, "OK, but go upstairs, I'll be up in a minute." I know if I go upstairs he will just leave.
I am not breathing right, not seeing right, everything is shifting and crooked, I am so scared. I am not thinking. I put my cigarette (EDIT), and collapse to the floor moaning. He yells at me to cut it out. I grab a (EDIT)
I did this once before - threatened suicide. It is something my mother did often when I was a kid. And I have done it with other boyfriends. And I never really thought about it. But when I did it with this BF, over a year ago, he told me that it was not acceptable, was manipulative and made him mad. I saw truth in that, and felt ashamed, and never did it again. Until last night. I was so confused by his lack of communication and my own confusing anxiety all night and day. I know he is leaving me but not why. He has not even said so except for telling me I will be happier without him and telling me that he already decided.

Upstairs I throw the knife across the room, and cry out for him. He does not come. I call and call him, he does not come. I go look for him, hyperventilating, crying, He is outside, on the phone with the 911 operator, the police are coming. I am so angry. He knows, I am sure, that  He knows why I said that, and the circumstances that cause it. Again, I think that this is what his friend on the phone told him to do if I said anything like that. He is like a stranger to me. He is not the man I thought he was.

I am so angry, ashamed, embarrassed. I beg him to let me talk to the operator, he does not let me come near him. I sit in his car so he can't leave. He tell me to get the F out of his car. Finally the cops come and divide us up. I tell the one with me that BG is leaving me again, after convincing me to take him back a few weeks ago. and point to the huge hole in the front of the house where he ripped out the old picture window we are replacing. He is leaving with a huge hole in the house. The kitchen is gone, the dining room light he too out in November and never replaced. He keeps tearing things out and not every helping me to put in the new stuff. I tell them I supported him for so long, and now he has a job and I don't and he's leaving, etc. I say I was just upset and got too hysterical.

The cop asks if I am going to hurt myself, if I am diagnosed with anyhting, if I have any weapons. Says if I hit BF I will go to jail. I am so embarrassed. I want to go in and hide. I hear the other cop ask BF why he is leaving me and he says, "I'm sick of her drama." I am so mad. He brings this drama- he stays out all night, he won't answer calls, etc. The two cops speak together and BF goes to my truck and starts unloading it. To my shock I see it is totally full of his things.

That means that he had texted me that he was going away for the night, AFTER filling the truck with his things. He was planning to leave, and sent me a lie. He had already packed up a huge amount of his things, and was already planning to never come back. BUT HE LIED and said it was for the NIGHT.

Sure, I had sensed he was leaving, somehow, but the bare fact of his lie just shakes me to my core. Reminds me that this is how he left his friend S, when they were involved. They were in another state, fixing up a house to sell, and she was at work, and he packed up and left with no note. I remember that this horrified me when I heard it but he promised he was not like that anymore. He had matured since then. Guess not.

I feel so betrayed. I go to my room, and shut all the doors. I cry, I call a friend, even though it is midnight, or later. He talks to me for 45 minutes. I am semi-calm. I cry and cry and get scared again. I call the crisis line. She says to breathe deeply and do something to distract myself. Then tells me this is a crisis line and she needs to help people with real problems. I don;t want to tell her that I feel like dying, that I can;t go on, because I'm afraid of her calling the police again.

I email my mother, who is in a time zone 3 hours later. I say I think I need her to come out. Luckily, my teenager was at a friend's for the night, but when he comes home, how will I be able to parent him when I am so wrecked? No job, no money, house torn up, BF gone and won't tell me why. Ashamed, humiliated myself. VEry afraid that I will end up in a deep depression like I did when I ended my last relationship. Don't know how to make it.

She has an extra ticket already, and she is able to book a flight and fly 3,000 miles to be here by 6:30 in the eve. It is nice and hard to have her here. I only want BF back, but I really don't at the same time. He has betrayed me so badly with that lie about going away for the night. All his strange behavior. Calling the cops when he knew all he had to do was be kind for a few minutes. His secrets, his lies, my fear.

Spent the whole day in bed. Angry, sad, crying calm. Called many therapists and have an appointment tomorrow with a guy who does EMDR. Has anyone tried that therpay? I call the therapist I saw for 14 years but stopped going to 2 years ago because I wasn;t figuring out how to stop the emotional reactions to this sort of situation. She calls back and we have a long talk .She says I am handling this better than any of the other times. Getting help. Asking my mother for help -which is very much not like me. I keep myself separate from the family.

I tell her it is because my life has never been so throughly wrecked before. I tell her things are very bad. She is comforting.

And here I am. Can't sleep. Suddenly had a huge panic that this was all my fault, That I drove him away by reacting to that text. That when I thought I was calm and rational, asking him for clarity that I was really putting huge pressure on him. That he DIDN'T Know his going away text would make me panic, that he DID think (edit). So confused. Don't know what is real.

Sigh, want to escape my life.
 
  ***Hi there
I have edited just a couple of words from your post due to the fact we have 13 yr olds here that are members on the site** I do hope you understand and you CAN email me at my addy right below my name ...........LYN

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 7/1/2008 10:01:13 AM (GMT-6)


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/26/2008 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry that was so long. Just feel so lost. Even though my mother is here and she loves me (too much), I feel utterly alone. I feel as if BF and I never knew each other. I feel alone.

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 6/26/2008 12:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Itsokay,

If I could teleport over there to give you a big supportive hug and shoulder to cry on, I would.

Your story sounds much like many of mine, unfortunately. I'll try not to color your experience by confusing it with my own. I had one BF whom I felt I "had" to act out with in order to get his attention, to make him see how horribly he was hurting me. I remember pounding my head against a concrete wall in front of him once when he refused to listen to the truth from me: kept insisting I had left him a phone message saying something hurtful, and I kept denying it. It was still on his machine, and he "apologized" and acted shocked when he heard it and realized I'd been telling the truth.

Years later, I realize that such out-of-control behavior on my part was not a healthy way to handle things, and wish I had behaved better. I also realize that to him, my extreme reactions were emphasizing his sense of importance and entitlement. Like he was "all that" because look how the little woman just falls apart totally at the thought of losing him.

He pulled the same stunts, lies, and sneaking as yours, and yet I felt I was the one who had to apologize each time, I was always the one - as in your story - begging him not to leave until I settled down.

Having his poisonous nature out of my life was the biggest relief - LATER.

I hope you're doing better now, and I'm so glad you've turned to your mother for help. I hope you'll heal from his toxicity more quickly and more completely than I did.

Hugs and more hugs,
percycat

harlan
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 6/26/2008 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there!  I am so sorry to hear about what happened.  I was wondering why I hadn't seen you on the forum lately.

Is the BF getting professional help or therapy of some sort?  Sounds like he may need to talk to someone.

If he is texting someone telling them they are a hottie, you don't need him!  I would be wondering what else they are saying or doing.  If he wanted to be nice to her, he could have told her something like "it was nice meeting you" and not "you are a hottie".  Why did he text her in the first place?  Something doesn't smell right.... 

If he's ignoring you when you ask for medical help, that's another sign he needs to go.

And if he has a habit of lying about things, even though they don't hurt you, the potential is there for him to lie about something that may someday hurt you.  I would hate for that to happen.

Do you have any family closeby that you can stay with?  I am curious to see Thirstyforchrist's comments here because I think there are some similarities here.  It's good that your mom is coming.  Does she like the BF?

Hang in there and come back and let us know what's going on. 



itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/26/2008 2:30 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks all. feeling better today, actually. feel some relief. still miss him and still can't shake the feeling that he is not a bad person, but just wounded and stuck in his own way.

mom is here, and we have had a big fight, but it was VERY INTERESTING and enlightening. more later.

nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 6/26/2008 2:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Gosh, I'm coming over with Percy to give you some big hugs. What a terrible thing to go through. I know what it's like to have a partner who has panic attacks as well, you just feel so..helpless. Neverthless, he has lied and he has treated you unkindly and you just don't deserve that.

Relationships. Arrgh! They are so much drama, so much hard work! I try not to give advice in these situations because I'm not able to see if he truly makes you happy or not. All I see at the moment is you both being upset and it affecting your health. Take care of you first sweetie, number one priority. Make sure you are safe. If this is toxic then step away.

I am glad you have support from friends and you mum. Take advantage of that ok. They love you and so does your HW family.

Big Hugs


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/26/2008 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Itsok,

I am so sorry and yes you need someone to give you a hug.  I am so glad you have a Mother that would come to your side.

I read your post very carefully and IMHO you and this person are not a good match, I think perhaps you know that but you are so afraid of being alone that you are acting out and the two of you are so alike he acts out too.

Sweetie, first of all start to let go of him,  he is toxic for you and I am not judging you, just observing what I see in your post.  You are both playing games. I think it would be good if you worked with your therapist on your self esteem and also I have to say this, if I had a man in my life that treated me as he has treated you I would kick him to the curb in a New York minute.

I really did not see any respect or caring on his side toward you.  I feel you might also be in love with love, not with him. 

You have so much to work out and perhaps your sons Father left you and this is why you have lost all your confidence.  You can get it back.

People who have poor self-esteem tend to focus on and magnify their perceived shortcomings, and ignore their strengths and achievements. It's like looking into the mirror and seeing a warped picture - a bit like the ones at fun parks that make you look distorted - completely blowing reality out of proportion.

Your self-esteem can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how you deal with challenges and how relaxed and safe you feel in your daily life.  Let's get you back to feeling good about you and learning to love yourself.
 
In order to be happy you need to like yourself. If you believe that you are not OK, or if you are constantly putting yourself down, you are more likely to feel depressed, anxious or miserable than someone who has a positive view of themselves.

You have my support and the caring and support of all of the members here so let's get you back up and running smoothly.
 
You can do this.  We are here to help.
Hugs
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/26/2008 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks all. I hear what you are saying Kit. Some of it felt hard to read and I wanted to defend myself, but I am sure it is all true or close enough. And I am VERY glad to get feedback and help, even if I might not quite agree. I usually try to look extra hard at the things people say that make me want to defend myself. I try to see if there is something I am not willing to admit. . .

The only part I wonder about is the playing games. What games was I playing? Some of them, like the threat to harm myself, are so ingrained that it takes an effort to remember NOT to do them, so it always feels a little wrong to call it playing games, since it is more like using old, unhealthy, ingrained behaviors. Was that part the games part, or something else.

Afterwards I hate myself for doing that stuff, but in the moment things feel out of control. I want to unlearn these skills so I can stop letting the anxiety cancel out my better judgment. My old therapist described the cycle well 1. Something triggers an emotional reaction I don't know how to control or soothe. 2. The emotion feels so strong I feel I HAVE to do something to make it go away. 3. In order to try to make the feeling stop, I act in ways that are not actually helpful, but which I learned very early. The EMDR therapy is supposed to be so powerful because it helps you peel those memories away- not only the triggering memories, but the memories of unhealthy responses. When I first heard of it, I thought it sounded too New Agey, but then I found out that the US Military uses it because it is such a powerful tool for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That was all it took to convince me.

(Incidentally, I feel like all my anxiety comes from past experiences. Do some people have anxieties that have no causal roots).

I don't know if I was in love with being in love. I had very strong, real feelings for D. I do know that being alone for the rest of my life is a scary idea. I've never had a successful relationship, and I've had many years alone, so I know that being alone can be better than being in a bad relationship. Still, I do love being part of a couple, feeling like there is someone on my side, someone to help make decisions, someone to cuddle up to. All that stuff feels so special and rewarding. In the past I have held on to relationships that were miserable, just to not be alone. My marriage was 7 years, and I can honestly say that none of it was good. From the wedding day on. But I held on, and waited until he left me.

Still, I have improved. I left my last boyfriend, Z. because he was abusive. It took 14 months, but I did it. Before that, I always held on because I was afraid to be alone. And I left the boyfriend before him because I could tell he was not trustworthy. And I have twice now told D. that I could not continue as things were. This is brave, strong behavior for me. And the fact that I have not begged Drew to come back, since he left. Not one single time - not in email, text, or phone. That is new, strong behavior for me.

The problem is that I have not yet unlearned the abandonment panic, although I have made strides. And now that it is all over with D. I am in the place I always am after a breakup- very sad, feeling anger at life, feeling hopeless, feeling so heavy with emotional pain that I cannot do physical things, or take care of things. I get immobilized, and I have no pleasure.

I was hoping that this therapist today would help. I have a lot of interest in the EMDR, and feel it could be a real breakthrough for me, but it did not work out. He wasn;t the right therapist for me and I left feeling utterly desolate.

D. wrote me a decent apology today:
"you have touched me and changed my life forever. i miss you. if you think i'm not suffering you're wrong. the loss is still building inside me and it still has yet to finally emerge. there are forces keeping it contained. afraid of what it will bring with it. i think i am afraid to feel.i guess at some point my mind decided it wasn't worth the risk to really feel things. you didn't **** up we ****ed up together. i loved you as much as i've loved anybody. i still love and care about you but can barely take care of myself. i've never been able to fully take care of myself. not a good place to come at a relationship from. i'm sorry for the way i handled the departure. impulsive. fearful. uncertain. not willing or able to deal with the storm of separation. afraid to fail. there were some things we had i will never be able to replicate with anyone, any time. and still i don't know how to talk about it. i am sorry that i caused you so much pain. i've never wanted that."

It is something. I think I understand his actions now. I know he is very shut down and damaged. Still, it makes me dizzy and nauseated to read it. I so wanted this therapist to help today, to get something, a little hope, and instead I feel worse.

I wish I could just go to sleep for a few weeks, and wake up with the pain, the learned reactions, the feeling that I'm having heart attack, the closed up throat, the voice inside of me urging me to call him, to be near him, all of it - have it all just go away.

the whole reason that I asked him to think on tuesday, and clarify, was because I knew I could not live in the situation as it was. i know he cannot show me the type of support or reassurance I need. but it is still really really hard to know that he is gone forever. the things i miss, the things i will never get to be part of, even just the look of his face, which people tell me is ugly, but which i got so much pleasure and warmth from looking at.

i am so sad that we couldn't make it long enough to try the counseling i read about in "How To Get The Love You Want." The author said so many incredible things, and described people in situations as bad as ours was, and then he described the steps to overcome. And he said that healing the relationship is so powerful that the individuals find their old wounds are healed at last, too. but we couldnt even make it to one session.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/27/2008 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear itsokay
 
Great big giant hugs to you my sweetie....................I did what I was wanting to do with my post.......I got you thinking in a straight forward rational way.  I knew you probably would not like some of the comments but they gave you food for thought and your reasoned through your behavior and identified what had gone wrong. You looked at your boyfriends behavior in an objective way. Kudos to you. 
 
You know your self much better then you think.  You see I too have had relationships where I have begged, cried and threatened because I was so afraid of losing the person.
I have acted out knowing what I was doing was only going to make it worse but it was all I knew how to do.
 
I know you are a wonderful person and I am so happy you are seeing physician today.  The therapy is outstanding and I am proud of you for working on it.
 
I hope you are not mad at me, I was just wanting to get you thinking, I do not judge.  I believe in you.  God Bless.
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/28/2008 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, kitt! I am not feeling very wonderful.

Worried about how to find therapy, as the one on Thursday did not work out.

Am feeling so incapacitated by anxiety and obsessive thoughts that I am unable to take care of the smallest things.

It is so generous of my mother to be here, and the practical things she has done,as well as just being here so I know my son has a grown-up around, are of extreme help. However, her emotional make-up and mine are not so compatible, and I find myself feeling a greater anxiety around her, and I have several times lost my temper with her, which makes me feel like crap. She also has some heart problems, and cried today telling me she thinks she is dying. I called her husband and he said she cannot do any stress, and that I must very careful.

The problems of money, my house, finding a job, my yard, all feel so overwhelming that i am not doing anything at all. I had hoped that having mom here would be such a great support that I could start attacking things and making a dent. Instead, her shock at the condition of things has made me feel like it is all hopeless. In addition, because mom is here, my sister has come by a few times and made some comments about the house and etc. as well, and as soon as she does I find myself sinking deeper.

Anyway, feels really hard right now. Trying to just Dismiss feelings of missing him, and all that, but they well up and take over sometimes. Yesterday had too much contact with him, and it triggered everything.

So overwhelmed.

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/28/2008 6:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh dear itsokay,
I am sort of where you are. Okay, first of all I want you to know that your anxiety is not your fault. Some people say that we cause it or we can control it, but they have never had it now have they? It is real. It's not some imaginary drama we think up just to get attention. It is not your fault. Ok? And you did not drive this man away. It sounds like he is a real class a butthead. He was not treating you right and you deserve so much better. He sounds like he's the one who might need some help. And I'm not saying you shouldn't get help, we all need somebody to help us out when the going gets rough. So anyway I can share my story with you.
I am 19 (will be 20 in July) I have been married for almost three years (in August). My husband and I have a beautiful two year old son together. I got pregnant at 16, then married at 17 and also had our son at 17. So yes, I'm very young in age, but my soul and body feel much older. My husband never understood anxiety or depression. I have had anxiety every since I was 5 years old. So it's not new to me, but he has never experienced it himself. Anyway, right now we are seperated and I am staying at my Daddys and he is still at our house. He has been so cold and so distant to me every since we got back from our overnight honey moon about three years ago. I guess he thought he'd won the prize so now he could stop trying?? But after the birth of our son things got bad. I went through post partum depression and I had bad panic attacks every night. I could not and would not sleep, at all. I lost alot of weight very fast because I could not eat. The whole time I was going through this he just kept telling me to stop it, or to just cut it out. He said I was just trying to keep him up all night. He said that he had to work so he couldn't be there for me. I begged him and pleaded with him to just love me. To just hug me and tell me everything was gonna be okay. Things got worse and he started physically abusing me. He would push me and rip my clothes and break my stuff. He always hit or kicked me below my face so no one would know what he was doing. I had huge bruises on my legs and arms. He would scream at me and cuss me out right there in front of our infant. So one day we were fighting and he kicked me really hard in the shin and my son was in my lap. I tried to call the police but my cell phone didn't have any reception. I left him that night. But I only stayed gone for two days. When I came back he never hit me again. But then started the verbal abuse. He all the time is calling me a f'in psycho witch. And telling me how lazy and ugly I am. He says I'm too skinny and too needy. I would try and try and try to get him to understand that I was not having anxiety and panic attacks because I wanted to. Who wants to have that? But anyway about two weeks ago I was in the bathtub with our son and he stormed upstairs and told me I was spending too much money. (I didn't have a job except momma and housewife, which to him doesn't count) I only buy gas and ciggarttes and groceries. But the groceries are always for my husband and my son. I only buy what they like. So basically all I was buying for me was ciggarettes. Well he let me have it good. He told me how psycho I was and how lazy and how stupid. Right in front of our son he degraded me and cussed me out good. So I left. I left him and was ready for a divorce. I got a job and moved in with my Daddy. But he now says he's changing and he wants us to be able to work things out. It makes me so mad that he only wants me when I'm gone. I have tried to leave him many times before and I never was strong enough to stay gone for more than two days. Now I am finding out that I am a very strong, beautiful, intelligent, and hardworking girl. I don't need him to get through my panic attacks. And I have actually found that my anxiety level is way down since I've been gone.
So anyway, he always did the same "your fakin it " or "there's nothing I can do " stunts while I was having a panic attack. He would actually get mad at me and start yelling at me, which only made my panic worse.
So the moral of my story is, your better off without him. Honey, it's hard, it's very hard. But you can do this. You can be a better off person without this jerk. He needs to treat you with love and concern, not be distant and mean. I think it's actually going to be a good thing that he's gone. You can now find out what you want. You don't need him to live. You are strong and intelligent. Anxiety is just one of our many flaws. And it can be a good thing sometimes.
I have a suggestion for you. I think you and your son should try and finish one of the projects your ex didn't finish. Like start out with the smallest one, the dining room light. Do that and when your done you will feel on top of the world. I know it sounds silly but it will work. You will see that you don't need him to survive. You can do things on your own.
Just remember, you are who God made you to be. Flaws and all. He loves you, and we love you! Keep posting girl. We will help you through this. You can do it. Dont give up!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/28/2008 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
One more thing,
Are you on any medication? My MD prescribed me a mild nerve pill to help me through this time. It might help you to check into that. Also, I think D might be a master maniputator. Take care of yourself okay? Dont worry about him and his feelings because he obviously didn't worry about yours. Try and have a good day honey!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/28/2008 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   

itsokay

I am so sorry that Mom is not able to be more supportive and please don't take to heart the comments about your house.  Niether your Mom or sister has been living your life. Invite your sister to grab a broom and help you get things cleaned up instead of yakking at you.

I have been down your road, I promise as I got married the first time at 17 but had 3 children.  My Mom and Dad came to our house (100 miles from their home) once a month and my Mother always took over and rearranged my kitchen drawers etc. 

I gave up and let her..............so my forks are not in nice neat rows, I knew where they were but as she only had one child to raise, me, and never worked outside the home she knew best.........LOL.

Did we fight?  My Mom and I were like oil and water.  I knew no matter how hard I tried I could never do it good enough to suit her,  yet I never learned to quit trying.  There is that old insecurity of wanting to please others and sacrificing our own self esteem.

You will make it and while your Mom is here maybe you can take some time to make a list of your priorities and see what she thinks.

Let the snide remarks go by and remember what she says can't hurt you if you don't let it.

I am proud of you and I know you are still in shock over this whole situation so give yourself a break, no beating yourself up and know I am here for you.  I understand anxiety very well.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/28/2008 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, lovely ladies. Your words are so calming.

I agree wholeheartedly that it is good he is gone, now comes the hard part of teaching my heart and body that they are really happy about it, too! Because, despite his idiotic inability to do the right thing, there was much good there and I did indeed love him. Now I do not, but I haven't unlearned the feelings yet. I do know that I can live without him, and in fact that I could not live WITH him. But, the pain, she is a, um, a witch with a b.

Your story is intense, thirsty, and I am so glad to hear that you got out and are seeing who you really are. Your baby will never have to hear his mom being talked to like that again. And you will get to shine. And kit, that is sort of a funny story about the forks! But I know what you mean, and I am letting her do her thing, and I need those forks straightened!

Today I wrote a letter to my mother and sister about the things I need help with, and how they could express themselves in more productive ways, including asking me questions if they are worried instead of saying, "Your life is falling apart! You are going to lose everything if you don't pull it together and get a job NOW!" I want to send them links about anxiety, too. My mom said she read about depression, but I;m not actually in too much depression now (fingers crossed).

So, we've already done some of the things on the list, because they were as simple as help me actually mail these bills, since I could NOT make myself mail them. If I can clear out some of these small things, I will feel less stuck, I hope.

I will talk to doc about pills for panic. I know valium helps me. Any other ideas?

machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 6/28/2008 2:28 PM (GMT -7)   
i know one thing my husband could not talk himself out that text,some men think women are stupid that we are a walking emotional wreck, well they cause it, everything is tucked under the rug and forgotten so they think, but we don't, find someone who you deserve it sounds like he is playing with your mind my husband has done this more than once i get so mad, i wish i could be there for you, but sweetie you deserve so much better.

Post Edited (machelle) : 6/28/2008 7:35:12 PM (GMT-6)


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/28/2008 3:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey itsokay,
I'm just making a suggestion here but you need to know it's alright to ask for help. You sometimes need a helping hand (or more than one pair of hands) to get you started. It sounds like you really want to get things done but are so overwhelmed at the mess now, you cant even get started. I am that way too. but the way I get things done is, I'll do one small project at a time. Like, just organize one closet or something like that, and then when I see the results of that one small space I get motivated to do more. I hope this helps you. You are a strong woman. Keep your head high honey!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 6/28/2008 11:45 PM (GMT -7)   

itsokay,

I know that pain, he's an (insert favoured word) but you still love him. That just proves what an amazing person you are. You are right to let him go, but it's still okay to mourn what you had, what could have been if he wasn't (insert word) and to care about what happens for him next. Just know that it isn't your responsibility anymore. Take care of you, and congrats! You are one strong lady yeah


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


MPD
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 6/29/2008 1:06 AM (GMT -7)   
To read what you have been through is almost like reliving my marraige years ago. I know there are thousands of woman who can relate to your story.
What I learnt years ago at a course I attended was:
Draw up 2 columns side by side
The top of the one column Bad (Negetives) and the other Column Good (Positives).
Under each heading write out points it can just be one or 2 wordsand just keep writing. At the end you will see whether the bad outweighs the good, which I am sure it will in your case.
This will give you a good picture of what this realtionship is all about, and where you stand in it.
I have found it works in many aspects of my life.
A friend of mine once said to me if a situation or person in ones life is poison to our system get rid of it/them. I had a friend from school days who was a very jealous person and would always have a nasty remark if I had any good news to tell her she would respond in such a nasty way - at the end of the day she was poison to my system. It took months and months of courage to end this friendship and I did. The relief thereafter was huge.
Good luck.

itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/29/2008 1:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey y'alls. Thanks for the check-ups and check-ins. Bit of a wreck here.

What I want more than anything is to have SOME control over my emotions. I go from feeling glad he's gone, to texting and calling him obsessively, to feeling, as I do right now, terrified that he was ever in my life. Earlier tonight I became convinced that he was sleeping with the woman he texted to last week.

This is me at my very worst. I feel totally unable to manage my emotions, at times. I really thought I was not going to get obsessive and write/call/text him, but I have. Last time was 3 hours ago. I'll take each minute as progress.

Feel ashamed.

itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/29/2008 1:15 AM (GMT -7)   
MPD, your post came in while I was writing mine. That;s a good idea. I should do that next time I try to contact him maybe. Force myself to do that first. The "BAD" would be much longer.

Today one of my few friends came over and helped me pack his stuff up. It was wrenching and i felt sick the whole time. She was pretty cold and not too comforting, just seemed bored with me! Maybe that was good, but after she left I immediately wanted to get in touch with him.

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 6/29/2008 4:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Itsokay,
Hey how are you this morning. that last post has me worried. I will pray for you. You can make it through this. You can do it. Are you on any medicine for anxiety? I think that it might help you through this first initial shock of things. Please hold on and lean on us. Keep posting and let us know how you are. I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs and love your way! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS and LOVE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/29/2008 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I am okay. Sorry.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/29/2008 7:09 AM (GMT -7)   

itsokay

I am going to post a list of assertive rights you have.............now these are just FYI and a good read ok.  I am not saying you must change yourself or am I judging you. I found it very helpful for myself to practice some of these techniques as I was frequently overwhelmed and yet I could never stand up for myself.  I have learned a lot and not I am more assertive. 

Ten assertive rights of an individual

Assertive Right #1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

Assertive Right #2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

Assertive Right #3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems. I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological well-being and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

Assertive Right #4: I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.

Assertive Right #5: I have the right to say, ``I don't know.''

Assertive Right #6: I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.

Assertive Right #7: I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others' goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

Assertive Right #8: I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with ``black or white,'' ``all or none,'' and ``yes or no'' issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.


Assertive Right #9: I have the right to say, ``I don't understand.''

Assertive Right #10: I have the right to say, ``I don't care.''

Gentle Hugs to you.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


itsokay
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 6/29/2008 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok, I read those and I find myself VERY uncomfortable with many of them. Did you when you first saw them? Does anyone else?

Like #2 - I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. whew. I am not at the point where I could do that. if I think someone is unhappy with my behavior, I want to, i BEG to justify it.

3 confuses me. For some reason I resist understanding it. 4, 5, 6, I LOVE.

7 I need to do RIGHT NOW.

8 is a good one, but hard for me. i feel I must prove I am logical.

These are fascinating.

Last night was horrible/wonderful. I saw that D had dropped some things off on my porch and I went into a tizzy, I needed to talk to him, I wanted to be sure he hadn;t come in the house, I couldn't believe he was there, --- all these thoughts fast in my head. I could not think straight. I was going to the store and I kept seeing his car, I thought, with a woman and him. Only it was dark and his car is small and black, so I saw it about 20 times, and it was never him.

At the store i was in a dreamish state. I could not think. i kept trying to call him but my phone was very strange and every call i made, to any number, made no noise. no ring, no voice, but looked like it was going through. i was losing focus and things did not make sense. all i knew was i had to call him. i was not even PRESENT. I swear. What is that? Is that panic? Sometimes I can see myself getting drawn in by anxiety, but I was not even conscious in this period.

I got home and could not get the phone to work. Went on the website and tried to understand what was going on. Found the house phone but it would not work. Started not breathing right, black spots, etc. really bad hyperventilating, arms numb, fingers numb. tried to use the internet to get help somehow- didn't even know what. finally managed to send D some text messages on phone, with many typos from numb fingers. then i realized he was not going to answer so i sent texts begging that he call my sister for me and tell her i was panicking.

Finally he called. I was nearly passed out, which would be fine, right? nothing bad would happen would it? he was angry. tried to calm me down by telling me stop doing this to myself. "you don't have to do this." and I know that is true, and I want to not do it, but it is not a choice. i had one couples therapist we saw tell me, when i went into a panic, "have you ever heard the phrase 'self-indulgent'?" I don't want this. I don't want to be embarrassed after, and feel like a freak or whatever. Why would I choose to do this? for attention? I don't like the attention it brings! It is very new to me to be having so much anxiety and so many panics. I have had low-level anxiety forever, which gets big for certain things, like parties, and keeps me from partaking in many social activities. But never like this.

Anyway we had a long talk, and it was good and bad. Good because I said some important things, after calming down. For example he tried to tell me that the reason he snuck away and didnt tell me he was breaking up was because he thought I'd freak out. I pointed out that 3 or 4 weeks ago, when he broke up with me, I was totally calm and business like. And when he came back, I questioned him carefully and came to the conclusion we could not stay together, but that he could live here until we both had money. I was calm. And the killer point was: "You've done this to many women before, so how can you blame me for it?" After that he did apologize more sincerely and acknowledge he made things worse.

It was bad because in the end he got angry and hung up on me and turned off his phone. and off I went into a Big Reaction because I was being cut off, ignored, pushed away. I become a little child. It reminds me of when my mother was in graduate school, and raising three kids alone, and was writing her thesis to get her PhD. She would lock herself in a room and type. We could not disturb her. I was ages 2-6, and then she started her novel! Another 4 years. As my late brother said, "I hated that typewriter!" I would sit outside the room, and pound on the door. Not One Word from her. Just type type type type. I would cry. I would wail. I would YELL. I would crumple to the ground, my hand around the doorknob. I would sit there for hours.

Later there were other things. Always books, newspapers, or her students' papers she was grading. Always something in front of her face. I remember throwing pencil erasers at the newspaper in front of her face. The worst was when she got into meditation and Eastern religion. We;d go on these "Retreats" where she would be silent for days. some sort of Yoga practice. Not a word. For days. I would beg her to talk to me, and she would smile down at me like Mona Lisa, and smooth my hair, and put her finger to her lips. At my father's, he was a master of the silent treatment and when angry would not speak, sometimes for days. You didn;t know who he was angry at. He still does that to me. Last time was 2 years ago, last time I saw him. He was visiting and got angry at me and didn't talk for the next three days. at meals. in the car. everywhere we went he did not speak to me.

So I called and called and sent numerous text messages asking him to please not shut me off, please please don't do this, etc... Finally I told him that if he had no respect for me I was going to have no respect for his belongings, and if he did not call me back I would load his things in the truck and go dump them somewhere. It hurt him very badly when some of his exes did stuff like that, and I was just trying to manipulate him. I don't know why I get in this state when I think that if I get angry he will do what I want! It didn't work when I pounded on my mother's door, and it doesn't work now.

I went in the next room. where the boxes of his things are. And I knew that I had no desire to hurt him or hurt his things. I am not like that. I really am not. And I saw that there is this outer me - the one that gets angry when ignored, that makes threats like that, and pushes people away. I am sure this had a lot to do with us not working out. He was certainly inconsiderate, but I was not always able to stop this anger reaction, after the desperate one. What if I had stayed calm and drew boundaries ?

Anyway, I had a very huge moment of clarity about my own stuff. I saw how this desperation/anger comes out when I feel that I am not heard - like at work, or at a store or etc. It is not usually as intense as with D. or other boyfriends, but on rare occasions it gets very bad. And it is not my daily self. My son says that I don't raise my voice and that me shouting is when I say queitly, "I'm disappointed that you said that." But when I feel endangered by abandonment or not being heard, I first plead and then get angry. It all seemed so clear.

So I left him an apoloigy. and wrote a long email speaking of my regret for having this issue, and seeing for the first time how big it is and how it must hurt those near me.

I felt very calm after that. I felt very ready to let him go completely. But then I realized I also ( EDIT) ! And I knew I should ask for help. But it was tricky. I knew that I did not want to hurt myself, but I had a calm, certain feeling that it was hopeless for me to continue, that I had ruined too much and could not get the help I needed to change. I knew I had to call someone and let them know I was feeling this strange calmness. Call mom? No. she will freak and it will get worse. Sister? same. D? If he DID get the message, he would just call the police, and I knew I didn't need that. I finally called a friend, even though it was near 5 am. She is very special. She has all the same types of depression and anxiety, plus more - chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and PCOS and is often very sick, but she is amazingly wise. I woke her up, and she was as calm as a surgeon. She totally understood that I did not need a hospital or a police car. She has had the same quiet voice, and so she was not afraid. We talked for two hours, and she not only made me feel ok, and told me how she handled it when she got the calm urge to (EDIT), but she totally explained to me why D ran away.

One of the things that is so hard about his running away, other than triggering my abandonment panic, is that I have been trying to figure out why. Cause I'm overweight? Not glamorous? He never loved me? Was using me? Is abusive? I could not reconcile the good that I felt with him, and his declarations of love and all of that, with the meanness of his leaving. I knew we had problems, for sure, but to leave like that? So cruelly? But somehow my friend understood and explained it all to me, and it made such sense. She acknowledged the sadness of what could have been, if he had been strong enough to go to the special counseling, and lamented that he is not able to. And it all made so much sense. She also helped me figure out some steps to take to get the help I need to change this emotional reaction to breakin g uo. I have been very worried that I will not be able to fight it off, and my son, house, etc. all depend on me to do so. I feel I cannot give up or give in to it right now, which was making the anxiety higher.

Anyway, along with my loving, warm goodbye to D. and her helping me see that he is not evil but broken, and I am not totally at fault, I felt my NEED to talk to him simply vanish. And that calm voice like feeling that the only answer was to ? It was gone totally gone.

I feel so much ligher today. Of course, I do not have any way of knowing if I can keep it up. But I feel I now understand why D is gone. In truth, I had already done much of the work of letting go a month ago when I knew I could not live with his unreliability and coldness, so it is not as hard as it could be. And now I feel I understand better thanks to my friend's words. Also, I think I really DID need to hear him apologize. And I really needed to say goodbye.

So, oddly, it all came out ok. I then cleaned my room and went to sleep - both things that have been impossible to do since he left. My mother woke me up half an hour later and this turned into ANOTHER fascinating discussion which revealed much to me.

This is an interesting time for sure. I am learning a lot- from you all, from friends, from me. And, in case you are worried, I am seeing my old therapist tomorrow and will call her now, to tell her of that calm feeling I had about ?. Just in case. I thought she should know. So no worryin'
 
**Edited just a couple of words again due to age of members ( 13) on HW
You can email me if you have any questions plz.........LYN

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 7/1/2008 10:44:57 AM (GMT-6)


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 6/29/2008 4:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Itsokay,

Sorry I've missed stepping in to encourage and support you. What you're facing is very hard, but you're getting clearer all the time about understanding yourself and your relationship.

Those abandonment triggers you described from your childhood sound horrible! What a nightmare for a young child who just wants to be held, comforted, and recognized.

Unfortunately, I remember something similar from my college days: I was dating a guy who apparently decided to break it off without telling me. When I went to his place, he had jammed the lock so that my key wouldn't work. I screamed and pounded and begged for half an hour and he didn't respond. I am ashamed I had so little self-respect that I did that in an apartment building where dozens of people could hear. That was the first of my many mishandlings of being cut off in a relationship. I seemed to pick several more guys afterwards with the same ugly pattern of freezing me out if they didn't feel like dealing with me. I hope you'll give such fellows the boot more quickly and effectively than I did.

I'm glad you've made the choice you have. He was not treating you with the respect a partner deserves. Remember that you don't have to go through the lonely times alone: you've got your mother and sister (conflicts and all), your good friends, and all of us here.

Bless,
percycat
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
32 posts in this thread.
Viewing Page :
 1  2 
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 11:01 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,364 posts in 301,110 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151248 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Lippu.
250 Guest(s), 9 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
MDNative, 0311, msOuchie, Hungrydude, roisin86, Mokes, noah600, (Seashell), julymorning


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer