Today is the Day!!!

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thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/3/2008 9:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Well today is the big day for the date with my husband.  I have been talking to him almost every night.  I really do love him, and I want things to work for us.  I want our marriage to work.  But that fear is still there in the back of my mind wispering that he will be the same.  I have faith in him that he will change though. He has stopped physically abusing me and he quit dipping.  Two things that I thought would never happen.  I feel like I'm going nuts here.  It's so strange for me to be around people all the time. I am quite the hermate at home.  I rarely venture out of my cave where everything is safe and familiar.  Here at Daddy's someone is always here.  My little step brother or my step momma or Daddy.  It's very weird to be here after I have been gone for three years with a life of my own.  But anyway.
  We are going to a funeral visitation first before our date.  A man from our church passed away yesterday from cancer.  I'm not sure how good of a date this will be because of that.  I get really tore up about things like this, which I guess is normal.  We don't know where we are going or what we are going to do but I am exited to see how things go.  I really hope we can reconnect.  But what if we don't?  What if I don't?  I guess I still need more time.  My job is going really well but I dont make near enough money to support me and my son.  He's only two but he eats like he's 16.  If I got a full time job I would have to hire a baby sitter which would cancel out my pay check.  They are very expensive here.  I desperately want my own place.  My own space.  I am used to having a big house that is all my own.  And here I cant do my cleaning, my way.  Like, I am very OCD about the way I clean and do laundry.  It makes me cringe when someone does it differently. 
   Oops, I have been rambling.  Sorry.  I guess maybe I should start a journal instead of posting so much.  But I really like that this journal here talks to me.  I have always wanted a journal that talked back to me and gave me advice.  Now I have one here!  Thankyou all so much for alll you have done for me.  I will never forget any of you.  I will probably be a member here until I kick the bucket.  Which unless I let the stress kill me, will be a long, long time!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/3/2008 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
You post as much as you need to and want to
get it all off your head and chest
You have alot going on and it is needed
to get it out to ppl that DO understand IMHO

I know you so desperately want this to work and for you I hope it will
I if it were me would want him to have classes in anger management and prolly some good marriage counselling
YES ppl DO change and they make or try to make up for what they have done but sometimes it is so easy to revert back to old habits ya know

As for the visitation tonight prior to the date that is really nice of you to be thinking of that persons family I believe and I would try to leave it after it is over ya know keep it in the back of your head but dont let it take over the DATE......
.you dont want to be sad and not really "with" your date right
This is a time for you both to clear things up get all out in the open
 
I really do understand your need and want for your own place I am severe OCD and I have to have things done a certain way or my day is thrown into tizzy
I am sure you could find some subsidising for child care and that would realy help with the money
IF you do not get back together and you are still finding your own place I would have him pay support
He sounds like he would do that ,,,,,,,,

Talk about your future plans and the changes you have BOTH gone thru

I really do wish you all the best hun I do
Know that we are all with you in Spirit

Let us know how it goes tomorrow if you dont mind
Thinking and praying for you ........hoping all you want does come to be .......

LYN


  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                               FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
         Be Well All and Stay With Us We are Here To Help
                               LYN 
   
 
                   
 

Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 7/3/2008 11:07:40 AM (GMT-6)


Junebug05
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 717
   Posted 7/3/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -7)   
I want to wish you the best of luck with your date tonight.  Try and leave the "what-if's" at home and just see how things play out.  Don't go with expectations or that things will be fixed tonight, just take small steps and let things unfold as they do.  I hope you have a great time and come home with a better idea of what direction you are going, it's so hard to live in limbo! 

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 7/3/2008 4:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Thirsty!

I expect by this time, you're out and about, and I hope you and your hubby are getting some clear, open communication with each other about what you both need in order to reconcile.

We'll all be here to hear how it went!

Love and prayers,
percycat

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/3/2008 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   

Thirsty,

I wish you the best tonight and I hope at the end of the evening you have a better idea of which direction your life is headed.

Please do leave the "what ifs" at home. Just be you which is my mind is a kind, caring and very determined young woman.  One step at a time, OK?

I agree going to a visitation is a good thing to do for your friend's family.

Bless you and relax, life has a way of working out.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 7/4/2008 12:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Thirsty,

I trust that you will make the right decision for you and your son. Having recently been confronted with an abusive ex-husband (as I now think of him) I cannot help but be concerned for you putting yourself back in there if he hasn't changed. Having said that I believe you are a smart compassionate woman who will look after herself. Yes you!

If you decide to start up again with this relationship then please do it slowly, build up the trust and make sure he has changed all those behaviours that made you want to leave.

Regardless, you will be okay. You have family support, you have a lovely son, and you have us too of course! Please let us know how you go and know how much we care. I worry about you. Please email me if you need, and of course;

good luck and have fun hon!

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/4/2008 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone! My date went well last night. We had alot of obsticles. We got lost, and the strap on my favorite dress broke. We got pulled over in Tennesee (we live in Kentucky) and got a ticket for not having our registration. you dont have to have that in Kentucky but oh well. That's us for ya! So we talked alot and he seems genuine. He was very sweet and affectionate. He bought me a dress since the strap broke on mine. That was just a perk because I am not a material girl. I'm all about the love. "Cant buy me love, love oh" Thats the Beatles!! Anyway I've got to go to the funeral this morning and that's not going to be fun. I'll be crying my eyes out. I wasn't close to this man or his wife but I am close with his step son and all of his grandkids. They are all so sweet. I really feel for the kids, I know what it feels like to lose a grandparent when your that young. I just want to hug them gor hours. But anyway about the date. Even though it went really well I still have those what if's. I cant seem to feel the same about him. I dont know what to do yet. I guess I should take it very very slow. I'll write more later. I've gotta go get ready for the funeral.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/4/2008 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear thirsty,

What a fun date, you made memories, you went to a visitation, your dress strap broke, and you got pulled over by the pokice.......... yeah .

I am glad you went and that you have recognized for you this is going to be a slow process.  You are very wise young lady.

How nice of you to attend the funeral.  Hug those little guys, they need it.  Death is hard to face at every age.  We sometimes forget the kids as we don't give them  credit for understanding what has happened. Bless your heart for being there.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 7/4/2008 8:34 PM (GMT -7)   

TFC,

What a date! Wow, and you got a new dress too sweetie! Bonus! Sorry about the funeral, I know that can be tough on everyone, regardless of how close you are to the deceased. Please let us know how you are feeling .. we raelly care

Hugs,

Megs


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/5/2008 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
The funeral was very sad but I got through it without a panic attack. The man's wife was crying so hard that I cried too. It was hard, and I did get to hug the kids alot. They were all so sad it breaks my heart.
I got to see Jonathan again though. He was very supportive of me when usually he always got mad at me for crying when I didn't really know the deseased person. I think he's finally seeing how extrememly sensitve I am. And after the funeral we went to see my Granny and he was very sweet there. I had to go to work, yes on a holiday, so I took a nap since I was drained from crying. Then I went to work and it was soooo slow I was bored out of my mind. But anyway, I still don't know what to do about Jonathan. I really love him and I really think he's genuine but I just am not ready to go back to him yet. I have to go clean up a huge mess my puppy made here. I just lost all concentration when my step momma told me that. I'll write more later. sorry so short.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/5/2008 10:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I may suggesst taking it real real slow
YOUR gut is telling you something for a reason here

I am a firm believer in listening to your gut no just your heart

NOT saying dont give him another chance am saying really really think hard and long

Perhaps make a list of the pro's and cons if you do go back or you dont

Just my humble opinion

Keep us posted k

Luvs
LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
                  Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
               Look For The GOOD,Even At Your Lowest 
   
 
                   
 


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/5/2008 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I have to be at work at 4 so I dont have alot of time but I really need to vent a little. I am so tired and exahsted. I mean in all ways possible. My body, mind, and soul are exahsted. I cant believe I'm not dead yet. I have IBS and it has really been bad lately. I also have an undiagnosed pain in my upper right side of my abdomen, right under the ribs. The doc says it's all negative after many tests. The pain is awful and with all this emotional stress I almost cant function. I am working but I dont get paid much at all and that is a huge let down. I love my husband but I am afraid of the way things might turn out. Plus after the death of the man I talked about earlier, my faith is shaken. He had cancer and me and my church were all praying and believing that God would heal him. But he didn't. Why? And now I'm thinking, if God didn't come through for him, why would he come through for me? What am I going to do? Why is everything so hard to figure out? Why cant I just be shown the right way to go? What am I going to do? My anxiety is coming back. I had it pretty bad last night though I masked it with tiredness. I couldn't tell my husband, I dont know why. I guess I'm afraid that if I say what I'm afraid of, it will happen. I am so confused. I had a firm faith in God. A firm faith in my marraige. A firm faith in my family and now all of it is being blown to peices. What is real and what is false? Who am I? And what if there is no God at all? I am so scared and I feel so guilty for doubting God. But how am I supposed to feel when my whole world is crashing in around me? There is nobody to turn to and nobody that understands (outside of all of you). I feel like I'm being manipulated by everyone and I dont know who to believe or trust. Who is real and who is fake? What is my purpose in this life? Do I even have one? Am I good enough for anyone or anything? Do I deserve my son? Do I even deserve to live? I am feeling so desperate and alone in this world. I feel like everything and everyone is against me. I feel like there is nothing an no one who can save me. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to have a pity party. I am just so confused. So .... I dont know what to do. Maybe I'm just depressed. I hope I get my period soon though. I am a day late and I'm hoping that it's just the stress that is doing this. If I'm pregnant again I really dont know what I'll do!!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/5/2008 2:55 PM (GMT -7)   

Thirsty, Big deep breath and let it out.  Let all the anxiety go..........the world never stays the same, time keeps moving and God does not grant us everything we pray for.  If he did  we would all be happy, no wars or famines, no floods or hurricanes, no need for nurses and Doctors.  I think you know this, you are just upset right now.

Remember God helps those who help themselves and I frequently offer my prayers for the survivors of the patient that died of cancer.  So He is listening to your prayers.  I know this man would have wanted all to gather around his family.

Your feeling overwhelmed right now so stop the thinking and let go of the spinning thoughts, get off the merry-go-round for a bit and just sit quietly.

In the famous words of a wise man, "My Momma always said, life is like a box of chocolates........"

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 7/5/2008 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Thirsty,

I think Kitt's advice sounds very solid and will help you right now. I just want you to know that I really do care about you and how you're doing and what happens to you. This is an extremely hard time for you right now, but I'm right here with you along with the rest of your HW friends.

percycat

nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 7/5/2008 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   

TFC,

Honey, your brain is going whirlygig again! Try and write these thoughts down (in my opinion it helps)...and rate them as what needs to be addressed today and what can wait. Don't let yourself become so overwhelmed, it sounds like you are a sweet beautiful soul and I would hate to see you be taken advantage of for being so caring.

As Lyn suggested, slow, gentle steps are the best way to go. We don't get to choose who we fall in love with...

But we can choose self respect. I hope that you feel a little better soon..

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 7/6/2008 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay right now things are going good with my husband. He spent the night with me last night here at Daddy's and he's here now. He's being very sweet and I can tell he genuinly loves me. But I think we still need more time. Right now though my anxiety is horrible. I have been very depressed all day and now it's turned into anxiety. I am afraid that my son or me or my husband is going to get sick. Like throwing up sick and that scares me. I know when that happens I totally freak out. Thats what set off this new batch of anxiety back in Febuary. Me and my son got a stomach virus and it totally made me go bizerk. I dont know why! There's no reason for it and there's no explination to why this freaks me out except that I'm afraid of being alone and sick. I cant stand this. I think maybe that this is worse because I got my period this morning. I hope I feel better soon. I dont know what to do. I need help. I need a therapist. I may make an appointment for one tommorow. I dont know what to do. Any advice?
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man"  -Casting Crowns

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