Hi there, well I can tell one huge thing from your post.
You keep giving yourself negative reinforcements and the subconscious is going to believe everything you tell it.
How do I know this, well because I'm the queen of being negative and telling myself I can't succeed or will never get better
Of course we need to be realistic and know we will have anxiety until the day we are off this planet, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer from it. Choosing to suffer from anxiety is all our choice.
What books have you read?
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where we take it one panic attack at a time
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places