Lost my cousin to cancer

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 8/2/2008 11:35 PM (GMT -7)   
 My sweet mom called today. She gave me the bad news that my younger cousin, who was 48 died on Thursday. I cried so hard. The whole family is going to be together to say good bye and I can't go because of our safety issues. I am soooo fed up with all this. I want sooo much to be with them all ... families are supposed to be together at times like these. Over the last 12 years I've missed all of it... the weddings, the baptisms, the funerals, . I want to be with them and I can't. I can't tell my aunt how much I am hurting for her loss. I want to hug her and comfort her. I want to hold my mom and my sister and never let go... ... My beautiful cousin was full of life... she battled cancer for almost 10 years. I wasn't able to say goodbye to her ... to anyone. I gave my mom a hug 12 years ago and then had to flee. I have felt  like my legs and arms have been cut off ever since. We were such a close family.
 Mom and my sister know where we are now... have just recently felt safe enough to call them after all this time.They still can't tell anyone where we are or that they are in touch with me. I thank God for that I can at least hear their voices..... But for the rest of my family , my girls and I don't exist anymore. I feel sooo sad... and angry, very angry. I can't stop crying.
 I saw my baby grandaughter today and managed to stop crying so I wouldn't upset my sweet Kat.Had a panic attack after she left .Tried to have a rest but couldn't stop thinking mordid thoughts.  Life is so hard. I feel afraid for Kat and what life will make her endure. ... and for my daughters who have suffered so much already... and for my family back home. I just want to scream.... I want to go home! I've been having nightmares lately of my mom dying and of not being to attend her funeral. !!!I wake up every morning  crying and shaking! My insides are hurting so much,,and my outsides hurt too. I feel really alone and helpless.
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 8/3/2008 12:44 AM (GMT -7)   
so sorry for your loss, i can relate my grandparents and my parent fought for 10 years and i never got to see them till a month before my grandmother passed from breast cancer i never got to know her at all and i feel that part of my life is empty, i know your in a different circumstance but i am here if you need someone to talk to ever, everyone on here is so sweet and always have been here for me. i am truly sorry your missing your family maybe sometime soon you all will be together again. i send you sympathies for loosing a family member and the best wishes to you too and your girls.

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/3/2008 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
OMG..Is This ever going to end for you ??
My sweet friend
'I am so sorry and I am so sad for all that is happening
I would be angry too in all honesty
Hun I know that telling you to try and calm down is useless BUT I am seriously worried about you
These dreams hun I know all too well and I dont like them and they did come to the point of Dad going...
I have to be totally honest with you I always am
FRIEND plz do get some therapy STAT
Maybe your daughters would benefit as well
Take some time ( I KNOW it is not the same) to have a small memorial for her just you's

I can feel the pain, hurt,anguish and ANGER in you and rightfully so..........
BUT plz do let us help you thru this as much as we possibly can and you know all of will do our best

My greatest wish and prayers for you is that soon you WILL be able to be around your family w/o fear or worry
I cannot imagine not having been able to hug Mom or dad before they left to meet their Maker
Tears are streaming down my face sweety
I am so truly sorry for your loss
Email me plz .........
I will be out with Cait for a bit today she is home now but I will check back in okay
My love from my heart is with you so is my thoughts and prayers

Luv
God Bless
your friend..........LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
Moderator @ Alzheimer's,Co Mod @ Anxiety/ Panic,Co Mod @ Crohns 
 
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
               Look For The GOOD,Even At Your Lowest
 
     Listen To Your Heart,Look Inside Yourself,Understand You
 
 
 
                    


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 8/3/2008 8:55 PM (GMT -7)   

I am so sorry Mary, I am also very angry on your behalf. I cannot imagine how awful this must be for you. You did not ask for any of this and it just keeps raining down on you..I can't imagine the worry and fear you must feel not being close to your family. This is just so unfair.

Sweet Mary, I think Lyn might be right about getting some therapy. This is too big for you to cope alone. You should not have to be this strong. No one should. Know that you are in my prayers, in my thoughts. I will light a candle for you and one for your cousin. Please know how much we love and care about you.

(((huge hugs for you special lady)))

Meg.


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:30 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Mary,

I am so sorry to hear of the death in your family..................I do not know why bad things happen to good people.  I know you are a good person and you are being dealt some very difficult hands lately.

Her Journey's Just Begun

Don't think of her as gone away -
Her journey has just begun
Life holds many facets
The Earth is only one
Just think of her as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years
Think how she must be wishing
That we could know today
How nothing but our sadness
can really pass away
And think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched
For nothing loved is ever lost-
And she was loved so much.

~ Ellen Brenneman

My deepest sympathy to you and your family.
Gentle Hugs
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/5/2008 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi sweety
Glad we yakked for a bit this am
I know you are still in pain but let yourself rest and the
days will get better
Luvs
LYN

Beautiful words lil sis ........Big sis
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
Moderator @ Alzheimer's,Co Mod @ Anxiety/ Panic,Co Mod @ Crohns 
 
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
               Look For The GOOD,Even At Your Lowest
 
     Listen To Your Heart,Look Inside Yourself,Understand You
 
 
 
                    


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 8/5/2008 9:39 PM (GMT -7)   

Mary,

I am still sending plenty of hugs your way (they just might be on time-delay - so watch out). Keep fighting, keep your head above water. We support you.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


Nanners
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 8/6/2008 4:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Marie please know that you and your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. By the way, you are never alone, you will always have all of us. (((HUGS)))

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 32 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec 60 mg, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and doing tests to see if I have Inflammatory Arthritis or AS.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/6/2008 5:44 PM (GMT -7)   

Mary,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and please know many of us know what your going through.  Gentle hugs to you.

Love,
KItt


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 8/7/2008 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mary - I haven't followed all your posts so I don't know what sort of safety issues are keeping you from your family. If it is witness protection I can't offer you much advice. But if it is a domestic violence situation or the like you may wish to speak with your local victim witness advocate or your local police department. Where I live they will provide safety escorts on occassion for special circumstances. If you wanted to attend a funeral but were afraid an ex would be there you may be able to get a safety escort. I hope that helps.
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 8/8/2008 9:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Fitz....and everyone... You are all so sweet. I don't know what I'd do without you!!! You are my lifeline. How I wish I could have been with my family during this time... There is just no way I could be there.
To make a long story short.... my ex was wanted for murdering my step son.... he also was charged with the sexual abuse of both my then 4 and 5 year old daughters(for which he basically got a slap on the wrist). The police and woman's shelter helped us get away. It was 12 years ago... and it has been soooo hard. He was not convicted of murder because our small town police didn't have quite enough evidence even though they are absolutely sure that he did it. My 4 year old daughter had become obsessed with his death 2 weeks prior to it... she said that her father had told her that her half brother would die...that he would kill him etc... we were in the shelter ... she couldn't eat, couldn't sleep ... was just a mess.... and then it happened. We were issued out of there PDQ. ... and have been with a program similar to witness protection... they however will not support any type of contact with family in any way. They have had too many breaches because of it. We've opted to leave the program about two years ago... I couldn't stand not being able to call home . My mom was 80 years old and I wanted to talk to her again... so the girls and I bit the bullet and chanced it. Mom and dad, and my sister are very very careful. We communicate by phone, but when asked they always say they haven't heard from us in over 12 years. what has been sooo hard to accept is the unfairness of it all. We've had to lose everything and everyone to stay safe, while his life has continued la di da!. I can't stop to think about it too often ... I get either very depressed or very angry... neither of which is any good!
Thank you all for your understanding and support. You have no idea how MUCH it means to me that you are here. Love you all.
Tired old Mary (lately)
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/9/2008 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
How you making out my friend
I am thinking bout you and praying for you always

Your friend

Luvs
God Bless

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
                                    Donate at  www.healingwell.com
 
Moderator @ Alzheimer's,Co Mod @ Anxiety/ Panic,Co Mod @ Crohns 
 
                                    FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE
               Look For The GOOD,Even At Your Lowest
 
     Listen To Your Heart,Look Inside Yourself,Understand You
 
 
 
                    


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 8/10/2008 8:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow! Big hugs Marie. What a sacrifice you made indeed. Only you know what your true risk level is and only you can decide when and if to speak or see family. If he has zero contact with your family than maybe having them visit you would be ok. I agree that you should not go to see them. But if you think there is any chance he follows them then it would not be worth it. I'm sure it was very hard to retell that story. Kudos to you for getting out. If it wouldn't blow your cover you should think about doing speaking engagements for women, like through the y, or at high schools, or even at shelters. That you CAN get away. You are one very impressive lady!
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/11/2008 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Old Tired Mary,

Hey there sweetie, just want to give you a warm hug this morning. I believe you have made the right choice and the pain and heartache will always be there but look at how far you have come.

Now you have us too.

You can always email me......................... I will always listen and I will never judge.

In friendship,

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Syn
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/11/2008 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, my heart aches for you. I will be sending my prayers your way. Just remember that life dishes out bad stuff once in awhile, but it's all for a reason. Whether to learn from or force us to be a stronger individual. The reasons you will have to find for yourself. I don't think anyone should go through as much hell as you have - but clearly you are a STRONG woman. I'm praying for you!

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 8/11/2008 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Mary,

Just sending lots of love and prayers your way. I'm so sorry for all the fear and loneliness you've had to endure.

percycat

Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 8/11/2008 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much everyone. I don't consider myself a strong woman... my health was sooo precarious when we left and it has only gotten worse since then. But I know that both my daughters are extremely courageous and strong... they amaze me. They've managed to stay positive, kind and considerate through all of it and I am so , so , so proud of them.
The loneliness hits me from time to time... as does the anger.... but for the most part, my girls and I are pretty happy . I have PTSD issues to deal with... but that doesn't dominate the day... it comes and goes... and we make the most of the rest of the time we have together. Now I have my beautiful grandaughter that adds so much joy and laughter in my life.
And then , there is all of YOU. ! what strength and comfort you give me... I am truly blessed ! and love you all.
Kitt, I may take you up on your offer to email you... I'd love to share some photos of my 2 beautiful girls and mischievious grandaughter with you.
Much love...
Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, December 05, 2016 9:54 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,001 posts in 301,075 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151228 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Acro1010.
319 Guest(s), 11 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
damo123, RDP74, tickbite666, AnxiousTexan, NiceGuyEddie, iho, NiceCupOfTea, Melg, Fairwind, snowboat, multifacetedme


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer