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thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/10/2008 8:55 PM (GMT -7)   
confused   sad confused sad sad sad Just when things were starting to go good and my anxiety was calming down, WAM, and here I am again.  My son had diareah and now I am freaking out worrying about if he's gonna get sick.  And if he gets sick, will I get it too?  And then will Jonathan get it as well?  I am so scared of this.  Rather than gaining weight it is my biggest fear.  And I know this all sounds so stupid because even if we did get sick, it would be over in about a week.  And then we would be fine again.  So then why, if I know that, am I so scared of getting sick?  I'm not scared of getting a cold or anything like that, it's the stomach bugs that scare me so much.  I dont know what to do.  I dont think I'm gonna get any sleep and I am already so tired from working all day.  Plus I have to work tommorow and I have to fix my den before I go to work.  I just had this really bad feeling about painting our den, but I didn't mention it to Jonathan.  I just knew that if we did this, we would get sick.  And now I'm afraid we are.  Plus, my therapist had me to turn on a certain lamp, that I refuse to turn on because I know if I turn it on we will get sick.  So I have been leaving it on since Thursday.  And now this.  I told her I shouldn't turn on that stupid lamp.  I'm gonna burn it.  I hate this so much.  If I'm not depressed I am completely anxious and wired.  I just dont get it.  It's like I'm noctornal or something.  I guess I need some different meds.  But I will have to wait until I go see that eating disorder doc.  I just dont even know if I can make it all the way to his office.  It's in Nashville and I have never driven there by myself, or even at all.  I have never driven in a crouded town like that.  Or on an interstate.  I dont know if I can do it.  And I cant have somebody take me because my husband cant take off work anymore and I dont want to tell anyone else in my family.  They cannot be trusted with this.  I could ask my mother-in-law, but she betrayed my trust when she told all of my family about my eating disorder when my and Jonathan were seperated.  So I am either gonna have to drive myself, or tell somebody.  Either way is so scary and anxiety triggering.  Plus, I dont want to gain weight.  I want to lose it.  I need to lose so much more.  I just dont want anyone to stop me because I have enough trouble staying on a diet without someone constantly pushing food in my face.  I just dont know. I am so exausted with all of this.  I need some major help and I dont know what to do.  I just feel like going to bed and never ever getting up.  I really would do that if it weren't for my son.  I cant abandon him like that.  Which is why I think I am so stressed.  Because I know, that no matter how bad I feel, he is still going to need me.  And how am I supposed to raise a good healthy kid when I am so screwed up myself?  I dont know what to do.  I am so tired.  I dont know how much longer I can function like this.  I dont know when, but I feel a major meltdown coming on.  A meltdown I might not make it through.  I am so scared.  I'm sorry for whining and complaining.  I just dont know what to do or where to go.  I just know that I need yall so much right now.                
                               Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


percycat
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 8/11/2008 4:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Rachel,

I'm here for you and am so sorry that you're having such a battle right now. You've got an overwhelming combination of things happening and it's tough to fight anxiety on so many different fronts. The loss of sleep will make you feel even worse too, as I'm sure you know.

Remember that you are important and valuable and that you will make it through this. The eating disorder is doing its best to tear you apart, but you will beat it and come out better and healthier afterwards. Your son is learning about compassion from you, and it's okay to be weak sometimes. You are a great mom and a dear, sweet person.

Love and prayers,
percycat

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/11/2008 5:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh thanks Percycat,
It's funny because I was posting on your thread the same time you were posting on mine. hehe. I am trying to hang in there. Just feeling hopeless with myself. I'm going to try and get something better as far as medicine goes, after i see this new doc. My therapist refered me to him. He is not a psychdoc just a eating disorder specialist. But he can give me perscriptions for meds. Hopefully he can help. I just dont want to gain weight. I've already been up to 120 for about a week. It varies everyday though. I guess weight is supposed to do that.? But thanks for being there for me. As I said in your post, im here for you too! Love to you!!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


peacesoul
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 8/11/2008 6:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rachel
 
Is your therapist also treating you for eating disorders?
It seems to be you may have Body dysmorphic disorder. Have you ever read up on that?
 
 
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/11/2008 6:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I haven't heard of that peacesoul. And my counselor has refered me to a doctor who speacializes in eating disorders. I haven't went yet because I am terrified to go. I do not want to gain weight. Anyway I will look up that disorder on the net. Thanks for your input. Love to you!!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


peacesoul
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 8/11/2008 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Rachel, I'm not one to sugar coat anything. I'm just too darn old for that now, so let me say this. You truly need to work on your eating disorder along side your anxiety.
Your diet is very unhealthy therefore creating your unhealthy situation. Being scared of seeing a new therapist is normal, but you need to find the strength to fight this now.

Your anxiety, depression and ocd will never get well as long as you consume unhealthy foods and don't get help for your eating disorder

on your side and wishing you health

Jen
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/11/2008 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Rachel,

I am in complete agreement with Peacesoul on this as I was just reading up on this very disorder yesterday. 

Here is the link to the site I was using:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/body-dysmorphic-disorder/DS00559

You have my support but please start to work on getting well and work with the CBT online I posted to you if you cannot get to therapist in person.

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/11/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Peacesoul and Kitt,
I know I need to work on the eating disorder but I dont know how. I have been talking to my therapist about it and I'm going to go see that speacialist. I dont know what else to do. I've read books and tried just eating healthy but nothing works. I've tried praying and just ignoring my thoughts about being fat but I just cant get over it. I know it drives everyone crazy. I have researched all I can about anorexia on the web and at libraires. Nothing has helped so far. I'm sorry for being so weak and whiny.
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


peacesoul
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 8/11/2008 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Sweetie, you're not weak.
With all due respect to your religion, praying cannot make you eat better. You need your own might and will to want to get better. God, The Universe or whatever you believe in cannot help unless you have the will to want to get better.

Never mind the weight for now, what you can do to start is stop ALL caffeine. You need to get that drug out of your system for now. Can you start by one small step and take coffee or any other caffeine out of your diet?
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/11/2008 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh dear peacesoul,
I haven't had anything but coffee today. I dont know if I can do that one. I drink coffee every morning or I dont function right. I'm an addict I know. But I dont drink anything else with caffine in it. I just drink water, and coffee. I can try to cut back for now. Can I start that one tommorow? I dont have to work tommorow so I can stay home all day. I will try some decaf coffee in the morning. How does that sound?
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


marthamae
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 8/11/2008 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel, I had surgery on my esophagus last year and due to complications I had to stop all foods but Slim-Fast type drinks cold turkey. I couldn't get anything down at all. No other foods. I was a coffee and soda addict. Now I can only drink weak coffee mixed half with 2% milk. It's been 9 months. I eat pretty normal now, but still no soda or juices.

My point is, you CAN do whatever you have to do.

When I was trying to maintain my weight due to my illness, I had to figure out how many calories I needed each day. Then I built six small meals around those calories. The doctor said this the right plan whether you are trying to lose OR gain or maintain weight. Plan your food each day and make it happen.

Try it in baby steps.

First, plan out the right snacks and food to eat. Then for a week, try to eat the right stuff twice per day.

Add another meal/snack each week. Make plans to get to the grocery so you have what you need...and also the right stuff for your family. They can eat what you are eating.

Don't give up...you can do it....keep seeing your therapists....they will help get your mind set in the right place.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/11/2008 1:28 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Right on.  You are absolutely right.  You had the surgery and you had No choices.  I know which surgery you had and it is painful too so your meal plan was something that had to be a priiority for you.
 
Great advice Rachael, and no don't put off until tommorw because that just sets you up for giving yourself permission to put off your goals instead of sticking to the healing process.
 
Break the habit and start a healthy eating plan by taking charge and  start with the coffee.
 
Kitt wink   

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Post Edited (stkitt) : 8/11/2008 5:43:03 PM (GMT-6)


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 8/11/2008 2:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel,

I had to make some big dietary changes when I was diagnosed with acid reflux. It had caused me breathing problems that were so frightening, and in the beginning, I had a hard time believing my doctor that there wasn't something more serious wrong with me ((now I'm back to some of that, as you know). But she inspired my trust, and I made a commitment to myself that I would not let myself eat even one thing on the taboo list if I could help it. I had to sit with myself for a long time just concentrating on that commitment before I really felt it rather than knowing it was something I "should" do. It helped so much.

In fact, once I gave myself permission to deviate and experiment a little with my diet, all the walls fell down, and now I'm grappling with the breathing stuff again to the point where it's hard to tell myself it's only reflux. I've got to get back on that wagon and stay away from the bad foods because they do me no good in the long run.

My experience is: commit to yourself that you're going to do exactly what your doctor says and don't give yourself permission to choose otherwise. I know that you are an incredibly strong woman, and you can do this. It honestly did work to get me started.

Love and prayers,
percycat

PS - Be ready for some withdrawal symptoms from caffeine. After about the 3-4th day, you may feel pretty lousy - maybe headaches, or grumpy, or hopeless. That will pass by the end of about 7-8 days altogether, or at least that's how it was for me.

peacesoul
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 8/11/2008 4:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel, start when you feel comfortable doing it. I was thinking about you today while I was at therapy. The comment that you said you're weak.
Weakness is when one lives in denial and never tries. You do neither. You're not weak. You're broken and need to be fixed. Being broken is not a weakness at all.

If a dr told you she/he had a wonder drug that if you took you would feel AWESOME every day forever, I'm sure you would take it.
This is how you have to view lifestyle changes. Coffee, too much sugar, smoking, bad food etc contribute to anxiety, so if you knew by stopping these and eating a clean diet can eliminate anxiety, you would do it.

I know it's tough. I had to change my whole diet 14 yrs ago. I had to stop drinking tea. I was drinking 6 a day. BANG, one day I had to stop, I had to stop many foods and lose weight and start to exercise. I didn't do it all in one day, It took me a full yr to change, but my anxiety/depression and fears went away by 90%. I also went from a size 14 to a size 3.

My anxiety is back now b/c I have lupus.lyme, so I'm adjusting again to a different diet and exercise plan. I also had to quit smoking after 30 yrs.
It's been 4 months since I quit and I wonder why I took so long to stop b/c I feel so much better.

We need to do what we need to do to feel better. The "wonder drugs" and magic pills all come from us and our hard work.
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/11/2008 8:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Marthamae,
Hey, thanks for the support and advice. I know that I can do this. I just have to get started and do it. Thanks for believing in me. I am supposed to be seeing a nutritionist after I see this eating disorder specialist. Hopefully he or she can give me a good healthy diet plan that I and my family can follow. My husband wont eat healthy stuff so I have to cook "normal" for him. That's what makes it so hard. But I got that new cookbook, Deceptively Delicious so hopefully I can get him eating healthier. My son will eat mostly anything.
Kitt,
I know I can do this. I just have to put my mind to it. And I am going to switch to decaff. It is so bitter though. Maybe I can trick myself into thinking it's regular. The thing is, the caffine, it keeps me feeling full longer. I know it's not good to skip breakfast but I just drink coffee and then eat something around 12. I will need lots of support for the no caffine thing. It shouldn't be that big of a deal but I am just so scared of gaining weight. Thanks for the support.
Percycat,
It is going to be really hard for me but I'm gonna try my best to do this. The thing is, I know that the doctor wants me to gain weight. And that terrifies me. I just cant deal with it. Well, I guess I can, I just dont want to. It hurts alot more to feel fat than it does to not eat. I know that sounds crazy. Thanks for your support and advice.
Peacesoul,
I would take that drug if there was one. But that is so much easier than making huge life changes. I smoke too so I know I am really unhealthy. I just wont let myself stop smoking because I dont want to gain weight. Same goes for the coffee. I want to stop, but I'm afraid if I make all these changes that I will completely lose it. I will go insane. I guess I do have to start slowly, with the caffine. I did cut out all carbonated stuff a while ago so the coffee should be easy. SHould. I will do decaf in the a.m. But if it tastes too bad I may do half decaff half caffine. How does that sound? I am going to give it a chance though. Thanks for the support. I still feel weak and stuff but if I accomplish my goals then I know I will feel better.
Love to all!!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/11/2008 9:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Rachel,

Great post, super...................I am very proud of you.  You may go at your own pace and I know your fear.  I have a weight problem and the meds I am on have caused weight gain which I can no longer deal with so I am with you on setting goals to eat healthy and quit blaming it all on  the med.  I am like you and fear that I will not have the will power but I have lost weight before and done it the right way by eating healthy so I will do it again.

So this is where I do the Nike thing................Just Do It.

I know you will make it with all of the support you receive here and know we support you. 

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

 


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/11/2008 9:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt,
Know that I am praying for you. And thanks for supporting me and believing in me. I need that. Love to you!!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/12/2008 1:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone.
I have not cut out caffine today. But I didn't drink but half a 4 cup pot of coffee. So at least I cut back. I lost like three pounds yesterday which puts me back at 115. I am glad about that but then again... I got alot done at home today and tonight me and my momma are going out for my birthday, late but still. So I still am totally struggling with the eating thing. I've ate 4 cookies today and thats it. But I know me and momma will go out to eat tonight so I'm saving my appetite for that.
Last night Jonathan, my hubby, had some bad stomach pain and it eased off this morning but came back while he was at work. He is getting his MRI run on Thursday so keep those prayers for him coming please. I dont know what the stomach pain is all about but I took care of him and I made him some chicken noodle soup (homemade) so he and my son will have supper while I'm gone. I cant believe that I didnt freak out last night when that happened to him. I just kept calm, prayed, and did my best to take care of him. I did it without freaking out in the least!!! I am really proud of myself for that. And I have been leaving that lamp on that I wouldn't turn on. And none of us have gotten sick. Yay for me times 2!!
So anyway, I hope that he feels better tonight since I wont be here to help him out. I did the housework so he wont have to do that. Hopefully he will be proud of what I did today. I am very proud of myself which is also a new thing.
Well, I've got to go get ready so I'll probly be on later tonight. Have a good afternoon all.
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 8/12/2008 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rachel,

I just wanted to say that I cut back on caffiene too. I put two scoops of regular and one scoop of decaff. I can't tell the difference in the taste. But since I have been doing that, I have been able to cut back on my xanax. So even a little helps with anxiety.

Best wishes, we miss you on depression forum.

Hugs, Karen...
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 8/12/2008 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel,

Girl, I am so PROUD of you! Wow, what a lot you accomplished that made you feel good about yourself. And that's what's important - not how much you get done, but how what you have done makes you feel.

I like the idea of half-and-half on the decaf-regular coffee. Maybe I can do that with my tea drinking. I went back to caffeinated because it tastes much better and I thought my reflux could handle it. I see now that the reflux probably can't handle it, or at least not a cup a day, so I have to give up the tea. Disappointing, but I'd rather be healthy, and I did feel better when I stuck strictly to the dietary restrictions.

percycat

thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/12/2008 9:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm back from my birthday thingy. It went really good and I actually kinda talked about my eating disorder with my momma. Which I NEVER do. She didn't freak out on me or lecture me. Yeah, wow. And I told her about the specailist and she said she would go with me. So that's good news. I really do need her support on this, as much as I hate to admit it. She bought me two bookshelves from Target and the Amy Whinehouse CD plus a book and she took me out to eat. I had a really good time and lots of laughter.

Karen,
Thanks for your input. I'm glad to know that even cutting caffine in half can help the anxiety. And I will be back to the Depression Forum. I've been trying to catch up on here. Thanks for visiting me here! It means alot to me. Love to you!
Percycat,
I am so proud of me too. I really am. Now I just have to keep this going. I am really hoping that I can. And I hope that you can do the half and half thing with your tea. I have acid relfux too but coffee somehow doesn't give me heartburn. That is so weird huh? But good luck in changing your diet. I know how extremely hard it is to do. I still haven't done very good with that. I'm an extremist. It's either all or nothing. Not a good way to be with food. I hopefully am about to go to bed soon. I dont want to be too tired tommorow.
Also, I know that I say this all the time but I am totaly freaking out about my weight. I just want to weigh 100 and I know it's not healthy. I just dont feel like I can be happy until I hit that certain number. Yet I know that if I hit 100 it wont be skinny enough. I'll still want to weigh less. I just hope this specialist can give me some good advice. I am so scared that it wont work. It's kinda my last resort thing. And if it doesn't work, will I be like this forever? I cant imagine spending the rest of my life trying to be skinny. It is really so stupid compared to all the other things I should be putting my energy into. And even though I know that, I still cant make myself stop. And I know that most people think that eating disorders are about vanity but I dont feel vain. I hate myself. I dont think that is vanity. I just want to be so skinny that all you see is bones. I know that is so gross to everyone else. BUt that is what I want. All I have ever wanted of my body since I was about 7. That is so young to be feeling like this. I pray that my son and any other future kids of mine will never feel this way about themselves. But I know that I have to be a good example to them or they will mirror my actions and worries. I do not want this. That is my main reason for wanting to get better. For my son, and any other kids that may come in the future.
So, I dont really know where to go from here. I still feel like I shouldn't be wasting this specailists time. I know there are people out there who are actually dying and stuff from eating disorders. I know he's there to prevent and help that but I just dont think I'm even underweight. I cant even see my ribs anymore unless I put my arms over my head. So I need some support for all this. I cant do this alone and I know nobody else can do it for me. but I still need many prayers and much support and advice. Thanks for listening yall. I really love and appriciate everyone of you!!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


nervymeg
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 8/12/2008 10:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Rachel,

I'm so proud of you honey yeah

I know how hard it is to fight an eating disorder, but you can do it with baby steps. Three meals a day, no excuses..even if they are small meals, your tummy is probably shrunken from not eating much, so you probably feel like you have eaten more than you have. I got over my anorexia by eating cocoa pops three times a day (not healthy at all!!!) but it got me back on track, used to having food in stomach and in to recovery.

I also gave up coffee, I went from three huge mugs a day to none. It has made such a difference to me..and I actually sleep now. Imagine! Keep up the amazing job honey.

Love ya,

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/13/2008 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Rachel,

I am so glad you talk to your Momma and that you enjoyed the time out with her.  Doesn't it feel good to sit down with someone you are close to and be able to tell them how you really feel.

Good job on your fine start on  cutting back on the caffeine.  You are off on your journey to kicking the caffeine. smilewinkgrin

Keep it up as you are doing great  and your in a good mindset now.  Look at all the wonderful support you are receiving here.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/13/2008 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Meg,
Hey girly, I am not so proud of myself today. I haven't got much done and I still have to give my son a nap and clean and get ready for work tonight. UGH. I still weigh 115 this morning which is good and bad. See, the thing is, if i want to recover I know I have to stop losing weight. But I cant help but keep my 100 goal in my mind. I just want to lose 15 more pounds. I know this is so bad and I hate that I cant just kick this in the butt. I dont know what to do. If I journal I end up obsessing over calories and stuff so I dont journal about that anymore. Oh and, my husband found out that I have been going on pro anorexia sites. He is always checking what I've looked at on the internet and my email. I dont think he trusts me. But he wrote me this note that said he knew but he wasn't mad and that if I wanted to get better I'd have to stop looking up that stuff. I dont usually look at that stuff but when I want to really lose some weight I do. I know I shouldn't. I know all of this is bad adn really screwed up but I just have no control over it. It controls me. And it has for years now. I dont know how to get that control back. But I know you understand this stuff so hopefully you can help some. Thanks for your support. I've missed you alot. Did you have a good holiday? Love to you!!

Kitt,
I have fallen off the wagon this morning. I am drinking my regular coffee. I dont know why I can just do this. It is so frustrating and I feel like I'm not only letting myself down but all of you too. And yes, it did feel good to talk to my momma about the eating disorder. I hid it from her for years because of her reaction when she found out in the beginning. I think maybe she is taking a different aproach this time to help me. I think she knows that how she acted when I was home didnt help things but only made me more secretive about it. I still cant tell my daddy. I just know how disapointed he would be and that would break my heart. I have always hated to disapoint him. So I am going to make that app today. I have to! I dont know what to do anymore Kitt. I know that this is no problem compared to all the real problems people have here. BUt it is very real to me and my family. Anyway, I hope you are doing well today. I emailed you this a.m. I'll be on and off here today. Love to you!!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 8/13/2008 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Rachel,

Don't beat yourself up. Remember, it's not about whether you're a human cleaning machine; it's about whether you feel good about the quality of what you've done. Try not to set so many goals or even hopes for a day that you're setting yourself up to be disappointed (I do this too much). Just look at what you have done and ask, "Did I do this thing well? Am I happy about this one task?" Give yourself a chance to feel worthy, and don't let the "stinkin thinkin" drag you down to feeling worthless.

You're a good person, and a good mom, and you're human. You're doing the best you can, and some days, that's not as big a list of things as others. What matters is keeping up hope that you can succeed at things that you do tackle.

Love,
percycat
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