I'm asking for a support group for this eating disorder!

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thirstyforchrist
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Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/13/2008 9:06 AM (GMT -7)   
rolleyes   shakehead eyes
   Okay everyone.  I am taking a step right now and I am going to bear my soul and ask for the support of all of you to help me.  I need a good support team that I can be honest with and that will be honest with me. 
   So, I have struggled with anorexia on and off for about eight years now.  I am now at my lowest weight of     since I had my son.  I am very stubborn when it comes to eating and stuff concerning this.  I am supposed to see a specialist and that makes me extremely nervous.  I am just so scared of gaining weight.  I am so scared of going to the specialist and having him tell me that I am not skinny enough to be anorexic.  Even though I know that I have a problem I still deny it alot.  Its almost like this anorexia has a mind of it's own.  Sometimes it completely controls me and other times it stews on the back burner.  But I know that if I want to raise a healthy son I have to stop this.  I have to do it for me too.  I want so badly to be happy with myself.  To love myself for the first time in my life.  I have never loved myself and I have a very hard time believing anyone else loves me.  Even God.  But I know this is not true.  I know this may be confusing, but this disorder confuses me. 
   Anyway, I am asking for yall to help me and support me as I try to get better.  I know it's going to be a long hard road to recovery.  I know that I may fall off the wagon somedays.  But that's what I need help with.  Advice and support to help me get back on that wagon and finish the journey to my recovery.  So thanks for listening.  And it is still really hard for me to talk about this.  Its such an open wound.  When I talk about it, it's like pouring salt into it.  But I know that salt helps to heal wounds! :)  Thanks everyone!
                Rachel


 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day

Post Edited (thirstyforchrist) : 8/14/2008 6:22:25 AM (GMT-6)


percycat
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 8/13/2008 9:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Rachel,

Count me as a member of your team: Rachel's Team! You'll have all of us to lean on while you're fighting this obnoxious monster.

percycat

peacesoul
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Date Joined Jan 2007
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   Posted 8/13/2008 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel you have my support, but no one here has professional experience with anorexia and you cannot use this site to replace going to get help

Anorexia is a very serious illness and needs to be treated by a professional.
I can give you my opinion, support and suggestions but I can't help you understand your illness.

I would like to ask you this though, why do you want to be skinny (not thin cause 100 lbs is skinny)? Are you afraid people will not love you if you're a normal weight?
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


thirstyforchrist
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Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/13/2008 6:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Percycat,
Thanks so much. Your member #1. I will need the support.
Peacesoul,
I am going to see that specialist so I'm not going to replace that with HW. I'm just asking for a support team to help pick me up when I fall down, and to give me advice every now and then. And it's not that I'm afraid that people wont love me. I really dont know why I want to be     pounds except that I would feel better about myself. I dont know. I have always wanted to be skinny and I have never ever felt skinny. No matter how much I lose or how little I eat. I dont know why I want it so bad. I know that sometimes I wish I could be a kid again and I try and close my eyes and relive that time. But, I dont think thats why I want so bad to be skinny. It's not for attention either. Most people say thats all I want. But I actually want to be left alone. I dont know but i am hoping to get deeper into this with my counselor tommorw. I will update all of you on this after I get back.

Oh, and my husband gets his MRI tommorow morning. Pray that everthing will be fine with him!

Rachel


 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day

Post Edited (thirstyforchrist) : 8/14/2008 6:26:19 AM (GMT-6)


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 8/13/2008 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I come and go from this forum, but saw your thread and wanted to reply. I think it's great that you are here and asking for support. Being an anorexic myself...I would say former, but you're never exactly out of the woods, I'm a little uncomfortable about posting weights. I know it may help you to explain things better, but as an anorexic I know what it's like to compare myself with other anorexics and stuff like that. Obviously this is a thread for you so I don't want to tell you what to do...just remember others may read this and weights could be triggering for some.

As for your goal weight. Be honest...do you really think you'll be happy at that weight? I know from experience that once you get there and your anorexia is still in control you'll find something else about your body to be unhappy about and change your goal. It's a cycle that most people go through all the time. A number on the scale isn't going to make you feel any better about yourself. Until you start to heal nothing will be good enough. Do you know what I mean?

*hugs*
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


peacesoul
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 8/13/2008 7:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel, we're all here for you.
I had bosy image problems when I was your age because i was overweight. I worked on it in a different way, but you will find your way.

You think you will feel good when you're skinnier, but you're not feeling good physically now, so I can tell you, it's not working.

Closure, I'm happy you posted. It's a real support to hear from others who have traveled the same road.
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


Gabby123
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 113
   Posted 8/13/2008 7:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, I too am struggling with an eating disorder.  It is very very hard and does take professional help to get better.  I had to stop going to therapy because I am now broke and can't afford it anymore, and boy can I tell the difference.  I was doing so much better when I was in therapy.  I want to go back but I can't right now.  I will be part of you support team, I know how hard the struggle is everyday.  BTW I have binge eating disorder and anorexia.

-Gabbs


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/14/2008 5:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Closure,
Hey thanks for sharing your concern. I thought about it and I edited my posts deleting my weights out. I definately dont want to trigger anyone. thanks for pointing that out! And yes, I know what you mean about never being satisfied with your goals. I have never been able to celebrate a goal. I just make another one. I think my body wont let me lose anymore weigt right now. I probly shouldn't anyway but I cant help that urge. How did you start healing? I am in therapy and about to see an eating disorder specialist. I dont think it's helping though. I know my husband doesn't like this, and nobody else does either. My family is worried about me but I know that I'm okay. I haven't stopped having my period and I'm not really even underweight. I am glad that you posted. It means alot to have someone else share their story so go ahead and share. Love to you!!

Peacesoul,
I know that I will feel worse physically but at least I'll be skinny. I know that sounds crazy. I dont know why I feel this way. I'm going to see my counselor today and hopefully we'll make some headway there. Thanks again for joining my team! Love to you!!

Gabby,
Thanks for coming here and posting. Maybe we can be on eachothers support team. I'm sorry that you had to stop therapy, I hope you can start back soon. And I think I might have the binge eating thing too. Cause I'll go a couple of days on a diet and then I'll eat everything in sight. Feel free to email me anytime. Love to you!!

Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


behindtheseeyes00987
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 191
   Posted 8/14/2008 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Rachel,

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You kinda remind of myself in a way.

It's especially hard to talk about personal things especially if you are confused by your behavior yourself. I've been struggling with anorexia/bulimia for a while now and I sometimes deny it. When you get sucked into the world of eating disorders, it's very hard to break free. The best I can tell you is to really believe in yourself to get better and kind your son in mind. It will be a long recovery, but you must let your doctor know how you've been feeling and eating. The only way you can beat this is to receive and accept help from others. You can't do this alone-that's also why you've come here! Remember that we all support you and no one on these forums is going to judge you or tell you you're wrong. I wish you all the best!

 


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Syn
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/14/2008 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Ah, of course people love and care about you! You need to learn to love yourself then that will open your eyes. You'll see how it will totally change your perception. You DO love yourself, Rachel - if you didn't, you wouldn't be going through so much to be better, to be happy, to be healthy and be a wonderful mother to your son.

Continue to be strong. :)

FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 8/14/2008 3:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel,

How old is your son? Do you think being pregnant was a trigger? There is so much emphasis on weight when you are pregnant and how big you are getting, etc. It sounds like you are thin now even though you took out your weight. Were you obsessed with losing the baby weight? I am really glad you are seeking professional help. I am just wondering if you recognize what triggered you then you might be able to exercise more control over it.
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/14/2008 4:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey behindtheseeyes,
Thanks for posting.I know that it's going to be hard but I obviously have a great support team here! And it is very hard to talk about all this. It's always been my deepest darkest secret and now I'm exposing myself to the world. I feel like I'm standing naked in front of all of you and it's very scary. But thanks for being here for me.
Syn,
Thanks to you too. I'm glad to have people believing in me and supporting me through this. I am just now taking the first steps and it is so hard. I really do appriciate it. My son is one of my main reasons to get better. I want him to be happy with himself and I dont want my low self esteem rubbing off on him because he is so smart and beautiful! Love to you both!!!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/14/2008 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
And now for the big news. My therapist told me today that she thought I should go into a four week treatment center in Arizona. I cried about leaving my son. I am so scared about that. I still haven't decided to go or not but my husband is very supportive and said that if we can afford it he would let me go. So that's a releif because I thought he would nix it first thing. But four weeks? Can I do that? Can I leave my son and husband and home for that long? I cried just thinking about leaving my son. I know that if I want to get better I need to do this. And part of me really wants to. But part of me says stay here and deal with it. But I have dealt with it and nothing else seems to work for me. I just dont know what to do. The treatment center is called Bramuda Ranch. Has anyone heard of it? I am so anxious just thinking about it. It really scares me to know I'd be away from everyone I love for a whole month. So thats the big news. Any input is needed! Thanks for listentnig.
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/14/2008 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Fitzy,
I had this eating disorder for 8 years so I dont think that started it. It definately triggered it back into full motion after I delivered though. He is two years old. I am thinner than I was before I had him. I weigh the same as I weighed in 7th grade. I am 20 now. So, I think that may have helped it along but I still cant figure out exactly why I started in the first place. thanks for your input. I need all I can get! Love to you!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


FitzyK23
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Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 8/14/2008 4:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I am so glad you have a therapist that is taking you seriously and trying to help!! I bet in-treatment is the best way to get the help you need!
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/14/2008 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
YOU have to find a way to DO the in TX for yourself and for your son
This is really not an option
I am here for support as always but I am not a professional

YOU have taken some great steps Rachel and
I am proud of you for doing do
Please do think seriously about this TX program
as it sounds like your therapist has been upfront IMHO
And is the Professional here

I am glad you opened up as well

LYN
  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,Fibro & Other DD
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nervymeg
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 8/14/2008 7:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Rachel,

Grab this opportunity for treatment with both hands.  I am on your support team, you know that goes without saying! You cannot ignore an eating disorder..it will take over your life. Four weeks is not that long if it saves you and let's your son grow up to know a healthy mom.

Bless you

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
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peacesoul
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 8/14/2008 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel, what is your gut/instict telling you about going to the treatment center?
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


behindtheseeyes00987
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Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 191
   Posted 8/14/2008 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachel-
 
I read another one of your replies. I'm also 20 yrs old.
 
Think of it this way-I'm sure it'll be extremley hard and maybe emotionally painful to leave your husband and son for four weeks, but years from now don't you want to look back on the experience and say to yourself "I'm so glad I went through with that." Four weeks may seem like a long time, but it'll be well worth it. If you are able to do so, I would say go for it. Continue talking with your therapist about thoughts and feelings. I love my therapist! I don't know what I would do without her!
 
You CAN do this! You have tons of love and support. You owe it to yourself to get better!
-Depressed-
-Daily Migraine Headaches-
-Chronic Pain-
Daily Amitriptyline
 
"Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."
 
 


stkitt
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Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/15/2008 3:18 AM (GMT -7)   

Rachel

Good Morning.  You have the support of all of HW and I say take the 4 week stay at the treatment center.  I feel this may save your life as you will continue to lose weight, your nutritionn status will continue to disintegrate and you will end up very sick. 

This  is your chance, IMHO, grab the brass ring and do it for you.  You have found a good program with the help of your therapist.............go for it.

Prayers for you
Kitt


 

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getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 8/15/2008 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Rachel,

I agree with everyone here, this is your opportunity to get better. Do it for you and your family. Four weeks goes by so fast. I am sure that in the long run, this is the answer to all of your problems.

Best wishes,

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/15/2008 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much everyone. I am really wanting to do this but I just cant imagine leaving my son. I just will miss so much. If I leave in October I'll miss him trick-or-treating. about to cry right now thinking about it. And who will sleep in his Nemo bed with him? He only wants me in there. I really dont think I can be away from him for that long. I am crying now, for the first time in ages. Real tears. I dont want to leave my baby boy. I really dont think I can. He needs me so much. I need him too. He's like my third arm or something, he's always there with me. We are a team. I dont want him to suffer because of me. I really hate this. I dont want to leave my boy. I dont. It hurts so bad thinking about it. I wouldn't be here to take care of him and kiss him and tell him I love him. I dont know if I can do this.
But thanks so much for all of your support. I really do want to get better. I think if I dont I'm headed for a major meltdown. I know this is bad but I quit taking my Paxil because I'm so tired of being so numb and so tired. And last night I had a mini meltdown. But it didn't last long. I hate it that I cant feel what I feel. So anyway I need to go because I'm rambling.
Just want to say HUGE thanks to my wonderful support team here!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


FitzyK23
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Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 8/15/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok. Here is the cold hard truth. If you don't get help you will NOT be there for your son. You may be physically there (if you are not admitted via emergency some night) but you will not be a good roll model, he will no something is wrong, you will be exhausted, mentally unstable, and could end up being an unfit mother. That is only if you refuse treatment and the eating disorder takes over your life or worse, kills you. So if it is hard to think about being away from your son for 4 weeks, imagine how hard it would be for a lifetime. You ARE being there for your son by getting the treatment. You are being a responsible mother for getting healthy. Do they have visiting hours? Could you see him occassionaly? You can always check in via phone and letters and maybe even email or video chat. You would not be selfish doing this for you, you would be doing it for your family. I am sure it breaks your husbands heart to see you suffer with this eating disorder. Soon your sons too. Get treatment for THEM so they don't have to suffer anymore.

Remember the line from an old Nickelodean cartoon - "if you never go away, how can I miss you?" Your family will love you and miss you but in a good way. And then it will be SO much better when you get home. 4 weeks of pain vs. a lifetime of suffering.

I'm sorry if I am being harsh but that is the reality. I used to work with social services and corrections. I have seen first hand what this can do to families. Also, if you get more ill you could start imparting your eating disorder on your son. Trying to keep him skinny, thinking he is fat. Please don't let yourself get to that point. Do the treatment asap! You would be home by Christmas and maybe even thanksgiving! So you miss one halloween?

My dad missed a halloween of mine because of a bowel obstruction and in patient surgery. Would you have advised him to take me trick or treating and die of sepsis? Anorexia is just as much of a disease as one you can see on a cat scan. I had a blast that halloween with my mom and grandma. It was extra special. You CAN do this. Stop letting the disease make excuses for you and commit to going NO MATTER WHAT!


26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


thirstyforchrist
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 416
   Posted 8/15/2008 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Fitzy,
I need that tough love. You are right. Four weeks verses the rest of his life. Definately no argument there. I would never want to make him have this disorder, ever! He is the sunshine in my life and i want him to be happy. I understand that if I am not happy with myself it will be hard for him to learn to love himself or even me. If I dont value me he wont either. I am so glad that you did get a little harsh with me. Sometimes I need the wake up call. I dont want to leave my family but it sure beats dying huh? I already know how bad this has effected my mental and physical health. So if it's already done all this what else can it cause? Much worse. My husband hates this. He cant stand the thought of being away from me for four weeks but I know that our marriage wil benifit if I go. He knows it too. He has always tried to support me in all my problems but I must say that he is so wonderful right now. Loving me through my troubles and taking me as I am. He really wants me to get better. I am so blessed to have him right now. He's my rock in this life. Thank God for my wonderful family and all of you here. So I'm gonna go clean something else. Already got the bathroom done! Thanks Fitzy for giving it to me straight up. Love to you!
Rachel
 " When you feel like you're alone in your sadness, and no one in this whole world cares, and you want to get away from the madness, you just call my name and I'll be there..."   Third Day


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 8/15/2008 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Glad you appreciated it Rachel and I am always here to listen and help.
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.

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