I'm shaking... need your support !

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Marie-Claire
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/7/2008 3:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone... many of you know of the issues with my Borderline Personality, DID, PTSD daughter and her recent pregnancy and related issues.
I hadn't seen her for a while.She had the surgery Thursday Sept. 4th... I kept calling to see if I could come over to help her or to find out how she was doing... but neither her or her partner would return my phonecalls. She came over briefly on Saturday... sat on my lap and buried her head in my shoulder. I held her for a while... then she sat down and I asked her to see her dressing as she had told me that she had an ectopic pregnancy and that they were going to make a little incision in her tummy and take the baby out. Well there was no incision... she said they did it vaginally . Ok. so I left it at that.. .Then she proceeded to ask me for 100.00 for a new cell phone... told her I didn't have the money so she left.
Today... she calls me early in the morning. Her hubby is working... do I want to come over. I said Ok...so I did... and we went for a walk...I took her out for coffee... while we are having coffee she starts taking about her IV etc... and so I asked " what exactly did they do" She said "I have a piece of paper at home that says exactly what it is.." so we get to her house and I ask to see the paper because as a nurse I've never heard of an ectopic pregnancy done vaginally . Well, all of a sudden there is no paper... I sat down and was being rather quiet... she started yelling at me saying I don't ever believe her... I told her it was hard to considering all the lies she has told me over the years... she said her life is none of my business... I don't deserve to know anything but I am suppose to be there whenever she needs support. I said I am trying to support you... but she said that no... I took her to all these "shrinks" over the years just so I could get attention... that I shouldn't have had children because I couldn't take care of them .... on and on... and then threw me out of her house and told me never to come back.
Our afternoon had being going so well...until , I think, I caught her in another lie and she became defensive.
I've been home crying , shaking... so discouraged. ! I don't know how to support her if she can't be accountable. She twisted everything around again.... I'm having such a hard time with this... especially because of my grandaughter. IF she wasn't part of the picture... I wouldn't worry as much. My heart is broken again... I just can't seem to get past this. I am questioning my parenting skills , every decision I;'ve ever made in her regard... Did I do things all wrong? I hurts sooo much!
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


percycat
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Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 9/7/2008 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry to hear about all this. I feel your pain, sweetie.

It's hard when the people in our lives accuse us of causing their problems. A natural response is to wonder if they're right. I would think that you did the very best you could for your children. You're human, you made a lot of extremely hard decisions, and you have tried to make the best out of what life has offered you and your family. You also worked very hard to give your girls the help they needed when young in the best way you knew how.

Your daughter is obviously dealing with her own pain in her life, and one way that she addresses it is by lashing out. I know her lies hurt you dreadfully and I don't have any good advice for dealing with her or stopping the pain.

Just know that we love you and care what's going on with you.

Hugs and prayers,
percycat

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/7/2008 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Mary,

Gentle Hugs to you and I know what you are suspecting.  With your daughters behavior and dx you know that she struggles with maintaining a relationship and also is manipulative and seeks attention.

You  are  a good mother.  Trust your  instincts and be proud of who you are as a parent.  Do not regret a single decision you  have made thus far. You have made many unselfish decisions to keep your family safe so don't let the "stinkin thinkin" in.

I have to believe that  you are like me—that you are afraid to admit to the world that you are amazing. That no matter how hard it gets, you are proud of who you are as a person and a parent.

Repeat these words to yourself  "I love myself and my abilities as a mother."

Fulfillment and confidence and joy should not be stifled or hidden or kept secret. No one should feel embarrassed to admit they think they’re awesome: a good parent.

Mary, try to let go of her behavior today and she will come back to you.

I feel she went on the defense because she has not told you the whole truth so it was easier to pick a fight and project everything onto you.

I raised 4 children and I remember being told by my daughter that she hated me.  My come Back was " I am sorry you feel that way because I love you"

You just wrap yourself up in a warm blanket and relax, let all the bad thoughts out of your mind.  Look around you and stay in the moment.

You cannot control your daughter's behavior but try not to get in her destructive path or believe in her accusations against you.

I have you in my prayers and thoughts.  Buckets of hugs for you sweet Mary.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/7/2008 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Percycat ... thank you so much for your support... I don't know what I would do without this "family' you are all my saving Grace.!

Kitt. Thank you ... I sent you an email...

Love and prayers
Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/7/2008 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   

Mary we are here for you always.................so come hee and know you are loved and supported by the members and myself.

Prayers and Hugs.
Kitt


Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/7/2008 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you kitt... got your poem... OH how I cherish you~
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 9/7/2008 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Mary,

It makes me feel sad that you are going through this. I'm sure your daughter said thoses hurtful words in the heat of anger. I've said a few choice things to my mother over the years, but I never really meant them. If you care and support your daughter with just 1% that you care for us at HW then you must be a truly great mother.

I know you are wonderful person and have given your children the world. Give her some space. She will come back. She needs you.

Love,

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 9/7/2008 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Marie - you did not deserve to be treated like that at all. But, I would consider two things that may have prompted her response. First, you had made it very clear that you were not going to support her in getting an abortion. You admit that she is going through a very rough time with her mental health. Her and her husband may have decided that she just couldn't have another child right now. Knowing how much this would disapoint you and that you would never forgive her, she may have chosen to lie to you about it. If that's the case I don't think she was trying to be manipulative but rather trying to preserve her very important relationship with her mother. I come from a very catholic family but myself am pro-choice. If I ever did have to make that choice, I don't think I would ever be able to tell my mother as I know it would just kill her. So, if your daughter did lie to you, you may wish to give her the benefit of the doubt this time around. When she realized she was going to be caught in a lie she probably panicked thinking that your relationship would never overcome the truth. I think you need to tell her that whatever surgery she actually had, you still love her and are there for her.

Secondly, they have started doing amazing things vaginally now-a-days. I'd make certain that this wasn't an option before questioning her. Everyone gets defensive when they don't feel trusted. I read on CNN recently that they can take your appendix out vaginally now. Insane!

Either way, understand that she had no right to speak to you that way and that you deserve all the comfort in the world right now.
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/7/2008 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Fitzy ... you are right... thank you for your support. I've already called my daughter and her hubby asking to come over to apologize in person for interfering and meddling. whatever my opinion was in regards to her pregnancy.. I should have accepted that she is an adult now... technically is a "married" woman( common law)... already has a child that she is taking very good care of . ... and shouldn't have given my five cents unless asked for it. Neither of them returned my call to come over... so I sent her /him and email. I told her that I loved her very much... needed her in my life... and realized that I may not have been as supportive lately knowing she was going through a rough time. I've been reading a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and am coming to understand her issues much better. For so many years, therapists concentrated on her Dissociative Identity Disorder and PTSD... By the time it came time to address the borderline issues, she point blank refused to go back and went off her meds. So I never had the benefit of the therapists feedback and support as I had up until she was 16... I've been winging it on my own... but realize that I need help. You are absolutely right in saying that she may have lied to avoid my reaction.
I apologized to her tonite in my email.. telling her that as an adult she and her partner have a right to their privacy and that their decisions are their own... I was wrong in threatening to not forgive her or pull away from them if they went through with it. I don't have to agree with everything they do... just set healthy bounderies and love them no matter what. I'm learning very slowly... It is hard for me having been the protector my whole life. I do believe that children are sent to us to teach us as much as we have to teach them. Its all about learning to love unconditonally...
I thank you dear Fritz for your honesty with me... and for your gentleness in telling me what you think. I feel safe here ... which is an entirely new feeling for me.
Blessings to all of you
Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/8/2008 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Good Morning Mary,

I am glad you took the first step as that again shows what a great Mom you really are.  I have spoken up once to many with my daughter on occasion and have apologized for it.  It is hard sometimes to take back your words but you are trying. Remember no beating yourself up.

A little info for you as I have investigated BPD because I have the 2 friends with this same disorder.

WHAT IS BPD?

Borderline personality disorder is a disturbance of certain brain functions that causes four types of behavioral disturbances:

1. poorly regulated and excessive emotional responses;
2. harmful impulsive actions;
3. distorted perceptions and impaired reasoning; and
4. markedly disturbed relationships.

SYMPTOMS

1. Excessive, unstable and poorly regulated emotional responses.

2. Impulsive behaviors that are harmful to you or to others.

3. You may have an inaccurate view of yourself and others, and experience a high level of suspiciousness and other misperceptions.

4. Finally, you may experience tumultuous and very unstable relationships.

TREATMENTS

There are six key elements of care that directly bear on the effectiveness of the treatment you receive for borderline disorder. These include your level of commitment to treatment, locating a skilled primary clinician, determining the most appropriate level of care for you, evaluating your need for medication, and selecting the type of psychotherapy and support group that will be most effective for you.

Medications play three very important roles in the treatment of most patients with borderline disorder. They are effective in reducing the four major groups of symptoms of the disorder. They thereby enhance the rate and quality of improvement derived from psychotherapy. Finally, medications are effective in treating other emotional disorders that frequently are associated with borderline disorder, for example, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, and ADHD, and physical disorders such as migraine headaches.

Psychotherapy is also an important component of your treatment program. A number of different psychotherapeutic approaches appear to be effective in the treatment of borderline disorder. These include supportive, psychodynamic and modified psychoanalytic therapy, interpersonal therapy, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), and a variety of group and family therapies.

People with this disorder can live a productive life. There are many advocacy groups dedicated to increasing knowledge about, and reducing the stigma associated with borderline disorder.

I believe that BPD is a difficult disorder to live with and we have to be able to recognize this as a real disorder  Many don't understand this disorder.

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ~Romans 8:25~

Hugs
Kitt
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/8/2008 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Kitt... as usual you are up , as you are every morning, encouraging, comforting and giving your undying support to all of us who need it. Dear sweet Kitt... you are a blessing!

Thank you for the above information re BPD... it is a difficult disorder to deal with especially when your BP refuses therapy or treatment...

My daughter emailed me late last night... only one sentence. Mom, I love you. ! I didn't hear from her partner which I had emailed also.
I 'm reading everything I can about BPD... knowledge is half the battle. I guess its the old nurse in me... I've always been able to become a bit more objective as I arm myself with as much information as possible. That's how I tackled the DID and PTSD.... ... I'm slowly learning and growing...

Thank you dear Kitt... I get up every morning and look for your GOOD MORNING to everyone. You're an angel.
tired old Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


FitzyK23
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 9/8/2008 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
So glad your daughter wrote you back and that you weren't offended by my view of the situation! I know when we are upset it is hard to think outside the box and I wanted to give you a different perspective without you feeling like I was saying it was your fault. Glad it is working out!
26 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.


Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/8/2008 12:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Fitzyk23... you are always so careful and gentle with all of us... I rarely take offense at constructive advice.

You are a understanding , caring, and gentle person... and in my opinion will make an excellent lawyer someday... too bad there weren't more of you out there .

Love and prayers
Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


peacesoul
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 9/8/2008 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Mary, Sorry for your pain. Asking yourself where you went wrong is not constructive. Even if you found out where you went wrong, you cannot ever change it. All that will do is keep you in your pain and guilt.
All we have is the present and how we can make changes now and not in the past. Nothing takes the pain of the past away like knowing you can change the future.

Ask yourself what you can do today and tomorrow to make this situation healthier for you.

Your daughter is not being fair, but given her emotional problems, this is what she knows. It's tough to get a good feel for the dynamics of your relationship to your daughter based on a msg board, but you're obviously in distress and you need to figure out how to make YOU better.
My Mom used to live with worry about myself and my sisters. It made her sick. She managed to cut off her mothering skills and let us work on our own "cra*p". She let go.
Do you think you can ever "let go" and just focus on your wellness?
Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


Buddha443556
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 293
   Posted 9/8/2008 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Mary I just read this post and have no idea what to say. Best I can do is say a pray for you and your daughter.

Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/8/2008 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Peacesoul... thank you for your support ... yes... I am trying to find "ME" in all this.. I've been lost to myself for such a long time, playing the role of protector... I know that I have to work on making myself a life . My girls are grown now... and I do want to create better bounderies... find out who I am ... work on giving myself the attention I would otherwise have given my girls, which was always 100%. At 51, old habits are hard to break...
With your support and encouragement and tender loving care... I am trying... little steps. It's like having one foot in the boat and one on the dock. when you're foot has been on the dock hanging on for dear life for 45 odd years... its not only scarry but really hard to finally take your foot off the dock and let yourself sail!
Can't do it by myself, which is why I am so blessed to have all of you.

Buddha... I know this is very hard to understand....but you are so sweet to be praying for me... I thank you and love you for it.

Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


marthamae
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/8/2008 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
My thoughts are with you also Mary. Family dynamics are so complicated and layered. I think you've gotten some really good advice and support on here. You sound like a lovely person. My mother was never there for me...I wish my mother cared enough to come over or take me for a walk or be supportive.

No one is a perfect parent. You just do the best you can at the time.

peacesoul
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 2446
   Posted 9/8/2008 6:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Marie-Claire said...
Peacesoul... thank you for your support ... yes... I am trying to find "ME" in all this.. I've been lost to myself for such a long time, playing the role of protector... I know that I have to work on making myself a life . My girls are grown now... and I do want to create better bounderies... find out who I am ... work on giving myself the attention I would otherwise have given my girls, which was always 100%. At 51, old habits are hard to break...
With your support and encouragement and tender loving care... I am trying... little steps. It's like having one foot in the boat and one on the dock. when you're foot has been on the dock hanging on for dear life for 45 odd years... its not only scarry but really hard to finally take your foot off the dock and let yourself sail!
Can't do it by myself, which is why I am so blessed to have all of you.

Buddha... I know this is very hard to understand....but you are so sweet to be praying for me... I thank you and love you for it.

Mary

you have my full support.
Letting go in no way means cutting off the love, it just means, moving back to let the universe take its course.
My Mom is still in the background, but will now stay out of my drama and will cut me if if I cause drama. It was hurtful at first, but as time passed, I understood her boundries and actually gained more respect for her.


Moderator - Anxiety-panic forum
 
where we take it one panic attack at a time
 
 
 
The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong in the broken places


nervymeg
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 9/10/2008 12:30 AM (GMT -7)   

Mary

((((hugs honey))))))

I have lit that candle you suggested and now I light one for you.  :-)   We can get through the tough times with our HW family,

Love,

Meg


Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess
 

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