freaking out when getting too close to someone, i feel ill be single forever at this rate!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

oldsoul84
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 9/15/2008 12:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Well ive been single for 2 yrs now the last guy i was with was extremely abusive in every way. ive dealt with alot and when i was with him it was pure hell, i had depression and everything back then too, recently i feel like i wouldnt mind meeting someone or just getting to know others and the past few guys i have been sort of interested in meeting i have gotten to the point where i start completly freaking out about spending time with anyone bcoz then i think, what if i get feelings for this person and the thought of having feelings for someone scares the hell outta me i dunno if its because, well yeh i know i like to have emotional control and falling for someone u are no longer in control of how you will feel and i think thats a big part of it. But its just i dunno what to do about it. Like the last guy who im talking to now we also started texting and now he wants to meet up and i feel like were getting too close now and have been freaking out the past couple of days and i get so anxious that i cant breathe and i feel sick. i dunno what to do, i met him on the net like u know love sites and im thinking maybe it would ease my anxiety if i just met someone unexpectedly through the normal course of life but in the end its gonna be somewhat the same bcoz if i get feelings i will freak out. What should i do, and its so hard these days becasue i want things to be the old fashioned way where u meet a guy they court u for a while then u decided if u like each other then u start dating then u start having sex then it becomes commited then u get married if it works out lol but where can u find guys like that now because in my generation its all playing games and have sex first and then decide or see where it leads and im not into that, because it just makes everything more complicated and nerve racking because u dont know whats going on i want clean cut no games i just dunno where to find it and even how to get thru this panick problem i have. arggh. help. its starting to frustrate me.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/15/2008 3:38 AM (GMT -7)   

EMZ,

Hello, this is Kitt.  My best advice would be to slow down and not fixate so much on your fear of freaking out.  IMHO meeting someone you talk to online is not the best way for you to get into a relationship. If your dating now and your happy then just go slow and do not start the "stinkin Thinkin", "the what ifs".  There are many chances we take in life and  when it comes time you will take a chance but only when your ready.

Have you seen a therapist for your anxiety?

Hugs to you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


oldsoul84
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 9/15/2008 4:38 AM (GMT -7)   
well im not dating right now, i cant even get to that point!! im seeing a therapist but i havent brought this up with her yet but i will in our next session. i feel like im ready though but at the same time im terrified!

percycat
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 9/15/2008 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Emz,

When you've had an abusive relationship, no matter how far in the past, it affects how you view new opportunities. I had a period where I was convinced that I wanted nothing to do with another relationship and was actually quite happy with the prospect of remaining single forever. Then I met my current BF and decided that he seemed safe and interesting, and now here we are.

I think the safety issue is a big one when you've been treated badly. Not knowing someone as well as you'd like makes you worry about whether they're healthy for you or not, so anxiety is perfectly natural.

It may be that you do genuinely have a block about getting close to someone, or your anxiety may just be a natural safety valve for being in a vague situation, like internet dating. Trust your feelings, and share with your therapist.

percycat

Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/15/2008 11:04 PM (GMT -7)   
EMZ... Like percycat I have been in an abusive relationship... plus my father was abusive...
My children and I have been through hell and back ... but we have been safe for the last 12 years.... do you think that I have had ANY inclination to date. No way.... for 18 years I devoted myself totally to my girls. Didn't want a man around and couldn't trust any man past saying hello... My girls were so traumatized that I really didn't have time to date even if I'd wanted to.
The point is , now my girls are grown... and I find myself thinking about 'maybe' having a male friend again. The problem is once you've been abused, you not only don't trust men... but in my case I don't even trust my own judgement
My sister says I am ready... for a slow and easy , casual friendship. Maybe.
There are signs to watch for in a relationship or in a man that can give you clues about potential abuse. I will try and find a webb site that goes over those signs. Not all men are bad... there are darn good ones out there.... the thing is .. to take our time... keep it casual... have your own life!
If you can't be happy by yourself then you will never be happy with anyone else.
Wishing you luck and courage. Be yourself( easier said than done if you are like me and don't exactly know who or what that is anymore) ... all the more reason to make sure you have your own interests and not rush into anything. I don't think I'd be ready for internet dating though... that scares me to death... just be open with your therapist and I'm sure you will find if not a soul mate... a good friend in the process.
Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


oldsoul84
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 9/19/2008 10:16 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks marie claire, yeh i know what u mean when u just devote urself to ur kids, ive doing that since my son was a baby and hes 2 now and i guess im just so used to that aswell, i couldnt imagine having to split my attention from him coz its always just been me and him and we have a special bond. iam happy just being on my own but i dont think i can just be on my own forever and feel content. i have too much passion and have a need for love like alot of ppl do. and i think going slow is definatly the way to go its gonna be scary but i will have faith that i can get throught it. :) for the record ive yet again gotten rid of this guy ive spoken to, i just dont feel im ready yet and i dont think this is the way i wanna meet someone. im sure god has someone he will lead me to when the time is right in its own unique way.

Sydnee10
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 561
   Posted 9/21/2008 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Emz,

I'm sorry to read you were subjected to Abuse.He's not a Man he is a $&*(%^$#!The last Guy I was involved (engaged) was emotionally Abusive.If I had stayed,I truly believe it would have turned physical.Men have deeply hurt me to the point I decided to stay single.Saying this,I selected a Friend to be the Father of my Baby (s).I simply won't tolerate a Man's Abuse,insensitivity or crap any longer..neither should you or other Women.

Best,

Sydnee


 


Jillene
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/23/2008 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   
hi there...I too have been the subject of emotional abuse and it can really have a negative effect on your current relationships. I find it a struggle to trust people because of what has happened in the past.
When I am feeling scared and like I want to build a wall between me and whoever I am involved with, I think to myself : what is the worst that could happen? If we get close, things may go wrong...but they could go right too! I try to take one day at a time...enjoy the good things that happened that day and not freak myself out by looking too far into the future. This tends to help me out....maybe it could help you too.
Good luck!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/23/2008 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   

Jilene,

I had a verbally abusive stepmother and I believed what she told me. 

She would call me, stupid, fat, my father's "brat".  She made me wear clothes I hated and she thought nothing of saying I ate like a pig in front of relatives, on Thanksgiving.  She became my stepmother when I was 5.  She could not wait until I moved out.

I got married at 17 years old after I graduated from High School. My self esteem was low and I eventually divorced my first husband.  I have been through therapy and my therapist said I was like a daughter without a Mother. 

I have learned to leave my childhood in the past.  It is over and now I live in the present moment.  I learned to know I have done good things but I still have trust issues and when something happens I feel like I knew it would end that way.

Trusting your therapist with your inner thoughts is difficult but just do it.  The tears came as I cried for the childhood I had missed out on but now I let go and accept each day as it comes.

I will be here to support you and comfort you when you need me.

Hugs

Kitt

 


 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


Jillene
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 9/23/2008 11:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Kitt - your kind words really do make a person feel better :)
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 03, 2016 3:00 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,235 posts in 301,003 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151167 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Hope2day.
325 Guest(s), 16 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
imagardener2, Tagier, braddiefj, Lymepilot, Artist Mark, summer16, RoYal DiRty, White Bird, ASAdvocate, Awake_, snowboat, Malone26, HeyNoodles, trumpet123, JesperTrottier, julymorning


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer